Taking Back Halloween

44 Comments

halloween_candy

 

The last few years, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: Curmudgeons are trying to take away our holidays. You may not have taken notice, though, as this group sets about their task in an insidious manner…

 

It starts around this time of year, as these curmudgeons hate the Big Three (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas). They hate the joy that accompanies these holidays but, more importantly, they hate the gluttony. You’ll begin to read the articles: “Skinny Your Thanksgiving”. “10 Tips To Avoid Gaining Weight During the Holidays” and  “Healthful Halloween Treats”.

 

Inevitably, we’re bombarded with tips like “Eat before you go to a party” or “Fill up on the veggie tray.”  Um, excuse me? The veggie tray at a holiday party is an insult to joy-makers everywhere. I don’t care if you go on an 80-day cleanse right up until the holiday party. You show up to MY party, you show up hungry…or else.

 

I, for one, am standing up to these hate mongers.  I picture myself like Mel Gibson in Braveheart –- blue warrior face-paint and all: “They can take our lives. But they’ll never take our holidays!”

 

Of course, I adore Kristen Howerton over at “Rage Against the Minivan” and I wholeheartedly agree with her post last year about taking the holidays down a notch. If one more person asks me to craft a leprechaun trap on St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to go Alec Baldwin on their asses. And that ain’t good. I’m talking the big three here, people. And I’m starting with Halloween.

 

Remember the good old days? The days before social media made everyone a life expert and a craft genius? Like the wonderful lazy days before Pinterest ruined our lives? People weren’t making spooky fingers out of carrots and hummus. They weren’t making pumpkins out of f*cking clementines and celery sticks. And they sure as shit weren’t crafting “boo-riffic” goddamned bananas! And that skeleton you crafted out of veggies? Don’t make me tell you where you can shove that.

 

No – back in the day, we ate ourselves senseless and gorged on things like Butterfingers, ghost-shaped marshmallows, candy corn, and a plethora of other treats derived from processed goodness. That’s right –– I said processed!

 

Do you want to know how I plan on spending Halloween? I’m kickin’ it old school. I’m going to coach my kids on the ABC’s of a good Halloween. A) Always trick or treat where the rich people live (duh). B) Binge (and binge and binge again). C) Coconut is for chumps. We’re going to target the houses that give out the CostCo candy (that’s right, the whole effing candy bar!) and egg the houses that try to give us some sort of homemade shit or raisins. Raisins on Halloween will cause a Zombie apocalypse. True story.

 

Mommy’s going to ensure they choose all her faves when given a choice (bitches gotta get paid, yo). We’ll eat plenty of it as we walk from house to house because that’s just good for energy. And then we’ll get home, throw the loot on the ground, count it, and eat some more! I’ll be there for them during the inevitable sugar crash. And I’ll be there when they pass out on the bed after watching Hotel Transylvania PAST THEIR BED TIME. We are rebels (again, picture Mel Gibson)!

 

Sure – the next day, we’ll regain our sanity and our composure. I’ll dole out the candy within reason and give the rest to our doctor’s office. We’ll eat clean. We’ll live by the rules. We’ll re-enter society.

 

But it’s one day, people. One day! And we’re going to treat this holiday like the little bitch that it is.

 

Are you with me?

Comments

  1. 1

    Kati says

    Ha, ha, ha, I love it. I soooo agree and YES I am with you! Now one more thing to add. Let the kids dress up to be a scary monster. For the love…if one more person looks at me like I have three heads because I say my DD wants to be a witch and DS a skeleton I will scream. So you don’t let your 5 year old be a zombie good for you but don’t judge me because I see no lasting harm in letting my kids play dress up how they like for a night. Plus it is HALLOWEEN not DISNEYCHARACTEROWEEN…just and FYI. That is all :)

    • 3

      Dawn says

      Yes!! I’ve told my two that Halloween is all about being scarier than the things that scare you, so they dress up as scary things. Last year my son was a demon and my daughter was a witch. This year they both want to be vampires. Kids are small and lots of things scare them, so they enjoy being the scary one for a change.

  2. 4

    Valiant_Rose says

    Yes! I am 100% behind you on this! …except for the coconut. I’ve always loved chocolate with coconut inside ;-)

  3. 6

    says

    Soooooooo in agreement! My 3 year old and my 1 year old will be getting all the freaking candy I can get them in their store bought ninja and teddy bear costumes, and my 3 year old will be staying up waaaaaaaaay past his bedtime to watch Nightmare Before Christmas and whatever other “scary” movies I can think to have him watch. (Within reason-he is 3 after all.) And the next day I will deal with the inevitable upset tummies and hyperactivity (because, you know, we’re on a GFCF diet, and he’s ASD/ADHD, so…LOL), because they’re only kids once and it’s ONE DAY A YEAR. *End mini rant*

  4. 9

    says

    I completely agree! Let the rest of the year be for moderation; Halloween is for gorging out on the nastiest, sweetest stuff you can get your hands on!!

  5. 10

    CJ says

    As a recipe developer and baking blogger, my job is to create cute and clever holiday ideas that just feed this whole machine. As a mom, oh my word I’m so tired. I want off the craft a pumpkin out of the veggie tray train. Not to mention that given the nature of my work, I’m done and completely over holidays at least 6-8 weeks before they occur so by the time they roll around, yeah, done. Over it. I hear yeah loud and clear. Give me those full size candy bars. And I will have no guilt for pulling out all of the ones with nuts (kid with a nut allergy) and enjoying them myself.

  6. 12

    Kelly says

    I am with you EXCEPT the trick or treat in the rich neighborhoods, unless it has changed since I was a kid. My bff and I went to the rich neighborhood one year and her sister stayed in our nice middle class neighborhood. The rich had massive yards that you had to hike through to get to the door and be given one tiny cheap piece of candy. We even had sprinklers on automatic timers go off. After two hours we barely had half a bag of candy. Meanwhile her sister in the same time span was on her 2nd pillow case full.

  7. 14

    says

    I agree! We’re waiting one more year to do any real trick or treating. My LO is 1 1/2, so she won’t remember this one anyway. However, she is dressing up, and we are handing out candy (for the first time ever). I have bags full in my cupboard just waiting for the day! I’m not giving out the big bars, but I have a ton of different minis to choose from!

  8. 16

    says

    I am SO there! I don’t even have kids (not by choice) but my house is decorated to the nines (is that the right word?)! I’m stocked full of candy to hand out. I don’t give full sized bars, I give BAGS! Okay, not really bags! I just have a HUGE bowl of everything and I deliver one handful to each childs bag. The parents pipe up in the background, ‘remember, just one piece.’ I always think to myself, ‘I don’t think so pal. It’s Halloween!’ I live vicariously through each of those kids and give them what every kid wants, a s**t-ton of candy! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

    • 17

      Jessica says

      I don’t know your history of why you don’t have kids, obviously, but I LOVE that you are living vicariously and enjoying the kids’ spirit.

      • 18

        says

        Thank you! I just LOVE Halloween! My best friend hates it so while her kids were little I was all over going to help them with costumes and ideas for parties that I’d throw for her kids and their friends at her house!I have over 25 nieces/nephews and great nieces/nephews. So I have learned to accept my situation and get to be the ‘favorite Aunt’ because I can spoil each and everyone of them. Of course then send them home. Yes, I can hear the moans! =)
        I’m also very lucky that I am able to work with children daily. Makes my own situation seem a little easier when I can do good for other’s children. I can’t help but to love them all.

        Medical reasons are to blame. However, you get what you’re given and life moves on.

        HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

  9. 19

    says

    Hilarious! Sorry I can't join you wholeheartedly in this! But I'm concerned about what many of those ingredients can do to my kids and have been invited to give a healthy/green Halloween presentation on the radio. Luckily there are alternatives that taste just as good as our old favorites!

  10. 20

    says

    THIS!! Your post reminds me of a time growing up when one Halloween something possessed my mom to give out pretzels as treats. How our house didn't get egged, I'll never understand, LOL. But don't let your kids eat the candy before you've checked it! There are so many effed-up people nowadays who poison candy or stick pins in them. You've really got to be careful.

  11. 21

    Shelley says

    Awesome! LOVE it!! And don’t forget about celebrating Halloween on the 31st no matter what day of the week it falls on! None of this “well it’s Sunday. I don’t think we are supposed to trick or treat in Sunday”. WTC? And don’t knock on my door until it is pretty much dark. If your little ones need a flashlight or glow sticks, get them. Simple! Have fun & eat more chocolate!!!

  12. 22

    Katie says

    The only non-candy item you’ll ever see coming out of my house is glow stick bracelets- ‘cuz who doesn’t LOVE a glow stick? Other than that candy all the way!

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