2014-THANKSgiving

The Mother In Law Prenup

104 Comments

The moment you bring a baby boy into the world, you start to wonder when he’s going to leave you. That’s right. You know that one day he’ll leave you for another woman — even though he’ll propose to you all through toddlerhood and tell you that you are the only girl for him.

Liar. 

You’re already quite certain that the woman he marries will probably resent you for being so awesomely cool. And you’re betting she’ll do whatever she can to break the strong bond you have with your sweet prince. Women say it’s good to marry mama’s boys, but they don’t really want to deal with the mama part.

Wenches!

My husband has told me time and time again to cut the cord… no f*****g way! I’m waiting until that thing rots and falls off. I mean, for how much longer is he going to say “I love you” when he walks out the door, or hug me in front of his friends, or ask me to lie with him at night? Frankly, I don’t know, but I won’t be the one to stop it.

If he’s 40 and wants me to lie with him and scratch his arm, I’ll be all “Move over, Megan,” or whatever his unappreciative, son-stealing wife’s name is.

Let’s be honest: he may be 5 now, but before we know it, he’ll be shaving, and driving, and then he’ll leave us to go to college somewhere cold. Then he’ll get married and move to be near her mother, because that’s what girls make boys do: move near their mothers! Then he’ll be a father, and then one fine holiday he’ll have “wifey” call us to cancel our plans. Then he’ll try to make up for it by sending one of those Harry & David gift baskets filled with pears, because he’ll remember that we love pears, but they’ll be bruised — like our hearts.

No, we can’t go down that road. We have to take a stand against son stealing right now.

We’ll make those Jezebels pay… no, sign! Yes, a contract for us to make them sign, besides the pre-nup. That’s right, like using WiFi in Starbucks, they’ll have to agree to our terms.

This is a MIL-nup, and it goes like this…

Jennifer_Lopez_in_Monster-i

  • I will compliment my mother-in-law’s (MIL’s) cooking, her decorating, and, most importantly, the incredible way she raised her son, my husband.
  • I will marvel at my MIL’s beauty and miraculously never-aging skin every time I see her.
  • I will acknowledge that my MIL’s son is on loan to me so that we can make grandbabies, which will probably look like her and have her wonderful traits, which I will mention in conversation frequently and with great fervor.
  • I will remind my husband to call my MIL daily, saying, “Have you told your mother you love her today? You should, she rocks.” Plus, I will throw in phrases like this:.

         “That amazing woman raised you! You should call and thank her… again.”
             “You can truly never thank her enough.”
             “Let’s go over and thank her in person.”
             “We should bring her a gift when we go.”
             “She’s so deserving of gifts.”
             “Let’s take her on vacation with us.”
             “And get her another gift.”
             “Maybe a beautiful locket with pictures of you and our children.”
             “No, I don’t need to be in the pictures; she didn’t raise me… unfortunately.”

  • I will tell other women that their mothers-in-law are not as fabulous as mine, and I shall be willing to throw down in the event that said women disagree.
  • I will take my MIL to her weekly hair salon appointment and shopping at Loehmann’s, when it is deemed necessary by age.
  • I will spend all holidays with my husband’s family, because they are so awesome and gracious, and I realize how much mine sucks by comparison.

And lastly:

  • I will move to be near my MIL, whether she has retired to Century Village in Florida, decides to live in a nudist colony in Arizona, or goes bat-s**t crazy and moves to Alaska for the fresh sushi. She is so wise and wonderful that I’m sure her choice of habitat will suit me and my husband perfectly!

Oh, and:

  • My MIL can so live with me and my husband when she’s old and can’t remember who I am.

There. You can print this to be signed when the inevitable happens. I just saved you from losing your sweet, sweet boy.

You’re welcome.

Comments

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  1. 1

    tracey says

    :) I wrote something similar to this but on the serious side. It’s a real fear, isn’t it? Because we as women DO run the families and if there isn’t a connection to the man’s mother, then that family gets left out. I am so grateful that I love my MIL…

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    • 2

      Melissa says

      This was the best! As the mom of 3 young sons, that has always been my rant. I will always be the MIL. :-(
      I love this! On a serious note, I am very thankful that I love my MIL.

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  2. 3

    Julie says

    Yeah, I have the aftermath of this though. My late husband was a HUGE Mama’s boy and it was no big deal until he was diagnosed with incurable cancer. He left out information from his parents trying to protect them from the ugliness of cancer. Now that he is gone, it’s all my fault. I was 39 & trying to navigate my two young girls and myself through the grief process and they blamed me. We did not “do enough” to find a cure. I wasn’t a good enough Christian for God to provide a miracle. Now a year later I am a slut for dating someone else. they believe that I have a revolving door of men in and out when reality is that I am in a committed relationship and it was nearly 8 weeks before my girls met him. He literally had to
    say to me “I am falling in love with you, not going anywhere and it’s time for me to meet your girls.”

    so I implore all moms of boys not to be this extreme because it will only end up hurting those around you.

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    • 4

      dana says

      That’s disgusting. How could you have saved him? Make yourself sicker with worry? Like you wouldn’t have done ANYTHING, no matter the cost. What is it about having boys that turns on the crazy gene? I’m so sorry for your loss and the situation resulting.

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    • 6

      heathermccollam says

      “so when I pray, I pray I never grow to be that way” (2Pac). You keep your chin up, beautiful. Don’t let anyone’s poor judgement and hurt make you feel bad(ly)? about yourself. You know the facts/truth. You know who and what you are & who and what you are not, even if no one else does. Denial of truth does nothing to change it so don’t let it change your loving soul. Stay strong & good. Have a little faith.

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  3. 7

    Jenny says

    Well, in my role as son-snatcher, I actually tried just #1 and #4 for the first 12 years of my marriage, and maybe that’s the reason it has been an epic fail. We’re going on our 14th year–and now I only do #4–and things with ol’ Cut Apron Strings are the worst they’ve ever been. Funnily enough, I have made myself my own sort of MIL contract to sign–one to remind me not to get so batshit crazy toward my son’s spouse when the time comes. Confession: I hope he’s gay so that I just end up with ANOTHER son, and my new son-in-law’s mom and I can breathe a big sigh of relief together and be best buddies. (That’s totally how that would go, right?)

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  4. 12

    Son stealing wench says

    I so can’t share this, print it, like it, acknowledge it publicly in anyway…..WHY you ask? My Mother In Law! I am a son stealing wench who has ruined her son. I am in total control of my husband, who has no mind of his own and I am the only one who makes decisons regarding the raising of her grandchildren. By the way all those decisions are wrong anyway. Her son would never be so foolish. PS I am using an alias to post this….

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    • 13

      Anonymous says

      Ditto! My MIL is awful. In years past I have done everything in my power to include her and be nice to her. She still treats me like shit, constantly guilt-trips my hubs/her son, and basically ignores our daughter. I had the best intentions but now I just sit back and let her be her own worst enemy.

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    • 14

      SWOB says

      My friends and I have had this very discussion about how our MIL feel like we’ve stolen their sons from them and treat us as such. We’ve even jokingly started calling ourselves the Saucy Whores of Babylon… Because they think that only a SWOB would have the cunning it takes to “steal” their son away…

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    • 15

      Agree says

      LMAO…..I thought I would be the only one!! His mother is crazy!! She told me I ruined her son also. My reply “the best thing I did was get him out of that house” ! Our wedding present was to throw her out of the wedding, she made it threw the ceremony that about it!!! Couldn’t agree more with you!

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  5. 19

    annemorson says

    My mother in law doesn’t know she is…We never told her we were getting married…why? because she verbally abuses me, pokes me, and tells everybody and anybody I lock
    her in the bedroom with a sandwich and a cup of tea….And no.. no.. she is not ill or poorly she is naturally nasty……Blesssssss her

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  6. 20

    Jennifer says

    While being the mother of three boys I want to agree with this, but I can NOT follow it myself. My MIL I’d with us for the weekend and had the nerve to go in my bedroom, in my closet, dig through my clothes and steal my robe because she didn’t bring warm enough clothes to the Midwest in January. While this alone wouldn’t be cause for freak out, this is the tip of the iceberg. The woman has literally taken my clothes home with her because she took them out of the dresser and wore them while she was at my house. Among other absurdities. :-(

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  7. 22

    realmomofnj says

    None of this made sense to me when I was marrying my husband. WTF was up with his mother? Holy hell.

    And then I had a son. Ooooooooohhhhhhh.

    My boy might only be a year old, but now I totally get it. I’m printing this and saving it for the next 25 years for the day he brings home his own son-stealing wench. I will be prepared for her.

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  8. 23

    TheOtherLisa says

    I have a son, my youngest child. He’s an adult, though still single. If I ever act entitled to be treated to *anything* in this post, then shoot me. Because I’ll deserve it.

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    • 24

      Jenelle W. says

      I agree TheOtherLisa. I see the humor, I laughed. But I am SO thankful for the mother-in-law I have. And I will strive to be even better than her when my two boys marry. We can all laugh and joke but I hope that every mother realizes that her children will grow up and become independent. I’m just hoping that when that day comes, I’ll be invited to participate in their lives in some way.

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  9. 25

    Heidi Bryan says

    Loved this :) My husband tells me every day I have to cut the cord from my sweet little dude. I tell him to kiss my ass and smile. He assures me that some woman is going to hate me one day. I believe it…but isn’t that my right??? I have to deal with his mother…

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  10. 27

    Tabbitha says

    I relish the thought of someone else taking over with the training and socialization of my 3 sons! I envision myself the kindly mil type, listening with a patient ear and a doe eyed expression of “Goodness, I don’t know where he gets that from, he was not raised that way.” oh, and we have one rule: NO high haired bitches or types that will cause me to feel compelled to lay tarps before she sits on the furniture.

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  11. 28

    Mom Off Meth says

    Oh my god. I hear you honey. I have three boys. I’m ready for the wife (or husband?) to come take over and they are only twelve, nine and nine (twins, duh.)

    My soon to be ex-husband’s family was much like this above. But no matter how hard I tried, they wouldn’t like me. ME!! What? Anyway, I am going to give him back now. Maybe they can cook him a little longer and he will be done enough for me someday?

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  12. 29

    Lori@TheLyonsDin says

    Oh. There’s a blog post in me just waiting to come out. Ladies, keep this in mind too. Someday the cute little girl your son marries may just be the one to wipe your ass and wipe your chin and cup your boobs into your bra. That’s what I’m doing for my mother-in-law these days.

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  13. 30

    BonnyBard says

    “I’ll be all, ‘move over, Megan'” – hilarious. Also, that is probably me in thirty odd years, because thankfully my son is half Italian so will never marry before he’s thirty-five, at least. And that’s when he’s moving out of the house. Or maybe not, maybe they could move in with us…

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  14. 32

    Emma says

    I actually WANT my son to grow up, fall in love, and have a happy marriage. The whole end goal of having kids is to have them go out into the world and take care of themselves at some point, right? I could probably find this post humorous if my MIL didn’t treat me this way… I know how much it sucks. :/

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      • 34

        Ashley says

        Absolutely.

        My Mil treated me like literal dog crap on her shoe. I tried for the better part of 10 years to make things work with her but after she repeatedly tried to force us to bow down to her as queen, (she actually calls herself that. She is the queen and should rule over us all) my husband cut ties with her.

        See because she wasn’t letting him live his life. He was an adult and had every right to make his own damn choices. She still blames me even after he point blank told her he wants nothing to do with her because she has NO RESPECT for him as an ADULT!

        If my son ever looked to me as an adult to make his choices for him or put me ahead of his wife and children than I have failed miserably as a mother and I would be so deeply ashamed.

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  15. 35

    Ninja Mom says

    Oh yes. I’m not letting my son go without an ugly, threapy-required scene. That bitch, who ever she may be, will not steal my little man.

    Unless she’s a he, in which case, OMG two sons!!! I know he’ll love me. I will totally babysit their adopted baby and move to a gay-marriage-friendly state to be never my “boys.”

    Oh, and my 3 girls can come visit us, too.

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