The Jerk and The Wonder – Scary Mommy

The Jerk and The Wonder

(Inspired by Judy Blume’s The Pain and The Great One which applies to my two older children just as much as it did myself and my brother, almost 30 years ago.)

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THE JERK

My brother is a jerk.

He sleeps on Mommy’s couch every night even though
he has his very own room with a big bunk bed all to himself.
I have to sleep in my own bed just because I am older
which isn’t fair at all, since I slept in my own
room when I was his age.

In the morning, he wakes up first
which means that he gets to pick the show
so I am forced to watch things like Batman
and Star Wars even though I don’t like them much at all.
Plus, he hogs the blanket so that my legs are cold
even though I wear a nightgown and he wears pajamas
that have bottoms so his legs are really never cold anyway.

He should have to pick out his own clothes like I do.
He’s five.
He’s going into kindergarten.
He’s old enough to pick out an outfit just like me.
But he’s so pokey
that Mommy has to do it for him,
or he’d never get ready in time.

He cries when I pinch him even if he hit me first.
Then Mommy gets mad and yells at me
even though I was just getting back at him in the first place.
So what if my pinching was much harder?
I’m just stronger.

At dinner, I have to eat seven bites of new food
because I am seven but he only has to eat one or
two even though he is five, which doesn’t make any sense at all.

He always blows bubbles in his milk, but I’m the one who gets
in trouble just because my milk is the one to spill over
since my bubbles are bigger. It’s not my fault I can
fit more air in my cheeks.

When he plays tennis or baseball,
Mommy and Daddy are always so impressed
when he hits the ball the way he does,
which really isn’t all that impressive, anyway.
I’m just saving my arm strength for when
I really need it. Like hitting him.

His bear smells like dirty feet and Mommy
is always saying how he’s the best stuffed
animal in the house, even though I love
my stuffed animals just as much as he
loves his stupid bear. And I know he’s
not really alive, anyway.

I don’t understand
How Mommy can say that
The Jerk is sweet and adorable.
She’s always kissing him
And hugging him
And doing disgusting things
Like that.
And Daddy says
The Jerk is so cool.

Yuck.

I think they love him better
than me.

————————————————————

THE WONDER

My sister thinks she’s
so wonderful just because
she’s older
Which makes Daddy
and Mommy think
She’s really special.
But I know the truth.
My sister’s a brat.

She thinks she’s so wonderful
Just because she can
read stories all by herself
And the words she reads are the real ones
and not made up ones like I say when I read a book.
But, I like my words better,
even if they only make sense to me.

My sister thinks she’s so wonderful
Just because she can draw pictures
that actually look like people and buildings and pets.
My pictures are just as good even if nobody knows
what they are supposed to be.

Mommy is always ooohing and ahhing
over her pictures and framing them in real frames
while mine just get thumb-tacked onto the cork-board
in the kitchen where nobody can see them.
So, sometimes, I scribble on hers.
It’s only fair.

My sister thinks she’s so wonderful
Just because she can ride her bike up and down
the street all by herself without falling
and Mommy doesn’t go running after her
yelling “look both ways!” and “pay attention!”

It’s not fair that my sister gets to play teacher
when we play school and zoo-keeper when we play zoo
and counselor when we play camp. Just because she thinks
of the games doesn’t mean she should be allowed to make up
all the rules herself. She’s so bossy.

And, why does she get to have play-dates
every single day, just because she has friends
who live right next door? It’s not fair that all
of my friends live a half hour away and
I hardly ever get to see them outside of
school and camp.

And, it’s not fair that Mommy and Daddy
always do things alone with her, but I get
stuck doing things with my little brother, too,
just because we’re both boys.

Then Mom kisses my sister
And tickles her neck
And does other disgusting things
Like that.
And Daddy says
my sister is the one
who made them a family.

YUCK!

I think they love her better than me.