Scary Momfinitions by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy 70 comments Scary Mommy Share on FacebookShare Share on TwitterTweet Pin ThisPin 70 Leave a Comment Read this Next A Letter To Congress From A Mass-Shooting Survivor Read more Share 730 Tweet 342 Pin 1.4K . . . . . . . . Share 730 Tweet 342 Pin 1.4K About the writer Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy @scarymommy In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies). More There are 70 comments on this article. Leave a comment Get updates straight to your inbox. Read More From Around the Web Close Cancel reply Name Comment Danielle 3 years ago Hahaha….these are absolutely awesome! Nicki (@NickiLynnM) 3 years ago These are great! And all so very true!! Medsy 3 years ago How about mommytasking? It is like multitasking taken to a whole new level MSP 4 years ago I so have MSP! I call the kids bluff all the time on brushing their teeth so that they go and brush them. Mentioning how their teeth with rot if they dont wash them, also helps. Michelle Saunderson 4 years ago I love it. I can relate to all of these! Kiran (Masala Chica) 4 years ago I totally had to momflex when I read this. Hysterical. This was brilliant. Pam 4 years ago Mom-s-peed- aka momspeed: The ability to pee, wipe and wash before someone knocks on the bathroom door. a Book for My Daughter 4 years ago This is BRILLIANT! I especially love “Momsonic Hearing”—besides knowing exactly what kid is coming down the hall, I can also guess what they want by how slow/fast they are walking. To add to that, I’ve always said how amazing my hearing has gotten since having kids—I can be watching a movie with the volume up rather hight, and I can still hear one of my kids calling me through their closed bedroom door. It’s like a 6th sense—I also wish I could turn it off sometimes. My kids know that I hear them no matter what, so they are REALLY lazy and just wait for me to come to them! Is there a word for that? Heather 4 years ago Mom-a-sauraus Rex. She emerges after that last straw….. heather clark 4 years ago Mommaperception– 5hat freaky moment in the grocery store that you realize you can I.d. Any baby within w months of age and why they are crying. And it never goes away. Suzie 4 years ago Oh I am a master of the mom flex manoeuvre! After 2 kids, I pee myself when I run the tap to wash dishes Lollie @FortuitousHousewife 4 years ago Mom Flex…you know your life has hit a new low when even your 4.5 & 6.5 year old know why Mom crossed her legs while standing at the stove stirring supper pot. Mompiphany…a daily accurence for the Fortuitous Housewife. Katty 4 years ago As someone who has been having an allergy attack all week, the Momflex speaks to me. Glad to see I’m not the only one with the mantra “squeeze before you sneeze.” TheCheekyKea 4 years ago I’ve given up being momlusional. Last night at around 3 am I awoke to a little voice saying “Can you please be quiet, I’m trying to sleep”. Somehow my daughter had crept into my bed without my knowledge and then proceeded to wake me from the best sleep I’ve had all week. Evidently my snoring was bothering her. Julie McGuire 4 years ago Excellent post. I have the temperature thing down to a science. Rachel 4 years ago I loved this! My kids swear I have super sonic hearing or as they say ‘ mom has whisper 2000’, of course they think that is hilarious… Practical Parenting 4 years ago Mom sleeves is my favorite….all of my sleeves are completely stretched out at this point! Sigh. kisha 4 years ago Ahh the joys of motherhood. Really I think it has made me much smarter. I think my back to work resume will say,”Provided comprehensive services to non-english speaking clients with immediate life-safety needs, While teaching them English.” Tammy O 4 years ago Oh my goodness- I have been sick with a bad cough for the past two weeks and have been “Momflexing” the while freaking time! Mercy 4 years ago These are all too real. Love it. andrea 4 years ago momvision-the ability to see any tongue sticking out, eyeball pokes, hair pulling and pinches from the back of your head. Scary Mommy 4 years ago Absolutely! Or, to know exactly who started it. Pam 4 years ago I once pulled the TherMoMeter thing on a nurse in the hospital. He argued, I insisted. He retrieved a SECOND digital thermometer, I disagreed with that one as well. Just to prove me wrong he found an old fashioned thermometer and took my thankfully too-sleepy-to-care toddler’s temp…er….the “old-fashioned” way and I was correct within two-tenths of a degree. Ryan (The Woven Moments) 4 years ago I think we could also add MOMNESIA: the act of forgetting where you put your keys, your sunglasses, your purse, your shoes while simultaneously knowing the details of each child’s schedule down to the minute. Scary Mommy 4 years ago Yes!! How the hell is that??!! Jess WhoaMamma 4 years ago Oh my Mom-ness, I love it! You left out one word, though. Mompossible: everything is possible with Mamma’s lovin’ x Excellent. Have to share! xxx MommyD 4 years ago Im so that hopeful sleeper. The person that recommended 8hrs of sleep was a man. Cause if it was a woman she wouldn’t have been so greedy. Alison@Mama Wants This 4 years ago Momflex – that is so me right now! Julie 4 years ago Just last week I was at the theater and, upon seeing the line, opted out of using the ladies’ room during intermission for a preemptive pee. I muttered aloud, “it’ll be fine provided I don’t sneeze, cough or laugh too hard” just loudly enough for the three women nearby to laugh and nod in agreement… Rae 4 years ago Thank you!! Mama Nalyn 4 years ago this is hilarious! so it turns out I’m not the only one who is momlussional! oh when will i ever get that sleep! maybe tonight is the night! Seriously Sassy Mama 4 years ago I love these. Marta 4 years ago UM YES YES YES. Also, I missed my mommy flex early today at work and that was a mistake. Cassie 4 years ago Yes, yes yes! The Mom Flex and Mom Sleeves are the two I connect to the most. However, the mom sleeves is more for poopy diapers than runny noses. Holly at 300 Pounds Down 4 years ago Oh yes. This is awesome! I definitely have the Mom Sensory Perception one and always know when the school is calling . Which is a lot! I have 4 kids and for two weeks straight I got a call every single day. I considered not even leaving the school at one point . Finally my kids got well and then my son decided to play pencil wars and narrowly missed losing an eyeball during circle time. *sigh* It never ends…:) Pam 4 years ago I feel for you, we had more than 10 sicks days in February. I am the master of cramming make up homework in on Saturday afternoon after sports. It does involve bribes I am ashamed to say. Pam Kate in Ohio 4 years ago What do you call it when you have the ability to ignore the chaos that is reigning around you, or to ignore your child going, “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…” I have that. Mercy 4 years ago I’ve got that one too – mom’s invisible ear plugs. Scary Mommy 4 years ago Momlective hearing. Samantha 4 years ago These are right on! I have “special mommy powers” that enable me to know what’s just been spilled in the back seat, or whose hand is in the cookie jar even if I’m in the bathroom, or if you’re using your truthful voice/wearing your truthful face. I think it’s a combination of MSP and Momsonic Hearing…keeps the kids (and the hubs) on their toes! Sarah May 4 years ago Brilliant!!! What about momory: the skill of knowing where everything is and everyone’s schedule. Scary Mommy 4 years ago LOL. Love that one. Carrie 4 years ago Funny stuff!!! I could easily change that “Mompiphany” to “Lifepiphany” cause I swear in life….I have no friggin clue what I’m doing half the time. I apparently fake it well. Jadzia@Toddlerisms 4 years ago Add me to the growing crowd of Momlusional ladies. I am going to DIE if I don’t get a good night’s sleep soon. She Who Must Be Obeyed is now almost four months old and her latest thing is to sleep in shifts with her sister — SWMBO sleeps all day, big sis sleeps all night. The Mommy Psychologist 4 years ago Love that you called her “She that must be obeyed.” It really did make me laugh out loud. “The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself.” http://www.themommypsychologist.com Jennifer 4 years ago I know Momlusional so well. BUT I’m absolutely positive that tonight I will get some sleep. See… Scary Mommy 4 years ago Yeah… How’d that work out for you? (Written at 5AM?) Jennifer 4 years ago I stayed up too late, had one crawl in one side at about 2 and the other one about 5. (sigh) Kate 4 years ago Love this especially the mom flex and the mom sleeves!! Katie 4 years ago It seriously just made my day to find out that mom sleeves are a real thing and not just something gross that I invented!! Sweety Darlin 4 years ago Moms-A-Lot: The ability to accomplish a weeks tasks in a single afternoon while daddy sits confused in the recliner! Scary Mommy 4 years ago YES!! Erin 4 years ago I am prefecting the art of Momprehension, I only have 2 boys but add in there Hubby talking about his day and let’s face it, I got 3!! Jessica 4 years ago HAHA!! I love this! So very true. Stephanie 4 years ago We’re pretty amazing creatures, aren’t we? Scary Mommy 4 years ago Completely. MomEinstein 4 years ago Love it! I can do the Thermomother thing. It’s scary accurate, but of course I check it anyway. Some of the others I need to work on. Bullgrit 4 years ago Momversation: Using child-level terms and explanations when talking with adults. Mercy 4 years ago I know this one – my friends used to hate me for it. Scary Mommy 4 years ago Love that one! Super embarrassing when you tell a room of adults that you need to go potty. Mamalala 4 years ago We had a firedrill this week at work. My reaction when the firebrick pulled up: firetruck!!!!! Good thing they all know I have a two year old… Nikki 4 years ago Haha, love this Jill!! Paging Dr Mommy 4 years ago You nailed it! Every single one! Especially the cosmic way that any time I get ready to enjoy a cup of coffee, and hope that it will done in a brief moment of peace and quiet, all hell surely does break loose! Jenna 4 years ago Mom Savior = Scary Mommy Mark 4 years ago If I ever come down with MomFlex, I need someone to come and shoot me. Have a good weekend! m. Life with Kaishon 4 years ago : ) Love. Love. Love. Katie 4 years ago After 5 kids I definitely know the MomFlex!!! I have great Momprehension. Arnebya 4 years ago Oh, Amber. Amber, Amber, Amber. Leave this place and never return! All of these made me smile, but momsonic hearing? I can name that gait in three steps. And then momprehension: I amaze myself with the ability to hear, understand, and respond accordingly when they’re all talking at once. Amber 4 years ago YUP! Except the sleep thing. I was BLESSED with great sleepers. My biggest problem is getting them to wake up in the morning. Nuts about food 4 years ago And that is already a huge step in facing all the rest. I can’t complain either, to be honest. That is why I am still sane.