Taking Back Halloween

The last few years, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: Curmudgeons are trying to take away our holidays. You may not have taken notice, though, as this group sets about their task in an insidious manner…

It starts around this time of year, as these curmudgeons hate the Big Three (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas). They hate the joy that accompanies these holidays but, more importantly, they hate the gluttony. You’ll begin to read the articles: “Skinny Your Thanksgiving”. “10 Tips To Avoid Gaining Weight During the Holidays” and  “Healthful Halloween Treats”.

Inevitably, we’re bombarded with tips like “Eat before you go to a party” or “Fill up on the veggie tray.”  Um, excuse me? The veggie tray at a holiday party is an insult to joy-makers everywhere. I don’t care if you go on an 80-day cleanse right up until the holiday party. You show up to MY party, you show up hungry…or else.

I, for one, am standing up to these hate mongers.  I picture myself like Mel Gibson in Braveheart –- blue warrior face-paint and all: “They can take our lives. But they’ll never take our holidays!”

Of course, I adore Kristen Howerton over at “Rage Against the Minivan” and I wholeheartedly agree with her post last year about taking the holidays down a notch. If one more person asks me to craft a leprechaun trap on St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to go Alec Baldwin on their asses. And that ain’t good. I’m talking the big three here, people. And I’m starting with Halloween.

Remember the good old days? The days before social media made everyone a life expert and a craft genius? Like the wonderful lazy days before Pinterest ruined our lives? People weren’t making spooky fingers out of carrots and hummus. They weren’t making pumpkins out of f*cking clementines and celery sticks. And they sure as shit weren’t crafting “boo-riffic” goddamned bananas! And that skeleton you crafted out of veggies? Don’t make me tell you where you can shove that.

No – back in the day, we ate ourselves senseless and gorged on things like Butterfingers, ghost-shaped marshmallows, candy corn, and a plethora of other treats derived from processed goodness. That’s right –– I said processed!

Do you want to know how I plan on spending Halloween? I’m kickin’ it old school. I’m going to coach my kids on the ABC’s of a good Halloween. A) Always trick or treat where the rich people live (duh). B) Binge (and binge and binge again). C) Coconut is for chumps. We’re going to target the houses that give out the CostCo candy (that’s right, the whole effing candy bar!) and egg the houses that try to give us some sort of homemade shit or raisins. Raisins on Halloween will cause a Zombie apocalypse. True story.

Mommy’s going to ensure they choose all her faves when given a choice (bitches gotta get paid, yo). We’ll eat plenty of it as we walk from house to house because that’s just good for energy. And then we’ll get home, throw the loot on the ground, count it, and eat some more! I’ll be there for them during the inevitable sugar crash. And I’ll be there when they pass out on the bed after watching Hotel Transylvania PAST THEIR BED TIME. We are rebels (again, picture Mel Gibson)!

Sure – the next day, we’ll regain our sanity and our composure. I’ll dole out the candy within reason and give the rest to our doctor’s office. We’ll eat clean. We’ll live by the rules. We’ll re-enter society.

But it’s one day, people. One day! And we’re going to treat this holiday like the little bitch that it is.

Are you with me?

Related post: The 10 Stages of Choosing a Halloween Costume

About the writer

Marnie is a freelance writer and mom to two nutty boys – Finn, 5, and Declan, 3 (and 2 two chubby pugs named Fred and Olive). When not writing, she's usually working out or cracking a bottle of Malbec. Screw moderation. You can find her irreverent mommy blog at LoveButBlog, on Twitter, and on Facebook.

From Around the Web


Mel 3 weeks ago

I fully agree! On holidays we go crazy, we hold NOTHING back. Then the next day it’s back to business. There are plenty of other days during the year to be “good.” :) Mel at mothersheeporganics.com

Jill 11 months ago

All the way with you on this one!!

I am the Class Mom that all the other moms hate b/c I’m the one who sends in the sugary icing coated chocolate chip filled cupcakes with monster eye gumballs on top!! yes, folks, that is the way to do Hallowe’en class treats!
And we hand our proper chocolate candies as well. We let our kids binge – they don’t anymore, they’ve learned the hard way, but the option is there for them.
This year with it on Friday night, we’re going to be up half the night watching scary movies, because, why shouldn’t we? That’s how I grew up, and thats how my 4 tween-teens are growing up!
Hallowe’en Proper!!

pkhalls 11 months ago

Yessssss!!!! Love this!! We’re so excited for trick or treating tonight :)

crystal 12 months ago

Love this! Halloween is our fave holiday and we go all out. Halloween is the one day a year that we can do as we please and be what we want to be without judgment. Its the one day a year that we can go crazy with the color black, evil decor, awesome face paint, and scary to crazy costumes. There are no limits with halloween. Honestly, halloween hangs out throughout the year for us in some ways just because we love the black roses, some of the porcelain and ceramic decor, as well as the color black. If you don’t like halloween, dressing ip, or jink food then by all means stay home and leave uour lights off or stay home and feed those of us who enjoy it the junk food we crave. We don’t judge you so why judge us. To all of uou who celebrate…have a very happy spooktacular halloween!

Jae 12 months ago

I totally agree with you! In our neighborhood they promote an event called trunk or treat. That’s not halloween. I still buy candy and decrate the house to let the neighborhood kids know I’m candy and kid friendly. I even answer the door in costume.

Jean Schnabel StClair 12 months ago

Yes they were but they used immagination nstead.i

Christine Culotta 12 months ago

I guess I was a fan of Martha Stewart way before Pinterest. Now, I give little bags with curly ribbons, stuffed with toothbrushes, mini toothpaste, hand sanitizer, purse size tissue, & the miniature 10 packs of baby wipes! I sometimes, throw a pedialyte pop to the mother, and say just in case! And grab a stash of coupons from the office for formula & / or diapers for infants or moms that are expecting!

Leanne 12 months ago

I am with you 100%!!! I swear- if I have to hear about another recipe for a nut free, gluten free ‘treat’ that tastes like tree bark…I’m gonna’ hurl! When the heck did the peanut become the most toxic substance known to man?

Let the kids be kids! Let them dress up, have a crappy dinner washed down with a pound of candy. It’s only one day a year! Did it kill us? Nope! When did everyone become so uptight?

Agree….You gotta work for that candy and yes….bitches gotta get paid, Yo! Our parents always collected the ‘parent tax!’ We’d trick-or-treat for HOURS collecting enough candy to keep a small army cracked out on sugar for a week!

If you’re crafty- great! If not, who cares? Not everyone can be Martha Stewart or Betty freakin’ Crocker! I’m crafty but not great with cooking. And? Thou shall not judge! I love holidays, decorating for them, and just enjoying them.

Until I became a parent- I never knew it’d be the MOST competitive job I’d ever have! Let’s take back the holidays!

Choppy 12 months ago

Use it for the decadent Thanksgiving pies & Christmas cookies.
We just discovered that after 12 years the youngest has an ‘allergic reaction’ to CHOCOLATE…. guess who finally gets ALL the chocolate yummies!

Jennifer Brown 12 months ago

I don’t get the point of trying to bring a Mom down. If a Mom wants to do healthier Halloween treats, and has time to do the Pinteresty stuff, more lower to her. If a Mom doesn’t have time, or the patience, to do something like that, and goes for candy, more power to her too. We have a diabetic in the family, so we try to go light on the candy. I can only imagine how awful Halloween is for parents of kids with food allergies. Parenting is hard damn work, why don’t we all just celebrate that we’ve raising happy kids and leave it at that??
Having said that, the people who drive their kids door to door drive me insane. Just walk the block with your kids.

Allison Diehl 12 months ago

Hear hear! I do think you should park and make your kids walk if you drive them to the “rich” neighborhood or any neighborhood. I see people driving house to house in our neighborhood (which is not upscale). Absurd!

Lin Blaisdell 12 months ago

For those critics out there my kids eat candy (even huge trick or treat hauls) in extreme moderation usually choosing raw fruit and veggies as munchies. They choose active play over video games a majority of the time when given the choice. Because of naive arguments like yours the calorie standards set for the sedentary lifestyle are what their schools go by. What use to be healthy fulfilling school lunches i.e. raw fruits, raw veggies, lean proteins, low carb based meals are now starvation inducing calorie restricted for growing active kids. Not to mention a BMI that sees my health slender active 10 year old as border line fat and my pudgie 6 year old junkie as healthy. So back off and let my kids be kids while they can.

Christine Najarian-Spencer 12 months ago

SO true!!!

Marie 12 months ago

I agree! My mom did it for me and I turned out just fine (in my opinion) and I will do it for my baby as well!

We are gonna party hard and yes the rich side of town gives out GREAT candy!

Lisa M. Katsanevas Walker 12 months ago

You obviously don’t have a child with any food allergies. :/

Kylie 12 months ago

I agree but what is the rest of the Halloween ABCs?

Diane Gerwood 12 months ago

These comments are so great!

Michelle Fenton 12 months ago

Childhood obesity is at record highs in this country. Americans have the fattest people. Stop with the excuses to feed yourself junk. There is nothing wrong with healthy treats. Yes, one day can kill you. Sugar is an addictive substance. Then you wonder why your kids are fat & have rotten teeth!

Chelsea Anglin 12 months ago

We carve a pumpkin every year using sharpies to draw the face and a kitchen knife to cut it up. No saw blades, patterns, etc.

Kim Johnson 12 months ago


Karry Karlstad 12 months ago

Lmao! Damn right!

Ooops, I Said Vagina again. 12 months ago

Honestly…that picture has full size candy bars! MAJOR points for the full size candy bars. That is as crafty as I get….full sized candy bars…

Kate Austin Spina 12 months ago

Awesome!!! I’m also sick of the lets be healthy all the time mantra. Getting candy once a year is not going to kill anyone.

Nikki Fugett Dobens 12 months ago

I avoid all things pinterest. It makes me feel like a bad mom. lol I miss the days before all this. :)

Amanda 12 months ago

OLD SCHOOL! OLD SCHOOL! OLD SCHOOL! OLD SCHOOL! OLD SCHOOL! OLD SCHOOL! Keepin’ in real…. Halloween is SCARY! Not cute…. Seriously, figure it out people. I live to scare the crap out of people on Halloween, it’s kinda my thing. SPOOKYS FOR EVERYBODY!

Sylvia Surratt Johnston 12 months ago

I totally agree. I would let my boys eat their Halloween candy-earnings for that evening, then the following weekend. After that, it went away to the ghosts and goblins that walked the earth the rest of the year to keep them away from our house (gotta pay the ghost tax…ha ha) After they were too old to trick or treat, and YES people don’t let your friggin TEENAGERS *16, 17 year olds…UGH trick or treat…..We ALL dressed up and scared the BaJEEZees out of all the tricksters that came to our house for HUGE CANDY BARS! GO OLD SCHOOL Halloween!!!!

Obaynne Dawnstar 12 months ago

I’ve never lived anywhere where we got a lot of kids to the door but I always get three boxes of candy to hand out (making sure there’s a peanut free option because I had friends with allergies as a kid and they never got to go out) and because of never getting lots of kids there’s always handfuls to give away.
I however am pretty mean to my kids – they are little and can’t walk far so they never bring in much candy – therefore they don’t get much lmao
One or two things that night then one or two things till it’s all gone. After I take all the chocolate and not sour gummies the first night of course lmao

Susan Vanderbeck Luci 12 months ago

True! I do agree with this…

Deborah Ellison 12 months ago


Nancy Wiz 12 months ago

Totally agree with everything you wrote! And I still give out full size candy bars because kids don’t get them anymore on Halloween. They wouldn’t believe our entire haul, years ago, was ALL full size candy bars!

Melanie Hendrickson 12 months ago

Rock it Momma! We agree whole heartedly with this. I have always, taken my kid out and for a few years we stopped. Not alot of people participate in the Halloween tradition here anymore. But, I still found the neighborhood that does and you better believe we will be doing it again this year. Why shouldn’t our kids have the great fun we used too? Whether I’m a fricken diabetic or not I don’t care. I will have a couple pieces of candy and fun in watching my little one run door to door. I will go through each piece of the candy mountain at the end of the night and make sure it’s safe. I hell with the apples, and shit. That all goes directly in the garbage. Thanks for keeping it real Momma!

Melissa Miller 12 months ago

This is how we do Halloween ! :))

Michelle 12 months ago

Hell yeah I’m in!!!! I’m glad I’m not alone in the sugar rush and it’s my son’s bday that day too so I’m preparing for all yummy goodness :)

Lisa Swift 12 months ago

I’ve heard that people drive their kids to the ” good neighbourhood ” to trick or treat ?seriously ?

nuru 12 months ago

I grew up in the country so we went to our 5 neighbors and then in to town to my grandparents and maybe one or two family friends. For us the fun part was the costumes and carving pumpkins and decorating. Now I’m in the city and it’s fun to see all the little ones out and about. I don’t even mind the teens, if they at least put a little effort in but I figure if they are out trick or treating they aren’t drinking, causing trouble or fucking! I buy little bottles of booze for our parent friends too…

Mindi Spenner 12 months ago

I 100% agree but I think this has come about because Halloween isn’t one day anymore- it’s a month with 53 parties. My gawd, don’t get me started on Christmas. Someone seems to hand my kids a piece of candy nearly very day of the year for some reason. Someone I the class has a birthday. The counting and estimation jar. They lined up quickly. They started school. They finished school. The class finished a book. Their class had the most permission forms turned in. Granted, when I serve carrot sticks- it’s out of the bag. I’ll still let them go nuts on the day but I sure do wish we could tone down the rest of the year.

Sarah Mason 12 months ago

We just had a kids’ Halloween party and we DID make those things! I couldn’t just serve candy so we did the boo-nanas, the oranges with the celery stalks, cheese slices cut out with cookie cutters, and grape kebabs with candy eyes. It was so fun! But we also gave out candy in the treat bags and had cupcakes on the table. I think all the crafty food stuff is fun and it was just as fun as decorating the house!

Dotti Eiker 12 months ago

You are right on.

Stewart Sabrina Carboni 12 months ago

Lol… I conquer!!!!!

Amanda Akers 12 months ago

Jennifer Quam Howell hilarious. While pinterest carrots and humus are totally cute and healthy choice idea, which I like…totally ok with going back in the 80s style trick or treating. There’s a bag of kit kats waiting to be enjoyed in my garage.

Porterhouse 12 months ago

Yes! Bring on the chocolate!

Nancy Metzgar 12 months ago

Just HAD to share this!

audra 12 months ago

Yes!!! It is ridiculous what people are trying to do to these holidays. There is a group of mothers in our elementary school who are trying to take away sweets and candy from the Halloween parties. No candy? What holiday do you think it is? The holiday is solely about candy. We are NOT having carrot sticks and water in our class. Not if I have anything to do with it. Bring on the chocolate!

Jodi Weiser 12 months ago

Preach it!

CarlaJo Allen 12 months ago

Some Moms are so busy trying to look perfect for other Moms, they forget what it’s really all about

Melissa 12 months ago

I love this! That’s the way we do Halloween too.

Emma Grubbs 12 months ago

I will make sure my daughter experiences real trick or treating before it dies completely.

Robyn Seley 12 months ago

I love the descriptions, made me giggle

Soledad 12 months ago

My mother the horror lover raised me in a household with love, fun and tons of scary movies and fantasy. I watched High Spirits, Beetle juice and oddly enough Cat People (82) with intense passion. I am a bright (over 200 IQ) well adjusted woman who still LOVES Halloween, our Dia de los muertes and anything supernatural, horror…magical. I watch Witches of East End like it is a telenovela. This modern society SUCKS. Religious persecutors are everywhere, I swear if they could they’d bring the Witch trials back. I see more closed minds than ever and ridiculous child rearing “rules”. My son and infant daughter are going to be exposed to all my childhood loves and hopefully find their own as well. My son already has worn out his Pied Piper book and his collected tales of Washington Irving. My son loves scary things and especially Witches, and good books! We have a Wolfman prop on our steps and have decorated our Xmas tree with orange lights. Mostly getting raves but a view hate it and think it is too “scary”. People are getting crankier about decorating as well, even Xmas is not like it used to be with all out fun decorating.
Also, who is buying all those Monster High dolls?

Deirdre 12 months ago

Great points, but don’t forget Kristen Howertons post about child labor in chocolate. We give out candy, just not candy made by other children in slave labor. I can’t afford that much fair trade chocolate so we give out sugar treats, Nerds, smarties, Laffy Taffy, Rice Krispie treats, etc.

Shelly Summerton Gregg 12 months ago

Love it!!!!!!!!!!!

Aniela Payne 12 months ago


Sarah 12 months ago

Hell yes!!!

Amy Kress 12 months ago

My house is a candy house (and a GOOD CANDY house too) but my classroom is clementine jack-o-lanterns and boo-nanas all the way. They get a cupcake and some chips but I’ve had too many kids miss trick-or-treating because they stuff themselves with munchkins and barf on the way home. Mostly it’s because of all the “last minute extras” people want to bring in.

Emily Owen 12 months ago

We enjoyed it as children…. Let your children enjoy it…..they are only there once!!!! Think back!

Carrie Zoll DeNote 12 months ago

Whatever we like our crafty movie nights and not having diabetes.

Fabiola Perkins 12 months ago


Melba Sutton 12 months ago

My maternal grandmother would ask the children to do a trick before they could have a treat…she made popcorn balls.

Earlene Lapierre 12 months ago

For everyone’s info, this was my daughters creation and it was the week for snakes for her daughters class. The school likes healthy snakes, so she makes a creation that the kids eat and enjoy. This was not a party.

Willa Jean Gibson 12 months ago

So are you going to make meatloaf feet with onion toenails with splashes of catsup?

Christy Marie Dulle Coffman 12 months ago

I have no problem with the craft people, but if any of my kids candy is open or is not store bought, she doesn’t get to keep it. you can’t afford to trust your child’s health to anyone you don’t know.

melissa 12 months ago

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this article!! And I read the one you’ve referred to up there, last year, and agree as well. You’ve said it all. Its 1 day!! People need to stop over thinking some things and best yet, there are far more legitimate causes to put their passions to.
Well done.

Maryellen Horgan-Currier 12 months ago

Very funny!

Cheryl Merritt 12 months ago

Don’t worry about the candy tax…everyone in my hood knows its coffee and baileys to go for the parents. Geez they even bring their own to go cups now!

Aimee Monahan 12 months ago

No shit!

Erika Enstrom Winters 12 months ago

These are way funny…..

Mike Gallagher 12 months ago

Love it. Happy Hallowen,let kids be kids

Nicki 12 months ago

AMEN! Let them be kids and make them brush their teeth for an extra minute! Eat all the candy you can kids and throw the raisins, goldfish, pretzels, mini bibles, and whatever other stupid “treat” someone tries to pass off as healthy back in their non Halloween bowl!

Heather Smith Banek 12 months ago

LMFAO! I love this woman!

Vivica McCray 12 months ago

Who the hell has time for that shit anyways.

Shirley Kokansky 12 months ago

Don’t listen to the Mommy complaints.

Amber Marie Schnell 12 months ago

What’s the deal with everyone hating on creative people lately? Newsflash: Not everything is about you!

Diane Mendoza Mozaffari 12 months ago

Haha. That was funny

Taryn 12 months ago

Thank you! )I also have a 3yr old Declan.) I try to cut out the majority of processed food, follow whole food blogs and I’ve been thinking about trying to do something non- candy for Halloween- you’re right it’s one day. Thank you for making me feel better about letting go!

Sarah Hunt 12 months ago

I’m definitely not crafty. My attempts are comical. But I don’t get all the defensiveness about other people being crafty. Yeah, don’t be a smug priss about it, but in general, what’s the harm here? I don’t feel threatened by the occasional carefully crafted, upcycled, mod podge “Boo-tastic” knick knack. I’m glad people are doing something they enjoy. Am I just getting too old to enjoy the snarky side of the internet? 😀

Maria Sh 12 months ago

This is a good post. People make too big of a deal out of ONE TIME. yes some things are bad for you. But one day of candy won’t make you obese or diabetic. One hot dog festival won’t give you cancer. If I’m in a restaurant giving my kid pizza or fries, you don’t need to snap a photo on your iPhone and go home and instagram about what a horrible mom I am and how you feel sorry for my malnourished kid and his horrible future health. There is something called fun. Something called treats. This used to be understood, before about 1990-ish when what I call the War on Fun began!

Laurie WJN 12 months ago

LOVE your post & I couldn’t agree more, I’d much rather gain weight and enjoy each and every precious minute of the holidays than limit my self to the veggie tray – limiting my fun is more like it. If a full size candy bar gets kid’s noses out of a video game for the evening then we all win!

Mary 12 months ago

I agree with your attitude. Just praying you are joking about the egging of the houses since that can destroy paint. We just make sure we never go to those houses again.

Our pediatrician told us about their neighborhood. They had previously lived in a sparsely populated neighborhood and gave out whole candy bars. Then they moved to a new neighborhood on a golf course. Fortunately one of the new neighbors warned them about Halloween and said that people from all over the area would bring their kids there for trick or treating. They ended up with almost 500 kids. Each one received only one mini candy bar.
You need to take your kids where there aren’t many kids. We only get about eight kids and they each get a whole candy bar and a can of Mountain Dew. (Get them whipped up!)

Vickie Elsom Grossman 12 months ago

There is always someone better than the rest of us who has to force their way and their beliefs on everyone else. Screw em

Yvonne 12 months ago

I am with you, William Wallace! Lol

Michelle White 12 months ago

She forgot cities and towns that choose another official trick or treating day not on Halloween, because it’s more convenient.

Meggan Weston Strasbaugh 12 months ago

Come to my house, peanut butter cups, the big ones, and no pennies, raisins, or plastic oriental trading crap. Good old fashioned sugar full candy here.

Annamarie Dardano Tucker 12 months ago


Vicci B. Chuc 12 months ago

Sadly I like coconut :/ always have, but I am with you sister. Although my entire family does enjoy a good veggie tray, as long as there is dip, and not that light shit, full calorie, full flavor damn dip. I do let my kids binge every halloween, then I steal their candy when they sleep, and hoard what’s left and had it out like rations in jail. LOL My house is decorated with all the halloween gear, I have it all, love Halloween!

Michelle Hartford 12 months ago

Liked by the woman who snagged “veggie tray” for the Halloween party…Alison hahahaha

Elizabeth Ann Gross 12 months ago

Have you tried the butter finger peanut butter cups – OMG

Helen Rugg 12 months ago

LOVE IT! Hilarious!!

Sandra Tanguay 12 months ago

Love it! :)

Lisa-Marie Dugan 12 months ago

If someone offers my kid a home made treat, healthy or not, that is going right in the garbage. I’m all for candy, all for eating healthy….However, there are too many sickos out there who would put shit in something. Might not be you, but that’s the thing WE were warned about as kids. Plus….candy and chocolate is awesome.

Rochelle Kaye Barrett 12 months ago

Little kids choose from a cauldron filled with pencils, play dough, and non food items, older kids and teens get a handful of chocolate and the adults get Jell-O shots. Everyone gets something with out worry of food allergies or age! I love Pinterest , but won’t be making anything but my Jell-O shots from the website. I grew up in Wisconsin trick or treating on a Sunday afternoon! Pretty much ruined childhood .

Kathy Thielemann Zambrano 12 months ago

We also are getting the bite size candy instead of the regular size candy bars. Oh how I long for the good old days!!

Maria Mayo 12 months ago

Lmao lmao lmao!!!!

Al’s Lamporium 12 months ago

ITS ONE DAY!!! I hate people who are so worried about calories they take the fun out of their children’s life.

Teresa Carney Wells 12 months ago


Sharon LoVerde Greenhut 12 months ago

I shared it and kids are kids only once!

Denise 12 months ago

YES! I’m with ya! I’ll be trick or treating with my boys, 7 and FIFTEEN. And actually, around here is the middle class folk that give out better candy. Half the “McMansions” around the corner are house poor…and there’s too much space between their houses. BUT, I do have to give credit to the cul de sack parties–these people sit at the house closes to the main street with a fire pit and beer cooler…and a BIG TABLE with 8 or 7 houses worth of candy out. (Then you don’t need to walk back to their individual houses!)

Monika 12 months ago

You my friend are a genius!!!

Courtney Mackey 12 months ago

Man, if somebody wants to be crafty and healthy quit bitching. Don’t make your kids eat it. Whining about those people is just the same as them bitching about your candy. Maybe their kid has diabetes and they want them to feel included? How about whether you hand out candy or something healthy, let your kids enjoy dressing up and having a good time? How about we stop using any slight bit of change as an excuse to bitch about other parents? We do have the largest obese children population in the world. If you want your kids to have more candy, then go buy it or shut up.


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