2014-THANKSgiving

Seeing Myself in Their Eyes

105 Comments

blowing-a-dandelion

I made a wish today. I wished that for one day I would be able to see myself through other people’s eyes.

My husband says I’m a wonderful wife and mother, but I only see a messy and chaotic home.

My friends say I’m caring and compassionate, but I only wish I could help and do more.

My kids say I’m fun, but I only see them running to my husband when he gets home.

I’m not perfect. I’m so so so far from perfect and I can’t stand it.

I can’t stand that I look horrible on a daily basis, my appearance is haphazard at best. I can’t stand that my face isn’t always made up and that I wear the same clothes day in and day out. My jeans are the same pair I’ve worn for a few days and now the butt is sagging and making it even more evident that nothing on my body is toned. My purse is full of crap I don’t need. My calendar full of stuff I can’t remember. My focus on a million different things at once meaning absolutely nothing gets done because I don’t have a clue where I should start. My hair….oh dear Lord…don’t talk about my hair. I color it fifty shades of purple just to make its unruly look seems to be on purpose. Add to the mix lupus (a chronic illness that I can’t control) and it’s just a catastrophic disaster.

I’m a mess and it devastates me.

I’ve come to the point where I don’t hide that I’m not perfect. I don’t attempt to put on nice clothes. I stopped wearing make up completely. I brag that I’m not perfect by telling people, “Girl…of course I don’t have it together” or “Say what? I’m lucky my kids were fed and we’re almost on time today.” My life is constantly playing on a loop the moment when you trip over a crack in the sidewalk in front of people and instead of turning around to see where the crack was you over exaggerate your trip to make it seem as if though you were trying to jog to your destination.

I’m a constant trip and it’s bruising my ego.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we each see only our flaws and not our highlights? Why are we constantly wanting to do better and more? Why are we not able to accept our imperfections and see them as what makes us us?

I’m never content with where I’m at for very long. I want to be the best in everything. I’ve been that way since I was a child. I want to win. I want to succeed. I want to be pretty. I want to be smarter. I want to be better. I want to be healthy. Instead, I just feel devastation at second place. I notice every bump and cellulite dimple with agony. I always see what I didn’t understand or couldn’t do. I am physically forced to accept that I can’t do everything and I resent myself for it.

But still, while I suffer with self-doubt and self-loathing I hear people say, “You’re great!” “You’re smart!” ”You’re beautiful.”

And I’ve never believed them.

So, for one day, I just want to know what they’re saying is true.

I want to walk past a mirror and think, “You’re beautiful.” I want to have a conversation and feel smart. I want to do something spectacular to help people so that they don’t have to suffer alone. I want to have a day where, after a particularly rough day with the kids, I don’t lay in bed and think, “Tomorrow I’ll do better.”

I want that moment when my husband says, “you’re beautiful” for me not to think he’s lying for brownie points.

I want to believe my boys when they say, “you’re the best mommy ever!” because I made a grilled cheese sandwich and for me not to think about everything I’ve failed at as a mother already.

For one day… I just want to see me in their eyes.

Imperfectly perfect.

Wonderful as is.

Maybe tomorrow will be that day.

Comments

The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 1

    Nara says

    This article is so painful to read. Have you ever considered just… stopping? Just stop. Take a breath. Don’t move for a minute. Focus. It sounds like your brain is going a mile a minute and everywhere and nowhere so just…. stop. Just take five minutes and stop.

    Seriously. This article was a borderline brag of how busy/angsty/martyr you are. You don’t need to be. You can be awesome even if you wash your hair, when you have lupus, when you take the kids to school on time. You don’t need more drama to prove that things are really that hard – we know they’re hard. This is Scary Mommy. It’s not because we think motherhood is a snap.

    Just stop and let it go.

    Show Replies
    • 2

      Gwen says

      Hmm. If it was “painful to read”…might it be possible that it was painful to write? And to put out there? A rebuke about bragging about her angst may not have been the most supportive way to reply, huh?

      Show Replies
      • 3

        Nara says

        I don’t know, to be honest. But reading this article was like looking in a mirror for me, and I wrote what someone had said to me, which was one of the few things that helped.

        Things are hard, and life is difficult. I didn’t need to exaggerate how hard it was to get compliments that I wouldn’t believe, I just needed to stop, relax, realize it is hard, realize I didn’t need to prove it to other people to find it hard, and then go on with it.

        Sometimes supportive is saying “you’re awesome!” (which I did say, by the way). But sometimes supportive is also saying what needs to be said. Which is that she doesn’t need drama to be an awesome mom.

        Show Replies
  2. 4

    says

    Farah, I am sorry you can’t see what other can. It breaks my heart to read your words. Some days I feel like you do, but I realized a couple years ago I have to focus on my “small victories” in order to prevent from having to take medicine for depression, sometimes just getting myself dressed is a small victory when I would rather hide in pj’s all day. Coping with an autoimmune illness is hard, I know. But sometimes you have to go easy on yourself. We can’t win every battle we face. I was like you and sometimes I think I got this illness as the rude
    awakening I needed to take a step back,
    slow down, and take care of myself so I can
    better take care of myself if I want to be
    around for the family I treasure. Take care my friend, gentle hugs and prayers are with you and those who suffer from these life changing diseases.

    Show Replies
  3. 6

    says

    What a beautiful post. This really struck a cord with me. I think us moms need to go easier on ourselves, something that is easily said but hard to do. This post inspired me to try. Thank you.

    Show Replies
    • 7

      says

      I think we’re always tough on ourselves and want something more. We all have our moments of doubt and moments of hesitation with compliments. That’s why we need each other so we can get through it together!

      Show Replies
  4. 10

    Amanda says

    The striking similarities in how you thing/feel about yourself, to how I do about MYself are uncanny. I never feel like I’m quite enough or that I’ve done quite enough. I’m working on it, though. Slowly but surely. And despite being extremely overweight, struggling w/ anxiety and a non-stop single mom, when I passed (my face) in the mirror the other day, I thought, “Oh. I am kinda pretty.” :) Baby steps. You’re beautifully imperfect, just like the rest of us.

    Show Replies
  5. 22

    Angela says

    Its good to hear that someone else thinks/feels the same way I do. I was starting to think I was out here alone and crazy lol!! The only difference is when I lay down I thank god the day is done and every morning I think of all the millions of things I need/want to get done and then the day starts or should I say hell breaks loose and all the plans down the drain. Oh how I wish I was that fun easy going let it go kind of mom but nope not me I strive for perfection in everything I do and am constantly felling like I come up short. It sucks but as they say it could always be worse!! I hope things get a little easier for you and less chaotic!!

    Show Replies
  6. 28

    Danyel Stealey says

    I have to say this brought me too tears… They first started because my heart hurt for your agony, they continued becuase this is also my battle daily. I hope to one day be able to just sit and enjoy a moment or accomplishment without checking that one of and finding another hill to climb. I will pray that you too can learn to do this someday…. This is a hard path to continue if you ever want to achieve true happiness! I hope we all learn to live for the moment and present joy, and stop pin pointing where we have gone wrong or what could be done better. I am sure you are smart and beautiful and the best mom ever-believe it and be proud of what you are!(I keep telling myself this as well!)

    Show Replies
    • 33

      says

      That makes me feel good that someone else can relate! It’s hard to struggle with a feeling of inadequacy but at least we all feel that way together?? (Positive thinking…see I’m working on it! ;))

      Show Replies

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>