23 Rules of Eating, According to a Toddler



1. Refuse anything but Cheerios for breakfast. Have them without milk on Mondays, Thursdays and every other Friday.

2. Hyperventilate if they get this wrong.

3. Don’t try anything new, EVER.

4. Just because you liked something yesterday does not mean you have to like it again today. It is perfectly acceptable to change your mind and you do not have to explain yourself.

5. Be suspicious of anything that was recently alive. Orange, dead-looking stuff is safer.

6. Request a wide variety of food at the supermarket and then A. Deny all knowledge of it upon your return home or B. Allow it to be cooked first and then say you don’t like it.

7. Spend some time revising brand names so that you can legitimately refuse cheaper derivatives.

8. Any amount of cooking or food preparation time above 30 seconds is wholly unacceptable.

9. Ask for updates of when things will be ready every 10 seconds. Protest with your fists on the floor if things are taking too long.

10. This may result in the meal being served half frozen but it doesn’t matter as you are not going to eat it anyway.

11. No eating on Wednesday afternoons, just because.

12. Make sure you have a spoon, knife and two forks with all meals and then eat with your hands.

13. Only ever use one specific plate. Flip out if it is dirty.

14. Deposit as much of your meal off the side of the table as possible. They say they “spend their whole life cleaning the kitchen floor.” Help make it a reality.

15. Sweet potato chips are insulting.

16. Avoid anything with sauce as there is a risk it contains blended vegetables.

17. Never drink water. They say “You will drink it when you’re thirsty.” Don’t. Get admitted to hospital with dehydration. That’ll teach ‘em.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

18. Always say you are hungry when you are in the bath.

19. Train your body clock to wake up for midnight bananas.

20. Casseroles, stews and pies are not to be trusted.

21. Sweet potato chips are insulting.

22. Kick people who describe broccoli as “little trees” in the shins. It’s condescending and its disgusting.

23. Avocado – WTF? – NO.

Related post: Bedtime Stalling 101


The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

    • 5


      March 8, 2012I suggest that the deinfition Gravity measures Defines catchment areas by measuring travel impediment on a continuous scale. ( C. Curtis, J. Scheurer 2010) is deleted since although the statement is true there are many other accessibility measures that also fit this description and gravity measures do not always relate to catchments. Also the term gravity implies attraction which is correct but could lead to confusion with travel demand planning which relies heavily on gravity concepts. The list of types of measures remains a bit partial and it is beyond the scope of a glossary to do a comprehensive list of all accessibility measures. If however some of the most common measures need to be in the glossary then I suggest the three main categories are: 1. based on the utility of travel (e.g. time measures, utility based measures and other transport based value systems), 2. based on the opportunities available from an origin (e.g. Keeble job opportunities, economic potential measures, Shimbel nearest opportunities, Hansen origin measures, timespace geographic measures activity spaces, opportunity surfaces, etc), 3. based on the catchments of destinations (e.g. catchment populations, Hansen destination measures, etc). Othewise the list looks good but as the drafting of the reports takes place and new terms are added they need to be added to the list and modified through debate.

      Show Replies
  1. 10


    OMG! #17!!!!! My now 9 year old did that to me twice! Once when we tried getting him off the bottle when he was 2 and once more when he’d had his tonsils removed at 3! He wouldn’t drink ANYTHING; milk, juice, or water! With the bottle incident, they just pumped him up with fluids and told us to just give him the damn bottle back and talk to his peds. With the tonsils, he was in the hospital for 2 days b/c they wouldn’t release him until he started drinking again. I NEVER want to go through that again!

    Show Replies

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>