How to be the Most Embarrassing Parent in the World

97 Comments

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I’ve been in the trenches with little kids for a while now. Car seats and Pull-Ups and picture books and plastic mattress pads and grilled cheese sandwiches have been my life for the past eight years. Slowly, one by one, those things are all making their way out of the house in return for some new things that accompany bigger kids, instead of little ones. Some of those things are very good, like the ability to fend for themselves in the morning, and some are very bad,  like the fact that I am quickly becoming the most embarrassing parent in the world.

Recently, I’ve been asked by my daughter to wait inside for bus drop off instead of escorting her to the door, to change my outfit on three separate occasions and not play music while there are other kids in the house. If my own history is any indication, we have at least a decade of this crap ahead of us. Instead of moping over this development, though, I’ve decided to embrace it. If they’re going to think I’m the most embarrassing parent in the world, I will be the most embarrassing parent in the world, dammit.

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far…

1. Blast Broadway show tunes and belt out every last word, with the windows wide open.

2. Send elaborate love letters in lunch boxes.

3. Chaperone a field trip wearing a “Team Lily” t-shirt.

4. Cheer loudly and animatedly at sporting events.

5. Carry adorable, naked baby pictures everywhere and whip them out to complete strangers.

6. Talk in goofy, made-up foreign accents to their friends.

7. Answer the door wearing a bright green face mask and plastic shower cap.

8. Dance like a crazy person when 80′s music comes on in the grocery store.

9. Dance at all, ever.

10. Use silly pet names in public. Loudly.

11. Force them to wear matching outfits for holiday photos.

12. Label their clothing with smiley face hearts around their names.

13. Shower them in constant kisses, wherever we may be.

14. Pick their noses.

15. Welcome the bus with a fully choreographed cheer.

16. Yell “I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!” at the top of my lungs as the bus drives off.

17.  Use saliva to wipe off their dirty faces.

18. Wear a bathrobe and slippers to school pick up.

19. Maintain my blog.

20. Breathe. (I’m thinking that’s probably enough.)

Comments

  1. 1

    Mom Off Meth says

    One of my favorite is to blast “It’s Tricky” from Run D.M.C. when picking up the girl from middle school and getting out of the car for some poppin’ and locking. The LOVE when that happens!!

    • 2

      MommaC says

      That’s awesome! My Hubster dances to no music out front when the kids are giving him crap. He always waits for a car or a neighbor we know to be walking by and of course he makes very sure they and our kids see it!

    • 5

      June O'Hara says

      My father used to call me and my sister “girls.” That was in three syllables as well. Why we were ever given names, I have no idea.

    • 7

      Courtney says

      I am expecting my first and am saving it too. This is great, especially considering that I was that kid less than a decade ago.

  2. 8

    Kimberly says

    Oh yeah…My fave’s #11 — Nothing like calling my 5’8′ teenage son “Punkin” in front of his friends :)

  3. 9

    Erin says

    I constantly threaten to hold up signs at their sporting events with their nicknames on them… Funny how they want to hear those names when they are upset & crying!! Luckily they still like the love letters in the lunch boxes, but with the oldest finishing elementary school this year, it might be my last one.

  4. 10

    Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes says

    Is it wrong of me to admit that I’m looking forward to embarass the hell out of mine? I think of it as some sort of payback for their terrible toddler antics.

    • 11

      Sarah says

      I am too! I actually got goosebumps readng that list. Payback for all the times they did something like yell in the grocery store, “Mommy why is that lady so FAT?” or “Mommy look at that man! He’s in a wheel chair! Are his legs broken?”…

      This is going to be GREAT. Especially because I remember my own mom doing most of these, and I can laugh hysterically about it now but at the time I.Was.Mortified. The circle of life :)

  5. 14

    Nicole says

    Awesome! My dad used to stick straws up his nose and pretend to be a walrus in restaurants to embarass me.

  6. 15

    JenniferG says

    Pretty much anything I do devastates my tween/teen. They favor the phrase “like a boss” so now I do everything possible to use it in front of their friends. Always good for a giggle.

  7. 17

    Jessica W. says

    My hubby says he’s going to take her to the mall in high black socks and sandals when the time comes.

  8. 20

    Vicki says

    Maybe I am not grasping the whole embarassing thing as a parent because my parents were not an embarassment to me. Mine were fortunately the COOL parents who other kids wanted to have as their parents. I am trying to emulate them and hopefully not embarass my kid in the process!

  9. 21

    Brianna says

    Growing up, my friend’s dad had a Pinto that he had since he was 16yo and he refused to get rid of it. When he learned it embarrassed the kids he stopped driving his nice car and started picking them up from school and sports practices in the Pinto. One day my friend saw him driving up after practice in it and was so embarrassed, that she ran to the car before he could fully enter the parking lot. After she got in he still drove into the parking lot and did donuts LOL. He waved and then took off with my friend sitting as low as possible in the front seat.

  10. 25

    Felicia says

    Probably one of the few things i look forward to about my daughter becoming a teen is getting to pull crap like this at every opportunity I get! Love the t-shirt idea!

  11. 26

    karen dees says

    love your blog. I wear dentures and my fav way to get even is showing up at the school without my dentures and making sure I speak to each of their friends. :)

  12. 28

    Tracy says

    My dad used to take my sis and I shopping every Christmas Eve to get my mom some last minute gifts (but I think it was more to get us out of my mom’s hair while she was getting things done!) and he would wear a Santa hat and sing Christmas songs at the top of his lungs while walking through the mall, and he greeted everyone with “Ho Ho Ho”…it was soooo embarrassing at the time…can’t wait to do things like this to my boys when they get older!! ;)

  13. 29

    Rhonda says

    I used to do the “Running Man” in my robe on the porch while they got on the bus if they acted ugly or gripey in the morning! LOL!!

  14. 30

    Scroogy says

    Love it! And the thing is, when they are grown-ups and remember that Mom is the most awesome person ever, they will think you were so funny. Like fine wine or imported cheese, these pranks will get better with age!

  15. 31

    Kat Mateus says

    O.M.Goodness…you are too funny! I have not hit that point with my oldest (she’s 12) yet but I will keep this in mind in case she does…awesome!

  16. 32

    Colleen says

    The best revenge is to have your children’s friends LOVE you! My teenagers friends want to come over here, they want to live here, they call me Mama. I act cool and try to dress nicely for all of their school functions, drive a “cool” car, listen to top hits music. My own kids may “hate” me most of the time (3 of 5 are teenagers so I expect it) but the best revenge is when they tell their friends how mad they are at me, the friends say…you have the coolest, best mom, quit talking smack about her! I am their parent, not their friend BUT I don’t have to be their friends parent HAHA!!

    • 33

      Jamie Wyatt says

      You are ABSOLUTELY right! We always stocked plenty of snacks, and encouraged kids to “make themselves at home!” We always invited our kids’ friends to stay for meals and family outings. You often learn more from other kids, than from your own, about what’s going on. (I have fond memories of glancing in the rearview mirror to the backseat as my kids were frantically trying to silence their friends who were “spilling their guts” to me!) At 22 and 23, our kids’ friends still congregate here every time our kids are home, and they sometimes stop by anyway!

      • 34

        Colleen says

        It is the best revenge and the best way to keep up with where your children are, what they’re doing, and who they’re hanging out with. All the other kids want you to be the chauffeur & chaperone (which can get annoying). You can also guarantee that someone is going to say something about what they were really doing when they were supposed to be at the “library”!

  17. 37

    stacy says

    I have been putting together a picture book of really embarrassing photos of them… not just naked baby pics but also other things they did that I felt the need to capture.. I call it my “special” book. It will be brought out when their are boyfriends over or used as punishment if they dont obey. I am also investing in lots of bubba teeth and overalls in the event I need to pick them up from somewhere they werent supposed to be in the forst place.

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