Here I am just hanging out in Starbucks without kids! Don’t be too jealous; I just got out of the dentist’s office and preschool pickup is in 40 minutes. Since I usually hang out with preschoolers and toddlers, this vast array of humanity sitting at Starbucks is new and exciting for me. I realize, though, that what I think of my fellow café dwellers now is significantly different from what I would have thought about them before children…
1. Woman with a baby in a stroller.
Pre-kids: Oh that’s so cute! I’ll totally hang out here all day with my baby when I have one. It will be so sweet, just reading a book and the baby nursing or sleeping.
Post-kids: Oh that’s so cute! I hope she can get her latte before the baby wakes up. I wonder if she got herself the latte because she only slept for three hours or as a reward for having done five loads of laundry this morning.
2. Canoodling young 20’s couple.
Pre-kids: Aww, I wish I was doing that right now.
Post-kids: I hope they’re using contraception or those salad days will end quicker than they think.
3. Attractive man doing work on his laptop:
Pre-kids: Ooh, he’s cute. (If this is Pre-Husband, replace this with [takes forever putting milk in my coffee in order to increase the chances that my life turns into a rom-com and this man approaches me.] Note to readers: this never happened.)
Post-kids: Goddamit, I keep telling my husband that telecommuting is the way of the future and to push harder to work remotely. [begins furiously texting husband and attaching covertly-taken picture of man on laptop]
4. Woman with a toddler on a leash.
Pre-kids: What is he, a dog?
Post-kids: [checks Amazon app for prices]
5. Teenage girl.
Pre-kids: High school was so much fun. I remember getting out of class and going to Starbucks.
Post-kids: I bet she babysits! [approaches out of the blue like lunatic]
6. Attractive woman in gym attire:
Pre-kids: She has a great body. I should work out more.
Post-kids: I’m going to tell myself she has no kids so I feel better.
7. Group of people in business meeting:
Pre-kids: That looks boring.
Post-kids: They get to talk to adults ALL DAY LONG! And drink coffee leisurely. Do you think they’ll notice if I pull up a chair?
8. Woman on cell phone.
Pre-kids: That’s rude, I hear her whole conversation.
Post-kids: How exciting! I get to hear an adult conversation. It’s almost like she’s my friend and we’re sitting here together, just chatting.
9. Couple in their 30s.
Pre-kids: So cute! Meeting for coffee in the middle of the day!
Post-kids: Who the hell is watching their children and what kind of goddamned charmed life do they lead?
10. Elderly couple:
Pre-kids: So sweet. Still in love.
Post-kids: I bet they’re in their 40s but they just look like that because they also had three kids in three and a half years.
Related post: The 50 Things Moms Miss Most About Their Pre-Kid Lives