Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
I’ve been in the trenches with little kids for a while now. Car seats and Pull-Ups and picture books and plastic mattress pads and grilled cheese sandwiches have been my life for the past eight years. Slowly, one by one, those things are all making their way out of the house in return for some new things that accompany growing kids, instead of little ones. Some of those things are very good, like the ability to fend for themselves in the morning, and some are very bad, like the fact that I am quickly becoming the most embarrassing parent in the world.
Recently, I’ve been asked by my daughter to wait inside for bus drop off instead of escorting her to the door, to change my outfit on three separate occasions and not play music while there are other kids in the house. If my own history is any indication, we have at least a decade of this crap ahead of us. Instead of moping over this development, though, I’ve decided to embrace it. If they’re going to think I’m the most embarrassing parent in the world, I will be the most embarrassing parent in the world, dammit.
Here’s what I’ve come up with so far…
20. Blast Broadway show tunes and belt out every last word, with the windows wide open.
19. Send elaborate love letters in lunch boxes.
18. Chaperone a field trip wearing a “Team Lily” t-shirt.
17. Cheer loudly and animatedly at sporting events.
16. Carry adorable, naked baby pictures everywhere and whip them out to complete strangers.
15. Talk in goofy, made-up foreign accents to their friends.
14. Answer the door wearing a bright green face mask and plastic shower cap.
13. Dance like a crazy person when 80′s music comes on in the grocery store.
12. Dance at all, ever.
11. Use silly pet names in public. Loudly.
10. Force them to wear matching outfits for holiday photos.
9. Label their clothing with smiley face hearts around their names.
8. Shower them in constant kisses, wherever we may be.
7. Pick their noses.
6. Welcome the bus with a fully choreographed cheer.
5. Yell “I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!” at the top of my lungs as the bus drives off.
4. Use saliva to wipe off their dirty faces.
3. Wear a bathrobe and slippers to school pick up.
2. Maintain my blog.
1. Breathe. (I’m thinking that’s probably enough.)
{ 89 comments… read them below or add one }
One of my favorite is to blast “It’s Tricky” from Run D.M.C. when picking up the girl from middle school and getting out of the car for some poppin’ and locking. The LOVE when that happens!!
That’s awesome! My Hubster dances to no music out front when the kids are giving him crap. He always waits for a car or a neighbor we know to be walking by and of course he makes very sure they and our kids see it!
MommaC recently posted..Late Night Phone Calls AND Insensitive Family
My hubs knows the thriller choreography by heart, and he is not afraid to use it!
Love it! In my house, mom has become a three syllable word
My father used to call me and my sister “girls.” That was in three syllables as well. Why we were ever given names, I have no idea.
June O’Hara recently posted..False Alarm
Love these. Mine are too little, but I’m bookmarking for future use!
Oh yeah…My fave’s #11 — Nothing like calling my 5’8′ teenage son “Punkin” in front of his friends :)
Kimberly recently posted..Just One Voice on the Page – August 2012
I constantly threaten to hold up signs at their sporting events with their nicknames on them… Funny how they want to hear those names when they are upset & crying!! Luckily they still like the love letters in the lunch boxes, but with the oldest finishing elementary school this year, it might be my last one.
Is it wrong of me to admit that I’m looking forward to embarass the hell out of mine? I think of it as some sort of payback for their terrible toddler antics.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Wordfull wednesday: growing up
I am too! I actually got goosebumps readng that list. Payback for all the times they did something like yell in the grocery store, “Mommy why is that lady so FAT?” or “Mommy look at that man! He’s in a wheel chair! Are his legs broken?”…
This is going to be GREAT. Especially because I remember my own mom doing most of these, and I can laugh hysterically about it now but at the time I.Was.Mortified. The circle of life :)
Sarah recently posted..When your kid gets hurt (even a little)
It’s not wrong, it’s payback! Right on! :) This post had me cracking up so hard this morning.
Kate@zMOMbie recently posted..Upcycling Day 29 – Toothpaste Tube to Tooth Fairy Pouch #freefromtrash
Oh, we have earned this! No guilt.
Awesome! My dad used to stick straws up his nose and pretend to be a walrus in restaurants to embarass me.
Pretty much anything I do devastates my tween/teen. They favor the phrase “like a boss” so now I do everything possible to use it in front of their friends. Always good for a giggle.
The Team Lily shirt idea is genius!!!
My hubby says he’s going to take her to the mall in high black socks and sandals when the time comes.
Jessica W. recently posted..Birthday party decorations
Ohhh, that’s a good one!
Oy, my dad used to do this! Except it wasn’t to embarrass me, he actually dressed like that! Lol
Maybe I am not grasping the whole embarassing thing as a parent because my parents were not an embarassment to me. Mine were fortunately the COOL parents who other kids wanted to have as their parents. I am trying to emulate them and hopefully not embarass my kid in the process!
Growing up, my friend’s dad had a Pinto that he had since he was 16yo and he refused to get rid of it. When he learned it embarrassed the kids he stopped driving his nice car and started picking them up from school and sports practices in the Pinto. One day my friend saw him driving up after practice in it and was so embarrassed, that she ran to the car before he could fully enter the parking lot. After she got in he still drove into the parking lot and did donuts LOL. He waved and then took off with my friend sitting as low as possible in the front seat.
Amazing!
Lol! I can totally picture this! Cracked me up. :)
THAT is hilarious
Probably one of the few things i look forward to about my daughter becoming a teen is getting to pull crap like this at every opportunity I get! Love the t-shirt idea!
Felicia recently posted..Layered Statement Bracelet (OOAK, stacking bracelet, layered jewelry, statement jewelry, gift for her) by AlicesEyesDC
love your blog. I wear dentures and my fav way to get even is showing up at the school without my dentures and making sure I speak to each of their friends. :)
This is purely awesome. That is all.
My dad used to take my sis and I shopping every Christmas Eve to get my mom some last minute gifts (but I think it was more to get us out of my mom’s hair while she was getting things done!) and he would wear a Santa hat and sing Christmas songs at the top of his lungs while walking through the mall, and he greeted everyone with “Ho Ho Ho”…it was soooo embarrassing at the time…can’t wait to do things like this to my boys when they get older!! ;)
I used to do the “Running Man” in my robe on the porch while they got on the bus if they acted ugly or gripey in the morning! LOL!!
Love it! And the thing is, when they are grown-ups and remember that Mom is the most awesome person ever, they will think you were so funny. Like fine wine or imported cheese, these pranks will get better with age!
Scroogy recently posted..Laid bare
O.M.Goodness…you are too funny! I have not hit that point with my oldest (she’s 12) yet but I will keep this in mind in case she does…awesome!
The best revenge is to have your children’s friends LOVE you! My teenagers friends want to come over here, they want to live here, they call me Mama. I act cool and try to dress nicely for all of their school functions, drive a “cool” car, listen to top hits music. My own kids may “hate” me most of the time (3 of 5 are teenagers so I expect it) but the best revenge is when they tell their friends how mad they are at me, the friends say…you have the coolest, best mom, quit talking smack about her! I am their parent, not their friend BUT I don’t have to be their friends parent HAHA!!
You are ABSOLUTELY right! We always stocked plenty of snacks, and encouraged kids to “make themselves at home!” We always invited our kids’ friends to stay for meals and family outings. You often learn more from other kids, than from your own, about what’s going on. (I have fond memories of glancing in the rearview mirror to the backseat as my kids were frantically trying to silence their friends who were “spilling their guts” to me!) At 22 and 23, our kids’ friends still congregate here every time our kids are home, and they sometimes stop by anyway!
It is the best revenge and the best way to keep up with where your children are, what they’re doing, and who they’re hanging out with. All the other kids want you to be the chauffeur & chaperone (which can get annoying). You can also guarantee that someone is going to say something about what they were really doing when they were supposed to be at the “library”!
That’s my new goal in life. :)
This is excellent advice! I am filing it away for definite implementation. :)
I have been putting together a picture book of really embarrassing photos of them… not just naked baby pics but also other things they did that I felt the need to capture.. I call it my “special” book. It will be brought out when their are boyfriends over or used as punishment if they dont obey. I am also investing in lots of bubba teeth and overalls in the event I need to pick them up from somewhere they werent supposed to be in the forst place.
LOL. I did this with my 4 adult children. It was fun. It came back to bite me in the butt though. My car would not start on a day I had a dr. appt. My 26yr old daughter offered to take me to my appt. She had an errand to run near the dr’s. office so she dropped me at the door. As I was about to walk up the sidewalk she yelled. In her best southern hick accent. “Now Momma, I’ll be back to git you in just a little bit! Do not leave the dr’s office!” “Did you hear me Momma?”
When I was checking out I walked back in to a VERY crowded reception waiting area. Made eye contact with my daughter all the way across the room……thankfully she decided it’d be too much to do something there. LOL She said she’d give me a break but I better watch out.
I taught her well.
LMAO!!
Mental note made…mine are still too little, but those days are just around the corner :) I can hardly wait
Heidi Bryan recently posted..Mommy hell…
Seriously I so love embarrassing my children. Now I know why my mom always had that weird sneaky smile on her face whenever my friends were around. xo
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..Attention Shoppers
I love embarrassing my kids.
I have the perfect little hello kitty cupcake toppers I’m going to use when my sons get to be tweens and I host school snack day.
Deb recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Flamenco Dance
Just posted this link on my baby girl’s Facebook wall. Told her I will ALWAYS continue to CAR DANCE to the 80s — no matter how much she protests. And in the grocery check-out line. And call her Pickles and Spanky and Petunia….And wait for the bus… (insert evil laugh here …..)
Lori recently posted..On "three" …
Lori I posted on my daughters wall too.. A group of her friends yelled from the sidewalk that I’m crazy…oops
Ashley recently posted..Ridiculousness award?
I knew this motherhood gig wasn’t just about the hard stuff. I am so bookmarking this list.
OMG… these crack me up!!! I was the cool mom when my kids were in highschool…. but very sure there were times when I must have totally embarrassed them in front of their friends. I now have 3 grandchildren…need to keep these handy in case I feel the need to use a little payback…or just have fun in public with them….lol…
Also, hold hands with your husband or significant other and give them a kiss in fromt of their friends!
viridian61 recently posted..MOO Giveaway with Viridian’s Postcard Blog
What?!?! Cleaning their faces with saliva is off-limits? ;-)
My oldest brother was kind of embarrassing his kids. I once dropped by at their house, as he was leaving to “chaperone” their skating party. He had glow in the dark MC Hammer pants on. I’m being totally serious here. I did all I could to get him to change his pants, but no luck. My poor nieces and nephew.
Kmama recently posted..First Day of 2nd Grade
Hilarious!! I haven’t reached the embarrassing parent part yet but I’m sure I will! =)
Anna Hettick recently posted..Weekly Pinterest Finds | 1
I love this list and plan on using every one but I have to wonder… will this list work as well on boys as girls?
Jen recently posted..Dance Dance Dance
I think the kissing applies best to boys.
Oh! I also get to use this skill in my favor. If she doesn’t get up in the morning for school, I tell her I will go outside and wait for the bus in my pajamas. Works every time.
Lori recently posted..On "three" …
I think I covered a chunk of those but sorry I neglected a few!
“Elaborate love letters” — That is beyond excellent.
Meredith recently posted..Craft Wars: The best show on TV with both Tori Spelling and crafters.
OR, you could combine #16 and #18 and make tee shirts with their naked pictures printed on the front AND back… or is that illegal? Either way, so worth the embarrassment.
Ohhhhh! I do have the cutest tush shots of them. Hmmmmm…
love the list! When they hit those teen years it is pay back time and you can really have some fun.
This one is my favorite 5. Yell “I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!” at the top of my lungs as the bus drives off.
I have one that i did to my daughter when she was 14. We were at the mall and there were some boys looking at her and enjoying what they were seeing. I just looked at them and said, “She looks good, but you need to realize she is retarded.” They moved on and she was ready to dis own me.
Thanks for the great post when it comes to those pay backs for the our cute little curtain climbers.
debbie
Debbie recently posted..Setup Instructions for v2.2 Lite
Priceless!
I have one to add -
When my boys were 8-10 and 11, I remarried and horror of horrors – I got pregnant.
Obviously, I had “done it.” with my new husband who had never had a child. For me, three was enough – but -
I was forbidden to come to the school – or if I had to – I had to stay in the car. Of course, I was not to be seen.
After my fourth son was born, it all changed. I don’t think his feet ever touched the ground until he was two.
They adored him. And all my kids’ friends did too.
Corinne Edwards recently posted..WALKING OFF THE GRID – Are We Spiritual Yet? – now on Amazon
Oh boy! I have to say that is just mean… I would never do that to my teenage son..
I love your list! If you ever update it, you might want to add:
Posting on your kids’ Facebook walls, and tagging them in pictures!
LOL! Your sense of humor is the best tool in your toolbox! Don’t lose that, and you’ll be fine! Stay the Course! It’s worth it. I enjoy your posts, and have been following you for a while!
To encourage you, this time in your life WILL fly by, like everyone tells you! My kids are now 21 and almost 23, and it seems like last week when I was in your shoes. I finally KNOW that all the efforts we have put into “family time,” and maintaining traditions are worth it, because my children are taking up my “traditions cause!” The kids chastise me if I forget to do some little thing that we have “always” done! (Where are the mashed potatoes? You ALWAYS fix mashed potatoes at Christmas!) My kids have finally gotten over being mortified that I like to dress our family alike for holidays. Now they want to participate in choosing our family’s matching Christmas pajamas or 4th of July t-shirts–and they want us to buy them for all their friends, too! If you’d like to see a photo of part of our group last Christmas: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151109921547239&set=a.10151109920822239.415572.714557238&type=3&theater
Great list! In response to my daughter’s recent aversion to nudity I’ve started wandering around the house in various states of undress. I’m hoping it’ll nudge her towards a healthy body image but so far it’s just nudging her to say things like “Please put some clothes on, Mom!”
Johanna recently posted..I Wanna Hold Your Hand
Walmart/Target beauty aisle. 80′s music playing. Grab one curling iron, or brush, or whathaveyou and follow them up and down the aisles belting out said musak using curling iron as a makeshift mic. Add some 80s style dancing. A fun time had by at least me! LOL!
If my DD5 ever tries to tell me to change my outfit I have dozens of photos of her ill advised outfit choices stored on my phone that I am prepared to whip out and use as proof the actually she has no fashion sense either. Hell if she really gets on my nerves I might ‘accidentally’ email them to her friends.
I also love to grab her arms and make her dance along (badly) to the music while she stands there mortified and rolls her eyes at me.
Actually as I start thinking of all the embarrassing things I do/ will do to her it has suddenly dawned on me… OMG I’m turning into my mother.
I can remember that my mum always felt spontaneously like getting me ice creams after a dentist visit!! Had I known it was for her own sick amusement I may have passed up the messy treat on offer!
I can laugh about it now, but I do remember getting home from the bus trip and seeing ice-cream all down my neck, chin and front of my shirt, of course my face was numb so I had no idea!! I was hoping I’d be able to refrain from embarrassing my kids, but it’s a bit more fun than I’d ever imagined!!
Love it!
Corey Feldman recently posted..Sophie the Mouse King
My kids aren’t old enough for this yet, but I’m going to print, frame, and save this….. although, it brings back memories of my mom’s HOT pink, too short sweat pants – yikes.
Kelly recently posted..Wake Training your Husband
if all else fails….use the Carlton dance from Fresh Prince of Bellair! =P That will for sure set them off!!
The movie “Uncle Buck” comes to mind when I read this! haha
Team Lily.
Best. Evah.
I’m placing an order now…except I think you’ll need seven. One for every day of the week, but in different colors of course…ala the days of the week underwear from the GAP.
You’re welcome, Lily.
Francesca recently posted..Paris in Photos & More From #Staycation
You are my hero :)
I’ve done everything but numbers 3, 4, and 7. It really gets fun when they become full blown teens. Now I’m a grandma with a 13 and 12 year old still at home. So it’s like I’m still raising my 4 kids.
HYSTERICAL!!! Love your devious mind!
Teri
Snarkfest
Teri recently posted..stupid pet tricks
This is awesome. I wish I could think of more but you really covered all of them. Although, my mom used to walk us to the door when she brought us to friend’s houses (to make sure their parents were actually home) and I about died every time. Feel free to use that one!
Alaina recently posted..Breaking News.
Blast show tunes…LOL!
In the sixth grade, I had a crush on a kid. We were talking about him over dinner when he called about a homework assignment. My mother answered and said, “Oh, Andy! We were just talking about you!”
Who does that??
June O’Hara recently posted..False Alarm
Don’t forget to wear black socks and white sneakers with your favorite shorts. But the #1 thing you can do – make out with their Dad in public!!!!!
You make me thinking that do I need to become a mom this year. It seems there are many responsibilities to take over.
Carol Scott recently posted..Rock Hard Erection: How to get it naturally?
I’m pretty sure my mom did most of these things. Once I was in high school, I embraced it. There are still people with whom I graduated who say how grateful they were that they could always hear my mom at band competitions because it felt good to know that someone was cheering for us. I would say that I hope your kids feel the same way, but I wouldn’t want to spoil your fun!
Mine are still little, and I look forward to the lower-maintenance grade school years. Am I disillusioned? In any case, I’m studying up to prepare.
Mine is 14 and I started embarrassing her asap. She endures it with good humor and isn’t surprised with anything new I come up with. Makes me laugh and builds character!
I wonder if this technique could be used for behavior modification? For instance:
Your tween/teen thinks you are the most embarrassing thing IN THE WORLD.
Your tween/teen adopts a behavior that drives you up the wall.
You adopt same said behavior, thereby de-legitimizing it in your tween/teen’s eyes.
Behavior dropped.
Happy Scary Mommy.
Oh yeah my kids know better then to irritate me while their friends are around!!! And we have special “mommy rules” that apply during certain situations, such as… While dropping them off someplace.. Anyplace, I will always tell my kids while I am parking that I love them. Now this leaves them with either one of two options… They can either say it back in the privacy of our own car or the alternative. Which my boys learned in jr. High they decided that they were to cool to say that to me so I waited until they were half way to the door and their friends were all gathered around them and I got out of the car and started yelling at the top of my lungs “I love you boys!!!” repeatedly until they turned around and said it back to me!!!! I never got ignored with the love you’s since!!! Lol
One of the first times my 11 yr old whispered, “Mommy, you’re embarrassing me” was in Target. I’d been humming along to Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody. She said that and at the next song, I proceeded to dance the entire damn video of New Edition’s If It Isn’t Love in the middle of the store. YOU DON’T KNOW ME, LITTLE GIRL. I live for this shit.
Arnebya recently posted..My Son Still Uses a Pacifier at Night. There, I Said It.
I love what you come up. This is very amazing idea.
Allison Ward recently posted..Use Male Enhancement Pills and Be Sexually Fulfilled
I love your attitude because you are so right. We can NOT win. No matter what we do, we will be THAT mom in their eyes. So why not do what we feel instead of trying to change our behavior to be less embarrassing because that is impossible. You may have just changed my life. Thank you.
Christine @ Quasi Agitato recently posted..Hangin’ With Scary Mommy.
I love this list!! My kids are used to me being goofy so they just laugh when I do anything. They will even dance in the store with me. My DD is 12 and all her friends love coming to me, I’m the pierced and tattoo’d mom which makes Me awesome. Pretty sure my DS 11 is going to be the one I embarrass eventually…I can’t wait!!
My dad used to greet my dates wearing bib overalls, stinky and sweaty white wife-beaters, chewing tobacco juice running out of his mouth…and he would fart. Yes. Dates a plenty? Not so much!
The best thing he ever did was when I brought a boyfriend home (he was a really large guy) my dad took him on a tour of our family property. In a golf cart. And made him sit on a cinderblock — in the BACK of the cart. Every time we went over a bump, he made the guy get out “so the tough stuff won’t be so tough”.
I don’t think said boyfriend thought it was funny…but my Daddy sure did.
This is funny. I enjoy.
Kat Wesley recently posted..End Premature Ejaculation and Last Longer in Bed with Natural Male Supplements
Why do you want to humiliate your daughter? Because that is what you are doing and she is going to hate you for life – take it from experience. My parents were so embarrassing when I was a child and I never got over it. For example, I played soccer for a bit and during one game I got hit in the head with the ball (I played goalie); I wasn’t crying, bleeding, or unconscious (I wish) and yet both my parents run out onto the field and humiliated me in front of the ENTIRE TOWN! I am still angry that they did that and that was a long time ago.
I suggest you just face the fact that your daughter is a human being and deserves some respect. Sure you cannot give in to all her demands, but what she is asking for is very small. She wants some independence by waiting for the bus on her own, what’s wrong with that? And as for the music – would you want to listen to music you hate? Probably not. So of course she would prefer you not play it in front of her friends. As for outfits – as long as you don’t look like a slob or are wearing VERY dated/inappropriate clothing, I wouldn’t change anything – you do owe her the respect to look nice though (would you let her leave the house dressed in certain ways?)
She’s going to be SO mad! I hope you’re kidding:) Because quite honestly, at this age, it is actually biological changes occurring in her brain that are responsible for her behavior. And she has no control over it. In the field (I’m a child psychologist), this period of development is referred to as “being on stage.” Given all of the physiological changes that are on over drive within the brain, it causes kids to feel as if they are being observed constantly.
The Mommy Psychologist recently posted..I Learned It By Watching You