Motherhood: The Big Fat Fuck You

1,719 Comments

kid-middle-finger

I lost it this morning.  Really lost it.

After the kids were all dressed for school, breakfast eaten, teeth brushed, backpacks packed, I turned on the TV.  I have a rule that the kids can only watch certain channels.  There is so much crap on TV – shows geared towards teens and preteens, shows that showcase kids calling other people “idiot” and “stupid” and generally behaving obnoxiously – and in all seriousness, I have a hard enough time keeping my kids under control without exposing them to those kinds of influences and role models.  So the rule is, Mom sets the channel, and you don’t change it without permission.  Annabelle never, ever, ever sticks to this rule.  The moment I walk out of the room, she’s got the remote in her hand, channel-surfing, looking for some obnoxious show featuring smart-ass teenagers.  It happened this morning.  Within thirty seconds of my turning the TV on to Nick Jr. – really for Finn – Annabelle is changing the channel.  “Leave the TV alone, Annabelle,” I said.  I left the room.  A few minutes later, on my way to the kitchen, I saw her there, remote in hand, channel surfing again.  And I lost it.

Screaming and yelling ensued.  Swearing.  “I’VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES TO LEAVE THE TV ALONE!!” I shouted.  “GO TO YOUR ROOM!  GO SIT IN YOUR ROOM UNTIL IT’S TIME TO LEAVE FOR SCHOOL.  NOW!!!”  She just stood there staring at me, not moving a muscle.  “GO!!”  I yelled.  All the kids froze in their tracks while I chased – literally chased – Annabelle into her room.  She beat me by a half a second and locked the door against me.  Locked the door!  “I’m going to kill her!”  I muttered.  “MOM!  Are you really going to kill Annabelle?  Did you really just say that?!”  Daisy shrieked.  “OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR!”  I yelled.  Annabelle unlocked the door.  “Don’t you ever lock the door against me again!  Do you hear me?!” I yelled at her.

Michael’s trying to calm me.  “Leave me alone!”  I yelled at him.  “I do EVERYTHING for you people – including YOU! – and you all treat me like shit!  Every last one of you!”

I know.  All this over an eight-year old changing the channel on the TV.  But really, of course it’s not just about that.  That was just the straw that broke the camel’s back this morning.  It was my eight-year old changing the channel after I told her not to – again.  It was dealing with Finn tantruming his way through breakfast – again.  It was Joey throwing a dramatic tantrum and copping a major attitude last night when I said no, he could not have an Instagram account (he’s ten, for crying out loud!).  It’s the bickering and tattling all the time.  It’s the “I want, I want, I want” all the time, and the lack of willingness to do much of anything I ask.  Ask somebody to set the table for dinner?  Tell them to clean up their room?  Oh myGOD!  You would think I’m asking them to pull their own fingernails out!  It’s my husband being gone so much of the time and me feeling utterly alone, like I’m dealing with all of this single handedly.

I’m not excusing my losing it this morning.  I’m ashamed.  I wish I held it together better, I really, really do.  And lest I start to sound like my own mother who seemed to believe that her kids were responsible for her happiness/unhappiness but she, the adult, was not responsible for theirs, let me just say that I know kids are kids, they don’t actually mean anything personal by their behavior – I know that, I really do.

Sometimes motherhood just feels like a big, fat Fuck You, though.  This is why people say that motherhood is a hard job.  Not because it’s especially intellectually challenging or physically demanding – I mean it is those things, but there are certainly other pursuits that require for far more intellectual and/or physical output than motherhood.  Not because it requires a great deal of bravery – of course, it does call for that, too, but certainly not as much as being a soldier or a police officer, for instance.  No, it’s not those things.  It’s because it’s so fucking emotionally taxing.  It’s because it’s so incredibly thankless so much of the time.  It’s because I feel like I’ve sacrificed so much of myself for them, and they don’t appreciate it.  It’s because I do and do and do for them, constantly, and it often seems like all I get in return is complaining that it’s not enough – or just outright ignored.  I’m not looking for accolades or awards or fanfare.  I’m not even looking for “thank you.”  It would just be nice to get a little cooperation.  A little respect for the rules – rules which aren’t onerous or unreasonable for crap’s sake!

And, you know, it’s hard to admit these things.  Everyone wants to talk about how great motherhood is, how fulfilling it is.  Sometimes it is.  And often, it’s not.  I’m not even sure why I’m writing about it this morning – opening myself up to criticism and judgment, exposing the flaws in the pretty picture.  I don’t want to feel alone, I guess.

After I got back from dropping the kids off at school this morning, I discovered that Annabelle had left her lunch at home.  Who do you think packed the baby and Finn back into the truck to drive her lunch to school?

Because that’s what moms do.

Related post: To the Unwashed Masses of Mothers

Comments

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  1. 1

    KShaw says

    Uh, yep. This, a thousand times, this. I had a meltdown in the car on the way to drop off the kids at school in which I basically said everything that you did. I lost it in such an epic way, I think I may have finally scared my 10yo son into listening. At least for today.
    Being a mom can suck, so hard. Thank you for making me feel like I am not totally alone.

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    • 2

      Adriane says

      what you said. Yes. A Million Times Yes. Today, last night, and most likely tomorrow. Is it worth it? Yes. Would I trade it? No. But does it feel like a job where everyone plots to constantly THWART me and my very very very best intentions. YES. My god, I’m exhausted.

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      • 3

        SUsan says

        I am in total agreement and have had that exact meltdown. Am I proud of it? NO. Was it necessary? YES I would and will do it again I am sure. I am the mom and someone has to keep the family rolling along down the tracks…..Good for you for being honest…..

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        • 4

          Saddened says

          Emotionally abusing your children, necessary? No. The only way to keep a family rolling? No. We aren’t perfect, but to say its necessary to exercise your power by screaming, yelling, threatening, degrading and exploding at your children is just sad. It’s an absence of better tools that lead us down that path, not because its necessary. Touting it as something you would and will do again……makes me feel just saddened. I hope you are ale to find some different tools that build your children up, rather than hurt them to maintain your power as a parent. Dr. Gordon Neufeld has amazing things to teach……..

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          • 5

            chanda g says

            Because you are perfect and self righteous and delusional. Probably don’t have kids to relate? The list could go on. Just as you mock the honesty by insinuating abuse, I mock thee. Get a grip. Abuse would be if the remorse wasn’t there. Narcissism at its finest. Can’t even see two sides. Everyone has a breaking point and a right to be heard. Even you, but to blame and point fingers isn’t really necessary or relatable. Kids need to see that we are human not robots. It’s called parenting not robot creationism. The person was saying that they are human and had a melt down and to say that it probably will happen again is just honesty. I think when we are honest it actual reduces our stress and allows us to understand better to better. Your way helps mask so that we aren’t judged. We keep quiet and that is where the abuse arises.

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          • 6

            says

            You must be single with no children or an absent parent. Are you a stay at home mom? I didn’t think so. No one was physically abused and if the yelling episodes are few and far between, they are actually effective.

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          • 8

            Saddened says

            Sty at home mom here, full time, times 3 and far from perfect. You seemed to have missed the whole point. My comment was in regard to the momma calling it necessary. That’s not remorseful, that’s seeing it as a parenting tool. That’s sad for me, and for little developing brains. If we look to justify our mistakes, we aren’t looking to change them. We all make mistakes, there is no perfect parenting, it just feels really crappy inside to hear the spin job to call it necessary as a parenting strategy, I believe when we know better, we do better.

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          • 9

            Jennifer says

            Saddened,

            How quick everyone was to jump down your throat and assume you were not a parent for suggesting other options. I did not get the same feel from the author that she was condoning her own behavior but I also did not get the sense of looking for strategies to approach the behaviors leading to the outburst. Repeating the same behavior and expecting different results by definition is insane. Love and Logic is a tool that I have found very helpful as a parent. It helps me to keep calm and to allow my children to take responsibility for their own behavior. Ask my children how many times I have brought lunch or anything else to school when they forget … then ask them how many times they have forgotten. :*) It is not easy developing little people into the awesome adults they will become but it is worth it when they do things that make you proud, even when you are not looking. :) Hang in there Mom’s everywhere!

            http://www.loveandlogic.com/

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          • 10

            Saddened says

            Thanks, I see now I confused everyone lol my response wasn’t to the author of the blog, it was to the comment made by Susan, that’s why I was referencing the statement that blowing up and screaming at children is necessary. If you mind it necessary to emotionally wound someone to gain compliance, I think better tools are needed. Most people think parenting is some how innate. It’s not.

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          • 11

            Lisa says

            Wow…….good for the Author to fess up to being human. Sorry Saddened……..Everybody, no matter how much patience they have eventually reach the breaking point. Why do you think kids raised now a days are such little entitled jerks? Everybody is so afraid of somebodies feel bads getting hurt, parents have become less than ineffectual. Sometimes losing it is an attention getter….just like a swat on my ass as a kid got my attention. I never hit any of my sons…..not that they didn’t deserve a swat now and then but when they pushed me to that point, I needed to distance myself before I lost it on them. Parenting really sucks sometimes. It is mostly a thankless job. Surprisingly, the payoff is watching my own sons with their kids and hearing the same phrases I told them come out of their mouths.

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          • 12

            tracy says

            Saddened, you are a sanctimonious idiot. You are raising a bunch of whiny little brats, and, trust me when I tell you, they are nose-picking, bed-wetting, mama’s boys who will get beaten up on the playground. So, for once, instead of making your ridiculous organic meals, and “talking through” your kids disciplinary problems, give in just once to the real you. Yell at those little sniveling snot-rags, take a moment to grieve that you didn’t avail yourself of the AWESOME drugs they’re willing to give you during childbirth (because you obviously went drug-free), have a glass of wine and, seriously, shut the fuck up.

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          • 13

            Shocked says

            Tracy, Wow, are you serious? Saying things like this behind your computer screen is real brave. Did you read any if the following comments?,are you in her house? Do you know her kids? No need to personally attack someone like that. What kind of kids are you raising if your response was that? To a stranger no less? Responding to me will be fruitless btw, but shame on you for acting like that.

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          • 14

            Kathy says

            Haha Tracy, loved your post, so Right On!! Congratulations to all the Mothers willing to vent and share their experiences. It helps others feel they are not alone and the daily life with children can be a challenge. I wish this was available when I was raising my son, being able to share with others the difficulties and frustrations. My child was HELL on wheels! Spent years in therapy, both him and myself. In conclusion we survived, and he is now very, very successful. Lesson learned was, kids March to their own drummer, they are born with very different personalities, some easy, some difficult. I experienced many a day as the author has, felt terrible afterwards. So, “Saddened”, sounds as if you have EASY. Lucky you! However, how dare you criticize any of these mothers with your goody two shoes CRAP!!! I remember Mothers like you, made me I’ll. “My child would never do that”, or “It’s not my child”. And I’ve also have seen how some of these kids have grown up. Good luck.

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          • 15

            Jenn Borjeson says

            Dear Saddened -I think a big, fat f*** to you is in order, too. I actually burst into tears reading this article because I could relate. I remember all too well feeling this way when my kids were small. And I had breakdowns and I was ashamed at the time but do you know what? My kids are grown now and they are freaking awesome and they love me and I don’t feel a bit guilty. I’m human, for crying out loud. Sending a big hug to the author of this article and all of you who can relate
            Peace. xo

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          • 16

            Terrified says

            If yer children are capable of invoking such temper tantrums from you (the adult) then you need to consider the possibility that you were never mature enough to spawn new life in the first place.

            As the great bestower and giver of life you possess a responsibility much greater than the insecurities and the low self esteem you are now projecting onto the innocence you so selfishly tarnish.

            Good Job on being the adult

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          • 18

            Dana G says

            I am a social worker and I deal with the children’s unit in my county. Is this the best expression of “proper” parenting? No. Is it reality for many women? Yes. We are only human and to expect perfection is very unrealistic. If you have never lost it even once with you child(ren) then kudos to you as you are the exception. The important things are that a.) mommy is real and has emotions that need to be let out occasionally, b.) it is just that – occasionally, not on a daily or weekly basis. and c.) how things are dealt with afterwards. Mommy explains to the children that although the way she handled it was less that perfect, the reality is that you as children need to learn that behaviors such as persistently not listening or not following the rules hurts Mommy’s feelings and Mommy asks for their forgiveness. Then there is a discussion about how to proceed from here.

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          • 19

            Dana G says

            And to further comment, I am also a parent and know all too well the feelings spoken of in the article. Motherhood is a 99% thankless job. Hardest job – yes! Best job – most of the time, yes. Most rewarding job – HE## YES! It’s not the verbal thanks that gets me, it’s the little things like “My whole class agrees that you make the BEST cookies.” Or “You’re the best mommy I have!”

            On my 25th birthday, I sent my mom a bouquet of flowers and said “Thank you for not selling me to the zoo. I get it now! Thank you for everything.” Mom said it was the first time she ever felt like I really was thankful for all the crap she put up with when I was a kid (and I was actually a pretty good kid compared to some of my friends.) I’m just saying that we need to find the appreciation in the little things because the big thank you may never come and be honest with ourselves and at least one other person that we are human and broken.

            I applaud the writer and every other mother who has come forward and said she has been there and understands.

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          • 21

            kylie says

            Wow saddened. You make me sad.

            As an outsider, with no children I’m sure I’m risking complete and utter ridicule by putting forward my comments but I am a daughter and have a mother so guess I still have some right to this discussion

            In the 80s before there was an internet to provide a forum to guilt parents into over analysing their behaviour, these were considered normal and at times ‘necessary’ behaviours. Necessary to maintain sanity, necessary for disciplinary reasons and probably sometimes necessary just to make a point.

            My parents had NORMAL reactions to my behaviours as a child and I grew up perfectly fine, mostly unscathed and now have a job analysing other peoples behaviours (I cant be that mentally and emotionally
            Unbalanced then, right?).

            The problem is that by censoring normal reactions and ‘protecting’ our children from perfectly reasonable reactions to their behaviour They don’t actually get prepared for the real world and we end up with a bunch of gen Ys with zero resilience or ability to cope with the real world.

            This is not only normal, its also OK.

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          • 22

            cj says

            OMG seriously? What a nasty thing to say. She’s being honest, dickhead. You’ve never gotten angry with your children I guess? No one is perfect. Except you of course. I would love to meet you in person someday. I’ve always wanted to meet a human being who has never ever made a mistake.

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    • 23

      Amanda says

      Hallelujah someone finally said how most of the time parenting sucks ass! I have 5 boys and they drive me bat shit crazy but they are and always will be the greatest thing about my life. Good luck to all the mamas out there Cuz you’re going to need it!

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    • 24

      Laurie says

      Yup. Been there, done that. I threw my son’s books on the floor and screamed at him because I didn’t think he was putting enough effort into his homework. Yelled that I was paying for him to go to private school and he would put in some effort or I would pull him out. Then I walked away and both of us were crying. About 5 yrs later after yelling at him I apologized and he told me, “That’s okay mom, when you yell I just tune you out, you don’t need to apologize.” He was about 12. I have rarely yelled since. He will graduate from UCLA next year and then on to law school. And he still loves his mom. So don’t worry. It’s perfectly normal. We all feel such pressure to be perfect and we’re not, we’re human. I told my son once recently that despite telling him as a kid that I had to take a class in being a mom and I had a “Mom Degree” I really just made it up as I went along and hopefully stayed a step ahead of him but that he taught me more about being a parent than he realized. Despite it all, it is the best job I have ever had in my life and I would do it all over again if given the chance. I was a single parent and my parents were both gone so I was alone. It was hard and sometimes I thought I was doing it all wrong but he turned out alright so all is good.

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    • 25

      Rebecca says

      Though I don’t appreciate the profanity, mostly because with it I feel I can’t post your blog for my friends and family to read, I completely feel your frustration and it is SO familiar to me. Yesterday was the last day of school and I was already losing it with my kids only an hour after getting home. I’ve learned that I’m human and if I cross the line they will accept my apology. I’ve also learned that if I DON’T lose it once in awhile, they will never realize that people need appreciation for the parts they play in our lives. It certainly is the toughest job. Hang in there, Mama.
      .

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    • 26

      robin says

      Omg I am there with you! Tell me, have you driven to the school and pulled your kids out of class to see if there are ok because heaven forbid you ruin their whole day because of your screaming at them only to look you in the eye and say “ya mom, I’m fine. Why you here?” ugh…

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    • 27

      Karen says

      As a mother of 4 I certainly understand having breakdowns. But, it seems that this Mom may be enforcing some negative ideals that she is trying to protect her kids from to begin with; particularly the language. My kids range in age from 7 to 17 and never once (even with the 17 year old) have I found it necessary to swear at/to them. I really think that can be contained at all times. Also, most cable and satellite companies make easy to set up parental controls… Just for future reference, so that you can stop that behavior without being in the room. Best of luck to you in the future! It is a thankless job for sure but your pay will come when your kids grow into loving, responsible adults and you will know what a huge role you played in that!

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    • 28

      jennifer D says

      I understand what you’re going through 100%. I am a single mother of 5 children, 5 yr 7 yr, 18yr, 21yr, 23yr. not one of them helps me around the house yes they do have chores and I gotta sit there and pull teeth to get them to do those but whenever I need help with anything they’re always too busy doing this doing that the little ones complain like crazy. my two little ones of fighting all the time hitting, yelling and throwing stuff it’s insane. Motherhood is exhausting.

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    • 29

      Angie says

      I’m glad to say I’ve not lost it with my kids. I’m a full-time mom, go to school full-time (graduate with my MBA in 2 months,) and I work 40-50 hours a week from home (most of the time, sometimes in-office). My husband also has not ever lost it either. We went through medical heck with our son as he was diagnosed with an extremely rare auto-immune disease. He was sick for the first 3.5 years of his life, and now is doing somewhat better with medication. He also has severe autism, possibly associated with some of the other medical issues he experiences.

      When you think you have it bad, try to remember other people have it much worse than you do. That is my motto, and that’s why I haven’t lost “it” with my kids. I’m not trying to say I’m a perfect mother in the least; I’m just saying that you can keep your cool if you don’t let the little things bother you.

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      • 30

        Disgusted says

        Good for you, Angie! Telling someone that she doesn’t have the right to have a mental breakdown that she had no control over because other people have it worse than she does. Bravo! You get Asshole of the Year Award. It’s kind of like when my mother told me that I shouldn’t be depressed or have anxiety because people were starving in the streets and dying of AIDS and as a result I tried to kill myself. Please think before you spout self-righteous bullshit next time. And the time after that and the time after that. Maybe by then you will have learned how to be a human being. Every person has a limit and the author of this post hit her limit. I know I pushed my own parents to their limits and they screamed, cursed, and raged, but I deserved it and I’m bold enough to say that the author’s children deserved to at least see what they do to their mother. It’s an eye-opening experience and it shows that the parent is human. It’s not necessarily good, but it happens and things go on. When your stress levels are that high, something’s got to give and I’m glad she screamed and cursed at her kids instead of having a heart attack or a psychotic break. It could have been a lot worse and condemning a woman you don’t even know for something so very human is disgusting. The author shouldn’t be ashamed of herself. Anyone who scorns her for her actions should be ashamed.

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        • 31

          Nik says

          I’ve got 3 boys, 2 with autism Its bad enough in everyday life to have to cope with the stares of strangers when my boys act up or when I ‘lose it’ a bit. Then I get to go to support groups and meet people like Angie and feel really crap about myself.

          Everybody walks a different road, everybody has different resources, internally and externally, different levels of support and guess what;

          You. Don’t. Get. To. Judge.

          You’d come across as a far nicer person, if you offered support to a struggling mum having a bad day than casting judgement. And you’d actually help a mum’s breaking point go just a little higher.

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    • 32

      heartbroken mom says

      Heartbroken because I have tried everything parenting classes, books, seminars, therapy nothing has worked…endless talking to the kids, rewarding them for good behavior, date nights, rule charts,family meetings to hear the kids side doesn’t matter….I have had my share of breakdowns and I’m not going to feel bad about it! My daughter is 18 and my son is 16 and thank god I have no more kids.I want to get something straight I Love them so much but I couldn’t do it again…from the moment I brought my beautiful daughter home from the hospital , she has been the biggest challenge in my life from crying all night as a baby for no reason…to temper tantrums to food sensitivity having to go to occupational therapy…toilet training her telling me no panties with her finger pointed at me…to her tearing her clothes off and ripping the cute ribbons I had so lovingly placed in her hair…to the pooping at the side of my house …to the numerous school meeting k-12 grade switching school due to boyfriends that wouldn’t go away , which that also applies to my son his girlfriend that I didn’t allow at 14 yrs of age sending him sexy inappropriate pics (no cell phones for both

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      • 33

        heartbroken mom says

        Heartbroken because I have tried everything parenting classes, books, seminars, therapy nothing has worked…endless talking to the kids, rewarding them for good behavior, date nights, rule charts,family meetings to hear the kids side doesn’t matter….I have had my share of breakdowns and I’m not going to feel bad about it! My daughter is 18 and my son is 16 and thank god I have no more kids.I want to get something straight I Love them so much but I couldn’t do it again…from the moment I brought my beautiful daughter home from the hospital , she has been the biggest challenge in my life from crying all night as a baby for no reason…to temper tantrums to food sensitivity having to go to occupational therapy…toilet training her telling me no panties with her finger pointed at me…to her tearing her clothes off and ripping the cute ribbons I had so lovingly placed in her hair…to the pooping at the side of my house …to the numerous school meeting k-12 grade switching school due to boyfriends that wouldn’t go away , which that also applies to my son his girlfriend that I didn’t allow at 14 yrs of age sending him sexy inappropriate pics (no cell phones for both my kids) daughter gave me a 500 dollar phone bill even after all the rules were discuss ed ….but they hated me for months and they couldn’t understand why I took their phones away. My son is easier but also has yelled …broken things because I would regulate his time on video games, I had explained in many ways (lovingly, firmly, and in not so nice ways) that he was getting migraines because he was not following the time limits I had set, so finally I sold it on ebay…once again I was hated …I had a dream of what parenting was going to be like , and I thought I was prepared…I was a pediatric nurse for 5 yrs when I had my oldest and I had read books, and I figured with all the experience I had a working with teens and small children I would be fine Well it was a rude awakening ….oh boy no one prepared me for this job….wow but on a positive not it could be worse my kids could be dead or on drugs, or in jail, and I really feel for those parents that have had to go through that but I really love my kids and I hope I will one day have an awesome relationship with them…but I don’t judge mom’s who have lost it …because I know how much I love my kids and I am the first to admit I have lost it many times…so to all the moms that aren’t perfect and have tried everything and have found themselves crying in a corner after yelling and saying things you wouldn’t say to your enemy you are not alone….I think meltdowns are part of parenting♡

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    • 34

      Lara says

      Oh so relieved I’m not the only one who “loses it.” It can make you feel like such a failure and so incapable and even downright crazy. It can wash away all the good days in just one brief moment. Parenting is so challenging and difficult – full of great moments and memories, but full of days you wish you could forget or do over.

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  2. 35

    Sonia says

    You don’t have to be all picture perfect like the stepdads wives . I have twin girls approaching a year and whole I may be a novice , I finds self struggling to hold it together and not lose my mind through the tantrums and meal times

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    • 36

      Alexandra says

      Sonia, I have 18 month old twin girls and work full-time. Please know you are not alone and will not lose your mind.If loving them were enough everyone would be a mom. Twins is tough and I am sure you would agree – as hard is it is and jeez, it is tough but they are so worth it, Hang in there!!!!!

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    • 37

      Marie says

      Being a caring stepmom I’d say your comment wasn’t fair. Try co-raising a 10 yr old who comes every other weekend and forgets every time the house rules include flushing the toilet. Obviously he doesn’t do it at his mom’s house and then I’ve made out to be “too strict” by his mother. Talk about a thankless job! Maybe at least some day his future wife will appreciate my house rules.

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      • 41

        Scott says

        I don’t mean to be insulting, but co-parenting for 2 days out of 14 isn’t anything like the actual day-to-day parenting that can grind a person down. Your comments are so out of touch that they really don’t belong at all in this discussion, and it sounds like you’re just taking a chance to snipe at the full time mother’s lack of rules… I call foul… Uncool.

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        • 42

          Gillian says

          I’m a full time step-parent, my kid doesn’t get to come every other weekend, he’s there EVERY SINGLE DAY. And i can still sympathize with this blog. Sometimes I lose my mind on him. I have been his mother longer than his bio-mom, and he drives me crazy sometimes. He’s 11, and doesn’t see me as authority even after 6 years and his dad working out of town. We’re slowly becoming buddies though, and he’s grateful that I’m there. But I’ve been known to lose my shit. Step-parenting is a whole new ballgame, but there’s a lot of similiarities to bio-parents. We aren’t perfect either, but our children know we love them.

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          • 43

            Mary says

            I LOVE everything you just said! I’m a stepmother to 3 girls ages 6, 13, and 15. And I have one from before I was married (she’s 7) and one with my husband (he’s 8 months). Your post just made me feel like I’m not alone! Step parenting is just as hard if not harder than raising your biological kids. But you love them all the same. SERIOUSLY thank you for posting this! LOVE IT!

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          • 44

            Tammy says

            Thank you both for your post.I have been with my husband since 2000 we did not get married until 2003 for he was bring two kids in & I already had three. The ages of our children was 2, 5, & 7. And we had full custody of all five. It was hard a lot of time but also very rewarding. Now they are all young adults. Just hang in there it does get better. But I think we all lost it at one point or another I know I did especially early teens. Now I miss the bed time stories & the make believe holidays. so enjoy your time when they are young. For they grow up to fast & you are not alone.

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          • 45

            Desiree says

            Reading your comment reminded my why I’ve sworn to never ever make a life with someone who already has kids. No thank you. If they already have kids I won’t even give a second glance. I don’t have kids yet but I just know raising my own would be hard enough, but raising someone else’s had got to be worse. I can’t imagine it’s any easier

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          • 46

            Cheryl says

            If that’s truly how you feel about it is your decision to make. Being a parent is hard being a step parent can be harder. If you always look at it as the “other persons child” it is harder if not impossible. When I got married I thought it was going to be forever we had a beautiful son and life happened I was 30 with a 6 year old. Thank goodness not everyone thinks the way you do. I met an amazing man who from day one (not that I introduced him to my son so early) was willing to step up an be a dad. I have never heard once “he is your kid” but always “what are we going to do” parenting isn’t about biology and giving birth but stepping up and being a mom or a dad in all senses. So for anyone bio, adoptive or stepparent that steps up and takes this often thankless tiring job , bless you all

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          • 47

            Jennifer says

            Never say never, Desiree, because you don’t know what curveballs life will throw at you. My husband swore he’d never marry a woman with children. But then he met me, we fell madly in love, and the “no children” rule went out the window. My boy/girl twins were three when we married, and he and I will be celebrating our nineteenth anniversary in two weeks.

            I had friends criticize me pretty hard when I told them I was marrying a guy who didn’t love children (he liked mine, and grew to love them). My response to them was, “One day my children will grow up and leave the house. I’ll be waking up next to him every morning long after my munchkins are parents themselves. So, I have to pick the right partner for me…not for family, friends, or co-workers…me!”

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          • 48

            Holly says

            Ahhh, I can relate….I have three step-sons (one lives with us) and 2 daughters….life was a circus when the boys were all young…it is SO much easier now that they are older but still hard….

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        • 49

          Marie says

          Scott

          I’m a full time mom, as well as a part-time mom dealing with the additional troubles of managing a child who deals with rules in two households. There is an advantage to living with children full time that is not enjoyed from kids who have two sets of rules to process. I strive to be a good partner and maintain a positive relationship with the other mother. I am insulted. Stay away from posting on the Internet.

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          • 51

            Ronda says

            I can related to the co-parenting, the step-parenting, and the full time parenting. My sons go to their dad’s house, eh, maybe thrice a week in the evenings, and maybe a day during the weekends, depending upon his availability. The rules are different at his house, and I’m constantly having to undo the bad habits he not only allows, but actually reinforces (i.e., daily ice cream, donuts for breakfast, staying up past midnight, doing school work while watching t.v.). Daily, they live with me, but it only takes one day with him for me to hear, “but dad let’s me do it.” and “Dad never makes us do that.” Ugh. And then there are the stepsons. They used to visit every summer. Now one lives with us full time. The summer visits were a nightmare for me. Despite the “things will be different this time” promises we made in June, by mid-July, chaos managed to work it’s way back into our household. From little things like re-learning how to wash a dish when you’ve used it, to big things like not spending all day every on the internet and yes, I absolutely will monitor the websites you view, it was like raising a teenager from a toddler in two and a half months every. single. time. Now that one lives with us, we are working to undo the damage that’s been done (i.e., “mom says there’s no need to read a book if there’s a movie about it” *cringe*), and the other one won’t visit anymore because, apparently, our rules are too strict (like the “no setting fires in the garage” rule, for instance). Anyhow, yes, motherhood, co-motherhood, step-motherhood… they are all thankless. Worth it? Absolutely. But a bit like beating one’s head against a brick wall.

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        • 53

          sabrina says

          Seriously? I have a two year old son that i havr full time and had to co parent my fiances three year old daughter whom he had 50/50 custody of. She is a spoiled brat and even the father knows it. We know for a fact that the bio mom gives her everything she wants and she has no rules. The bio mom just wants to be her daughters friend. Her father works a full time job and then some so i had to watch her by myself along side my two year old son for 4 days out of the week minimum. It is by far way harder to be a step parent than a bio parent. Being a step parent you are expected to love a child that isnt yours like they are yours. Its hard. When you cant discipline or earn respect because the child is given whatever the hell they want when they want it. Unless you have been a step parent i would suggest you keep your mouth shut.

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          • 54

            Angie says

            I’m sure your husband will appreciate you calling his child a brat. Believe me lady, your kid would act no better to his stepmother either. As a child of divorce and a parent as well, I’m sick that you would even mumble it, much less write it here, for all the world to see. When you married that man, you were entrusted with his child. Stop being childish and remember that you are the adult, the girl is his blood and her mother is forever connected to both of them. Don’t bash the ex or the girl, it’s just tacky.

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          • 55

            C says

            Sabrina: my husband is a stepfather, and while I am not a stepparent, I can appreciate that it can be a thankless and difficult job. Are *you* a bioparent, by the way? You tell us all to keep our mouths shut, unless we’re been stepparents, and further assert that being a stepparent is harder than being a bioparent. I assume, then, you apply your own standard (of keeping your mouth shut) if you are not a bioparent, and clearly know how much harder it actually is to be a stepparent vs. a bioparent, correct? But, seriously, you clearly *cannot have any biochildren (or have had any significant exposure to preschool-aged children, in general), or else you would know that 2 and 3 year olds are too young to be “spoiled brats”. They are at an age where they make it hell for everyone, and all types of parents- both bio and step- they are trying to find out what power they have, and they have tantrums and drive you cray sometimes. But you have compassion for the fact that they are trying to figure out their limits, because you’re a big girl, and all, and get that…. right??? I hope to God that your fiance sees this comment and decides not to marry you. And, when someone does decide to marry you, I hope you cringe when you see what you wrote about your ex’s child. It’s (future) stepparents like you that make wonderful stepfathers like my husband look like asses.

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          • 56

            Jen says

            As a step-parent I think you CAN love your step child as much as your own. I know I do. Difference is, I have left her mother know that this is MY house and MY rules will be followed here and my step daughter knows it. She loves me to death. I take her shopping, she runs to hug me as soon as I walk in the door, we do family things together all the time and she clings to me a lot of times instead of dad even though she loves her dad to death. She does know my rules and she is much better behaved here than at home. Her mom also tries to be a friend instead of a parent and my step daughter actually prefers to be HERE where the rules are. She told my husband she won’t step out of line because she’s afraid to here. Lol. That’s a good thing. She’ll never get into big trouble as long as she’s at my house. As for my boys….I have blown up on them like this mom has and we are implementing new punishments. For instance…not listening gets met with having to sit for 1/2 and hour and increased by 1/2 an hour each time after. Needless to say we don’t go past the first 1/2 hour…..it’s enough to kill them. Lol. The rule is that basically if they cannot listen then they are not safe and if they can’t listen so they can be safe then they need to sit. (I may want to mention that my boys both have ADHD and we are trying to improve their focus and this is helping. I don’t believe that JUST medication helps like some people seem to. I HATE medications so tweeking behaviors is my other and better option.) If my boys are disrespectful to my husband in any way they are punished (early bedtime, not allowed to go out, no bedtime movie for some examples depending on the severity of the actions). They love him to death but still try to push buttons and need reminded from time to time. (and he is their dad to be honest…their biological dad chooses to do his own thing and not be part of their lives. His own personal desires are more important and come first. He’s only seen them for a total of 7 hours this past year.) I guess what I’m trying to say to begin with as far as the stepchildren is that if your husband is behind you and is willing to make sure the ex understands that it’s your house your rules things will be a lot better. Of course, I’m very outspoken so I left my husband’s ex know this on my own…she simply needed put in her place(and she now thanks me for being so good to her daughter and invites me to little parties at her house…it’s comical). Remember, that child may be her child biologically, but she is now part of your life to for the rest of your life and has to respect you too. Once mom realizes you have the best of intention and are treating her child well she’ll back off (for the most part…there are always still those times when she’ll have a bad day and decide to be difficult). It’s not fair for your life to be in shambles because mom is causing resistance and it’s no good for your relationship with your step child if you don’t set those boundaries and make sure she respects you and knows your rules. In fact, it’s not good for your relationship with you and your husband either.

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        • 57

          Melissa says

          Scott, I can speak from the point of view of the stepchild…and the 4 weeks I spent with her, I made her life hell – because “you’re not my real mom”. I was a jerk. I look back now and can’t believe how ungrateful I was. So two days out of the week, can still be just as taxing.

          Thankfully, she understood exactly where I was coming from, forgave me and continued to love me. And now we are great friends.

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          • 58

            Michelle says

            Step mom and bio mom to my 5 kids and one step child all in the same age ranges….. SORRY guys mom’s are mom’s whether chosen by loving the parent first or not LOVE becomes a choice for the child, and few are evil hearted enough to choose to NOT love the child. If we love we love completely! Parenting the step child is JUST as tough if not tougher because you may or may not have had the “beautiful stage” whatever that is of childhood that you had with bio kids… Love is hard, PERIOD, I don’t care if it is the spouse or the child, but the child presents all new kinds of maturity!

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        • 59

          says

          SCOTT You are WORNG!! Have you ever been a step-parent?? I am both I have two children of my own with my husband and I have been helping raise his son from his first marriage for 13 years!! At his moms has there are no rules and no expectations. She picks up after him and still at the age of almost 16 he does not pick up his clothes or brush his teeth without someone reminding him. That someone is me!!! We wouldn’t find about notes that were sent home from school on the days she picked him up. In our house we have rules and expectations!!!! My two children are not perfect of course we have the same problems as most parents but they are easier because they are here 24 hours a day and have had consistency in their lives. Being a step parent is harder than being a bio parent!!!! Gillian keep doing what your doing it will work out in the end I promise you. Thank you for teaching your stepson how to be a good man. Mine step son is good kid and has more respect for me than his on mother because I never give up on him I keep pushing him to be a better person!!!

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      • 60

        Emily says

        Co raising a child every other weekend is NOT the same as being a full time parent to 3 children while your husband works. You are this child’s dads girlfriend. And basically, like the substitute teacher. Earn the respect instead of tryin to demand it.

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        • 61

          Maria says

          Emily, no one is trying to win the “its harder for me” contest. But there are some challenges to being a weekend step parent (trying to set boundaries, but not being able to fully discipline, gaining the child(rens) respect but not having the authority of parent is hard. Dont denigrate someone elses struggles- it takes nothing away from your struggle.

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          • 62

            Nichole says

            I am both a full time mom to my kiddos, have done the single mom thing, and I have a step-son who is here every other weekend. Add to it a child with special needs. Each type of parenting has it’s own set of challenges, and each deserves to be respected. My hats off to parents of all kinds, biological, step-parents, adoptive parents, single parents, co-parents, good old fashioned married parents, and special needs parents. Hang in there each of you, we all have our challenging moments, as do our children, and each of us just need to know there are folks out there who get it.

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        • 63

          Molly says

          I’ve been a part-time step-parent as well as a full-time mum and I can confirm the step-parent part is the hardest. Especially when the step-child’s mother does everything she can to destabilise the poor kid before he comes to us. (“Don’t listen to her she’s not your mother”, “That little bastard’s not your real sister” (she’s his half sister) etc)

          Parenthood is hard at the best of times, but as full time carer of your own child it’s possible to work through difficult issues without time limits, you’re able to be consistent and provide support and reassurance. As a step-parent you’re constantly on shakey ground, especially if the bio-mum is a sociopath. You’ve got just as much responsibility for this little person’s mental and physical wellbeing as you would for your own child but none of the security or power to do the right thing by them.

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      • 64

        Kristina says

        I’m not a stepmom, but I do coparent. Do you know for a fact that rules aren’t enforced. Maybe she thinks the same things go on at dad’s house that you think go on at her house. Communicate with the other parents involved. Don’t ASSume anything. I’ve done that and it just ends up with a big fight in the end.

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      • 65

        Alicia says

        A stepdad’s wife could only be a biological mother… Not a stepmom… One cannot have a stepdad and a stepmom at the same time… so… yeah….

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        • 66

          Nichole says

          Actually you can have a stepmom and stepdad at the same time. I am a step-mom to my husband’s son, and while his mom was married, her husband was his step- dad. He had both at the same time. Unfortunately his mom’s marriage didn’t work out.

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        • 67

          Brandy says

          Actually, it’s possible to have a step mom and step dad at the same time. It happened to my grandmother when her biomom passed away then her father remarried and he passed away, leaving his new wife to care for the children, then she remarried. So my grandma was raised by stepparents. This was back in the 20′s when there probably wasn’t foster care programs so I imagine people just did what they had to.

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      • 68

        KO says

        You really have no idea STEPMOM… every second weekend hehe, comment when you know what u are talking about. If its only flushing you have got to worry about consider yourself lucky

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      • 69

        Heather says

        Marie
        I am a stepmom to three – one is 27 and lives on his own, one is a 17 year old girl, and one is an 11 your old boy. I have a son (19) and a daughter (21).
        I have been with my husband for 7 years, so have been in the 11 year old’s life since he was 4. Unfortuantely his father (my wonderful husband ~ and he really is) and his biological mother let him get away with whatever. I have been the one to instigate rules in the house, set chores out (no, you are NOT going to be on the computer/TV/Xbox alls day!) (and set a limit on that ~ 2 hours). It was just easier to let him do whatever he wanted and avoid the confrontation.
        I had done that with my own son to a degree, and learned from it!! So when I have to be strict with the 11 year old, remind him again of the rules in our home (he is week on week off with his mom and us) it is often a struggle.
        I find myself sometimes saying ‘fuck it’ and just letting things go (going overtime on TV time for example, or acting like it is the worst thing EVER to have to do a chore!), just because I know I will truly lose it if I don’t. I am not perfect, and I have yelled. But sometimes that is what is needed to get kids to listen and act.
        Best of luck to everyone – we are amazing, doing the best we can.
        I can honestly say that by being stronger/stricter/expecting more from my own two (I was a single mom from my son being 10 and my daughter being 12), the teenage years were wonderful, and they are both now responsible, caring young adults.
        It is so worth it.

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        • 70

          Kristina says

          Wow!! I am in the same boat as you are Heather. I was a single mother and raised two children basically by myself and was fairly strict with them. They too are respectful accomplishing adutls. I am now remarried had another child who is now 4 and with the marriage came a stepson who is now 9. I am continuing my strick parenting with my own son and trying to with my stepson but end up being called too strict. We shard 50/50 custody with his mother and it has been more than a challenge with my stepson. I have so much bitterness towards his mother for raising a disrespectful brat. The worst part is that my husband wants so much for his son to like our home that he forgoes all the rules. Making my life miserable!! What rules apply to our son do not apply to my stepson. I know that its only a matter of time before my son will see the way they are treated differently. I really do love my husband but dont know how much longer that I can take this. I have begged to use the same rules on both of the children but it never seems to happen. I am told that I am too strict with my stepson. I constantly remind him to flush the toilet, pick up his dirty clothes, through away his trash and put his plate in the sink. Basic things that every 9 year old should know. Well despite my continuous nagging (that is what my husband calls it, I call it mothering) he does not do any of it without being told or throughing a fit. I am at a loss. Dont know what else I could do. I guess that i could just let them raise themselves and let them go wild and do whatever the hell they want to. Maybe then my husband would be happy. I am one very sad mother and stepmother.

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          • 71

            Maria G says

            I’m at the other end of the spectrum as far as co-parenting. My older 2 go to their fathers house on the weekend. And let me tell you, my daughter comes home thinking she rules the roost. She gets to do whatever she wants at dads house. My son on the other hand comes home the same way he left, humble. They don’t biologically have the same father but he claims our son as his own. During the school year I had to choose to drive them to a school that was 10 miles from my home just to insure that their father and I didn’t end up back in court for custody. He’s very manipulative. And I didn’t have the money for an attorney. Thats going to change this year. I will not be pushed around anymore! Sorry for the rant thats the first time I have told anybody that.

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    • 72

      Sonia says

      I did mean stepford wives, damn auto correct. I meant to say that getting my act together despite being new to this whole motherhood things is a tremendous task. I wish I could pretend sleep all through half my day and not have to deal with the shit… Literally …

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    • 76

      Lisa Morguess says

      I have twin girls, too! The Annabelle in that piece I wrote is one half of my twins, who will be nine next month. They are by far more of a handful than any of my other kids.

      Sigh.

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  3. 77

    ThePioneerMom says

    Holy Hell! Yes! Respect and gratitude are my big ones. It wouldn’t be so hard to be a mother if they had one ounce of appreciation in their bodies or said ‘thank you’ without me turning into the manners police. You are most definitely NOT alone! Venting can be a healthy thing (just not in front of the kids – and I am VERY guilty of doing this myself). It’s so f-ing hard! Hang in there, momma!! XOXO

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  4. 78

    The Milk Meg says

    Thank you for sharing what we have all felt! We all have been there and we all would like to yell a big fat fuck you back at motherhood at times. So often mums appear to have it all together when the reality is that it’s damn hard!

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  5. 79

    Annie says

    Fuck that! What are you meant to have fine wrong exactly?! Sometimes kids need to know that you are a person too. Not just a robot who makes everything happen and remembers every minute detail of the whole families diary. Well fine for posting this. I often lose it at my kids, but I try to go back and repair the relationship later. That doesn’t mean making them feel like everything they did/said was ok but getting them to understand that I’m a person also. I love your bravery! Thank you for a most helpful post. Annie, UK

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    • 80

      says

      Annie – yes, I totally agree that our kids need to know that we’re human – that we have feelings and that we get hurt, annoyed, and just downright exhausted at times. But I think you touched on exactly what I was going to write (@lisa, maybe you already did this…) … we need to go back afterwards and repair the relationship… because as much as we’re not robots, we’re not dictators or overlords either. When we have these breakdowns it isn’t in an effort to scare them straight – it is an outcry of our soul to be heard. I always find it difficult but oh-so-necessary to go back as soon as possible and say “Honey, Mom’s really sorry for (insert behavior here). I was wrong to act that way. I know that isn’t an acceptable way to deal with my emotions and I am trying to do a better job as your mom. Please understand that I was upset because you (insert their behavior here) and that is really frustrating to me – can you help me out and try to not do that anymore? And I’ll try to communicate better. I love you – will you forgive me?” – it sounds very “Dr. Laura” but kids need to be talked to respectfully, especially when you are the one that was in the wrong.

      **High five for similar thoughts**

      -Bethany-

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      • 81

        Cold says

        Thank goodness you have put into words in a kind, respectful manner how this mother and her ‘followers’ might do things differently. I was raised by someone who reacted to life like this post, and we do not have the relationship that I wish we did, because I simply don’t respect of like that my mother lost control and screamed like a lunatic. What happened to ‘treat people how you want to be treated?” I can only imagine that if this is a story she feels she should share how she handles the truly difficult things in life. Wow! What about teaching our children self control, limits, patient, self respect, honor…. Geese!

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        • 82

          WOW says

          @Cold
          You OBVIOUSLY don’t have kids. If you had a bad parent that went off on you about every little thing, than that’s one thing, but to have a break down once in a while, is a whole different story. I have break downs with my 1 daughter, the blogger has 7 children! If you had any kids of your own, you would know that it has nothing to do with ‘treat others as you would be treated’ crap.

          You are an ignorant person, and if you don’t have kids, DONT respond, cause you don’t know a damn thing of what you are talking about. PERIOD.

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    • 83

      Lauren says

      I totally agree with you, Annie! Children DO need to see their moms as PEOPLE and not just servants etc. And while I do not think children should be made responsible for our happiness, they (esp. the older kids) do need to be aware that their behavior has an impact on other people. That it is not okay to repeatedly act selfishly.

      Bethany, I agree that when we say things out of anger and frustration that we need to go back and explain and maybe even apologize. Kids always need to know that they are loved and respected AND that that love and respect is a two way street!

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  6. 85

    Nicole says

    You are definitely not alone. I could’ve written your post and I only have two. I honestly don’t know how you do it. Seven!? Really?! Cuddles to you!

    Trying to Stay Sane Too!

    BTW…I too have written about this – check it out -http://nicolewolf.com/mommy-dearest/

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  7. 86

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense says

    Not only are you not alone, but your honesty here is going to make thousands of women feel a lot less like shit today.

    I had a really rough afternoon with my second-grader yesterday, who brought home math homework that he hadn’t completed in school because he wasn’t paying attention to the lesson. So we worked on the homework. Lot’s of “I can’t” ensued. I tried to stay cool. I really did. I FAILED, EPICALLY, SPECTACULARLY. I thought, “This would make a great blog post. But… no. Too embarrassing. Everyone will think I’m crazy.” And I went to bed thinking that I am a horrible mother. That I don’t even deserve to be a mother. That I’m going to mess my kid up by screaming at him, and he’s going to grow up to hate me.

    Thank you for making me feel a little less crazy.

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    • 89

      Ashley @ It's Fitting says

      God, I feel ya. There are times when I’m like… uhhh, that may have been a BIT over the top that I’m screaming at my kid over homework. Or clearing the table. Or breathing at me too loudly. I was reading the book Love and Logic and I was pretty much the example of what NOT to do. Eff.

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    • 90

      Mary says

      You are not crazy love! And like you said she posted something that we all want to say but don’t have the balls! You going to bed and feeling like that is what makes you a GOOD mom. I do the same exact thing anytime I lose my shit with my kids. (Btw. I have a 2nd grader that does the exact thing while doing homework! Deep breaths sometimes don’t even come close to helping! Youre not alone AT ALL!) We are only human.

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  8. 92

    Allyson Bossie says

    Ugh, but am I the only one who feels epic guilt later? I so want to be nothing like my mother was. She is mentally ill so in her defense, I am unsure if she can help her various personalities-some of which are down right evil. But when I say things in a melt down from sheer exhaustion, I feel so bad that they might feel as awful as I did, and still do when I dream about my life growing up. Shit haunts you for life, you know? Even with tons of therapy, you can’t stop the dreams..

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    • 94

      Lisa Morguess says

      Of course I feel guilty later. I feel guilty almost all the time. That’s probably a big reason why I wrote about losing my shit – why I write about motherhood at all. The guilt, the guilt.

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      • 95

        Andrea says

        Guilt is so much of motherhood. I know you know you are not alone and I thank you for sharing so I can realize I am not alone too. So much of what you wrote feels like it came from my thoughts that I have daily. Hope your day improved from that point.

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    • 96

      Missy Homemaker says

      I’d be more worried if a parent went off like this and didn’t feel any guilt. I go off on my kids, and when I’ve cooled down, I apologize for handling things the way I did and let them know what it is I expect them to do differently. That apology goes a long way.

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      • 97

        Mary says

        Guilt is what makes us good mothers even if we lose are shit! If guilt wasn’t apart of the after affect we wouldnt be good mothers. I always talk to mine after as well and apologize that mommy had a melt down and explain why I had the meltdown. I absolutely LOVE this blog. I needed this in my life!

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    • 98

      Katie says

      It’s hard to parent a certain way if you were not raised in a loving safe environment. I’m pretty sure my mom had a personality disorder when raising us. My father had anger issues due to his past…so it’s difficult to know how to parent the right way if you never had positive examples yourself. Books, parenting classes, other women in your life can be good tools for improving.

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    • 99

      Laura Henry says

      This was my life as a child all the time, on the opposite end, and it was horrifying. I hated being at home because my mom would never let me be. I was in all AP classes in high school and many extra curricular activities. I got, on average, 4-5 hours of sleep every night trying to keep up. I was grateful to have had those experiences, but I simply did not have the energy to comply with my stay-at-home mom’s many demands. On top of that, she complained to me about every aspect of her life, including my dad and their sex life. There were a lot of nice things that she did for me, but NEVER EVER did she not complain about it during and afterward. She manipulated me, lied to me, read my personal diary and emails, and accused me, my sister, and my dad or terrible things that we didn’t do. She seemed incapable of apologizing to anyone, and often accused other people of the things she did. Then she wondered why we didn’t treat her with the utmost love and respect.

      I think every parent deserves forgiveness if they overreact when they are emotionally at the end of their rope. Parenting is the toughest job in the world. Just make sure you do not make a habit of always reacting this way to your kids when they do something you don’t like. Please do your best to be the kind of person you would like to see your kids become. Of course you are not and will never be perfect and neither will your kids. But please understand that as much as you want them to love and respect you as a real person, they want you to love, accept, and respect them as their own individual person. It is a two-way street. As an adult you are experienced enough to be able to understand this. Treat your child as you wish them to treat you, and they will learn… eventually. Remember that they depend on you as their biggest teacher. When you feel emotionally drained or if you have just blown up at them, talk with them respectfully once you have calmed down, explaining how you felt and why, and also being respectful of how they felt and why. Come up with a solution together. Keep your relationships with your friends and family strong so that you have the support you need. Do these things if you value your relationship with your child. Don’t let it dissintigrate as mine did with my mom.

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  9. 100

    Laurie says

    “It’s because it’s so fucking emotionally taxing.” Yes, yes, yes. I’ve said before that being a mom is such a HUGE emotional mind fuck. And I only have 1 child!! Thanks for keeping it real this morning.

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      • 102

        Laurie says

        Really? Small world! More than likely (if you had your place listed on lbar) I clicked longingly through the pictures of your place. We’ve been wanting to move to that area of town for a while. One day! :)

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  10. 103

    Jess says

    We had similar mornings. I also lost it. I’ve been doing everything around here, more than usual, after my husbands accident. The kids have been behaving worse than usual, and after my 4 year old hid under the table to poop in his underwear after nearly a month of no {intentional} accidents, I just snapped.

    Motherhood does feel like a BIG Fuck You most times.

    Xx

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  11. 108

    Chris Gordon says

    Hardest job ever. Sometimes I look at my son and wonder if I am really capable of doing this every day for the rest of forever. And some days, I flip my shit too. Maybe it is in the air this morning. We were not even up for 20 minutes and we already had 2 time outs under our belts. just remember, they will ALWAYS present you with another chance to do better next time…because that's what kids do ;).

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    • 109

      Ashley says

      Just curious to why you monitor their tv watching, with all the screaming and cursing you do at them, your not much better than what they would be watching. Can’t understand why you have to swear at kids, they didn’t ask to be born. I raised 8 and I didn’t have to swear and yell constantly to do it. Try doing things with the kids, and get them involved, and they would help out more.

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      • 113

        Angela says

        Couldn’t agree more, I was wondering the same thing as well! She sounds ridiculous saying how she monitors their tv…however, turns around and yells, screams, cusses, etc. Pathetic parenting, filled with excuses.

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        • 114

          Shell says

          I think the point is that we all have moments we’re not proud of with our kids because in the moment it’s just overwhelming; even the world’s most calm, collected and patient parents have lost it. Motherhood is a club like no other; but instead of criticizing those who own up to their struggles, I think it’s hugely important that we support other moms who are just trying their best and sometimes, feel that they may be falling short. Honestly, nothing pisses me off these days like moms who criticize other well-intentioned moms for not doing it “the right” way. (Especially when it’s a friend or family!)
          Thanks for sharing, Lisa!

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          • 115

            Mary says

            Thank you Shell! All those who are going to put this mom down for opening up about something that isnt easy to open up about, get off this blog! Trust me she feels enough guilt for how she acted. No mom is perfect. Get over yourself!

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        • 116

          Lisa Phifer says

          Who tells their kids they’re going to kill them????? I can see siblings saying that all the time, but a parent? I think you need some parenting and anger management classes.

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          • 117

            SusanMy says

            Me. I’ve said that. I guess I need some anger management classes, too. Guess you (and Angela and Ashley) graduated top of your classes from Holier Than Thou University.

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          • 118

            A.D. says

            I agree with Angela and Ashley. Have I lost my temper with my 5 year old? Of course I have. I’ve told him very sternly how unhappy I am with his attitude. But I have never, ever cursed at him or told him I would kill him. He’s never been scared of me and needed to lock himself in his room to feel safe. This story is really sad, IMO.

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      • 119

        Regina says

        I want to live in Ashley and Angela’s world! Where kids behave all the time and we sing about our feelings and even the woodland critters come to help with chores. La la la la la….

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        • 123

          MC says

          BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Woodland creatures!!! I guess Ashley and Company also whistle while they work…..

          But in all seriousness. This isn’t about making excuses, it’s about sharing experiences and trying to do better and admitting when one has fallen short. So the rest of you get off your damn high-horses. Also, more often it seems that those who judge and berate are just putting on a façade.

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        • 124

          Saddened says

          She never claimed her children were perfect, I think the point is rather than blaming a child for ‘making’ you Explode on them, come from a place of responsibility for your own behaviour and figure out what YOU can do differently next time so you are able to respond rather than react to your children. It feels really crappy to lose it on your kids, that seems to be a repeated theme in all of the comments. With that being said, it doesn’t feel ok to me to go down the path of, oh that’s ok, it’s just normal. I want to figure out how I can do better, to go longer between mistakes, so I can feel good about what I am up to as a parent, rather than just get validated for my poor behaviour. I can have all the compassion in the world for myself and other mothers, it’s a tough job, but that doesn’t mean I ever think its OK to lash out verbally on my children, nor do I want the kind of support that just says, oh don’t worry, everyone does it, it’s ok.

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      • 125

        momof3 says

        Ashley, I doubt many will appreciate your “holy than thou” attitude. Good for you that you were able to raise 8 kids with such success. It doesn’t always work that way and you SHOULD KNOW THIS. I have spontaneous triplet daughters that will turn 8 soon. They fight constantly and are constantly keeping score of everything in their quest for constant and complete justice and fairness. I am one person. Their father bailed on the full time parenting a couple of years ago and now sees them during the weekends (and he does little more than “baby sit” them during that time).. Our divorce was the only way either of us were able to get a break. It’s people like YOU, Ashley, that keep up the outward charade that parenting is such a beautiful reward, in of itself. Think, next time around, before you post something stupid. Yes, I said stupid, as in “inability to learn” as opposed to “ignorant.” However, obviously I don’t know you; you could be stupid and ignorant.

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        • 126

          Cold says

          You are simply a bitch momof3, who your x has to be celebrating he no longer has to deal with daily. The woman above, was kind in her approach. A person who markets themselves as ‘scary mommy’ needs psych help hands down and apparently you do to.

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          • 127

            trytobeoriginal says

            If you think that she needs psychiatric help based on the name alone, then why the hell are you even reading? Seriously. Maybe you’ve never had a difficult day, never struggled with children who are, even if you only admit it to yourself, obnoxious self-centered brats, but most of us have. So instead of assuming you are the better person, maybe get off your high horse and be supportive or *gasp* helpful. Although, from everything you’ve posted so far, I suspect that is completely beyond you, you snide bitch.

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          • 128

            trytobeoriginal says

            Ok, sorry. I was a bit angry when I posted that. I’m so sick of everyone tearing mothers apart who are trying their best and judging someone based on a situation they know next to nothing about. I don’t know your situation, and you were being a bitch, but I don’t know that you don’t have your own issues causing that. So I apologize for making my point so rudely. The point stands though.

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          • 129

            Britt says

            Cold, you’ve mentioned several times how impressed you are by others’ kind remarks and civil ways of making their point, but you seem incapable of doing so yourself. Calling someone a B**** and telling them their husband is better off without them is neither kind nor respectful. If you truly believe in the saying, “treat others as you want to be treated” you wouldn’t call people such names and degrade them so personally, even if you feel that is what they are doing. Unless of course, that is how you like to be treated…

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      • 130

        says

        Funny, I would ask why WOULDN’T you monitor their tv?? See, that is the problem with today’s society, Everyone thinks that if they give their child EVERYTHING they ask for they will earn their respect and its just the opposite, I have an 11 yr old daughter who has Aspergers and I monitor EVERYTHING she does in moderation. First off I agree with the content in today’s “Kids” shows being all about insulting and disrespecting each other not to mention bullying and cyber bullying, YOU HAVE TO monitor what your kids do that’s what good parents do, they care about what garbage they fill themselves with. Do you not make sure they eat healthy too or is that bad parenting?? how about checking homework? or what they listen to?? Yes I suppose that shouldn’t be monitored either I for one applaud this woman for being honest enough to say “Hey I give a shit and they don’t sometimes” because that can feel that way sometimes but in no way is she a bad parent just the opposite and we all have had our times when we flipped out it’s called being HUMAN.

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  12. 133

    Jamie says

    I have definitely had a few moments like this as well. You are very brave to put this out there into the universe because you know that some people are going to have a field day with it.

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  13. 134

    Jessica Richard says

    I am so glad someone has the courage to state this in a public forum. I think all mom's feel like this sometimes…and in those times, we feel like we are all alone, like we are the only ones who are the world's worst mother. Nice to know it isn't just me.

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