Five Ways Teens Are Grosser Babies

1. They Stink. Is there anything sweeter than the smell of baby or a toddler who smells like baby shampoo with overtones of mashed arrowroot cookie? Even the little kid sweat, dirt and sunshine smell of kindergartners is pleasant in a way. Except one day all of the good smells go away and you’re left with a teenager covered in pimples who smells like a strange mix of ass, BO and greasy hair, with stinky cheese undertones and in the case of boys – an entire can of Axe body spray.

2. Speaking of Ass… Your toddler running around the house naked and seeing the occasional flash of toddler butt is kind of cute. Your teen dropping trou and flashing his hairy ass, is not. My teens find it intensely funny to moon me… only I’m having a hard time seeing the humor. What I am seeing is hairy ass and if they drop ’em too far – dangly bits. I could have gone my entire life without seeing that and never once have felt like I missed out on a life experience.

3. Gas Attacks. Let’s face it, when your toddler says “Mommy, I tooted!” it’s at least a tiny bit charming. If you have a clever one, and they point the finger at you when someone asks them “who tooted?” you will all have a laugh over it.

Now imagine you are sitting at the computer screwing around on the internet and a hand flies into your field of vision as it is opening. You have a “WTF are you doing!”  mom moment and open your mouth to holler, because now you’ve lost your high score on Bejewelled Blitz. Except right when you open your mouth the stench of fart hits you and all you can do is cough and gag.

That’s right; teenagers have the ability to catch their farts in their hand and throw it in your face. If they get bored of tormenting their siblings with this trick, your status as The Mom does not grant you immunity.

4. Snot Happens. Really, it is kind of gross when a toddler with a cold has green pussy snot running down their face. It’s even grosser if they try to lick that shit up, but teenagers can still trump a toddler any day.

Both of my boys have worked in greenhouses over the summer. Greenhouses are kind of dusty with all of the soil, so what do they do when they get home? They shower, of course, which is cool. What isn’t cool is them blowing their nose on the shower walls and leaving the dirty boogers there to dry out. The water is right there, what is so damn hard about rinsing your effing snot down the drain? You thought getting dried crusty snot out of a baby’s hair was hard? Try scrubbing it off of your grout someday. You’ll need a putty knife to scrape that shit off.

5. Bathroom Woes. When my guys were little, I would stick them in the bathtub and while they splashed around I could scrub the toilet and sink. Once they were done and tucked into bed, I’d get the tub before my shower.

These days you need a hazmat suit to enter my bathroom. Boogers on the shower wall dims in comparison to the fact that my son still hasn’t figured out how to flush the effing toilet. He claims there’s never anything to eat here. I call bullshit because I’ve seen the proof – he’s finding plenty to eat. Aim is still an issue and I really wonder why we teach boys to pee standing up.

The sink is always full of toothpaste gobs. Sometimes one of them will hork in the sink and not rinse it out – even though the water is right there! My bathroom vanity is constantly littered with twists of toilet paper that they use to blot up their zits, used cotton swabs and gobs of toothpaste. I never lean against the counter unless there is a towel over the edge. More than once I’ve gone to work with a gigantic smear of toothpaste ground into my shirt. So no, you don’t get to wear clean shirts once the baby years are done. It’s just different stains. On the plus side the minty aroma of toothpaste does smell better than baby puke.

So as you’re cleaning up that diaper blow-out console yourself with how cute your baby is… because there isn’t a damn thing that’s cute about teenagers.

About the writer

Vanessa supervises by day, wrangle asshats by night. Some days, it's hard to tell the difference. Find her at My Half Assed Life, on twitter as @myhalfassedlife and on Facebook.


L.A. Say 3 years ago

Teens are….. weird, but at least they are that way for only about 5 years, depending on the teen.

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms 3 years ago

I hear ya. Teenagers are gross. Glad to have found this.


Rebecca 3 years ago

Oh no! I’m so going down this road; recently had a B.O. problem, not with my son but with one of his friends! Ugh!

shindig 3 years ago

Green pussy snot?

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    Trust me – you don’t want that to happen. Ever.

Jaymi 3 years ago

I have a 15 year old daughter and a 14 year old son and they don’t do any of this at all. I’ve never really heard of teens doing this. Oh and not all teens have acne or smell. Very stereotypical hmm.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    You have been blessed. I’ve heard of that happening. To be honest? Neither my brother or I would have dreamed of doing ANY of these things when we were teens.

Bad Word Mama 3 years ago

I have a 3 year old and a 9 year old! I am not looking forward to the teenage years now! OMG!! ICK!! But, I have to tell you that was one funny as post!! Loved it.


    Vanessa 3 years ago

    Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it.

    Trust me – your kids will NEVER do any of this stuff. 😉

MOM.b.a. 3 years ago

Ugh one more reason I want my toddler to stay the age she is now.

At least I’m hoping the fact that she’s a girl will minimize the likelihood of these situations down the road…

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I hope so too! I love my guys, but they can be pretty icky at times.

Jen O. 3 years ago

Let’s be real here. This is 5 ways teenage BOYS are grosser than babies. Ugh. I do not look forward to the teenage years at all.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    The worst part is – it’s only 5. There are benefits to the teenage years.

    Really – there is.

SnapInTime 3 years ago

Two teenage boys here and this made me laugh all the way through on a day I really needed a laugh! I’ve got to say i am now eternally grateful my boys have not discovered the entertainment value in mooning! *But* don’t forget all the grossness of what you find in their rooms if you dare to venture too far. :O

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I could have lived without the mooning part too. Quite happily even.

    When I go into their rooms I try to just hone in on the dirty dishes and laundry I’m there for, and pretend all the rest is a dream. Or nightmare.

The Dose of Reality 3 years ago

I have not laughed so loud in a long time. My son is 12 and already several of these are true…I feel like I have a lot to “look forward” to in the upcoming years!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I’m glad you enjoyed it! I’m guessing at 12 it’s the smell thing isn’t it? They smell REALLY bad.

Meredith 3 years ago

I totally thought that once my now 16yo stepson discovered real girls, the stink would stop, but no such luck. Everything he comes within 50 yards of smells like ass and Axe. Horrendous. I cringe every time he sits on the couch. It also blows my mind that any girl could be interested in this stanktastic creature, yet he has a girlfriend, I can’t figure out what’s wrong with her.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I wonder this exact thing whenever my guys have a girl interested in them. Every. Single. Time.

    Why would you do that to yourself?

Ros 3 years ago

Boys start washing properly when they discover sex with real girls.
I never had the disgusting shower problems with my son when he was a teen, because he never showered! LOL!
But… if I had that problem, what I would do is remove the lock off the door. Announce to them that you have had it with their disgusting ways and that the very next time you go to the bathroom and find something disgusting, you will personally supervise their every visit to the bathroom. If you are pushed into doing that, do it, watch them minutely and make them clean everything as they go along.
And remove privileges – take away their cell phones, their internet access, their tv – anything you can think of that might irk them.
Or send them to military school :-)

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    Sending them to military school is about the only part I would have had the diligence to follow up on. Truthfully, your approach would probably work – IF – you had both parents on the same page. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option for me or my boys.

Mom22Tweens 3 years ago

Teen girls don’t catch farts and throw them. Instead, if they detect the most discreet little piff in the next room: “EWWW!!! OH MIGAWD!! SICK!!! WHY WAS I BORN INTO SUCH A DISGUSTING FAMILY?!?!?!?!”

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    That’s almost the exact response I get from my boys if I fart.

    PS I’m not above waltzing into their rooms to let an SBD and then leave them with it.

blahblahblahmamama 3 years ago

I grew up with 4 brothers. Luckily we had 2 bathrooms so my mom gave them their own-they were never allowed to use our bathroom. I have 2 boys and 1 bathroom. Thinking of making them go outside! Seriously. Like maybe having an outhouse built.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I’ve considered it. Especially when I’ve got to use the toilet and they’ve locked themselves in there until the hot water tank is dry.

Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food 3 years ago

Thank the goddesses my boys have yet to attempt to moon me for shock value. All the rest I have said over and over – at least when they were little they were cute, but now they’re just not so cute anymore! But bless their pimply hearts anyway. It’s kinda fun watching ’em grow up, boogers notwithstanding.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    It’s those days where you look at them and wonder where that handsome young man came from. The one who diligently gets up every day and goes to work – 10 minutes early – and hits the hay in good time the night before.

    The days where your heart is busting out of you because you’re just so damn proud of them.

Mary 3 years ago

Thank God I have girls! My oldest has a messy room and leaves beauty products all over the bathroom.
Unfortunately my eight year old can drop farts that are ten times worse than my husband’s.
I do have a question. Would withholding all video games, car keys, Internet etc. until your sons personally scrape off the shower boogers and wash the floor pee work? They still might do it again but you might at least get out of washing their messes.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    It would probably work – but it would take far more time and persistence than I possess.

courtney 3 years ago

2 girls, then 3 boys. Not looking forward to the teen years for any of them. I am however happy for my girls as they will be in college before their brothers overrun the bathroom.
I am still curious as to how boys manage to pee on the bolts that hold the toilet to the floor? I mean it’s kind of sheilded (is that a word? Oh well its late or early) by the bowl. Any input on that topic is welcome.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I have solved that mystery. They actually pee behind the seat (through that little crevice between the seat and the lid with it’s conveniently placed trough guaranteed to get piss on the bottom of your shirt), and then it drips down onto the bolts.

      the mean mama 3 years ago

      Your detective skillz are supreme! Thanks for sharing that discovery, I will sleep peacefully tonight.

        Vanessa 3 years ago

        They come from dumping as much water as I could back there trying to conquer the pee smell wafting from my bathroom.

MILF Runner 3 years ago

Did that first comment really happen?

This is all perfect. And once you have teenage boys, swearing is no longer gratuitous. It’s a given.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I parent boys. Sometimes my love contains profanity. At 21 and 17, sometimes theirs does too.

Esther 3 years ago

My oldest boy just turned 10 and my second is 7. Hearing that boys stay disgusting, makes me worry! Recently I’ve been making them get on their hands and knees and clean up all of the pee on the floor, wall, sides of the toilet, etc., so they can experience the disgusting stink and grossness that I’ve been putting up with since my oldest was potty training. I also make them clean their sink, because it’s exactly like you’ve described. In the last 6 months, my oldest has ditched PJ’s and sleeps in the nude, so I get the disgusting pleasure to tell him, in the morning, to stop being naked in my living room and put some underwear on. He digs his heels in.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    Bare ass and danglies on the living room sofa is NOT cool. My sympathies.

Carmen 3 years ago

So true! 2 teenage boys in my house and there doesn’t seem to be any end to the stench! This had me laughing. Thank you for posting something about a stage in mommy hood that some people kinda gloss over.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    Gloss over or prefer to spend it in an alcohol induced coma?

Thai 3 years ago

So glad I don’t have boys.
Am I the only jerk who thinks there should be a “than” in there somewhere?

Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense 3 years ago

That’s okay, I wasn’t planning on sleeping peacefully tonight anyway.

(I have a 6-year-old boy)

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    My brother wasn’t at all like this – there is hope.

Ariana 3 years ago

3 boys, 21,21, and 17…and all their friends, at my house, all the time. They are gross. They smell like boy. But…as far as I know, none of them knows how to catch and throw a fart. Yet.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    On the weekends the Polish Guy (my boyfriend) and I have all of his plus my youngest, and all of their friends? You should here him complain about the smell of his house!

Suzanne 3 years ago

Um… three teenagers in my house. Completely accurate. Including the boogers. Now imagine it with teenage DAUGHTERS and the associated menstrual and makeup drama.

I swear, the day they move out, I am having a crime scene cleaning crew come in and just…nuke.. the filth!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    All I have to do is walk next door to my friend’s house and I get to see it live and close up. She’s got the girls, and the husband who is almost as bad as my boys!

Wendy 3 years ago

SO TRUE< LOVE THIS!! I run a daycare and my own kids are teens. Parents of little ones think it's so hard. I just laugh to myself. You didn't mention the attitudes and tantrums at the teen level. Teens are toddlers on crack -I say it all the time. There is NO cute factor, it's SO long gone…LOL!! They are lucky I love em!!!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    The tantrums can be epic. And that’s just my own!

Debbie 3 years ago

Think twice before you teach them to sit down and pee, if they don’t aim it right they pee through the toilet and seat and it ends up on the floor or rug.

Great post and yes, enjoy those little ones. One daughter of mine, her room was such a mess that I always wonder how she go out of it alive.
Thanks Vanessa.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    When the youngest was still using one of those toddler rings? He used to get his bangs. Every time. Then he would pull a washcloth out of the cupboard, dry off – and put it back in the cupboard.

Emily 3 years ago

Yup, you nailed them here. I’ve got THREE boys, two of whom are teens and I’ve got the boogers on the walls, the crap in the toilet, the B.O., etc. They are definitely grosser than babies…I’m scared once they start driving because their gross-ness will extend into the car. We’ll need it fumigated once a week I’m sure!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I haven’t yet had to share a car with one of them – the oldest had his own bought and ready to go as soon as he was legal. The beauty of having only one parental vehicle in the driveway – sometimes it works in my favor.

SecretLife 3 years ago

Oh…my…gawd! So frikin true! My ds18 is so gross that his little brother doesn’t even want to share a bathroom with him! Luckily we have 3, so he doesn’t have to & DS18 cleans his own bathroom every week! Not up to my standards ofcourse, but better than nothing! Oh & mine doesn’t ever want to use a cup, plate or utensils! He drinks out of the water dispenser, eats out of his hands & leaves sticky smudges on everything!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    My oldest considers my 4 cup measuring cup to be perfect drinking glass size. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the week long camp out in his bedroom piled under a week’s worth of dirty towels.

Loretta 3 years ago

*sigh* I have four boys currently aged 12, 13, 14, and 15 (turns 16 in exactly one month -IMscared-) so I more than agree with all of the above accounts. Boys are just plain extra super gross.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    Some kids will see all the crap their sibling got yelled at for doing and actually NOT do those things. There is hope for 12 & 13, maybe even 14. Crossing my fingers for you.

Angie Murphy 3 years ago

FINALLY a post about teens! And a true post at that! My girls are 12 and 14 and while they’re not quite as gross as boys, they’re pretty close… I can’t get the 14yo to take daily showers to save my life (or brush her teeth regularly)… so we have stinky pits and stinky breath. The 12yo will cozy right up next to me while I’m eating and fart. Nice. Can’t wait ’til they see the benefits of acting like ladies!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    What is it about brushing their teeth? Thousands of dollars on orthodontics ( a good used cars worth) and he wouldn’t just brush his teeth.

minderelly 3 years ago

this was grate with 3 boys 17 to 7 i get all stages all at once. the bathroom is a constant war i am completely out numbered. next time we move i WILL have my own bathroom not even guna share it with hubby LOL

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I suggest one of those deadbolts that you enter a combination in for access. Better yet – one that requires a retina scan.

Lisa 3 years ago

“green pussy snot”

Yeah…. It took me a minute to read that as PUSS-y… and not the other one and had me wondering who the hell has green snot coming out of their junk. o_O

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    Whoops, I should have left that off at green snot – the other would be terrible!

      Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense 3 years ago

      Uh… *guilty* … I was all, “SNORT! She said ‘pussy!'”

      Speaking of frat boys…


        Vanessa 3 years ago

        I laughed at the comments on it!

cemoma 3 years ago

Oh wow…So funny, except number 4…that one is tough to read correctly. LMBO!

Colleen 3 years ago

Do not totally despair! Most of these habits disappear as they mature into their 20’s. … OK I can’t lie it’s LENT! I have been blessed with 4 children – 3 of which have the aforementioned dangly parts. They are currently 27, 24, and 15. The oldest two have moved out on paper yet still seem to spend at least 3 nights/week here and I have seen very little progress on improvement except the uncanny ability to blame all faults on the 15yo even when he is not home – must be some toxic gas he is passing. NOW ALL YOU MOTHERS ABOUT TO TOILET TRAIN YOUR BOYS DO NOT LET THEM LEARN TO STAND AND PEE! Save yourselves while you can!! I think the worst is the shower snot and honking up loogies.(PS they can behave in public and in fact one id a prominent attorney, the other a police officer in a major US city.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    Maybe in their late 20’s?

    Mine behave themselves in public too. They even know how to flush the toilet anywhere else but home.

sandy 3 years ago

We go through Axe body spray like we go through milk. Often. Laughing so hard, so true!!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    Axe body spray is evil. Can you imagine being a teacher with 20 or so boys that have sprayed the entire can on themselves?

jessica 3 years ago

thank good ness i have a girl! but my 25 yr old husband leaves gobs of toothpaste and he misses and also with the toliet thing its like totally nasty!

    Judy 3 years ago

    Girls aren’t immune! My daughter is 13 and is the stinky kid in school. She doesn’t care. Getting her to shower is like UFC fighting. Gross.

      Vanessa 3 years ago

      There will come a day where you can’t get her out of there.

Peyton Price 3 years ago

Why does his bedroom
smell just like a hamster cage?
We don’t have hamsters!

    Mary 3 years ago

    Omg, I couldn’t stop laughing at this one!

      Vanessa 3 years ago

      I always found it more reminiscent of Ferret.

kat 3 years ago

OMG, I just laughed myself to tears! I have a 14 yr old boy so I hear ya sister!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    They are just so much damn fun aren’t they?

Shannon 3 years ago

I needed this laugh tonight! I have 9 month old twins, who are driving me crazy today! However, they are kinda cute and they do smell like Johnson’s…

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I love the smell of Johnson’s – with or without the mashed arrowroot cookie.

Jamie 3 years ago

My brother tried to moon my grandma once when he was in those teen years… she returned the favor, and I believe that was the last time he ever mooned anybody.
My grandma was awesome.

    jessica 3 years ago

    omg thats funny!

      Exhaustomom 3 years ago

      That story is better than the entire post.hahahaha!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    Your Grandma rocks!

Brynn 3 years ago

Oh crap! I have a 4 year old son and another on the way. I never thought about this. I am going to be the only girl with all boys in the house. Hubby is definitely going to have to spring for a maid!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I wish I had one of those, and a second bathroom.

Valorie Fitzpatrick 3 years ago

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! I thought they would grow out of it as they got older!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    They grow out of some things, and grow into others!

Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog 3 years ago

OMG people can cup their farts. Did we all know about this and how can we use this to our advantage? I’m twisting my handlebar mustache as I write. Is it weird that I have a handlebar mustache? Great piece. I’m enjoying as much kids snot and toots as I can clearly those days are numbered.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    And now you know it before they know it. The trick is to use the knowledge without them figuring out how you did it.

Denise 3 years ago

Well, at least my 14 yr old doesn’t fart on me….

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    They don’t actually fart on me – they just kind of throw it at me. Like throwing your voice, only smellier.

@TerriblyLovely 3 years ago

Absolutely love it! My son is 7 and I’m sensing the beginning of the end. It frightens the hell out of me. One thing you left off: teaching them that tugging on their little wanker is best left behind closed doors. I’m learning from friends who are mothers of teen boys that this lesson should further include “in the shower with the water running”, though you’ve made clear that the fact of available running water is of no importance. God help us all.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    I also forgot to mention that there comes a point where you should definitely pause between knocking and barging in to their bedrooms.

Heather 3 years ago

I have a 16 yo. son ‘ nuff said

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    My condolences.

Shannon 3 years ago

She hit the nail on the head with #5!! My step sons are just getting into the teenager years, one is 13 and the other is 14. So I assume I will get to have the lovely experiences of #1-4 soon enough. As for now though, I am stuck dealing with every single thing she said in #5. UGH boys are so gross!

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    If I ever manage to get into a 2 bathroom house – MY bathroom will have a deadbolt so only I can use it.

Sarah 3 years ago

Every single one of these things happens in my house. Every single one. It’s like I’m the only girl living in a frat house. Which leads me to wonder who cleans the frat houses, and why doesn’t that count for sainthood?

    Mom22Tweens 3 years ago

    I can answer that after having visited my brother’s frat house — no one.

      grownandflown 3 years ago

      Trust us on this – most college bathrooms, dormrooms, and, for course, frat houses are toxic messes. I’ll take a blow out diaper over using the bathroom where college kids do.

    Vanessa 3 years ago

    It’s exactly like a frat house, except they don’t take their laundry elsewhere on weekends and holidays.

    Janice 3 years ago

    This used to happen when I lived in my parents house. I am the older and lived all those things that Vanessa said. And Sarah, I was the one cleaning my personal frat house.

Sam 3 years ago

I would repost your stuff if you posted a non swearing version. You make fun points, so please consider it!

    share 3 years ago

    Grow Up!

      Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense 3 years ago

      Well… her blog *IS* called “My Half-Assed Life.” I mean… come ON. hehe

    Don’t Chew On The Dinner Table! 3 years ago

    She is perfect the way she is!

      Vanessa 3 years ago

      Thank you. I’ve considered removing profanity. I will even do it for special link-ups. The thing is – my entire tone is sarcasm and snark. Removing the profanity would likely not make my blog any more palatable to those who object to profanity.

      Bad Word Mama 3 years ago

      I agree.. love her just the way she is!!

        Vanessa 3 years ago

        Thank you!

          Kellsbells 3 years ago

          Absolutely love this; like a great work of art, the profanity only adds to the brilliance! Would you ask Michaelangelo to cover the naughty bits? Hells no! My son is so resembling no 1 these days it is not funny…or maybe it is!


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