The inner workings of a child’s brain

Did you know that, in addition to being an expert ass wiper, superb sandwich maker, and multi-tasker extraordinaire, that I am also an esteemed scientist? I mean, how else would I be able to come up with this?.

Years of clinical research, right here.

About the writer


In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)


Danielle 3 years ago

Hilarious!! And so true……

Pam 4 years ago

Wait, is this the right brain or the left brain. I get a whole bunch of There Is Nothing To Do.

well, on the days he is grounded from video games anyway.


Vanessa Jubis 4 years ago

Ha! I could just imagine what your TEEN graphic will be like. Looking forward to that one 😉


Bohemian Hijabi 4 years ago

LMAO@ being an expert ass wiper. I long for the day that my youngest can clean his own behind without his drawers looking like someone wrapped a melted hershey’s kiss in the seat of them. You are right on the money with that illustration, although I I would also add “oops, I broke mom’s *insert ridiculously expensive item here*”.

Mama and the City 4 years ago

Oops, the brain of a child? I think this is mine right now.
Not much going on, very hungry and not much going on.

abnormalmommy 4 years ago

Jill, you really are a Jack of all Trades!

Nap Warden (Cynthia) 4 years ago

Now that’s nice use of the infographic!

the mama bird diaries 4 years ago


Rachel – A Southern Fairytale 4 years ago


Megan (Best of Fates) 4 years ago

No “my newest plot to take over the world”? That was what I was most looking forward to in having kids. Total bummer.

Julie Kenner 4 years ago

“She’s annoying me” and “I’m hungry” — those are the ones that rank highest at our house. And, of course, the ever popular “I forgot”

    Scary Mommy 4 years ago

    Amazing how selective their memories can be. They must get it from their fathers.

Team Suzanne 4 years ago

Oh lordy. Kids and boredom. Don’t even get me started. Boredom is their best friend–but they just don’t realize it yet. Boredom is the marker of affluence. To be bored means you’re one of the lucky ones–the ones that has time and space to play and be.

But this kind of logic does no good. My kids are 6 and 9, not 35. They don’t get it. So they’re bored. And perhaps mildly hungry. Just like yours–and apparently everyone else’s–so that’s kind of a relief.

Headacheslayer 4 years ago

OMG You must have grabbed my now 10yo son for this study. He is SO like this BWAHAHAHAHA. He’s like 70lbs soaking wet and can out-eat me, his dad AND his teen sister (nearlly combined!). He’s ALWAYS HUNGRY.

I am so fucking scared of the teen years with him. At least his sister will be away at college so it will be like we’re still feeding 2 kids.

Jessica@MakingHomeSweeter 4 years ago

Bahaha, love it. You need to make one for babies so those of us who aren’t at the kid stage yet can relate.

    Scary Mommy 4 years ago

    Oh! Next graphic idea!

Marta 4 years ago

You are missing the most important one “can I watch another show?”

    Scary Mommy 4 years ago

    Doh!!! You are so right. And, can I play a computer game.

Jack@TheJackB 4 years ago

Eleven year-old boys really are hungry all the time. Ok, not all the time but he is getting there. Fortunately mom is considered to be the better person to hit up for food so….

Carri 4 years ago

Story of my life. Ugh.

heather 4 years ago

haha! you forgot :”there’s nothing on t.v. i don’t like that anymore. those are for babies. i don’t like that color. this tastes funny. you’re gross.”
but, i must say, your chart WAS scientifically accurate.

Alison@Mama Wants This 4 years ago

My kid hasn’t reached the I’m hungry all the time stage yet, but I think I’m gonna counter that by leaving food all over the house from now on.

Carrie 4 years ago

OK. Now I really feel like an ass because I’m not so sure that’s not my head you have there.

Jamie 4 years ago

I LOVE this– it’s all of my kids, every day!!!!

Karen 4 years ago

Your graphics make my day! I think that degree paid off, if not just for us. :)

Carolyn 4 years ago

Once again, you got it 100% right!
Love it.

Arnebya 4 years ago

I wrote my girls a note over the weekend before I went to take a nap while the boy napped (after lunch). I listed what was in the fridge and what was in the cabinets. There is no need to wake me to ask if you can have something. If you see it, eat it. Please don’t turn on the oven. Microwaving is fine. Please read the label for the amount of time. If I am still sleeping and you become hungry again, please refer to the above because if you fucking wake me up I’m going to make you eat popcorn/apples/oranges/sunflower seeds/oatmeal/cookies/grapes/chips ALL AT ONCE.

Diana Holquist 4 years ago

“…in addition to being an expert ass wiper…”

loved this post from just this. The pic is gravy. Very, very yummy gravy.

Meredith Bland 4 years ago

Damn I love this.
I have gotten to the point where I no longer care what my kids eat so long as they get it themselves. “You know where the food is, kids. Go nuts. Which reminds me. Bring mommy some nuts.”

Tracy 4 years ago

Hey! Where did you get that picture of my kid’s head? 😉

Love it.

Mel 4 years ago

This research is absolute genius and I have no doubt that you will be nominated for the next Nobel.

Tracy Larson 4 years ago

So that explains why they forget other things! Like picking up their stuff around the house or their coat at school. I’ll leave notes in the goldfish cracker box to remind them. 😉

Jamie 4 years ago

Damn, you are good!!!

Motherhood on the Rocks 4 years ago

Awesome! But you forgot one…”waaahhh!” Ok. Now it’s complete!

Marinka 4 years ago

Coincidentally, this is also the working of my brain.

Amanda 4 years ago

100% accurate! And why do they have to bother each other so much? Why do they have to keep touching one another? A day where I don’t hear about someone touching someone else would be kind of nice.

Shate98 4 years ago

The magic cracker (ritz) solves half of those problems. :)

Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) 4 years ago

Hilarious. I think you need to do a mom’s version. Mine says: “I need a drink.”

Pam 4 years ago

OMG. They really are all the same, aren’t they?!?

Kate@zMOMbie 4 years ago

My little one is only 4mo…but as a former middle school math teacher, I’d say that’s still pretty accurate. :) I especially like the “she’s annoying me”. CLASSIC!

Anna 4 years ago

fantastic. this should be printed on postcards and given to new parents as they leave the hospital.

C @ Kid Things 4 years ago

Which really all leads to one question: How can I annoy the everloving shit out of my mom at the quickest rate possible?

    Karen 4 years ago


Humanmama 4 years ago

Incredible. You should apply for grants for further research.

    Scary Mommy 4 years ago

    Ohhhhh, you’re right. Duh!

Lynn from For Love or Funny 4 years ago

I always love to see your graphic designs. We should print them on t-shirts…you’d make a fortune!!

Nancinatorr 4 years ago

Nancinatorr @ sellabitmum ..and did you know to add the expected mind reader to your repertoire ?

Mama Kat 4 years ago

It’s gotten to the point where I just tell the kids to go eat something any time they say they’re hungry. And when they ask me what they can have I just say, “ANYTHING!…just STOP ASKING!”

Shirley 4 years ago

This is great my kids are still young but pretty sure we will get to this stage as well.

Rebeccah 4 years ago

The snacking. The ENDLESS effing snacking. GAAAAH…

tracy@sellabitmum 4 years ago

And don’t forget that they are asking you all of these things while you are trying to take a shower. Love this. xo

    Scary Mommy 4 years ago

    Of course, always. Or on the toilet.

Stephanie 4 years ago

I haven’t gotten to the “I’m hungry-I’m bored” stage yet. I figure we’ll just stuff a bunch of those balls they put dog treats in with pizza bites and we’ll have solved both problems.

    Mel 4 years ago

    Genius idea!

      Scary Mommy 4 years ago

      I can’t believe I never thought of that. Completely genius!

Suz 4 years ago

This is totally accurate. Most days, this is what my brain looks like too.

Jennifer 4 years ago

Absolutely genius.


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