The Cloud of Depression – Scary Mommy

The Cloud of Depression

cloud-of-depression

As a writer, I try to write about everything.

It’s basically all that I know how to do.

But the thing about being funny is that it sometimes makes me feel like I’m hiding behind a mask and pretending I’m something I’m not. I’m a person who loves to laugh—who loves to make other people laugh even more—but yet most of the time that’s not me, or at least that’s not how I feel.

But it’s hard to ignore what goes on in my head and even harder to write about depression. For one, there’s the fear that writing about it makes you look weak and turns people off because it’s not funny or light. Most people have their own problems, so why would they read about mine?

The other trouble is that it is often incredibly difficult to articulate just how I feel.

Deep depression is hard to understand, especially if you’ve never been there. It has manageable days that for me usually include writing something I don’t hate or spending time outside. In other words, I function and appear to be fine.

But then there are days—sometimes even that same day— when like a virus it flares up and all I can do is remind myself not to swerve my car over the center line or walk a little too close to the edge.

These are the times that I should reach out, but the thing about depression is that it comes with the sense that you shouldn’t have it to begin with, that it’s a bunch of self-indulgent navel gazing and not an actual illness like those that everyone can see looking in.

And so I swallow it down and isolate more, feeling that talking about it at all with people will only make me sound whiny. It’s hard to explain that depression isn’t like being sad and OCD isn’t just “needing to clean,” but rather that they are entirely crippling.

Unfortunately for me, it has crippled me both physically and mentally.

My concentration is barely existent, and more times than not I alternate between staring at my computer and feeling trapped behind a curtain too heavy to lift/inadequate in comparison to everyone else and doing unhealthy amounts of exercise in an attempt to distract myself and feel something, anything other than flat.

The immediate consequences don’t matter because at that point, nothing really matters. At least the distraction—the slow self-destruction in part because of my OCD —gives me some false sense that I’m coping or in control, but no matter what I do, it’s never enough.

But that’s what depression does.

It twists things around in your mind. Any activity takes many times more effort, like trying to run through quicksand. Work is boring and intolerable. What felt joyful feels dull and what felt sad feels unbearable. Everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and anything you used to like.

Depression is truly the absence of hope.

The reason I’m sharing this is that stigmas exist with depression—or any mental health issue that is outside of “normal” convention—and we’re often made to feel like we should ignore what we deal with each day, that others have it all together and we’re just failing in some way, shape or form.

We’re not.

So while this isn’t a motivational speech with a happy ending or solution, as I have neither of those things, it’s simply a reminder that you’re not alone. You’re not defective or broken or dealing with what you “deserve.”

No, you’re simply human.

You’re doing the best that you can with the strength that you have. You’re choosing to hold on to hope and to fight, and as much as I feel like I can’t on some days, I choose to keep fighting as well.

It’s basically all that I know how to do, but we don’t have to do it alone. And hopefully at the end of the day, we can find something that makes us smile, or at least someone who might understand.

Sometimes that’s all—and everything—that we might need.

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