The Curse of the Light Sleeping Mother

My mission last night was to go to bed early. Simple enough, yes?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

8:28 Lie down in Evan’s bed. Read him stories and stay until he’s almost asleep. Debate just falling asleep with him.

8:49 Decide against falling asleep with him and get up to put Ben to bed.

9:01 Convince Ben to sleep in his own room. The two of us aren’t actually supposed to be roommates, Benjamin. Lie down with him. Ben wants to talk. Ben wants to read. Ben wants to play. Ben wants to make shadow puppets. Debate just falling asleep with him.

9:38 Ben finally asleep.

9:40 Tuck Lily in.

10:21 My bed. Hallelujah.

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10:24 Jeff to bed.

10:41 Jeff snoring.

10:46 Evan coughing.

10:48 Jeff snoring LOUDLY. Jeff denies snoring. Jeff can’t hear snoring because Jeff can sleep through anything.

10:52 Jeff yelling because he was kicked in the shin during my attempt to stop his snoring.

10:54 Relocate to Evan’s bed. No snoring, no coughing.

11:00 Lily coughing.

11:07 Jeff snoring from across the hall. It’s that loud.

11:14 Evan sneezing.

11:30 Move to guest bed. Quiet. Finally.

11:48 Dog barking. Car alarm. Wind.

11:15 Couch. Computer. Facebook. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

1:31 Evan coughing. Evan whining. Move to his room.

1:32 Toilet flushing.

1:37 Ben calling for me. Ben to Evan’s room. Ben on top of me due to lack of space in twin bed.

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1:42 My bed. Jeff still snoring. Jeff huffing and puffing after being punched in the arm.

1:43 Move to Ben’s empty bed. Note the faint smell of pee.

3:08 Evan cries. Finds me in Ben’s room. Lies on my face.

4:12 Penelope pacing. House settling. Evan playing with my hair.

5:50 Jeff’s alarm.

5:55 Jeff’s alarm.

6:00 Jeff’s alarm.

6:05 Jeff’s alarm.

6:10 Jeff’s alarm.

6:14 Evan wants breakfast.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And I wonder why I’m always tired.

About the writer


In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)


Herchel S 2 years ago

Sounds like my house lol but it’s my alarm that goes off over and over again. I have a tiny snooze problem

Maura 3 years ago

How much do you want to bet that Jeff bitched and complained to his wife how tired he was that morning and how he didn’t get enough sleep?

Jessica Smock 3 years ago

I’m a big fan of guest rooms and ear plugs. Essential coping devices for light sleepers. I’ve become an insanely light sleeper too. It’s gotten better — now when my toddler cries and I’m much better at telling my husband to deal with it and going back to sleep — but when my son was an infant, I suddenly developed supersonic hearing and movement detection abilities. I would even wake up when the dog passed gas.

SaraMommy 3 years ago

I’ve become such a light sleeper too…thankfully 1 Tyelnol PM helps me into a deeper sleep!

lej 3 years ago

Ear plugs!!
You can still hear but is just a little softer. I live in an apartment building with young people living above me who smoke pot and have sex all damn day and night ….I use and love my ear plugs…its the only way to survive. And look online not in store for the best pair.

Mercy 3 years ago

I haven’t had a night that active in a while but I know them well. My youngest (19 mo.) has just started sleeping through the night; the older two still wake often, mainly to move to my bed. :)

Kristen Mae 3 years ago

I’m so glad you re-posted this; I didn’t see it the first time around. Freakin’ hilarious especially the part about the husband snoring. My husband finally dropped 15 lbs and the snoring stopped THANK YOU JESUS. My daughter just woke up crying about 15 minutes ago. Many times I don’t go to bed till midnight or 1 because I know it’s going to be such a fight that I might as well not even bother. :/

Kat 3 years ago

Wow, one of the biggest rules in my home is that everybody has their own bed and everybody sleeps in their own bed. Once in a while, when my kids were smaller, I would let one of them creep into my bed after a bad dream or if they didn’t feel well but it was rare. This rule was for their own safety – momma is definitely a Scary Mommy when she doesn’t get her sleep! My ex-husband was a snorer but….well, he’s my ex now so problem solved, lol!

Kristi H 3 years ago

Get your husband some breathe right strips or a sleep study. Both work. Will keep him from waking the kids and you. Kids are gonna sleep in your bed, get a bigger bed, biggest king size they make. Then add cots or baby mattresses by the side of the bed. They will leave eventually. No one goes to college sleeping with mom. Its not a character flaw to have your kids close by. Its about convenience and comfort. Get waterproof mattress pads. Time flies, it’ll be over too soon and they will be gone. Nap a lot.

Motherhood on the Rocks 3 years ago

huh? What? What does that word “sleep” mean?

Michelle Ristuccia 3 years ago

It never ends. My mother was telling me today that she couldn’t sleep the other night because she heard her fully grown daughter puttering around in the next room!


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