2014-THANKSgiving

The Victoria’s Secret Swim Catalog Buying Guide

189 Comments

Get ready all you moms out there: The Victoria’s Secret 2014 Swim Catalog has arrived. Actually, it has arrived several times; how many of these do we really need? Reminding me once a year that I’m two chin hairs and a thigh dimple away from being a troll is quite enough.

Dear Victoria’s Secret: You have sufficiently put me in my place. You can cease with the psychological warfare. Oh but wait, I get a free tote with my order! I guess when you only get one square of fabric to cover your ass crack, they want you to feel like you’re getting your money’s worth.

For starters, this is the shit I keep pulling out of the mailbox.  Hello ass cheeks.  Why yes, I had a good day at work thankyouverymuch.  I start looking through this magazine and I just keep wondering why I get this in the mail.  I can’t wear this shit.  I don’t even know anyone who can wear this shit…or WOULD wear this shit even if they had an ass like that.  If you are showing your ass crack at the beach, what’s the point in wearing a t-shirt? Do you get two totes with this one?

Candice-Swanepoel-pour-Victoria-s-Secret_portrait_w858

And then there’s this, which I find disturbing. She is wearing what looks like a toddler bikini top and is demanding a sucker or will throw an embarrassing tantrum. But then where are her bottoms? Oh, there they are. My bad.

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And this one is just stupid. Yes, I’d like for my chest to look like a xylophone ALL SUMMER LONG. Hello other moms at the Y. Yes, I’m desperately holding on to my 20’s.

600full-candice-swanepoel

You’d best be mowing it close if you’re going to wear this one. But she’s probably not old enough to have pubic hair, though, so no worries. Someone once told me the way a guy can tell if a girl is old enough for him to look at is if she has “ass fold”. This is the fold between the ass and back leg. I’m not a betting woman (well, unless I’m drinking), but I’m going to put a $20 on ZERO ass fold.

Barbara Palvin Doutzen Kroes and Miranda Kerr in bikinis for Victorias Secret 2013 -03-640x862

In case you just must have a VS swim suit, but prefer to keep your crack to yourself, here’s your other style option. There’s apparently no middle ground at VS. You’re either showing everything you have or channeling your great grandmother’s swim diaper. Seriously, this looks like a DIAPER. I guess if you aren’t 85 lbs. then you might as well just be a whole 120!

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They forgot to rinse this one off. And wake her up.

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If you’re chasing children at the beach, I suppose an ass crack bikini isn’t that bad. At least it’s convenient since chasing kids usually ends up in a wedgie anyway. No more pulling your bottoms out of your crack, mom friends. You can just leave it up in there. Fashion forward, bitches.

If you’re considering purchasing one of these bikinis, then I’m going to give you some suggestions for standing in public. Apparently, this is what you need to do. DO. NOT. MOVE. Or whatever isn’t already out is probably going to fall out.

Standing positions available to you:

CamilleRowe-60

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Free-Shipping-high-end-hot-drilling-Push-Up-font-b-Padded-b-font-font-b-Bikini

Hope you found your swimsuit for this summer, and glad I could help. If I ruined your day, look at this way: At least YOU get to eat. These girls are starving for the betterment of humanity and the empowerment of women everywhere. Snort.

<insert pizza for dinner here>

<insert third glass of wine here>

Opening trash, putting this stupid catalog in there with the rest of the rotten shit, and moving on.

Happy summer!

{All images from victoriassecret.com}

Comments

The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 1

    says

    I could not agree more! Just when I was feeling somewhat ok with myself- I’m turning 39 for Pete’s sake, so what if I have some jiggle- I get slapped with my husband’s dream beach date times 50. Oh well…thank goodness for cover ups. And tankinis. And people like you.

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    • 2

      says

      why don’t you all write your own blogs and articles about this stuff instead of getting all tight butted about hers? I have an amazing body after three small children, and I don’t get offended when some woman I don’t know writes an article after flipping through a VS catalog (that she states in the she ordered herself), on a day she ate too many muffins at work. I mean haven’t we all felt a little too fat, too ugly, or too not supermodel like sometimes?? Why are we commenting about this story and bickering about its content, instead of making a difference and not buying the magazines like US, vogue , take your pick their trash. Stop watching the shows that cast the overly skinny women and start making a real difference TOGETHER. Instead of posting unimportant, pointless, blabber, that does nothing but get us further away from what we all would agree……..The image of beauty in this country is pretty fucked up.

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  2. 3

    says

    This is pretty damned funny! Those bathing suits are made for nubile, pre-baby bodies. I’m a half size shy of fitting in their bras again. I probably could now, but I think I’m going to pass. Their tops just don’t hold in all the experience I have.

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    • 4

      Stephanie says

      Never mind pre-baby – how about pre-pubescent! Is it because I’m getting older that these girls, especially the one with no shape, look like they’re twelve? Well, maybe the shapeless one. Yeah, those days are gone forever, if in fact, they ever existed! Talk about skewing a women’s image. Thank you for your blog. Loved it!

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      • 5

        Carla says

        To be fair, these aren’t intended for the “mom bodies” you’re talking about (note the quotes), otherwise it’d feature more mature models. I’d wear maybe one or two of these, but I’m 21, and that where their marketing is to. Seems a few people are taking this article the wrong way. It’s comedy, not some social commentary.

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      • 6

        says

        what is really frightening is i was modeling bikinis & lingerie at 12 in the early 80’s–they do indeed start them that young. But i was a serious tomboy and athlete, none of us looked like herion addicts back then. but there were girls (& their parents) considering taking out the bottom ribs in their teens. fashion is a scary industry all around.

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  3. 7

    Andi jones says

    The woman who needs to be rinsed off: someone feed her! That poor woman is starving. Is this seriously supposed to be an ideal body type? She probably hasn’t had her period in months. Egads. Poor woman.

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    • 8

      Andi jones says

      Also, I’m not trying to disparage this woman. I think it’s really sad that this is what is set up to be an ideal body type for women. Young girls will look to these women as what they should aspire to and it’s dangerous for their health. If that is your natural body type with a healthy diet, great, but for most models, they have to starve themselves to get this thin and that is dangerous and sad.

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      • 9

        Heather says

        That is why we need to work hard to show our girls other body types also. That is her body, whether it is through hard work or genetics, it is what it is. It isn’t media’s job to teach our kids what’s normal and acceptable. It’s their job to sell shit. It’s our job as parents to help our kids wade through the media influence and come out the other side being shrewd consumers and good people.

        Also, remember it isn’t just girls who see this stuff. In fact, I feel like boys seeing it is just as bad because they grow up expecting women to be like this.

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        • 11

          Meika says

          I read through everyones comments and am yet discouraged.
          Heather: You made some valid points but this isn’t “The People vs. Victoria Secret.” This isn’t a matter of siding with or against the author, she’s writing a thought provoking piece. Did it do its job? Did it make you think? If so hasn’t she done what she sought out to do? And as far as your comment about how “we need to show our girls other body types” going on to say that it isn’t the media’s job, but rather their job to sell–are they not doing just that? They are creating a market. Their job is to sell, how do you sell? You create what your market desires. And the easiest way to do that is to be what the market desires.
          By your own admission you’re supporting their drive. Right or wrong, their mission is to make money–and my gosh haven’t they done just that?

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      • 14

        Sara says

        I am 5’6″ and 110 lbs. I realize that the author is just being funny. However, when reading comments about how being thin is unhealthy. I laugh my ass off. Seriously!? You don’t have to be starved to be thin. It’s not unhealthy for young women to want to be fit. If you really want to create a healthy environment for young women negative comments about people any size shouldn’t be said. And hopefully young GIRLS aren’t reading this stuff…. Or wearing it!

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  4. 16

    Libby says

    Photo 6 from the top looks like this girl is in desperate need of the toilet! not exactly a pose that I would do on the beach but have done went in desperate need of the toilet. lol.

    I have a bum that looks like that, i am also very slim, but there is know way i would ever wear swim ware designed like this, and i could wear it but i choose not to. my main reason is when you have paid £30 – £50 for your swim wear I dont want to find £15 -£20 pounds worth stuck up my backside.
    I also find it more sickening than anything else seeing someone butt crack, The showing of the butt crack has never been sexy, a lot of builders have this problem and it is referred to as builders bum, I would be gutted if my neat little butt was referred to as builders bum.

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  5. 18

    E says

    Before everyone gets their VS negligee in a knot, I wouldn’t go defending the health or even legitimacy of these women’s appearances – I’m going to share a little secret with you – they’re using a little thing called “photoshop”!
    Of course the gorgeous and genetically gifted do exist, and no they don’t deserve to be “thin shamed” or whatever. However, it’s a pretty well known fact that magazines like this one use editing to create impossible standards of beauty, and in my opinion that’s nothing worth defending.
    I’d rather eat another bowl of pasta salad and have myself a snort-laugh :)

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  6. 19

    Janet says

    I would say almost all perspectives on this blog are valid. But what I simply cannot understand or prescribe to is the obsession with sex appeal. It’s great to look great – and be happy about it – but if your man is with you because of how you look, isn’t that a slap on the – butt – cheek for him and you? Is it a coincidence that models and actresses routinely have spouses / partners who cheat on them? If a guy is hooked by the way you look, I can guarantee there will always be bait out there that appeals to him more than the one he’s got already. Don’t play the game to start with. It only has losers.

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  7. 20

    Rachel says

    There is about 2 inches of fabric between this and naked pin ups from playboy. Let’s just call it what it is- soft porn for men to ogle at, women to beat themselves up about and let’s stop buying this crap. Eventually Victorias Secret will get the hint right?? (Yeah, as if)

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  8. 25

    Rachel says

    People, you’re over analyzing . There is no deeper meaning here . It is called “funny”. If you want to pick apart the article , make argument over deep broad issues affecting women, share your weight and height , and examine for statistical accuracy or a scientific study then I should think it was be obvious that this is not the place.

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  9. 27

    says

    This is hilarious! I LOVED it. What are these girls thinking when they are getting these pictures taken and more importantly what does the instruction from the photog. sound like? “act like you 4 and you just got a time out”, “stand as if you are trying to eject a suppository from your bum and smile”.

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    • 29

      nicole says

      They are probably thinking “wow, my life rocks! im beautiful, in shape, and getting paid millions of dollars to frolic on an exotic beach”.

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    • 30

      Joyce says

      I loved your comment! I especially loved your comment about wondering what the photographer says to instruct the models on what pose to take. I was already laughing at the article, but then your comments had me go into a full out rolling laugh.

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  10. 31

    Wendi says

    I thought it was some funny shit!! Absolutely nothing to get your panties in a wad about…I’m going to go eat my snickers bar and drink my diet coke now…

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  11. 34

    Karina says

    Wow. Some ladies missed the point of the article. Humor much? Was there any moment during this tongue in cheek article that led you to believe she was serious? With attitudes like that, I’m not sure why you even bothered to read it. Move along ladies, there is plenty of dry material out there to be had.

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  12. 37

    says

    Wow! I’ve never seen anything like that while working and living in Kentucky!
    I’ll bet they did that photo shoot down by the river in Lexington and flew in the sand and bright sunshine.

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  13. 38

    Lynn says

    Just because a girl is skinny does not mean she does not eat or is unhealthy. It also doesn’t mean because they don’t have a “butt line” they are prepubescent. Some people are just “lucky” to have a fast metabolism and if that bothers you it is not their fault. I eat 3 course meals including dessert most evenings and often for lunch. I am skinny, 104 and 5’7″ I am in no way starving myself, in fact I probably eat more than you. It is nasty to belittle someone for any size be it big or small. I agree those swimsuits are terrible but give the models a break. It’s not their fault.

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