Remember Sex Before Children?


Do you remember sex before children?

I remember having sex on my couch at three in the afternoon, and that would be after the good morning sex I had earlier that day.

Ahhh, those were the days.

Nowadays my husband can forget about sex multiple times a day; hell, if I’m talking honestly, he can forget about it happening multiple times a week. If he gets lucky, we’re on a once a week schedule, and that’s being very lucky. Very.

I have four children under the age of seven. I am freaking exhausted. It’s all I can do to stay on top of the laundry and the dishes, then at night I’m expected to stay on top of Eric too? Not going to happen.

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At least it’s not going to happen with the old frequency.

Before children, sex would take hours; now if we go past 20 minutes, I’m impressed. Honestly, we know each other so well we can bang it out rather quickly. Speed sex; why stretch it out? I have to be up at six with the baby. Also, I always have an ear out for a child to coming running into our room and ruin everything anyway. There have been a few times that Eric has literally thrown me off of him after spying a shadow, but at least none of the kids will be in therapy after witnessing that. How passionate can I possibly be if I’m constantly worried that I’m going to be interrupted? If by chance we do remember to lock the door, I still have to be quiet since the baby’s in our room now.

I just can’t win. And neither can he.

Let’s not even talk about sex with the lights on. This poor body has been wrecked by four c-sections and four hungry children who have each claimed my breasts as their own, leaving my once perky C cups into saggy D cups. My belly has that oh-so-sexy hang of flab that just hangs over my scar and I’m riddled with faded stretch marks. I know, it’s the picture of hotness…

I miss the old sex. I miss the sexy undies and lacey not-quite-covering-anything nighties. I miss the nights I would throw on the itty bitty cheerleader costume. (Oh, yes, I rocked the shit out of that costume!) I miss coming home from work knowing that night all my tension would be gone…

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I wonder how other mothers do it all. It’s not that I don’t have the desire anymore, it’s that the desire to sleep wins out.

So, I’d like to know: Is everyone else as exhausted as me? Are they putting on a happy face and going through the motions, or is it possible to really get your sex life back after children?

Because that’s all I really want.

About the writer

Holly is a stay at home mom to four kids under the age of seven. She sometimes blogs at Not a Perfect Moms Blog when she figured out her friends were tired of listening to stories describing her sub-par parenting. Besides blogging details of her life to strangers, Holly spends her days answering insane questions and wiping noses and butts.


Comments for this article are now closed.

Christi Brison Hill 1 year ago

So, I thought this article was hilarious…tried to read it out loud to my husband letting him know I was replacing the word “sex” with the word “poop” since my two boys (ages 6 and 2) were in the room…guess I should have picked a better word to replace it with, cause the whole room was laughing hysterically after the first few sentences!! Ahhhhh…kids rock!!

Desiree Germek Guidry 1 year ago

My husband works long hours (truck driver) and between a full time job and home with the kids a few hours before he gets home (feeding kids, washing clothes, and bathing kids) we are both exhausted, AND, the youngest is sleeping with us most of the time. Soo, when we do find a few minutes to ourselves, we appreciate them very much!

Sarah Fritz-Maldonado 1 year ago

Sex??? What’s that??? Is that what caused the children…. Yea I think after 2 kids w/in 12 months I think both hubby and I are avoiding it until one of us gets snipped lol

Angela Dawn Simmons 1 year ago

I didn’t have stitches and all 3 my girls came quick and easy. In all honesty I believe having sex right up until my water broke helped me out. My labor was easy, short and afterwards only bled for a matter of days with all. I have heard horrible stories of childbirth, I required no drugs that’s how quick my births were. I worked til midnight with 1st daughter cramping, wasn’t for sure, went home got hubby went to hospital around 2am, she was here at 440am. And then my 2nd daughter I was on phone with mother over my toothache, and it was my due date she checking in on me, after getting off the phone and a few cramps, she was here! And my 3rd daughter was at work pouring a cup of coffee, water broke, drove home, told hubby gotta go to hospital, got inside she was here! My toothache hurt worse than labor pains, all I did was cramp like menstrual type cramps……my births were easy. I was always active 24/7 and sex constantly, went back to work a week later after all 3 births…coworkers were shocked!

Valerie Ann 1 year ago

I’m right there with ya. But we’re working on getting the magic back!

Haylee Pond 1 year ago

Its about as normal as before I had my son.

Angela Dawn Simmons 1 year ago

Ladies….ladies…ladies…..use it or lose it! And for the ones that doesn’t have a hubby around due to conflicting schedule….there’s always an adult store somewhere in Town! Toys are a girls best friend next to diamonds! If you don’t feel comfortable walking into a store then buy online! Toys are great with or without your man! Pleasuring yourself can be so erotic!

Anna Packard 1 year ago

My youngest is 5 & my sex life has been great since I’ve been in my 30’s. Probably wearing him out a bit though!

Taryn Murphy Kirbo 1 year ago

This is fascinating to me. I am a SAHM to 2 young kids with very little help, and I’m definitely in the don’t touch me just let me read my book and go to sleep camp.

Christina Cortellese McGinty 1 year ago

It comes back! Once they are sleeping through the night (mine each took 4 years) it comes back and it is fabulous!

Nwanne Casey 1 year ago

Tiffany Folson – perfect description loooool. I love scary mommy. U make it OK to say being a mummy (as blessed and rewarding as it is!) Is hard sometimes. Love to you ladies. We rock!xx

Cassie Vorm Barr 1 year ago

Love this!

Tracy Coneita 1 year ago

My kids didn’t kill my sex life his job ( being a truck driver cross country) did

Angela Dawn Simmons 1 year ago

Sex forbidden for 6 weeks after a child is born….that’s bullshit! I doubt I waited 2 weeks, drove me crazy without it! I become very bitchy without sex and coffee!!!

Jessie Haws 1 year ago

I’m 3 months postpartum with my first and still terrified to even try again.. Poor hubby.

Angela Dawn Simmons 1 year ago

Have 3 daughters…sex is fabulous! love going to bed and a midnight talk turns into love making, waking up in the middle of the night by him kissing, caressing my body, waking up early in the morning to making love…..come on ladies, you have children, you’re not DEAD! As Marvin Gaye would sing…..Let’s get it on!

Lauren Rohr 1 year ago

There was almost no sexy time till after my son was 18 months. The BC I was on wrecked my drive, plus our toddler STILL sleeps like crap. But like anything else, if it’s important to you, you make the time.

Samantha Holden 1 year ago

Our sex hasn’t changed. Its a daily requirement lol i need our alone time to relax!

Katie Schmidt McMurry 1 year ago

Sleep always wins. Also, with a still-nursing toddler I just don’t want to be TOUCHED.

Becky Whitton 1 year ago

My hubby & i still have almost every night. I also have help with my son during the day (daddy stays hm also)

Dawson Megan 1 year ago

my husband and I have just as much sex now as we did before kids. the key is to remeber you are not just a parent. sex is key to helping destress lol

Sara Fisher 1 year ago

Exhaustion always wins.

Tiffany Folson 1 year ago

Sleep usually wins or the baby just cock blocks us. I’m looking forward to him getting a little older and me getting regular sleep.

Connie Murphy 1 year ago

I feel like my husband and I appreciate our moments together more now because we don’t get them on the regular. :) I say better after kids :)

Stacey Netzel 1 year ago

It never changed. Its as good as before. The first 4-6 weeks after baby are the hardest.

Angie Pegram 1 year ago

It does get better it’s just not as often….The biggest thing is you have to do is enjoy your time together and be happy with all the alone time you can get….AND get a lock for your bedroom door. 😉

Becky Ann Adams 1 year ago

With the right person, it never goes away.

Bryanna Ward Lemanski 1 year ago

Had my third and last kid when I was 24… My sex life sank. And then I hit 30 and something clicked. All the self consciousness about my body went out the window. And I’m having the best sex of my life. It’s made my marriage a whole lot more fun, which in turn makes our household a whole lot less stressful.

Suzanne Heefthetkoud 1 year ago

Im a single mother, didnt have sex for a long longgg time now :-) and very happy

Megan Snyder 1 year ago

I’d say it gets better after kids :)

Evin Cooper 5 years ago

I’ve got 3, 2 under two… yep. Seriously, after changing 400 diapers a day, the thought of dealing with yet another person’s genitals is less than a turn on. However, the times he grabs me at two am and jumps on me… it’s great! I don’t have to think about it, stress about “have i shaved my legs? Pumped enough milk so he doesn’t get shot in the eye?” It’s just like the old days – no worries or stress – just bootie. Sadly, the best part is when we kiss, he rolls off me and we both fall asleep… (P.S. We co-sleep so we often wind up doing it at the foot of the bed while the baby sleeps up at the head. And yes, we’ve rolled off the bed… heheh)

Mama Jesse 5 years ago

Find a friend with kids and trade off childcare. This is a MUST, because when the sex goes, the relationship goes with it.

Mama.Mami! 5 years ago

Just to let you know I read a Spanish translation of this post published by El yesterday. They were mentioning your blog and how some of the humor was lost in translation but it was great.

Nina Badzin 5 years ago

WOW- what a post!!! I have no great tips (sorry!) but I can just say good for you for your honesty. And I’m really blushing over here at Starbucks!

From Belgium 5 years ago

I can relate in so many ways…

myevil3yearold 5 years ago

Sex, what’s that? It has been so long I don’t even remember. Well, we are doing good for a once a week occurence and we schedule it.

My 3 year old still does not sleep thru the night! I fear she never will.

Traci – MoodiMumma 5 years ago

Love it! Can totally relate, she is not alone xox

Korina 5 years ago

Bfing does not affect your libido ladies AND it makes for healthier children.

Rachael 5 years ago

Sex? I remember that… wait, isn’t that what got me these kids in the first place?

Nicole Kennedy 5 years ago

Yeah, same exact here….only two C-sections though, but I completely related to your body description. The funny thing is, my husband still wants me like I’m 20, with a body to match. Bless his heart!

We’ll get pre-baby sex back but it will be post-high school for our kids and we’ll all be too dang old to enjoy it, I’m sure. How’s that for pessimistic? Yikes!

TripleZmom 5 years ago

I had 3 kids in 4 years, so I know exactly what you’re talking about. But my youngest is now 2 and while I may not have my body back (in fact, I’m pretty much never going to have my body back), my libido is returning. Finally.

Also, a vibrator helps. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but regular, quick orgasms bring your sexy back.

Missy 5 years ago

Between kids and my AD’s, sex is pretty much non-existent.

Thanks for this post so I know that I am not alone.

Jen 5 years ago

Oh man, I can totally relate to this post. I often think of those pre-kids sex days and how awesome they were. I too so miss them.

I too have four kids, three of whom are triplets, so sex is not high on my priority list.

I am trying to make it higher on my list since my kids are older but good God, its hard.

Great post.

KMayer 5 years ago

Nope. You’re not getting it back. But you get that man a vasectomy and it will be better than ever. Not for 5 or six years or so, man your kids are young, but soon enough, you’ll be rocking and rolling along! Promise!

Christian 5 years ago

OMG That is my life to a T! After 12 yrs married and four kids, sex just isn’t there. I’m so tired at night that all my bed is good for is sleep. At least your hubby might get it once a week. Mines down to once a month! Thank goodness I’m not the only one! Loved reading it.

MomJonz 5 years ago

I so feel you. We have 3 girls 2, 4 and 6. I tell my husband I’m just too tired and my body isn’t that sexy little body I had. Never had big boobs anyway, but imagine little boobs that are now saggy. Not pretty. He tells me he still finds me sexy. We have improved though. We schedule sex; yes schedule. 3 days a week. Date night at home on the weekend with a new drink every weekend, then 2 nights a week we get it on. Oh and cute little outfit with heels I must admit it feels good to get the groove back. Of course it will never be like prebabies, but we are working on it. Practice makes perfect, right?

Leah Ambrose 5 years ago

It really doesn’t take that much energy or time to have sex. I don’t understand any of your excuses. In order to be great parents, the marriage must be great. Holding out on sex is only going to frustrate your husband and will probably be the demise of your relationship. Make time for yourselves just as you make time for your children. My husband and I have sex 1-2x’s a day. Yes, we may have to wake up a half an hour earlier, but you know what? It invigorates you for the rest of the day. It’s a great cardiovascular workout, is great for hormone levels, and makes partners more trusting of one another.

kim 5 years ago

We all agree: we all know where you are coming from! A help? A good lubricant. Then the fun is fun, and ‘sometimes’ last longer than 20 minutes, and you can even get ‘into’ it. And babies sleep thru anything. Right? Right? . . .

TB 5 years ago

I understand. Hubby and I usually have sex around midnight then crash. So that will give me at least 5 hours. I can function on 5 hours, kinda. Since becoming a mother I have learned to go through my day in a semi zombie state and still gets stuff done.

Also date night has been a life saver for our sex life. We take the car seats out and do it in the car. It feels kinda creepy to pay our niece to babysit so we can have sex, but you do what you got to do!

The Domestic Goddess 5 years ago

While the sex we have is better (it’s good, honest, it’s just fewer and far between), it isn’t the hot, passionate, quicky, wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night sex like before. I miss that. But what we have now? AWESOME.
And it only took ten years after kids to get it right.

Alexandra 5 years ago

You are so honest. FOr me, this is true. I am exhausted. And I don’t know…but a little help around the house? I call that foreplay.

When will men get smart.

Leslie 5 years ago

LOL and I thought I was the only one going through this!! And I only have ONE child. So glad to see so many others going through it!! After spending the day with my 4 year old chatterbox, I don’t want anyone even TALKING to me much less touching me. GREAT post!!

Jaime 5 years ago

I applaud you for bringing this up on the www! My husband won’t let me – too embarrassed that someone from work will read it.

Brittany at Mommy Words 5 years ago

With 3 4 and under I am right there with you. I’m not sure if it will ever come back and 20 minutes…well that is impressive most days. We can bang it out in 15 easy…if the baby does not wake up.

Theresa 5 years ago

I thought I was alone. You described my body to a tee. I keep fighting the urge to believe I will ever have my pre-mom body again. Although, the trade-off is two really cool people I can’t live without.

Christina 5 years ago

Holy Hell I understand more than I’d like to admit. I’m never in the mood anymore. Like you said, the desire for sleep completely trumps sex every time. It’s been over a month for my hubby…I think…and we only have 3 kids two of which are under 5. Your hubby should be thanking his lucky stars he’s getting laid at all with 4 kids under 7.

Sanderita 5 years ago

Perfect! That was my life …same ‘zact body ~ heck, I had 4 under 5, and if my husband even thought to touch my boobs I’d get pissed! It was like everyone had – or wanted a piece of what was left of my former sexy self 😉 Well it does get better Holly! As the kids got older I started swimming and jogging, and Victoria Secrets can’t keep up with the lingerie purchases my husband makes. The body tightened up and Sex is much better than it was before kids . The appetite is endless ….every day whether he wants it or not …Mommy can’t get enough of it ;)) Of course it grosses the kids out to even think about what goes on in the Master bedroom – but isn’t that what parenting is all about?

Jen 5 years ago

My baby’s almost freakin’ NINE, I only work 25 hours a week and I’m STILL tired.

What does that tell you? :-)

Amanda 5 years ago

Sleep wins way too often here lol

amber 5 years ago

Thank you for making me feel less bad about myself. 😉 Totally in the same boat, and I only have one! But after working all day, then coming home to do housework all night…well, something’s got to give.

Raquel 5 years ago

Okay I got this is in the bag. Divorce this guy, get a new one. Then the kids will go with daddy on the weekends and hopefully a time or two during the week then you will have lots of free time to get it on. Bad side…You lose your hubby. Just kidding of course.

Megan (Best of Fates) 5 years ago

This most makes me oh-so-sad.


Seriously reconsider whether I’d breastfeed.

Just sayin’.

Shawn 5 years ago

Um, so true, but what’s with the tmi comments…

The Mommyologist 5 years ago

Remind me again what sex is? I hardly remember.

Vanessa 5 years ago

Amen and hallelujah to that! I have a 2 year old and she is a handful so when I get her settled
in for the night, I want to crash myself. It’s not for a lack of desire, I am just plain exhausted! I totally agree…..pre-baby sex would be an awesome gift!

Lindsay 5 years ago

All I have to say is “ME TOO!” It’s like you could read my mind! (The only difference is I’ve had 2 kids, hence only 2 c-sections, but I definitely have the exact same body issues.)

Mel 5 years ago

I am mom of 4 under the age of 8 now.. an relate, but I am also probably younger than you are so I think that helps me. MY libido still there. I want sleep for sure, but I do my best to give my husband some us time. He makes comments I am not like myself before kids and it hits home, but neither is he with his job and time away from home. I think since he works out of the home from anywhere to a week to 8 weeks with out any sex .. we def try to do our thing as much as possible.

He just got back home Monday. and I am already wore out and have a UTI from the lack of not having that much and his comments was he wore me out and that he had to give me break. The old me would not need the break.

Ouch.. right…. but true!!!

My kids were not c-sections so I can imagine that.. But I have the 9lb + baby curse and stretch marks.. however my husband insists sometimes that he lights stay on to see me. He calls them my battle scars.

I have 40lbs to lose next year and I hope that helps bring some of it back. Yes I do have the D’s that once were C’s but he still devours them as he always did.. Its better now that the breastfeeding is done with.

Great post.. Can relate in so many levels. For Christmas my husband and I want a weekend away. Thats all.

Summer 5 years ago

It will come back once the kids are a bit older, I don’t know any mother with an infant who has the desire, but they all grow up and the sex and intimacy comes back. I think were all on the same page.

Karen 5 years ago

I only have one kid but I’m the sole bread winner so I’m still exhausted and sadly, I can totally relate. Our 5 year old, who shares our one bedroom apartment, always seems to know when mom and dad are attempting 20 min of private time! Pre-baby sex would be an awesome gift!

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 5 years ago

After knee surgery in August, Husband just got lucky for the first time since JULY!!! It just isn’t right!

Funny you mention all of this…I was just thinking about how we’ve never “christened” our living room couch. The one in the basement? Sure, but that was in my old apartment, near the beach, where I lived alone…blissfully alone!

melissa 5 years ago

Omg!!! I love it so perfect. I have 3 kids and I right there with you. Don’t know when it will happen but I hope it does eventually. I always have the intention but by the time I actually have time I just want to pass out for 2 hours before the first baby wakes up. Poor hubby!

Julie 5 years ago

I know this is gonna sound awful, but I got rid of the husband. My new partner of one year and I are still at it like rabbits. In fact we had sex on the couch this afternoon!!! Ok kids where at day care so gave us some time but still. I hae nearly four years old twins. Never used to have sex with the hubby, but a boy friend well some how its diffrent!!!!

sera 5 years ago

I had a good giggle along with this. its so true isn’t it? the good sex we all used to have Vs the sex we get in every now and again, still good.. but not so romantical.

Christine 5 years ago

This sounds amazingly familiar… I’ve only got 2 kids (under 4), but my sleep-deprived side always seems to beat anything else.

The Baby Mama 5 years ago

My hubby often grabs me at 02:00 in the morning and I love it. It works for us. I’ve had a couple of hours sleep, we get it on, I sleep again and the day continues. Don’t think that’d work for everyone though and the nights that are bad with Baby Girl aren’t good nights to be woken up at 02:00 for a bit of nooky.

Artemis Clover: The real L.A. love story. 5 years ago

i have no desire and no energy for it! GAHH! i blame it on breastfeeding! i also know that when you have been tugged at and needed the whole day but your kids, all you want at night is some space to yourself. good luck and thanks for the guest post.

Julie 5 years ago

Read romance novels. Seriously. It’s the ticket. At least for me it is! I gotta really get myself in the mood before he tries to get me in the mood.

    amy 5 years ago

    That is so true about romance novels. Some do the trick becuz this over the hill mom is seriously having problems getting excited about sex.

      Erin 5 years ago

      the sex scene from Dirty Dancing really melts my butter:)

      Erin 5 years ago

      Lady Libido will come back when she gets some more rest – it will take time.

      My youngest is 2.5 and we are back in a groove –

      it’ll never be the free-wheelin, first phase fallin kind of sex but…it’s something better now…

      Great post – awesome writing!! I dig!! Yo

Yuliya 5 years ago

You have four kids and you still manage to have sex with your husband? You are an inspiration.
(oh and breastfeeding kills libido, it’s awesome blah blah blah, but a libido killer)


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