Dear Children of Mine,
Each week I seem to have at least one of you contacting me to request I pick you up from school early. The reasons run the gamut from illness, aches and pains, to a general dislike of your day. I have clearly explained the requirements that must be met in order for you to leave school early; however, there seems to be some disconnect.
As a result, I have drafted this helpful letter to outline what will get you picked up early. Please pay attention.
1. Blood – I’m talking a massive, gushing, squirting amount of blood. If it can be dealt with by a bandaid (or four) do not even consider picking up the phone. You must be the next Jackson Pollock who has decided to use blood as your medium to get me in my car to get you. Better yet, you will need to be in an ambulance being rushed to the ER. I will meet you there.
2. Cut – Not just any cut either. You must have been impaled by something that is currently still lodged in your body. And no, a pencil does not count. Make a fist; if the object that stabbed you is wider than your hand in a ball, then call me.
3. Puke – Only if you are dripping and covered in puke, or if you hurled all over the floor in front of an adult. I have repeatedly told you to puke in the toilet at home, and yet you never do. I know damn well that you have not just acquired this skill and graced the porcelain throne at school. Any rumored puke will not get you picked up.
4. Headache – The only way in hell I am getting you for a headache is if your head has actually been split in two, or if there is a nail hammered into your skull.
5. Injury – Do not call me to tell me your wrist, ankle, toe, finger, hip, ear lobe, shoulder, knee, ANYTHING hurts. I will happily say a prayer for you, but I am hanging up the phone. The only injury you are getting picked up for is if your bone has come through the skin.
6. Earache – Hell No.
7. Forgotten lunch – Eat whatever is available at school. I am not driving your lunch (or anything for that matter) to school for you. I don’t care if you subsist on pickles and broccoli, or that you cannot go outside at lunch because you do not have your boots. Deal with it, and better yet – try not to forget your shit the next time.
8. Tummy Ache – No. No. No. Your chance of me coming to pick you up for a upset belly is as likely as me deciding that I would like to take on an erupting volcano with a garden hose. If I can’t SEE the illness (via a 100 degree temp) then you are not getting anywhere near my car.
9. Sore Throat – Nope, you can get a drink of water but you are going back to class.
10. Bug Bites – Unless you have swollen to five times your actual size, do not call to tell me you are itchy. I know both of you are not allergic so you will have to learn to handle these minor setbacks as every other person for the last million years has. Mark your bite with an X from your fingernail, build a bridge, and get over it.
See… I don’t think you realize that while you are both at school, I am actually busy doing things (nap, social media, watching TV) and nowhere in my agenda is there room to watch Spongebob or The Amazing World of Gumball while you tell me you are bored. Enjoy school. I’ll see you at pickup, and not a second before.