I have a secret—something I have never admitted to most of my friends let alone admitted to thousands of judgmental people on the internet, but it’s time to come clean. The weight is too heavy and the love is too deep.
I love The Bachelor. Not Ben H. himself (the current bachelor), I just mean the show itself. I love it, I crave it, and I’m counting down the hours until season 20 premieres Monday, January 4.
A girlfriend got me hooked on this show of filth a few seasons back, and I can’t even remember what my Monday nights consisted of before I became part of “Bachelor Nation.” I shudder at the thought of how meaningless my Monday nights were, post-Bachelor addiction.
I used to talk mad crap about this show, and oh, how times have changed. I never want to go back to Bachelor-less Mondays (unless it’s a break in between seasons—there’s really nothing I can do about that except be angry and impatient while watching Dancing With the Stars).
Most of my mom friends are either currently addicted to The Bachelor or were at some point in their lives, and I know exactly why. Listed below are some of the main reasons that mothers nationwide keep coming back for more every Monday night.
1. The Bachelor is safe drama.
I’ve never been one who likes drama. Drama stresses me out and I hate overthinking things, especially gross emotions. Ew.
However, as a stay-at-home mom, drama that doesn’t involve tiny human poop is very sparse. We don’t have boss drama. We don’t have client drama. We only have baby, toddler and teenager drama. Occasionally, we have husband drama, but that’s never fun and usually over something stupid like how to load the dishwasher correctly. Now while I don’t wish that I had more drama in my life, I’m just saying that I enjoy watching the emotional chaos that is The Bachelor from my recliner, wearing my favorite baggy sweatpants, while drinking wine. It’s my weekly dose of grown-up drama. Plus, I can talk all the smack I want because I am protected by my TV screen.
2. The Bachelor is gambling without money.
When I am watching the first two episodes of The Bachelor, it’s like I am putting together a fantasy football team. I try to predict which ladies actually have a chance, which ladies may be on drugs, and which ladies will be going home first because they are insane, too emotional, or too drunk to fall in love. The best part about this dress-wearing fantasy football league: I won’t lose any money. How fantastic!
You may be thinking, Well, that’s awful of you. No, no. Please remember, these ladies literally signed up for this. These women auditioned to be judged, heartbroken and bet on. Some even quit their jobs and left their children. They wanted this, and they got it. I’m just giving them what they wanted—a cheerleader. A dedicated fan, if you will. I’m here to cry with them when their toned butts get rejected, and I’m here to laugh
at with them when they have a wardrobe malfunction or say something dumb.
Remember: These contestants gain from this experience in the end. They gain a significant amount of Instagram followers and most start a blog. Everyone knows that bloggers are really cool.
3. The Bachelor has a chopping-block ending.
Everyone loves what I call “a chopping-block ending.” Every week, some teary-eyed lady gets sent home empty-handed and we get to watch. Every week, we get to think, well, that’s embarrassing, and continue to go about living our lives even after witnessing a tragic breakup. I mean, we were basically there.
There’s just something special about knowing that someone is toast at the end of this two-hour show. Again, we’re all betting on who that attractive piece of toast will be.
Seems harsh? Remember, they signed up.
4.The Bachelor is a community.
Moms love community. Why do you think there are 1.8 million Facebook mommy groups? They enjoy the camaraderie, and it is very strong within Bachelor Nation. I have three ladies whom I constantly text while watching the show—one being my own mother. I got my mom hooked on what she calls, the smut show, and now it’s so fun to discuss our love predictions as a family.
Witnessing tragic breakups in deserts and watching women cry in limos is what brings this family closer together on Monday nights. Thanks, ladies. Sorry about your emotional agony.
5. The Bachelor leaves all married women feeling thankful.
At the end of every episode, I am beyond mentally drained (unless it was a boring episode, which happened many times throughout the Juan Pablo season). All of my wine has been consumed. My sugary treat is long gone and has already made a new home for itself in one of my ass cheeks. And I am left feeling thankful.
Thankful. Thank God I’m married. Being a contestant on The Bachelor seems exhausting and physically painful. I’m still trying to put on real pants every day, so there is absolutely no chance in hell that I could manage to wear heels, ball gowns, and makeup every day for several months.
I’m thankful that I am married and clothed in cheap activewear. I’m even more thankful that my husband loves this makeup-less face and wouldn’t dare leave me in sand dunes while he flies off in a helicopter.
Bonus: I didn’t even have to showcase an odd talent or dress up as a cupcake to get his attention.
See? It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?
If you don’t watch The Bachelor, you’re truly missing out. I’m not saying that it’s remotely decent television, and it’s definitely not for the entire family’s viewing pleasure, but holy cow, is it entertaining.
If you’re currently lacking a guilty pleasure, The Bachelor could be it. Pour the wine and place your bets. Ben H. is looking for true love in all the places he’s told to look. Because that’s romantic and realistic!
Season 20 premieres Monday night, January 4, at 7 p.m. CT on ABC. So nobody even think about calling me from 7 to 9 p.m.