The Victoria’s Secret Swim Catalog Buying Guide

Get ready all you moms out there: The Victoria’s Secret 2014 Swim Catalog has arrived. Actually, it has arrived several times; how many of these do we really need? Reminding me once a year that I’m two chin hairs and a thigh dimple away from being a troll is quite enough.

Dear Victoria’s Secret: You have sufficiently put me in my place. You can cease with the psychological warfare. Oh but wait, I get a free tote with my order! I guess when you only get one square of fabric to cover your ass crack, they want you to feel like you’re getting your money’s worth.

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For starters, this is the shit I keep pulling out of the mailbox.  Hello ass cheeks.  Why yes, I had a good day at work thankyouverymuch.  I start looking through this magazine and I just keep wondering why I get this in the mail.  I can’t wear this shit.  I don’t even know anyone who can wear this shit…or WOULD wear this shit even if they had an ass like that.  If you are showing your ass crack at the beach, what’s the point in wearing a t-shirt? Do you get two totes with this one?


And then there’s this, which I find disturbing. She is wearing what looks like a toddler bikini top and is demanding a sucker or will throw an embarrassing tantrum. But then where are her bottoms? Oh, there they are. My bad.


And this one is just stupid. Yes, I’d like for my chest to look like a xylophone ALL SUMMER LONG. Hello other moms at the Y. Yes, I’m desperately holding on to my 20’s.


You’d best be mowing it close if you’re going to wear this one. But she’s probably not old enough to have pubic hair, though, so no worries. Someone once told me the way a guy can tell if a girl is old enough for him to look at is if she has “ass fold”. This is the fold between the ass and back leg. I’m not a betting woman (well, unless I’m drinking), but I’m going to put a $20 on ZERO ass fold.

Barbara Palvin Doutzen Kroes and Miranda Kerr in bikinis for Victorias Secret 2013 -03-640x862

In case you just must have a VS swim suit, but prefer to keep your crack to yourself, here’s your other style option. There’s apparently no middle ground at VS. You’re either showing everything you have or channeling your great grandmother’s swim diaper. Seriously, this looks like a DIAPER. I guess if you aren’t 85 lbs. then you might as well just be a whole 120!


They forgot to rinse this one off. And wake her up.


If you’re chasing children at the beach, I suppose an ass crack bikini isn’t that bad. At least it’s convenient since chasing kids usually ends up in a wedgie anyway. No more pulling your bottoms out of your crack, mom friends. You can just leave it up in there. Fashion forward, bitches.

If you’re considering purchasing one of these bikinis, then I’m going to give you some suggestions for standing in public. Apparently, this is what you need to do. DO. NOT. MOVE. Or whatever isn’t already out is probably going to fall out.

Standing positions available to you:




Hope you found your swimsuit for this summer, and glad I could help. If I ruined your day, look at this way: At least YOU get to eat. These girls are starving for the betterment of humanity and the empowerment of women everywhere. Snort.

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<insert pizza for dinner here>

<insert third glass of wine here>

Opening trash, putting this stupid catalog in there with the rest of the rotten shit, and moving on.

Happy summer!

{All images from}

About the writer

Mandy is a famous astronaut turned writer. Just kidding, but she has been writing embarrassing poems about boys and zits since she was 12 years old. This Kentucky mom is married with two boys, and is originally from Catlettsburg, which could possibly be where 80’s hair originated. Her kids already understand how to place a trifecta at the horse track, and all her extended family gatherings feature fireworks and beer.  She has a graduate degree in International Relations from the University of Kentucky, but has never international-related a day in her life. You can find her at Words by the glass.


Mallory 6 months ago

Victoria’s Secret isn’t for everyone. Just as Lane Bryant isnt for everyone. No need for the hatred. If I happen to post something that made fun of larger women in full coverage swimwear, I would be crucified. Just saying. Not cool.

Emma 8 months ago

think twice about telling these girls ” to eat a hamburger ” they work hard for their bodies. I follow a lot of them and they have their fair share of pizza, cake and partying. They work out because basically its their job. yes these girls are skinny but they are healthy skinny. if skinny girl can’t tell an over weight person to work out then an over weight person can’t tell a skinny girl to eat some food.

brianna 10 months ago

Shut the fuck up oh my god. Just because you don’t like the product and the size of the girls who wear them does NOT give you a right to skinny-shame. You sound like a bratty teenager going on a rampage about how much your life sucks because you’re fat. Don’t take your insecurities out on others, there are also girls who cannot help their thin build. And these swimsuits are very tasteful for those women.
You are an arrogant, angry woman who needs to mature a little bit more before you write another article. Your opinions just come off as rude, uncalled for, and absolutely bitchy.
Keep to your grandma-patterened one pieces and I’ll keep to my VS swimsuits. That way, everyone is happy because they’re doing what they want but not shamelessly bashing each other for it.

concernedcitizen 10 months ago

You don’t hate VS or their swimsuits. You hate the girls you wish you (maybe still) looked like. Sorry, but there are still a lot of young, lithe bodies out there who need swimsuits. You don’t have to buy yours at VS. But get over the fact that you don’t look like you used to. You can still be beautiful in your own bodies. If you ditch these hateful, jealous, bitch-ass attitudes… I have, for a while, contended that middle class 30-something moms are some of the most unhappy people on earth. I see it all around me. Bitter, unfulfilled, jealous, and hateful people. They hide it under the guise of having the perfect little “family they always wanted”. Maybe even though both kids were an accident and they secretly loathe that minivan, the YMCA, and all their “friends”. If she still had the ass she had when she was 22, she would still be skating around town, taking advantage of thirsty dudes willing to gamble on the warts she might pass their way, but now she can’t. Now she is the perfect mommy, looking down her nose at the twenty something’s still in the game pulling off her old tricks… America, 2015.
Stop subjecting the people around you to your unhappiness and just live your life the best you can.

    brianna 10 months ago

    I love you I love you I love you

Michaela 10 months ago

It makes me so sad to see all these mothers commenting and shaming these ladies for how slender they are. I myself am a tiny woman with a flat stomach. I do not starve myself, and neither do these models. I have always been this way. However we do take care of ourselves by working out and eating the right things, and we even eat pizza, shocker I know.

If I were to see my mother posting this and judging women like this, I would be very very upset.

    brianna 10 months ago

    Author should read this. Does she actually want her children to grow up with the idea that all women should look a certain way? Skinny or not, let them be happy in their own skin and don’t judge them for it.

Jeni Marx 11 months ago

This has got to be the best blog I’ve ever read! Well done!

Sidney 11 months ago

I find this super offensive. I am a woman who works out and eats healthy and that allows me to feel confident to wear bikinis like this. Just because a woman is fit does not mean she is starving herself. Most of these models are very healthy and active and that is why they are thin. Women of all shapes and sizes are beautiful and should be lifted up. No one should be put down or feel less about themselves because they aren’t thin enough or because they are too thin. Women should empower and embrace each other, not knock each other down.

Jason Green 11 months ago

This is dumb, nobody told your fat ass to have kids and ruin your body. Work out and work hard and stop bitching about women that work hard for their bodies and look better than you and move on with your life. Geez

Vicky Carnevale 11 months ago


Mell113 11 months ago

I have 2 of these offending baithing suits. This site just seems so judge mental and aimed at scaring the shit out of you. Well done…. :-/

Toni Barroqueiro 11 months ago


Natalee Dagny Nassar 11 months ago

I miss wearing VS. Not because it doesn’t fit my body but because it supports apartheid. All lives matter. Maybe when they move their manufacturing out of the West Bank I’ll wear it again.

Eden Boehler 11 months ago

LMAO, fashion forward, bitches!

Sarah Jane Sheehan 11 months ago

Hahaha very true well written

Kelly McCully Chesnut 11 months ago

This is all very funny. I worked at VS and know that they sell – through the catalog- bathing suits that have been worn/return ed & tried on-used to get complaints about “stains”! Cheap crapola!

Penny 11 months ago

Well…I am in my 30s, and athletic/slender, have a big booty, and wear tiny bikini bottoms. Feels like this whole article is super judgmental. Shouldn’t we promote women loving their bodies no matter what size (big or small)? I have a sense of humor about it all, but the last thing I would want to promote is being nasty toward other women, especially based on how they look. :)

Richard 11 months ago

You really make a point. So, you’re too lazy to work out and you have no self control when it comes to eating. Great. We don’t want to see you at the beach to begin with.

Barb Croteau 11 months ago

The comments are actually more hilarious than the buying guide! Some people are just downright angry! Maybe because their thong is too tight!!!

Chandra H. Dalmia 11 months ago

Amen to the normal mommies everywhere!!!

Angela Baugh 11 months ago

Disempowering women since ……

Jen 11 months ago

jeez you, as well as your commenters sound a little bitter and self-loathing. If you chose to have kids, and chose not to work out and lose the baby weight that you’ve been holding onto for a little longer than you’d like, that is your problem.. Articles like this, and the crowd bashing that follows, is just sad.

These girls may not have the “ideal body” but does that mean you do?

Brigette Woodard Fritz 11 months ago

Love this.

Jennifer Tick Sanders 11 months ago

Hilarious. …it’s called photoshop and vs most Definitely uses it too.

Erin Welch 11 months ago

I don’t agree with this post. Women are beautiful! Fat ones, skinny ones, dark ones, pale ones, you name it. There is nothing more beautiful than what our bodies were built to do. So what if you have a mole on your butt… hold your head up high! Women need to stop putting other women down and start loving and supporting each other… no matter the body type! Sending love to all my sisters! To include the transgender sisters! Xoxox

Melissa Segura Mary Kay 11 months ago

Wow. Haterrrrrrrr lol

Michelle Baker 11 months ago

Please this is funny as hell. And for those of you pissy cause you love vs, get real you couldn’t look that good with plastic surgery and anorexia, no one looks as good as the high priced models…keep dreaming.

Eric H Anderson 11 months ago

Is it ok if I just looked at the pics? ….I think I still got it.

Kaitlin Tart 11 months ago

The way I see this is if you can look good in a VS bikini, I’m happy for you. I, personally, had a c section for a 9.5lb baby a month ago, and am still not allowed to even walk too much because my incision keeps opening a little. I’m probably a good two months away from even being allowed to ease back into fitness. For now, it’s dieting, and giving up swimsuit season until 2016 lol

Rita Templeton 11 months ago

I love this one so much!

Sarah Hogan 11 months ago

Wear what makes you feel sexy….be stylish. What us wrong with that? If the suit fits 😉

Melissa Racine 11 months ago

Almost died laughing! What is number 1????

Michelle Maddalla 11 months ago


Amber Bardis 11 months ago

Omg, ridiculous. I was laughing so hard!

Lisa Katz 11 months ago

Absolutely hilarious!!! Thanks for the laugh!!

Georgia DiBattista 11 months ago

Lmao! Love it!


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