Taking Back Halloween

The last few years, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: Curmudgeons are trying to take away our holidays. You may not have taken notice, though, as this group sets about their task in an insidious manner…

It starts around this time of year, as these curmudgeons hate the Big Three (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas). They hate the joy that accompanies these holidays but, more importantly, they hate the gluttony. You’ll begin to read the articles: “Skinny Your Thanksgiving”. “10 Tips To Avoid Gaining Weight During the Holidays” and  “Healthful Halloween Treats”.

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Inevitably, we’re bombarded with tips like “Eat before you go to a party” or “Fill up on the veggie tray.”  Um, excuse me? The veggie tray at a holiday party is an insult to joy-makers everywhere. I don’t care if you go on an 80-day cleanse right up until the holiday party. You show up to MY party, you show up hungry…or else.

I, for one, am standing up to these hate mongers.  I picture myself like Mel Gibson in Braveheart –- blue warrior face-paint and all: “They can take our lives. But they’ll never take our holidays!”

Of course, I adore Kristen Howerton over at “Rage Against the Minivan” and I wholeheartedly agree with her post last year about taking the holidays down a notch. If one more person asks me to craft a leprechaun trap on St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to go Alec Baldwin on their asses. And that ain’t good. I’m talking the big three here, people. And I’m starting with Halloween.

Remember the good old days? The days before social media made everyone a life expert and a craft genius? Like the wonderful lazy days before Pinterest ruined our lives? People weren’t making spooky fingers out of carrots and hummus. They weren’t making pumpkins out of f*cking clementines and celery sticks. And they sure as shit weren’t crafting “boo-riffic” goddamned bananas! And that skeleton you crafted out of veggies? Don’t make me tell you where you can shove that.

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No – back in the day, we ate ourselves senseless and gorged on things like Butterfingers, ghost-shaped marshmallows, candy corn, and a plethora of other treats derived from processed goodness. That’s right –– I said processed!

Do you want to know how I plan on spending Halloween? I’m kickin’ it old school. I’m going to coach my kids on the ABC’s of a good Halloween. A) Always trick or treat where the rich people live (duh). B) Binge (and binge and binge again). C) Coconut is for chumps. We’re going to target the houses that give out the CostCo candy (that’s right, the whole effing candy bar!) and egg the houses that try to give us some sort of homemade shit or raisins. Raisins on Halloween will cause a Zombie apocalypse. True story.

Mommy’s going to ensure they choose all her faves when given a choice (bitches gotta get paid, yo). We’ll eat plenty of it as we walk from house to house because that’s just good for energy. And then we’ll get home, throw the loot on the ground, count it, and eat some more! I’ll be there for them during the inevitable sugar crash. And I’ll be there when they pass out on the bed after watching Hotel Transylvania PAST THEIR BED TIME. We are rebels (again, picture Mel Gibson)!

Sure – the next day, we’ll regain our sanity and our composure. I’ll dole out the candy within reason and give the rest to our doctor’s office. We’ll eat clean. We’ll live by the rules. We’ll re-enter society.

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But it’s one day, people. One day! And we’re going to treat this holiday like the little bitch that it is.

Are you with me?

Related post: The 10 Stages of Choosing a Halloween Costume

About the writer

Marnie is a freelance writer and mom to two nutty boys – Finn, 5, and Declan, 3 (and 2 two chubby pugs named Fred and Olive). When not writing, she's usually working out or cracking a bottle of Malbec. Screw moderation. You can find her irreverent mommy blog at LoveButBlog, on Twitter, and on Facebook.


Jana Inanc 4 weeks ago

I’m originally not from USA, but reading your aricle makes me wanna join you at your rebelious Halloween celebration!

nchan 1 month ago

Anyone who compares themselves to Mel Gibson is a scary person.

Branwyn 1 month ago

I’m of two minds. On one hand, I love it! I feel so sorry for so many children these days who are being denied the joy of the once-per-six-months candy gorge that Halloween was in my childhood (Easter being the other in the year), for no reason other than the other moms who will judge a parent for allowing their child more than one piece of candy in a day.

On the other hand, the internet has brought our attentions to the fact that people, including children, exist for whom a single piece of candy, much less a bag full, could be life threatening. Such people should be included in the festivities too. I have a 4 year old niece who cannot metabolize fats, so when she’s old enough to go to parties she might appreciate being able to go and nibble on veggies rather than being completely excluded. So I have no problem with veggie trays at parties (carrots make a good palate cleanser between different cream cheese based dips, anyways). And I have no problem with buying a few cheap toys to have mixed in to my candy bowl for the children who wish to select them. I don’t think these things detract from the joy of the holiday.

As to the comments issue: I suspect that perhaps the zombie apocalypse broke out in the comments and they all had to be quarantined for the good of society… or maybe people were being *ahem* highly offended at the subject matter of the article and all gather en mass to beat the author to death with skeletons made of celery sticks… in either case, perhaps it was a public safety issue.

Amanda 1 month ago

Yeah I’m only able to read pat and jjs comments. Wth?

pat seen 1 month ago

there must be problem with the comments! Only able to read one (JJ’s from 2 hours ago) out of 425 comments.

JJ 1 month ago

I don’t know who exactly is farting on any of the holidays. I think Christmas is so far overblown that it’s ridiculous. I don’t celebrate that one because it’s an empty holiday. All it is is about gifts. Anyone who thinks it’s a religious holiday is only kidding themselves. Thanksgiving though is my favorite by far because it’s about enjoying time with your family, exactly why I hate Christmas even more. Guess what’s cutting into Thanksgiving? Christmas shopping! Everyone should have Thanksgiving off, like they used to, to spend time with their families. There should not be any of this ridiculous “Black Thursday” shit that requires so many people to skip out on Thanksgiving in order to keep their jobs because a bunch of greedy assholes don’t have the good sense to stay home themselves.

All that said, Halloween is the most fun and will always be. I hope everyone has the problem of having too many fun (legal) things ahead of them on Halloween to fit it all in one night.


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