Five Ways Teens Are Grosser Babies


teens_below_525We all know babies can be pretty frigging gross. Every single one of them is obligated to have at least one diaper blow-out that leaves them covered head to toe in shit. They really have no social discretion, either and will freely grunt their way through taking that shit in the midst of a big family dinner. Babies make up for it by being cute, though. Teens, however, not cute. They’re just disgusting…

1. They Stink. Is there anything sweeter than the smell of baby or a toddler who smells like baby shampoo with overtones of mashed arrowroot cookie? Even the little kid sweat, dirt and sunshine smell of kindergartners is pleasant in a way. Except one day all of the good smells go away and you’re left with a teenager covered in pimples who smells like a strange mix of ass, BO and greasy hair, with stinky cheese undertones and in the case of boys – an entire can of Axe body spray.

2. Speaking of Ass… Your toddler running around the house naked and seeing the occasional flash of toddler butt is kind of cute. Your teen dropping trou and flashing his hairy ass, is not. My teens find it intensely funny to moon me… only I’m having a hard time seeing the humor. What I am seeing is hairy ass and if they drop ‘em too far – dangly bits. I could have gone my entire life without seeing that and never once have felt like I missed out on a life experience.

3. Gas Attacks. Let’s face it, when your toddler says “Mommy, I tooted!” it’s at least a tiny bit charming. If you have a clever one, and they point the finger at you when someone asks them “who tooted?” you will all have a laugh over it.

Now imagine you are sitting at the computer screwing around on the internet and a hand flies into your field of vision as it is opening. You have a “WTF are you doing!”  mom moment and open your mouth to holler, because now you’ve lost your high score on Bejewelled Blitz. Except right when you open your mouth the stench of fart hits you and all you can do is cough and gag.

That’s right; teenagers have the ability to catch their farts in their hand and throw it in your face. If they get bored of tormenting their siblings with this trick, your status as The Mom does not grant you immunity.

4. Snot Happens. Really, it is kind of gross when a toddler with a cold has green pussy snot running down their face. It’s even grosser if they try to lick that shit up, but teenagers can still trump a toddler any day.

Both of my boys have worked in greenhouses over the summer. Greenhouses are kind of dusty with all of the soil, so what do they do when they get home? They shower, of course, which is cool. What isn’t cool is them blowing their nose on the shower walls and leaving the dirty boogers there to dry out. The water is right there, what is so damn hard about rinsing your effing snot down the drain? You thought getting dried crusty snot out of a baby’s hair was hard? Try scrubbing it off of your grout someday. You’ll need a putty knife to scrape that shit off.

5. Bathroom Woes. When my guys were little, I would stick them in the bathtub and while they splashed around I could scrub the toilet and sink. Once they were done and tucked into bed, I’d get the tub before my shower.

These days you need a hazmat suit to enter my bathroom. Boogers on the shower wall dims in comparison to the fact that my son still hasn’t figured out how to flush the effing toilet. He claims there’s never anything to eat here. I call bullshit because I’ve seen the proof – he’s finding plenty to eat. Aim is still an issue and I really wonder why we teach boys to pee standing up.

The sink is always full of toothpaste gobs. Sometimes one of them will hork in the sink and not rinse it out – even though the water is right there! My bathroom vanity is constantly littered with twists of toilet paper that they use to blot up their zits, used cotton swabs and gobs of toothpaste. I never lean against the counter unless there is a towel over the edge. More than once I’ve gone to work with a gigantic smear of toothpaste ground into my shirt. So no, you don’t get to wear clean shirts once the baby years are done. It’s just different stains. On the plus side the minty aroma of toothpaste does smell better than baby puke.

So as you’re cleaning up that diaper blow-out console yourself with how cute your baby is… because there isn’t a damn thing that’s cute about teenagers.


  1. 1

    Sam says

    I would repost your stuff if you posted a non swearing version. You make fun points, so please consider it!

      • 3

        Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense says

        Well… her blog *IS* called “My Half-Assed Life.” I mean… come ON. hehe

      • 5

        Vanessa says

        Thank you. I’ve considered removing profanity. I will even do it for special link-ups. The thing is – my entire tone is sarcasm and snark. Removing the profanity would likely not make my blog any more palatable to those who object to profanity.

          • 8

            Kellsbells says

            Absolutely love this; like a great work of art, the profanity only adds to the brilliance! Would you ask Michaelangelo to cover the naughty bits? Hells no! My son is so resembling no 1 these days it is not funny…or maybe it is!

  2. 9

    Sarah says

    Every single one of these things happens in my house. Every single one. It’s like I’m the only girl living in a frat house. Which leads me to wonder who cleans the frat houses, and why doesn’t that count for sainthood?

      • 11

        grownandflown says

        Trust us on this – most college bathrooms, dormrooms, and, for course, frat houses are toxic messes. I’ll take a blow out diaper over using the bathroom where college kids do.

    • 12

      Vanessa says

      It’s exactly like a frat house, except they don’t take their laundry elsewhere on weekends and holidays.

    • 13

      Janice says

      This used to happen when I lived in my parents house. I am the older and lived all those things that Vanessa said. And Sarah, I was the one cleaning my personal frat house.

  3. 14

    Shannon says

    She hit the nail on the head with #5!! My step sons are just getting into the teenager years, one is 13 and the other is 14. So I assume I will get to have the lovely experiences of #1-4 soon enough. As for now though, I am stuck dealing with every single thing she said in #5. UGH boys are so gross!

    • 15

      Vanessa says

      If I ever manage to get into a 2 bathroom house – MY bathroom will have a deadbolt so only I can use it.

  4. 18

    @TerriblyLovely says

    Absolutely love it! My son is 7 and I’m sensing the beginning of the end. It frightens the hell out of me. One thing you left off: teaching them that tugging on their little wanker is best left behind closed doors. I’m learning from friends who are mothers of teen boys that this lesson should further include “in the shower with the water running”, though you’ve made clear that the fact of available running water is of no importance. God help us all.

    • 19

      Vanessa says

      I also forgot to mention that there comes a point where you should definitely pause between knocking and barging in to their bedrooms.

    • 21

      Vanessa says

      They don’t actually fart on me – they just kind of throw it at me. Like throwing your voice, only smellier.

  5. 22

    Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog says

    OMG people can cup their farts. Did we all know about this and how can we use this to our advantage? I’m twisting my handlebar mustache as I write. Is it weird that I have a handlebar mustache? Great piece. I’m enjoying as much kids snot and toots as I can clearly those days are numbered.

    • 23

      Vanessa says

      And now you know it before they know it. The trick is to use the knowledge without them figuring out how you did it.

  6. 26

    Brynn says

    Oh crap! I have a 4 year old son and another on the way. I never thought about this. I am going to be the only girl with all boys in the house. Hubby is definitely going to have to spring for a maid!

  7. 28

    Jamie says

    My brother tried to moon my grandma once when he was in those teen years… she returned the favor, and I believe that was the last time he ever mooned anybody.
    My grandma was awesome.

  8. 32

    Shannon says

    I needed this laugh tonight! I have 9 month old twins, who are driving me crazy today! However, they are kinda cute and they do smell like Johnson’s…

  9. 39

    jessica says

    thank good ness i have a girl! but my 25 yr old husband leaves gobs of toothpaste and he misses and also with the toliet thing its like totally nasty!

    • 40

      Judy says

      Girls aren’t immune! My daughter is 13 and is the stinky kid in school. She doesn’t care. Getting her to shower is like UFC fighting. Gross.

    • 43

      Vanessa says

      Axe body spray is evil. Can you imagine being a teacher with 20 or so boys that have sprayed the entire can on themselves?

  10. 44

    Colleen says

    Do not totally despair! Most of these habits disappear as they mature into their 20′s. … OK I can’t lie it’s LENT! I have been blessed with 4 children – 3 of which have the aforementioned dangly parts. They are currently 27, 24, and 15. The oldest two have moved out on paper yet still seem to spend at least 3 nights/week here and I have seen very little progress on improvement except the uncanny ability to blame all faults on the 15yo even when he is not home – must be some toxic gas he is passing. NOW ALL YOU MOTHERS ABOUT TO TOILET TRAIN YOUR BOYS DO NOT LET THEM LEARN TO STAND AND PEE! Save yourselves while you can!! I think the worst is the shower snot and honking up loogies.(PS they can behave in public and in fact one id a prominent attorney, the other a police officer in a major US city.

    • 45

      Vanessa says

      Maybe in their late 20′s?

      Mine behave themselves in public too. They even know how to flush the toilet anywhere else but home.

  11. 47

    Lisa says

    “green pussy snot”

    Yeah…. It took me a minute to read that as PUSS-y… and not the other one and had me wondering who the hell has green snot coming out of their junk. o_O

  12. 51

    minderelly says

    this was grate with 3 boys 17 to 7 i get all stages all at once. the bathroom is a constant war i am completely out numbered. next time we move i WILL have my own bathroom not even guna share it with hubby LOL

    • 52

      Vanessa says

      I suggest one of those deadbolts that you enter a combination in for access. Better yet – one that requires a retina scan.

  13. 53

    Angie Murphy says

    FINALLY a post about teens! And a true post at that! My girls are 12 and 14 and while they’re not quite as gross as boys, they’re pretty close… I can’t get the 14yo to take daily showers to save my life (or brush her teeth regularly)… so we have stinky pits and stinky breath. The 12yo will cozy right up next to me while I’m eating and fart. Nice. Can’t wait ’til they see the benefits of acting like ladies!

    • 54

      Vanessa says

      What is it about brushing their teeth? Thousands of dollars on orthodontics ( a good used cars worth) and he wouldn’t just brush his teeth.

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