Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website… - June 15, 2013
- 10 Skills Every Mother Should Possess - June 10, 2013
- Perfection (Or pretty close) - June 3, 2013
Natalie blogs at Life on the Mama Track, where she chronicles the adventures of being a Harvard lawyer turned work-at-home mom. She is the mom to a busy two year old and expecting her second baby in early December. She and her family live in the Washington, D.C. area.
When I was pregnant the first time, I thought about it constantly.
The fact of being pregnant never left my mind.
I read books, every night.
Books about being pregnant.
Books about having a newborn.
Books about balancing work and motherhood.
Funny books.
Serious books.
Books addressing the week-to-week changes in my body and the baby.
Now I have a toddler.
And this baby will be my second.
I don’t read at all anymore.
Not the magazine subscriptions that have been piling up, year after year.
Not the stack of bestsellers I’ve bought, optimistically hoping I will find time to sit down and lose myself
in one.
Not even the email that is flooding my inbox and causing Gmail to threaten to suspend my account.
When I used to go out, everywhere I went, I enjoyed the attention being pregnant brought.
My belly was a billboard to the world, announcing the wonderful news that I was going to have a baby.
Now, I’m worried what my toddler, in that painfully honest toddler way, will announce to complete
strangers.
Now, I have to remember sippy cups and snacks and sunscreen.
Now, I’m lucky if my clothes match and aren’t covered in almond butter or yogurt or granola.
I don’t have the luxury of reveling in the fact of this pregnancy.
Recently, several friends, in different conversations, asked me why I don’t talk more about being
pregnant.
It’s not because I’m not excited.
It’s not that I love this unnamed child any less than the one who already runs my life.
I am excited.
And I do love this baby.
Every bit as much as the first one.
But there are differences between being a first-born and a later-born child.
With the first, I was able to focus all of my attention and love and energy on one baby.
With the second, by definition, my time and energy are divided.
And that’s okay.
I understand more now than I did two years ago.
Let’s face it—I am better qualified to take care of a newborn than I was.
I know, intimately, what the terms Roseola and sleep training and emergency cesarean mean.
I bear the scars, in more ways than one, to prove it.
And now there is a whole other person in our family who will grow to love this baby.
So while I’m sorry this little one won’t have the benefit of me attending another “Infant Care Skills” class at the local hospital, he or she will be just fine.
Great, even.
Perfectly loved.
Because love, unlike time and attention, isn’t something I have to divide.
And that’s really all that matters.
{ 77 comments… read them below or add one }
A wonderful perspective on a second pregnancy Natalie!
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..I Am
Thanks, Alison! Glad you liked it.
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
I was the same way when I was pregnant with my first and second child. With the first one I read a bunch of books. The second one, whatever. I was just trying to make it through the day without falling asleep every time I sat down.
Jessica recently posted..When I Am Drowning
I’m so tired that I think I might have fallen asleep standing up the other day. Like a horse….
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
This is spot-on how I felt with my second pregnancy, too! I barely remembered to open any of my childbirth books and then in the end had to have a c-section, so didn’t need to. Now I read a lot more blogs. That’s all we need, right? ; )
Jessica@Team Rasler recently posted..Who am I not to be?
Blogs, yes, brilliant. Of course. That’s all I need! ;)
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
Oh, I relate. And now, with a 3 year old, and a 1.5 year old, this third pregnancy is getting even less attention. I honestly can’t even remember how pregnant I am on any given day! WTH?! With my first I knew to the week and day — now, I have to check my calendar and count backwards. (I just did – I’m 32 weeks, FYI!) Loved this post!
christy recently posted..The pregnant lady’s new clothes
Thanks. I’m glad you liked it. And I actually asked the doctor the other day how far along I was. NEVER would have done that with the first!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
Beautiful, friend. {as always}
Galit Breen recently posted..Where I’m From, A #Writing Exercise
Thanks, Galit! That means a lot coming from you!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
I can relate, oh how I can relate. With the first every strange little thing was a reason for a frantic Google search and some tearfull calls to my husband ‘the baby is dying’-style (baby was just fine, stupid Google). With the second I just shrugged my shoulders and focused on keeping the elder out of the cupboard.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Why I love my mom
So true. With the first, I slept like 10 hours a night. Now I’m lucky to get 6.5!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
Thank you for having me, Jill! I’m excited to be here!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
I absolutely relate to this. With Abbey, if someone asked me how far along I was, I’d say something like, “17 and a half weeks…well 17 weeks and 2 days, I guess, ha ha.” Of course, I’d be cradling by barely showing belly in love.
With Dylan, I’d try to frantically count in my head. “Almost seven months…oh crap, almost eight months…where in God’s name is that infant car seat?” And that time, I was balancing my 20 month old on a showed-at-conception belly and hoping she wouldn’t cause preterm labor by bouncing on me like an exercise ball…
angela recently posted..Unsupervised, A Short Play
So, so true. I actually asked the doctor about the toddler roughhousing. His response? “You were built to give birth in a cave. It’s fine.” And that’s why he’s my doctor!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
I can completely relate to this – with the first one, her baby book is in complete detail, with locks of her hair and little notes everywhere. With my second one, I had to be “creative” with the dates that she did all of her firsts. And the lock of hair is from her haircut when she was around 6. I love her just as much, and I can’t blame it on not having time from having to take care of the older one. It’s a syndrome for sure.
Brandy recently posted..Emotion Glide Kayak
I know. It’s hard. But if you don’t tell, I won’t!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
This is so bittersweet and true. I am currently cooking my 4th child and feel the pull of giving everyone attention…even the belly baby.
Thanks for chance to commiserate:) Good luck!
Reluctant Momma recently posted..Hurts So Good
Thank you. And good luck with #4 and giving everyone what they need!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
I’m 35 weeks along with #4. Isn’t it a relief in a way, not being addicted to the pregnancy literature anymore?
Enjoy your time with your first before the baby comes :)
Lindsey recently posted..See? She doesn’t do man bags, either.
Thank you. And good luck–wow, your time is just around the corner!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
I completely understand!!
I reveled in the attention I got the first time I was pregnant. But the second time around, it all just seemed so much more annoying. I know that’s terrible to say, but that’s honestly how I felt. The second time around is a whole different experience.
Kmama recently posted..Proud Mommy Moments: A Complete Surprise
I don’t even feel like I get the attention this time, you know? Everyone (myself included) just expects me to keep on going….
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
Yes, going through this now (due 12/25) seems like everyone wants to talk openly about my pregnancy than me! Last time I was terrified of baby coming and enjoyed every minute, now im like baby get here, now! Plus, with a toddler (2) that is a handful (which toddler isn’t) I often have anxiety attacks about how I am going to manage the two! Man, it is SO different this time around!
Nellie recently posted..Unexpected Motivation!
Good luck! I’m right there with you (my son is 26 months and I’m due 12/4/). But we can do this. I know we can!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
The second time around is different but no less awesome.
Jen recently posted..Restaurant Behavior
That’s what I keep telling myself!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
So happy to see you here!
I can totally relate to the first pregnancy experience and I can see just how it would be different the second time around. I think in some ways that’s good and bad. A little bit less anxiety about the unknown but less excitement about a first-time thing too.
And knowing you I know just how much that baby is going to be loved. By all of us! :)
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Where I’m From
Thank you, friend. I am going to love this baby. And I know you will too! But I just can’t focus on the actual pregnancy, you know?
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
Love that. Plus worrying really does nothing to make something positive.. just makes things more negative.
I do wish I had more time though. Just wanna pause things and do everything on my todo list.
Blabbing..
Anthony from CharismaticKid recently posted..Brilliant Sixteen-Year-Old Severe Stutterer and His Advice to the World
Thank you. And yes, more time and a pause button would really be ideal.
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
I’m pregnant with my 3rd and its even worse, I don’t have a free second in the day to even think about being pregnant. Its kinda weird feeling so disconnected to being pregnant, life just seems to go on…
http://www.supermomblog.com
Summer recently posted..Notes from the Womb – 10 weeks
Good luck! I can’t even imagine how hard it would be with a third. But there are definitely advantages to being the third child, you know? Think of all the experience….
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
What you are feeling is very normal! You have someone else to worry about now other than the dog. If you think about it, looking back, it was a bit oppressive how obsessed we all were with our first child.
We even named our second child in about 5 minutes. No fanfare and the name has always fit her perfectly. Trust me, this is a very natural and good thing you are going through!
Jeanine recently posted..The X-Factor Recap 9/21/11
Thank you. And you’re right–we haven’t even thought about names yet! Hopefully we’ll come up with something, right?
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
The perspective is so different isn’t it? Not that I know..LOL, because I was only pregnant once and I was terrified the whole 35 weeks, so I wouldn’t read books and I wouldn’t keep a blog and I wouldn’t do anyting but pray and breath.
However, I can only imagine being pregnant again now…and it scares me, because I can’t keep both hands on my sons right now, let alone try to get pregnant, be pregnant and have a newborn.
I know that you love, cherish and can’t wait to meet this new baby too (we are all excited about Baby Track) it’s just different because you are. In a REALLY good way.
loved this!
Kir recently posted..Proud Mommy Moments: Kimberly from All Work & No Play Make Mommy Go Something Something
I can’t even imagine how you felt with your pregnancy, Kir. What a stressful situation for you. I will say that with this one, I’ve been less optimistic. I think it’s because I know so many people who have had problems. With the first, I was just blissfully unaware.
And I know Baby Track can’t wait to meet you too!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
My two pregnancies were incredibly different! Of course, my kids were born a decade apart, so the differences had a lot to do with that. Being older, I struggled more physically. And, I complained a heck of a lot more! :-)
Christi recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Another Onesie…
This pregnancy is definitely harder. I don’t know if it’s the intervening time or the fact I spend all day chasing a toddler. But it was much easier the first time around.
Thanks for sharing your perspective!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
I’m not pregnant with #2 yet, but one day we hope to have another. I’ve often wondered how it would be different. How even you get through a pregnancy while carrying on with your life that includes the business of one or MORE children. But, like so many things with motherhood, you just do it, and looking back you sometimes don’t even know how you got through it! Great post! I was laughing at the description of your first pregnancy and relating to every line you typed!
Sarah recently posted..One Lovie or Two?
Thank you–I’m glad you could relate. It was very special. And this one is special too. Just different, you know?
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
EVERY pregnancy is different, and I have felt guilty not feeling the same for 2 and 3 as I did for 1. But I truly love them all equally! It’s just that real life gets in the way, and you have TIME for all those little details with number 1. Like being anal about the tiniest stain on their clothes. Poor number 3: not nearly as fanatic anymore : )
This is so true–I have a feeling I’ll be the same way about sterilizing everything with 2. Who has time?
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
Time is definitely the deciding factor. I mean, I wish I DID have more time to scrub out every stain, but yeah, feeding them is probably more important : ) And my house….well, suffice it to say it used to be cleaner. But you know…I think when they are grown and gone I will miss the smudges.
I hear you–the chaos can be wonderful. The one thing I think I won’t miss? Stepping on matchbox cars. Those suckers hurt!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Older Brother Seeks Younger Sibling
I LOVE this post! It is EXACTLY how I felt the second go around. EXACTLY. When my second was born (also early Dec), my first was 2 weeks shy of being 2 years old. My first too was born via emer-C-section. (ugh) lol I love your words!!!
Jill recently posted..Starting a Blog: Tips I Wish I Knew From the Start
Thank you. I’m so glad you liked it. And sorry that you too had the emergency c-section–wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Thanks, again!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
So funny, and so true. When baby #3 comes, it’s like you forget the doctor’s appts. “Can’t I just call and tell you how I feel?” I don’t think people knew what he looked like because for the first year, I had him in a hemp sling around my shoulders ’cause I hated strollers at that point and he was perfectly happy snuggled in there.
I just remember coming home with #2 and thinking about how HUGE my 2-yr old daughter looked. When I left for the hospital she was my precious baby, when I returned, she was the one who would hurt the new baby! LOL
Yep, I’m SURE that my precious angel boy is going to seem like a giant threatening monster when we bring the newborn home.
Thanks for your comment!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
Yeah! When I was pregnant for the first time, it’s all I thought about. The second time, I forgot completely for half the day, and then would remember with a sort of shock and amusement right around lunch time.
When I got hungry…
Julia’s Child recently posted..Easy Needle Felted Food
It’s crazy how easy it is to forget, right? I’m almost 30 weeks (and huge) and I tried to lie down on my stomach today next to my toddler. Um, how was that going to happen?
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Oooh, Scary!
for my first I was like you, all about the pregnancy, what my body was doing. (me, me, me) for the second I was like “just give me the baby already” cause I understood that was the really fun part.
angelica recently posted..just sayin’
The baby IS the fun part. And I have to say, I’m looking forward to having another little one!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Older Brother Seeks Younger Sibling
This made my day. I’m 15 weeks prego with number two and my hubby and I both noticed the huge difference between my pregnancy with our son (18mo) and this pregnancy. You summed up how we’re feeling perfectly, and have given me the little extra assurance that it’s ok that I’m not as engrossed in the pre-baby stuff as I was the first time around. I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that I have had some anxious nights’ sleep thinking about how we’re going to juggle two little ones once the baby comes. At the least we can say there’ll never be a dull moment. LOL
I agree–I’m so much more concerned about the logistics than anything else. And I worry about my son–how will he adjust to sharing our time and attention? It’s going to be a big change for all of us.
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Older Brother Seeks Younger Sibling
I agree totally. When pregnant with baby #1, I used to talk to her and “bond” before she was born. I had already assigned a personality to her and planned her life before meeting her. With baby #2, he’s lucky when I remember he’s in my belly. It might be better for him that way, so he can become his own person without mommy guiding him in any one direction.
I think that’s a great point–maybe the second child will actually benefit from the freedom. At least, I hope so!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Older Brother Seeks Younger Sibling
My girls are 9 years apart, being pregnant with my second was so much harder physically & emotionally. My body didn’t take as well to the second as the first (difference between my being 21 & 30). But despite my pain & discomfort, all I could think of was how the new baby would affect the attention I gave to her big sister all these years. My youngest is 2 now & its amazing to see how having her around made my oldest more responsible & strong, where before she was flighty. In the end, I was worried for no reason. Wish I would have sat back & enjoyed being pregnant cause everything worked out just fine
I’m so happy to hear that. I’ve definitely found that this pregnancy is harder–whether it is because I’m older or because I have a toddler, I can’t say. But thanks for giving me hope!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Older Brother Seeks Younger Sibling
Sounds like me with my first, including the emergency c-section.
I’m sorry about the emergency c-section–mine was an awful experience.
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Older Brother Seeks Younger Sibling
It seemed awful at the time, but later experienced two more and each one got easier to endure (I can’t say they were fun). You can read about it here:
But the worst was my post-delivery pain with my third. TG I never have to face that again.
Mercy recently posted..Packing Your Diaper Bag
My first and second were completely different experiences, too. Both in and out of the womb! It’s been quite a trip. I am happy to have done it, and happy to be done.
I can totally see that. Enjoy them!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Playing in The Rain
I get the Second baby syndrome! I didn’t bother with those books, because I was sick I was more or less anticipating the end of the sickness and the birth of my next child. We’re pros by now, ready for the unexpected ;)
Mango Chutney recently posted..Another Boring Post
Exactly! At least as much as we can be pros at something as wild and crazy as parenting, right?
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Playing in The Rain
One of the worst mistakes I made when I was pregnant was reading all that stuff! Depending on the book, it later made me feel like I wasn’t doing things right. I think that having a second child – it would be nice to experience it all a little more relaxed.
Kristy @PampersandPinot recently posted..Suburban Friendship
It is nice. It’s also just reassuring to know you have a sense how things will go. It’s not as much of an unknown.
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Playing in The Rain
I love this post Natalie. I think that, in some ways, we can be an even better parent the second time around because we are more relaxed and have learned not to stress over the little things and instead, enjoy the big things.
Jessica recently posted..Cooking Without Kids
Thank you, Jessica. I think (and hope) that’s right. And the learning curve isn’t as steep–I don’t need to read a book on breastfeeding this time, you know?
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Babble and Scary Mommy, Oh My!
Well, I was on the 2-for-1 plan (twins), so I never got to have a 2nd pregnancy and experience my baby’s infancy as a seasoned parent. But I thought about it a lot, contemplating a 3rd (yikes!) and imagined it all just as you have so delightfully pictured. And that last line? Says it all.
Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..Choosing kindness
Thank you, Varda. I can’t even imagine the 2-for-1 plan. 1 at a time is a lot. Hats off to you!
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Tips for Transitioning a Toddler to a Big Bed
Beautiful :*)
My kids are 7 yrs apart, which had it’s good and bad….She was a huge help but it was like starting ALL OVER AGAIN.
But I remember how I cried, wondering how I could possibly love a 2nd as much as I loved my daughter, and cried about “sharing” myself with a 2nd.
Silly, silly me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Headacheslayer recently posted..Headacheslayer’s Fieldtrip: To The ER
I know, in my head, that’s true. But you’re right–it’s hard to know in your heart before it happens.
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Through the Mist
I remember going through that too. Of coure you always have the idea in the back of your mind too of how will you have enough love for both kids, equally. You will. Being a parent is the best thing I have ever done.
Michelle Saunderson recently posted..Pray For My Dad
I completely agree. It’s also the hardest, but in a great way.
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Through the Mist
If I may, I found this very comforting when I was pregnant with my son, and my daughter was 5….
Loving Two (Anonymous)
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.
I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
—Author Unknown
Headacheslayer recently posted..Wordle