The Victoria’s Secret Swim Catalog Buying Guide

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Get ready all you moms out there: The Victoria’s Secret 2014 Swim Catalog has arrived. Actually, it has arrived several times; how many of these do we really need? Reminding me once a year that I’m two chin hairs and a thigh dimple away from being a troll is quite enough.

Dear Victoria’s Secret: You have sufficiently put me in my place. You can cease with the psychological warfare. Oh but wait, I get a free tote with my order! I guess when you only get one square of fabric to cover your ass crack, they want you to feel like you’re getting your money’s worth.

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For starters, this is the shit I keep pulling out of the mailbox.  Hello ass cheeks.  Why yes, I had a good day at work thankyouverymuch.  I start looking through this magazine and I just keep wondering why I get this in the mail.  I can’t wear this shit.  I don’t even know anyone who can wear this shit…or WOULD wear this shit even if they had an ass like that.  If you are showing your ass crack at the beach, what’s the point in wearing a t-shirt? Do you get two totes with this one?

Candice-Swanepoel-pour-Victoria-s-Secret_portrait_w858

And then there’s this, which I find disturbing. She is wearing what looks like a toddler bikini top and is demanding a sucker or will throw an embarrassing tantrum. But then where are her bottoms? Oh, there they are. My bad.

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And this one is just stupid. Yes, I’d like for my chest to look like a xylophone ALL SUMMER LONG. Hello other moms at the Y. Yes, I’m desperately holding on to my 20’s.

600full-candice-swanepoel

You’d best be mowing it close if you’re going to wear this one. But she’s probably not old enough to have pubic hair, though, so no worries. Someone once told me the way a guy can tell if a girl is old enough for him to look at is if she has “ass fold”. This is the fold between the ass and back leg. I’m not a betting woman (well, unless I’m drinking), but I’m going to put a $20 on ZERO ass fold.

Barbara Palvin Doutzen Kroes and Miranda Kerr in bikinis for Victorias Secret 2013 -03-640x862

In case you just must have a VS swim suit, but prefer to keep your crack to yourself, here’s your other style option. There’s apparently no middle ground at VS. You’re either showing everything you have or channeling your great grandmother’s swim diaper. Seriously, this looks like a DIAPER. I guess if you aren’t 85 lbs. then you might as well just be a whole 120!

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They forgot to rinse this one off. And wake her up.

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If you’re chasing children at the beach, I suppose an ass crack bikini isn’t that bad. At least it’s convenient since chasing kids usually ends up in a wedgie anyway. No more pulling your bottoms out of your crack, mom friends. You can just leave it up in there. Fashion forward, bitches.

If you’re considering purchasing one of these bikinis, then I’m going to give you some suggestions for standing in public. Apparently, this is what you need to do. DO. NOT. MOVE. Or whatever isn’t already out is probably going to fall out.

Standing positions available to you:

CamilleRowe-60

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Free-Shipping-high-end-hot-drilling-Push-Up-font-b-Padded-b-font-font-b-Bikini

Hope you found your swimsuit for this summer, and glad I could help. If I ruined your day, look at this way: At least YOU get to eat. These girls are starving for the betterment of humanity and the empowerment of women everywhere. Snort.

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<insert pizza for dinner here>

<insert third glass of wine here>

Opening trash, putting this stupid catalog in there with the rest of the rotten shit, and moving on.

Happy summer!

{All images from victoriassecret.com}

Comments

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  1. says

    I could not agree more! Just when I was feeling somewhat ok with myself- I’m turning 39 for Pete’s sake, so what if I have some jiggle- I get slapped with my husband’s dream beach date times 50. Oh well…thank goodness for cover ups. And tankinis. And people like you.

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    • Nutritionistjkg7 says

      Regardless of how much you weigh, time can take a toll on your body and undergo changes, so obesity/weight aside, one doesn’t always want to wear teeny bits of fabric and look perfect all summer long. Some of us need to tone down and cover up our sexiness so as not to make little girls with unrealistic expectations about life, happiness, and the future feel bad about herself.

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    • sharon says

      why don’t you all write your own blogs and articles about this stuff instead of getting all tight butted about hers? I have an amazing body after three small children, and I don’t get offended when some woman I don’t know writes an article after flipping through a VS catalog (that she states in the she ordered herself), on a day she ate too many muffins at work. I mean haven’t we all felt a little too fat, too ugly, or too not supermodel like sometimes?? Why are we commenting about this story and bickering about its content, instead of making a difference and not buying the magazines like US, vogue , take your pick their trash. Stop watching the shows that cast the overly skinny women and start making a real difference TOGETHER. Instead of posting unimportant, pointless, blabber, that does nothing but get us further away from what we all would agree……..The image of beauty in this country is pretty fucked up.

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    • Jim Hatters says

      You know I would feel sorry for you women and say “it’s not fair” you shouldn’t have to look at the VS models and be reminded what you are not… not even close to looking like. But before I start to shed a tear for you I remember you women are the same ones who drool over half naked men that I will never look like either. So you can’t have it both ways. What it really comes down to is being comfortable with ourselves and knowing it is unrealistic for 98% of us to look like models that we BOTH drool and lust over. Don’t bitch about the VS women when you get all moist and giddy over their male equivalents!!!

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  2. says

    This is pretty damned funny! Those bathing suits are made for nubile, pre-baby bodies. I’m a half size shy of fitting in their bras again. I probably could now, but I think I’m going to pass. Their tops just don’t hold in all the experience I have.

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    • Stephanie says

      Never mind pre-baby – how about pre-pubescent! Is it because I’m getting older that these girls, especially the one with no shape, look like they’re twelve? Well, maybe the shapeless one. Yeah, those days are gone forever, if in fact, they ever existed! Talk about skewing a women’s image. Thank you for your blog. Loved it!

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      • T says

        I agree with you that there needs to be less bashing of small girls, but, the amount of women who are so small and thin like the models is so slim and most women can’t get to this size no matter what they do. I do think they should have various sizes of women to model the suits so that women can know what their own body type would look like in one and all young girls wouldn’t have to strive to be so small when they might not be able to be.

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        • lindsey says

          You do realize this entire article was written tongue-in-cheek and it was supposed to be humorous, right? Who the hell pissed in your Cheerios? Ok, we get it…you’re a perfect, fit, hard-working supermom…now get over yourself!

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        • Al says

          Danielle, I hate to tell you this but every single one of those images is a result of hours and hours of makeup artistry, lighting work, skilled photography and a crap ton of PHOTOSHOP! This is a fact. Sadly even the people that realize this are still subject to the fantasy of achieving the unreal. I say again, these women DO NOT exist in real life! Period.

          There are many tall thin beautiful women who may or may not be working as models for a career but the absolute perfection on display for these adds is a MYTH and yes it DOES damage young womens (and mens) concept of acceptable self image.

          Wake up and take a look behind the curtain,
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PWdW4BruF4

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          • Sue says

            I couldn’t agree more! This article is sarcastically examining America’s image of beauty, which is askew in itself. I am 5’9 and almost back to my original body weight after having two boys, (size 4) but I find VS to be ridiculous. If the the photog and VS want to portray real beauty then they should publish UNTOUCHED pics. These images are so photoshopped and taken with filters! And BTW Haters, they’re selling the SUITS not the girls. Furthermore, I do not know a single human being, kids or no kids, who look like these little 20 yr olds. And if these “poor girls” don’t want to be exposed to criticism then they should put on a sweater and get a college degree. Then no one will “attack” them for being way too hot. As for Super Moms who have tummies you can bounce a quarter off of… You all are like, so totally amazing and I strive to be more like you every day. No one is perfect. Not even the girls in the images. And VS exploits women and shows young girls an unfair and unattainable image that MOST FEMALES cannot attain.

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          • Jessica says

            “Danielle, I hate to tell you this but every single one of those images is a result of hours and hours of makeup artistry, lighting work, skilled photography and a crap ton of PHOTOSHOP! This is a fact. Sadly even the people that realize this are still subject to the fantasy of achieving the unreal. I say again, these women DO NOT exist in real life! Period.”

            This is SO true, and so sad, because I’m sure every one of these girls was drop-dead gorgeous before the touch-ups.

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      • jenn says

        As a retired professional model (13 years with Ford) I will tell you that a few things happen to look like those girls. 1) genetics. Symmetry is a gift from your parents. 2) “lose ten more pounds” always, always, always. I’m a mom of 2 in my 30s with a BMI of 19. When I was modelling, it was 14. You don’t get that by eating. You’re 108 lbs? Are you 5’0″? 3) photo shop. Don’t bash a blogger for writing about unachievable standards. VS is notorious for their abuse of Adobe.

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      • Andrea says

        You realize they don’t actually look like this right? It’s all digital. They could probably make my 210 pound cellulite covered butt and make me look like that too. It’s not jealousy, it’s about promoting the IMPOSSIBLE as the ideal body image. It’s gross.

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        • michelle says

          Wrong, there are a lot of women that look like that. They work out and eat right. My body looks like that. I have a completely flat stomach and I played sports most of my life.

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          • Al says

            Sorry Michelle, you may THINK you look like that but you dont. I challenge you to link an untouched bikini photo of yourself in direct sunlight for us here.

            You dont have perfectly smooth, absolutely flawless skin, with shadows falling at just the right angles and nice glowing sheen in all the right places. Armpit and bikini hair bumps (yes even if you wax) perfectly smoothed out with a beautiful soft pastel colors and shades. You dont have the perfectly sculpted face, with cheekbones and eyebrows painted and photoshopped into the exact aesthetic shape. You dont have the perfectly rounded, silk smooth and precisely lit butt-cheeks without a blemish. You dont have the satin smooth legs (yes, even if you wax) without so much a change in tone, birthmark, vein or blemish, with the shadows precisely painted to enhance their shape and length. And, chances are, your neck is too short, your bellybutton is too low, your upper arm too fat, your knees too wide, your cheekbones aren’t sharp enough, your eyebrows dont arch correctly, and you dont have absolute perfect body symmetry.

            Now, with plenty of makeup, lighting, excellent camera work and a master Photopshop artist…..yes, you might be one of these girls. But in real life your body looks nothing like these fake girls and your living in your own fantasy. So again, I will challenge you, link a completely untouched photo of yourself in direct sunlight in a bikini and we will put it side by side with these fake pictures and see how your body REALLY looks. But, I know you wont do this because you know every word Im saying is a fact.

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      • Carla says

        To be fair, these aren’t intended for the “mom bodies” you’re talking about (note the quotes), otherwise it’d feature more mature models. I’d wear maybe one or two of these, but I’m 21, and that where their marketing is to. Seems a few people are taking this article the wrong way. It’s comedy, not some social commentary.

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      • Jflynn says

        Thank you!! So true. Why can’t women empower other women. Skinny girls often hate their bodies and wish they could have a nice big butt or a pair of boobs for their significant other to grab at, yet we have oversized women trashing us calling us prepubescent, etc. If they don’t like the magazine, don’t read it.

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      • Julie says

        I appreciate your comment. I was thinking the same thing. I have always been, and probably will always be, small. I spend a lot of time working out, mostly because I love it. I watch what I eat to a degree, but I certainly am not starving myself (and indulge in the kind of foods that “skinny” people supposedly don’t eat). I get tired of hearing people bash skinny people. I get tired of constantly decreasing in clothing size, not because I’m getting smaller, but because clothing companies keep making clothes bigger to make people feel better. I’m a 00P these days. I’m not sure where that goes next…

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      • Melissa says

        I agree! I have had 2 kids and though I have struggled to take the weight off from my 2nd, I don’t use motherhood as an excuse to look like a slob. I make sure I look good and workout and stay tan. Once I get myself toned back 100%, I will proudly prance around with my tight ass cheeks for all to see! lol. Women do talk down about hot looking females because they are jealous. I love seeing women like this and also women with curves. We need to lift each other up-NOT knock each other down.

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        • Amy says

          Tanning is one of the leading causes of skin cancer. (The other being genetics.)

          If you work hard to stay tanned, make sure you also schedule regular visits to the dermatologist.

          Better yet, wear a hat and sunscreen and avoid the tanning parlor.

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      • Yuliya says

        Thank you!! Like if you don’t like it, don’t shop there. Everyone has their places, don’t be mad someone is different in a way that seems negative to you.

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      • Melanie says

        Umm, I do believe that many models, including VS models, readily admit to starving themselves and going to unhealthy extremes to look the way they do. Being underweight is no more healthy than being overweight. Perhaps this is your first time reading this blog, but it is meant to be humourous.

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      • Staci says

        Hooray! I’m 44 have two kids, am a size 4 at 5’10” and just bought a bikini from VS! Stop bashing women instead embrace the fact that we are all beautiful and come in all shapes and sizes. The women is this catolog are not real and I have a fat ass, who cares. Life is too short to worry about that. Does your man find you sexy? Do you feel attractive? That is all that matters….

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      • momma bear says

        Ciera. No one feels bad for you that you can’t gain weight. As for the rest of your comments, get some education, some empathy, and then go outside and pet your unicorn.

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      • says

        what is really frightening is i was modeling bikinis & lingerie at 12 in the early 80’s–they do indeed start them that young. But i was a serious tomboy and athlete, none of us looked like herion addicts back then. but there were girls (& their parents) considering taking out the bottom ribs in their teens. fashion is a scary industry all around.

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    • SilverStreak says

      Holy F-ing Ghost! This has nothing to do with “being a mom” or “being healthy.”

      It is a satire…comedy. Do you come to Scary Mommy just to troll? Or do you come here for scientific commentary? This isn’t Fox News or MSNBC…there are tons of posts here every week made with tongue-in-cheek flavor.

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  3. Andi jones says

    The woman who needs to be rinsed off: someone feed her! That poor woman is starving. Is this seriously supposed to be an ideal body type? She probably hasn’t had her period in months. Egads. Poor woman.

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    • Andi jones says

      Also, I’m not trying to disparage this woman. I think it’s really sad that this is what is set up to be an ideal body type for women. Young girls will look to these women as what they should aspire to and it’s dangerous for their health. If that is your natural body type with a healthy diet, great, but for most models, they have to starve themselves to get this thin and that is dangerous and sad.

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      • Heather says

        That is why we need to work hard to show our girls other body types also. That is her body, whether it is through hard work or genetics, it is what it is. It isn’t media’s job to teach our kids what’s normal and acceptable. It’s their job to sell shit. It’s our job as parents to help our kids wade through the media influence and come out the other side being shrewd consumers and good people.

        Also, remember it isn’t just girls who see this stuff. In fact, I feel like boys seeing it is just as bad because they grow up expecting women to be like this.

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        • Meika says

          I read through everyones comments and am yet discouraged.
          Heather: You made some valid points but this isn’t “The People vs. Victoria Secret.” This isn’t a matter of siding with or against the author, she’s writing a thought provoking piece. Did it do its job? Did it make you think? If so hasn’t she done what she sought out to do? And as far as your comment about how “we need to show our girls other body types” going on to say that it isn’t the media’s job, but rather their job to sell–are they not doing just that? They are creating a market. Their job is to sell, how do you sell? You create what your market desires. And the easiest way to do that is to be what the market desires.
          By your own admission you’re supporting their drive. Right or wrong, their mission is to make money–and my gosh haven’t they done just that?

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      • Sara says

        I am 5’6″ and 110 lbs. I realize that the author is just being funny. However, when reading comments about how being thin is unhealthy. I laugh my ass off. Seriously!? You don’t have to be starved to be thin. It’s not unhealthy for young women to want to be fit. If you really want to create a healthy environment for young women negative comments about people any size shouldn’t be said. And hopefully young GIRLS aren’t reading this stuff…. Or wearing it!

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        • Jim Hatters says

          What is even more funny is how over weight people are saying “thin” is unhealthy. Hate to tell you, “plus” sizers but you face a lot more health issues being 30-40 pounds over weight then someone who is 10 pounds under weight. For example, a 5’6″ women @ 120 pounds is much better off health wise then a 5’6″ @ 170-180 pounds, which is probably the size of those of who who are screaming how 5’6″ 120 pounds is so unhealthy thin!!!

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          • Wednesday7377 says

            “then” Jim Hatters. And you sound wicked insecure. Women aren’t looking, or “drooling” as you so inelegantly state, over what I guess you feel is an ‘ideal’ man. It’s a shame it seems you’ll never feel or experience the real love of a confident woman. The jesting idea of the article is that a confident woman can only be a VS Angel. And thank you to the young ladies, one claiming to be 21 years old, who seem to think she has a voice in this discussion. I am not denying her voice or ideas, I am simply asking her and others to temper their ideas of body image if they are not 40+ years old, and have not been sliced open like a holiday ham more than two times. If you qualify for that group? you may make all the fun you can over nubile 12 year olds wearing strings as clothing. This is your wake up call.

            And I’d like to meet Meika

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        • Karlene says

          Sorry Sara, but 5’6″ and 110 lbs is too fat to be a model. They would most certainly make you lose at least 20 lbs! FACT! You would have to be at least 6′ tall to be allowed a weight/size of 110 lbs!! Sad but true!

          Both ends of the weight spectrum can be very dangerous!

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        • says

          I posted a comment but it didn’t show up?

          Well…I am in my 30s, and athletic/slender, have a big booty, and wear tiny bikini bottoms. Feels like this whole article is super judgmental. Shouldn’t we promote women loving their bodies no matter what size (big or small)? I have a sense of humor about it all, but the last thing I would want to promote is being nasty toward other women, especially based on how they look. :)

          Even wrote a blog post about

          http://mamasbeendrinkin.com/2014/12/29/its-all-about-that-judgment/

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    • Mac says

      This “poor woman” that you claim doesn’t eat is married to a chef at a very popular NY restaurant. She’s my cousin and I can attest that she eats quit well. She’s naturally beautiful.

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  4. Libby says

    Photo 6 from the top looks like this girl is in desperate need of the toilet! not exactly a pose that I would do on the beach but have done went in desperate need of the toilet. lol.

    I have a bum that looks like that, i am also very slim, but there is know way i would ever wear swim ware designed like this, and i could wear it but i choose not to. my main reason is when you have paid £30 – £50 for your swim wear I dont want to find £15 -£20 pounds worth stuck up my backside.
    I also find it more sickening than anything else seeing someone butt crack, The showing of the butt crack has never been sexy, a lot of builders have this problem and it is referred to as builders bum, I would be gutted if my neat little butt was referred to as builders bum.

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  5. E says

    Before everyone gets their VS negligee in a knot, I wouldn’t go defending the health or even legitimacy of these women’s appearances – I’m going to share a little secret with you – they’re using a little thing called “photoshop”!
    Of course the gorgeous and genetically gifted do exist, and no they don’t deserve to be “thin shamed” or whatever. However, it’s a pretty well known fact that magazines like this one use editing to create impossible standards of beauty, and in my opinion that’s nothing worth defending.
    I’d rather eat another bowl of pasta salad and have myself a snort-laugh :)

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  6. Janet says

    I would say almost all perspectives on this blog are valid. But what I simply cannot understand or prescribe to is the obsession with sex appeal. It’s great to look great – and be happy about it – but if your man is with you because of how you look, isn’t that a slap on the – butt – cheek for him and you? Is it a coincidence that models and actresses routinely have spouses / partners who cheat on them? If a guy is hooked by the way you look, I can guarantee there will always be bait out there that appeals to him more than the one he’s got already. Don’t play the game to start with. It only has losers.

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  7. Rachel says

    There is about 2 inches of fabric between this and naked pin ups from playboy. Let’s just call it what it is- soft porn for men to ogle at, women to beat themselves up about and let’s stop buying this crap. Eventually Victorias Secret will get the hint right?? (Yeah, as if)

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