Slow Down, Asshole!

224 Comments
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The whole neighborhood is talking about me. I mean, I would be talking about me too, if I saw myself standing out there in the middle of the street shouting down cars like a crazy lady. But, of course, I have a perfectly understandable reason for my behavior: It’s that people can’t drive.

They speed down residential streets where children pounce like puppies. They don’t even pretend that the glaring red octagon of civil law means anything. I’m not even talking about a slow, look both ways roll-thru; I’m talking blowing it, full on.

Unless they are all illiterate pregnant women about to give birth, this is a problem.

On any given day, anywhere between three and eight children populate my front lawn. They play running bases. They play soccer. They have baseball catches, frisbee throws, water balloon fights.

I stand on my lawn surrounded by the running children, and in between handing out ice pops or chatting with a friend, loudly scream at offending vehicles, “Slow down!” Or, “Are you kidding me??” They have even inadvertently taught my children a new dirty word or two. So that now before I even pull up my druthers and set my face in a scowl, I might hear my five year-old next to me take the words out of my mouth, “What’s your rush, asshole?”

I am simultaneously mortified and proud.

Sometimes I aggressively stand in the street, forcing them to slow down. On one occasion, I snapped a picture of a license plate. On more than one occasion, I was embarrassed to discover it was a neighbor I was shouting at. But then, I wasn’t embarrassed, because I have children to protect.

Although dirty, shocked looks and fingers abound, no one had ever confronted me, until today. As I was unloading groceries in front of my house, a black car pulled up next to me. The window slid down and a woman I didn’t recognize called out, “I’ve been waiting to catch you for months now.”

Uh oh.

“Yeah, you yelled at me to slow down.”

Shit. “Really?” I wanted to take as tough of a stance as I did from a distance but I was also afraid she was going to yell at me, “Uh, well I’m not sure…Um…”

“I just wanted to apologize and tell you that you were right.”

“Oh.”

She went on to tell me that she had given me a WTF hand gesture at the time, but then realized that she had been going too fast, especially down a residential street. She had been waiting to catch me for months to tell me that she now drives much slower and with greater care.

Well, hot damn.

So while my kids are out there chasing balls, you’ll find me out there with them chasing cars.

A mom’s got to do what a mom’s got to do.

Comments

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    • 5

      Lisa says

      I would be interesting to see how that turns out if you cause a major wreck. Yes he was going faster than he should. Yes, I threw XYZ in the road and he swerved to miss it hitting a child. Arrest him for speeding officer. Ummm…how can I? You threw something out to mess him up on purpose. Please put your hands behind your back Mrs. _____. I’m arresting you for endangering the welfare of a minor. Sir, you will get a ticket for speeding though. Just remember, by throwing things, you can be putting your children in great danger. That car speeding down the road might just swerve in your yard and hit you or your kids.

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    • 6

      Lauren says

      I second Lisa. While I totally get the motive behind the flinging, know that depending upon the laws of your state, the driver on the receiving end of that toss could have you charged…with throwing a missile. Think not? A family friend received house arrest for simply being in the back seat of a car, while the front passenger threw a partially empty Coke bottle at a car they knew going about 30 mph. It is considered assault and, in that case, a deadly weapon (missile), as the driver could swerve and hurt themselves, others, or worse. Better to let fingers fly than objects!

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    • 7

      Andrea says

      Yes, because engangering the lives of others is perfectly justified if another human being on this planet doesn’t comply with how YOU think people should live. There are more constructive and mature ways to make a point than standing in the street throwing shit at people. Be part of a solution instead of escalating the problem, FFS.

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  1. 9

    says

    you are me, and I am you, and we see the same crazy middle aged women in cross over vehicles that are heavy and don’t stop nearly as quickly as they think they do. Oddly in my neighborhood of Minoa NY it is the local village judge whose husband is the speeder, It IS NOT the teenage boys, it is older men and women who quite frankly should move the F** out of the neighborhood now that they are empty nesters, and if they aren’t going to move, they should at least give the respect their generation claims is so lacking in the younger generation

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  2. 13

    says

    I am that mom in my shared drive way. I have a 9,6,2 and 1 yr old. And a dog and at any given time someone can step off our back steps into the driveway. Now I have taught the kids to look but you know kids. So I have said more than once this a driveway not a highway. And if you hit one of my kids it’s not the police you should be worried about. 😈

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