Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
What started as an innocent on-line baby book to chronicle Jill's stay-at-home days with her children, (Lily, Ben, and Evan) quickly transformed into a vibrant community of parents, brought together by a common theme: Parenting doesn’t have to be perfect. Learn more here.
@scarymommy
NYT bestselling author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies). Fond of curse words, sarcasm and Diet Coke.
Need to read something beautiful today? Here you go... Choosing Moxie http://t.co/VxySsixDu7 - 2 hours ago
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Did you know that, in addition to being an expert ass wiper, superb sandwich maker, and multi-tasker extraordinaire, that I am also an esteemed scientist? I mean, how else would I be able to come up with this?
.
.
Years of clinical research, right here.
{ 57 comments… read them below or add one }
Absolutely genius.
Jennifer recently posted..(Butt) Crack is Whack
This is totally accurate. Most days, this is what my brain looks like too.
Suz recently posted..Party at My House
I haven’t gotten to the “I’m hungry-I’m bored” stage yet. I figure we’ll just stuff a bunch of those balls they put dog treats in with pizza bites and we’ll have solved both problems.
Genius idea!
Mel recently posted..Elevensies
I can’t believe I never thought of that. Completely genius!
And don’t forget that they are asking you all of these things while you are trying to take a shower. Love this. xo
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..When I’m Not Really Sure What I’m Doing Here..
Of course, always. Or on the toilet.
The snacking. The ENDLESS effing snacking. GAAAAH…
Rebeccah recently posted..Thank You
This is great my kids are still young but pretty sure we will get to this stage as well.
Shirley recently posted..The Best Time of my Weekends
It’s gotten to the point where I just tell the kids to go eat something any time they say they’re hungry. And when they ask me what they can have I just say, “ANYTHING!…just STOP ASKING!”
Mama Kat recently posted..Evolution of a Power Outage
Nancinatorr @ sellabitmum ..and did you know to add the expected mind reader to your repertoire ?
I always love to see your graphic designs. We should print them on t-shirts…you’d make a fortune!!
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..My favorite romance novels.
Incredible. You should apply for grants for further research.
Humanmama recently posted..what did you say?
Ohhhhh, you’re right. Duh!
Which really all leads to one question: How can I annoy the everloving shit out of my mom at the quickest rate possible?
C @ Kid Things recently posted..Pants Are Where It’s At
Amen!
fantastic. this should be printed on postcards and given to new parents as they leave the hospital.
Anna recently posted..What I’m Thinking About on Sunday Night: My First World Problems, Colossal Art and Dim Sum
My little one is only 4mo…but as a former middle school math teacher, I’d say that’s still pretty accurate. :) I especially like the “she’s annoying me”. CLASSIC!
Kate@zMOMbie recently posted..Baby in a Bar – We were those people.
OMG. They really are all the same, aren’t they?!?
Hilarious. I think you need to do a mom’s version. Mine says: “I need a drink.”
Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) recently posted..Comment on A Fun Intrepretation of the Year of the Dragon by educlaytion
The magic cracker (ritz) solves half of those problems. :)
Shate98 recently posted..January 22, 2012 ~ When Dogs Attack
100% accurate! And why do they have to bother each other so much? Why do they have to keep touching one another? A day where I don’t hear about someone touching someone else would be kind of nice.
Amanda recently posted..Oatmeal Dreams
Coincidentally, this is also the working of my brain.
Marinka recently posted..Miami
Awesome! But you forgot one…”waaahhh!” Ok. Now it’s complete!
Motherhood on the Rocks recently posted..I OWE MY MOTHER AN APOLOGY
Damn, you are good!!!
So that explains why they forget other things! Like picking up their stuff around the house or their coat at school. I’ll leave notes in the goldfish cracker box to remind them. ;)
Tracy Larson recently posted..Dear Fairy Godmother – I Need Help With the Clutter
This research is absolute genius and I have no doubt that you will be nominated for the next Nobel.
Mel recently posted..Elevensies
Hey! Where did you get that picture of my kid’s head? ;)
Love it.
Tracy recently posted..Does your kid name-call?
Damn I love this.
I have gotten to the point where I no longer care what my kids eat so long as they get it themselves. “You know where the food is, kids. Go nuts. Which reminds me. Bring mommy some nuts.”
Meredith Bland recently posted..This is why I should not participate.
“…in addition to being an expert ass wiper…”
loved this post from just this. The pic is gravy. Very, very yummy gravy.
I wrote my girls a note over the weekend before I went to take a nap while the boy napped (after lunch). I listed what was in the fridge and what was in the cabinets. There is no need to wake me to ask if you can have something. If you see it, eat it. Please don’t turn on the oven. Microwaving is fine. Please read the label for the amount of time. If I am still sleeping and you become hungry again, please refer to the above because if you fucking wake me up I’m going to make you eat popcorn/apples/oranges/sunflower seeds/oatmeal/cookies/grapes/chips ALL AT ONCE.
Arnebya recently posted..Writer’s Workshop: No Butt Marks
Once again, you got it 100% right!
Love it.
Carolyn recently posted..Linguine with Shrimp and Lemon Oil
Your graphics make my day! I think that degree paid off, if not just for us. :)
I LOVE this– it’s all of my kids, every day!!!!
OK. Now I really feel like an ass because I’m not so sure that’s not my head you have there.
Carrie recently posted..For the love of God, tell me there are worse things in life.
My kid hasn’t reached the I’m hungry all the time stage yet, but I think I’m gonna counter that by leaving food all over the house from now on.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..January, Captured
haha! you forgot :”there’s nothing on t.v. i don’t like that anymore. those are for babies. i don’t like that color. this tastes funny. you’re gross.”
but, i must say, your chart WAS scientifically accurate.
Story of my life. Ugh.
Carri recently posted..Instagram is My Crack
Eleven year-old boys really are hungry all the time. Ok, not all the time but he is getting there. Fortunately mom is considered to be the better person to hit up for food so….
Jack@TheJackB recently posted..I Wrote This For You
You are missing the most important one “can I watch another show?”
Marta recently posted..Review: Bobiam Artistic Streetwear
Doh!!! You are so right. And, can I play a computer game.
Bahaha, love it. You need to make one for babies so those of us who aren’t at the kid stage yet can relate.
Jessica@MakingHomeSweeter recently posted..Spicy Bean & Rice Burrito
Oh! Next graphic idea!
OMG You must have grabbed my now 10yo son for this study. He is SO like this BWAHAHAHAHA. He’s like 70lbs soaking wet and can out-eat me, his dad AND his teen sister (nearlly combined!). He’s ALWAYS HUNGRY.
I am so fucking scared of the teen years with him. At least his sister will be away at college so it will be like we’re still feeding 2 kids.
Headacheslayer recently posted..Welcome to The Crafty Angel!
Oh lordy. Kids and boredom. Don’t even get me started. Boredom is their best friend–but they just don’t realize it yet. Boredom is the marker of affluence. To be bored means you’re one of the lucky ones–the ones that has time and space to play and be.
But this kind of logic does no good. My kids are 6 and 9, not 35. They don’t get it. So they’re bored. And perhaps mildly hungry. Just like yours–and apparently everyone else’s–so that’s kind of a relief.
Team Suzanne recently posted..What happens when a mime can’t find a circus
“She’s annoying me” and “I’m hungry” — those are the ones that rank highest at our house. And, of course, the ever popular “I forgot”
Julie Kenner recently posted..Forget “Hi, Bob!” – my kids inspire my own drinking games…
Amazing how selective their memories can be. They must get it from their fathers.
No “my newest plot to take over the world”? That was what I was most looking forward to in having kids. Total bummer.
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..Project Life, Awkward Style (Week One)
(snicker)
:-)
Rachel – A Southern Fairytale recently posted..Turkey Taco Salad
Genius!!
Now that’s nice use of the infographic!
Nap Warden (Cynthia) recently posted..Party for The Big Game
Jill, you really are a Jack of all Trades!
abnormalmommy recently posted..Missing My Alarm Clock
Oops, the brain of a child? I think this is mine right now.
Not much going on, very hungry and not much going on.
Mama and the City recently posted..What I Didn’t Know About My Mother
LMAO@ being an expert ass wiper. I long for the day that my youngest can clean his own behind without his drawers looking like someone wrapped a melted hershey’s kiss in the seat of them. You are right on the money with that illustration, although I I would also add “oops, I broke mom’s *insert ridiculously expensive item here*”.
Bohemian Hijabi recently posted..The Talk
Ha! I could just imagine what your TEEN graphic will be like. Looking forward to that one ;)
Vanessa
Vanessa Jubis recently posted..My Scary Monster
Wait, is this the right brain or the left brain. I get a whole bunch of There Is Nothing To Do.
well, on the days he is grounded from video games anyway.
Pam
Pam recently posted..Calgon Take Me Away – GTD and Super Busy Moms
Hilarious!! And so true……