The Six Stages of Pregnancy

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The Six Stages of Pregnancy

Stage 1: You just found out you’re pregnant. You’re excited (or horrified) and you can’t believe you’re going to be a mother. You may be scared to give birth and wonder how you’re going to do it. Everywhere you look you see pregnant women. You’re tired. Like really tired. Every pain and twinge you wonder if it’s because you’re pregnant. You wonder if people can tell that you’re pregnant – sort of like when you wonder if people can tell if you’re drunk (hopefully, you aren’t wondering this at the same time).

Stage 2: You look fat but not pregnant. You can see people kind of looking at you wondering but it seems weird to blurt out “I’m pregnant!” You may or may not have told people by now. The people you’ve told ask you how you’re feeling all the time. You may have bought a couple of maternity things that you think you can wear after the baby comes. You may be tired, sick, have sore boobs and have to pee constantly. It’s a delicious luck of the draw.

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Stage 3: You’re really cute and could be an ad for a maternity store. Everyone can see that you’re pregnant and congratulate you and tell you how wonderful you look. You feel great. Nothing hurts and you don’t feel sick anymore. This stage usually lasts for about 27 minutes.

Stage 4: You’re starting to find it hard to breathe and things are starting to swell. You’re sick of people asking you if you know what you’re having, when you’re due and if you’ve decided on a name. You’re tired of wearing the same maternity clothes but you don’t want to buy new stuff because you’re almost done. Shaving your legs, putting shoes and tending to your lady bits is becoming difficult.

Stage 5: You feel enormous and none of your maternity clothes fit. You want to crash through walls and shout “oh yeah!” like the KoolAid man. People keep saying “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” You have a new appreciation for how difficult it is for the elderly and morbidly obese to get around and swear you’re going to become an advocate for their rights once you catch your breath. You’re no longer scared of birth you just want this kid out of you and if that means pulling it through your right nostril, so be it.

Stage 6: The baby is here. You want to burn your maternity clothes on the front lawn. You’re no longer pregnant and you’re looking forward to getting your body back, a full night’s sleep and eating a nice, hot meal. Wait. What?

Comments

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  1. 3

    Theresa says

    This was exactly how I thought and felt when I was pregnant with my twins. Especially the stage 5 one. I had a 37 week doctor’s apt and the first thing he said to me was, “You’re still pregnant?” I felt like telling him, “Nah, I just like to come out and visit my OB/GYN in +35 degree weather, waiting in the office for almost 2 hours because some other lucky mother went into labour before me and you had to tend to her!”

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  2. 4

    Marlyce says

    Exactly true (except I must have missed stage 3, perhaps I was napping?) and exactly how long is stage 6 supposed to last? I had 3 babies in less than 4 years. My oldest is 5 and youngest is now 18 months and I’m still waiting for a full night sleep and (or?) a hot meal!

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  3. 7

    Sandy says

    Plus sized moms have a slightly different experience. We have all the symptoms, but non of the acknowledgement, and no one ever says we look cute. People are so afraid of getting it wrong that until the very end they hesitate to acknowledge that we’re about to pop.

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  4. 15

    grownandflown says

    Stage – that full night sleep thing. Say goodbye to that until your youngest kid goes off to college, best case. Great list – thanks for the memory prompt!

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  5. 16

    Amanda says

    Hilarious and oh, so true!! Try having twins though. (Not really a dare!) the swelling is horrendous and walking around for more than 2 minutes is a nightmare!

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  6. 17

    Amanda P says

    first baby. in stage 2. actually blurting it out because it’s easier than explaining why I seem hungover every day even though I haven’t had a drink in 3 months.

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