Parenting is hard. That may sound overly simply, but it doesn’t really need gussying up. It’s simply an accepted truth. What it does need is laughter, and the parents of Twitter have us covered, the whole year through. 2015 brought us so many hilarious parenting tweets about tantruming toddlers, babies who won’t nap, hiding to eat snacks so we don’t have to share and many other indignities only a parent would understand. Sometimes, having kids can be isolating and in our worst moments, we might feel we’re all alone in the madness and that’s what makes social media so great. Thanks so these funny parents firing off one relatable quip after another, we can laugh for a second before plunging back into the wild and ridicuous mess that is raising children. So thank you, parents of Twitter. You’ve kept us smiling when we would otherwise be in tears. Hiding in a closet. Eating Cheetos and drinking wine straight from the bottle. Chances are, we will still do that sometimes. And that’s totally ok.
1. Worst. alarm. ever.
Babies are okay if you're into alarm clocks that poop.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 17, 2015
They wake you at an ungodly hour, a diaper brimming with evil that you have to change with your eyes half closed. If only you could hit a baby snooze button and sleep for another 12 hours instead.
2. You know that voice.
*Mary Poppins voice* Ok, children! Time to go! [15 min later] *Batman voice* I said let's go.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 5, 2015
You’ve tried being patient but the “Mary Poppins” veneer fades fast when they just. won’t. listen. That’s when you have to break out a more menacing character.
3. We start with the best of intentions.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note. Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 21, 2015
At the beginning of the school year, we’re full of energy and big ideas. Bento box lunches with little snacks made to resemble whimsical creatures, a perfect balance of protein and nutrients. Only to wind down in June by tossing in whatever you can find and hoping your kid might eat it. Good times.
4. Go the f&@^ to sleep. Please?
Parent: Good night, moon." Moon: Can I have some water and maybe a banana and I need to tell you about unicorns. Parent: GOOD NIGHT MOON!
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) December 27, 2015
It’s always “just one more thing” and despite your attempts to remain calm, it can be difficult after the 23rd reading of “Goodnight, Moon.”
5. This is the only criteria, to be honest.
Parenting Level: Approving my kids' friends based on which parents I think would drink wine with me during playdates.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 7, 2015
The days are long but the years are short, and that’s why we need wine. If our kids pick friends with parents who don’t understand that, it’s best for everyone to move on.
6. They are pretty tasty.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 10, 2015
If the nurse was a fellow parent, they probably thought nothing of it.
7. How do they always find them?
"Only the Sharpie Cap" - a horror/ mystery for parents
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) September 28, 2015
You keep them up high and never let the kids see you use them but somehow, you always find that stray cap on the floor. And the rest of it is probably stabbed into a brand-new throw pillow bleeding black ink. Because of course it is.
8. Sleeping in isn’t what it used to be.
[Saturday 6:13 am] Daddy I know you wanted to sleep in but the TV won't work & I can't open the milk & the dog puked & I think I'm bleeding
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 30, 2015
They try to be quiet and behave but doesn’t it seem like the whole house and everyone in it falls apart if you try to sleep just a little bit longer? Hang on, sweetie. Let’s find some gauze.
9. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Oops, sorry.
90% of parenting is just apologizing to people your kid walks into
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 23, 2015
It’s like shepherding a tiny drunk person through the world as they stumble and crash into everyone you come in contact with. At least going out in college was good practice.
10. He’ll figure it out someday.
Parents: don't give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don't know what you're talking about.
— Meh the Snowman (@TheAlexNevil) October 21, 2015
We might be the grown ups, but that doesn’t mean we know everything. And thanks to Common Core math, our kids will figure that out sooner than they might have previously.
11. Secret eating is totally a thing.
Whenever I have a snack I turn on the faucet so my son doesn't hear the bag crinkle because parenting makes you a prisoner in your own home.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 24, 2015
If you’ve never done this or dove into a closet to eat some Doritos, you’re probably not a parent. They can’t hear you yelling to clean up their rooms, but from a whole floor away, they hear the crinkle of a wrapper. Nothing is sacred.
12. They think they’re pretty big stuff.
I think my favorite thing about parenthood is being spoken to in a patronizing tone by someone who needs me to tell her when she has to pee.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) September 2, 2015
They can’t wipe themselves, but have no problem at all talking to you like you’re the total moron. Seems fair.
13. Details are hard.
Wife: don't forget to pick the kids up from school Me: it's Saturday, they're both upstairs Wife: it's Wednesday & we have 3 kids
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 30, 2015
What day is it? How many kids do we have? Sometimes, it’s just too much to ask.