The Three Bed Solution

During the throes of the first year of our relationship, when we’d adoringly curl up into one another in the quiet of night, I never thought a time would come when I’d want to punch my husband in the spleen for daring tread on my side of the bed.

We once were young, in love, and would actually wink when forced to share a tiny bed while traveling. Now our King-sized behemoth isn’t enough space for us to safely snooze in.

Recently, my husband was away on a work trip. Yes, the days were long and rough with no one to assist me in wrangling our crazy offspring. But then, at night – oh those sweet, delicious nights! – I would walk into a silent room with 40 square feet of mattress all to myself.

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I’d turn on my sound machine, crawl into the tidily made bed, steal my husband’s pillows to craft a cozy Kim-shaped cave, and drift into a peaceful slumber until the alarm woke me in the morning. Night after night of uninterrupted sleep. Ahhh…

Then he came home.

I was woken at first by the bounce of the bed as he lumbered in. Then the shimmy as he made his way all the way over to my side, throwing an arm around my waist. Later that night, the snoring began. Lord knows how I didn’t punch him right then. I shoved until he rolled onto his other side, and dozed off again.

Not long after, I thrashed awake in response to being harshly grabbed and pulled to him for a 2 am unconscious spooning. Caught in his clutches, I tried to not hate him.

Until he started breathing. Oh my shizzle, the breathing. In and out. In and out. I swear my husband somehow has an excessive need for breath at night. If he hadn’t somehow stolen each of the six pillows from the bed, I would have stuffed one into his open pie hole.

No sound machine Zen can erase the aggravation this constant waking causes me.

Yes, I know I should be thankful to have a loving husband who wants to be close to me. But this close? When I’m trying to sleep? Unacceptable.

I love you too, honey. GET OFF ME I’M SLEEPING.

I now understand why back in the day some TV couples had separate beds. That. Was. Genius. I’d take it even a step further: I am going to suggest to him that we sell our big beautiful bed and get three twin-sized ones instead. I’ll set mine up with an extra thick mattress pad, light covers, and sound machine within arms’ reach. He can have his firm mattress, flannel sheets, and heavy comforter year-round. Then the third one will be set up between us for conjugal visits.

Problem solved!

We’ll still share a room and have a place for a little Wink-Wink Time, but I don’t have to pay the price of having my every night’s sleep peppered with mini-assaults on my sanity and he doesn’t have to lay next to someone who contemplates where to hide his body in the morning because he just woke her up with an unconscious 4am boob grab again.

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I not only believe this solution will keep my marriage happy and love strong for the next fifty years, I think the concept could catch on as a global trend. Wedding registries will soon have Twin Bed Trifecta as a line item. Pillow Pets will introduce the His, Hers, and Winky-Winky anniversary collection. Divorce rates will plummet. All of these wonderful things will happen because I couldn’t stand one more night of my darling husband’s mothertruckin’ snoring and mouth-breathing grabby love at 2 am.

So sometime in the future, when marriages last longer and a successful industry is built around the Three Bed Solution, you can thank my husband. He’ll be in the unmade bed by the window, two headboards over from me.

About the writer


Kim Bongiorno is the author, freelance writer, and blogger behind Let Me Start By Saying. She lives in New Jersey with her handsome husband and two charmingly loud kids, who she pretends to listen to while playing on Facebook and Twitter. If she were less tired, she'd totally add something really clever to her bio so you'd never forget this moment.


Activlinkhypnosis 12 months ago

I think you would try My Cozy Dry Bed program which is helpful to your child bedwetting problem.

Bruce 1 year ago

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Linda Capone 1 year ago

Oh my gosh! At 62 I want queen beds in our room. That king is just not big enough! I sleep clear over on the edge of the bed and he still manages to: 1) put his arm under my pillow !!!, 2)flop over from side to side numerous times bouncing the bed like a trampoline and 3) jerk my only covering- a sheet off me while he has the sheet, blankets (2) and quilt over him while rolling over. Retirement home with my own room and bed is looking better and better each night!

Abby 1 year ago

My grandparents had separate rooms for 30 years of their 66-year long marriage. Coincidence that it lasted that long? I think not.

John 1 year ago

Funny enough, and I think interesting, I’m the misnomer reading this article. In this situation, I, the male, am the one who struggled! My lady love, and I love her dearly, is the sweet wonderful, adorable, snoring, mouth breathing, teeth grinding, punch throwing love of my life. I have woken up with purple marks from when she slammed a fist into me to get me to stop snoring, when she was the one snoring (I was still awake, reading). I’ve woken up when I hit the floor, because she shoved me out of bed in her sleep. And she really does say the funniest things I’ve ever heard, in her sleep. But it led me to being unable to sleep next to her in our huge king size bed, because, well, I wasnt sleeping.

However, the ikea sofa bed with memory foam in my office around the corner, has proven to be a saving grace. She’s not subjected to my snoring, and I’m not subjected to hers. I no longer have to explain to my friends that no, she doesn’t beat me. And, I’m no longer thinking of places to hide the body.

We’ve been trained to believe that we should, as adults, share a bed, and this is how it is. If you’re not doing it this way, you’re doing it wrong. However, I disagree. I love my girl. Intensely, absolutely, and without question. I would walk across hot coals for her, and would flip burgers for a living to keep us financially stable. (I’d hate it, but I’d do it.) And I also love her enough to take it like a man, and sleep in the room next to her, without feeling neglected, rejected, dejected, or like a failure. It simply means that she gets a good nights sleep, I get a good night’s sleep, and each cat gets to curl up with their favourite person, without being crowded.

Nancy K 1 year ago

“unconscious 4am boob grab” he wasn’t unconcious….

Eve I ate your damn Apple 2 years ago

Forget separate beds. I’ve been proposing adjoining condos for my husband and I for years now!

Esther 2 years ago

I swear I live in one of the noisiest households on the block. My husband snores like a freakin freight train, my daughter talks and screams in her sleep, and my son laughs in his sleep. But the snoring, and the mouth breathing. To top it off, he thinks he’s a flippin starfish. Which leaves me with the edge of the bed laying on my side straight as an arrow. It is 5:30am and I’m on the couch in another room, and my star fished freight train hubby, is still to be clearly heard. My next task is? To sound proof every room is this house.

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Gretchen @ Girls Can’t WHAT? 3 years ago

Love the creative solution! My problem is that my husband falls asleep on the couch, but naturally wakes up between 4am and 6am and comes to bed. My noise machine drowns out everything except the beep beep beep of him setting his alarm click to go off (usually within an hour of him coming to bed).

The thing that kills me is the bathroom light. No matter what he does or how he does it, the bathroom light always manages to wake me up. He shuts the bathroom door before turning on the light, but there’s always enough of a crack under the door and for whatever reason I am always facing that direction! Ugh.

Separate beds sounds great, but separate rooms would be the ultimate luxury. 😀

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    I am not opposed to your husband getting himself to use another bathroom, or building an outhouse so as to not disturb you.

      Gretchen @ Girls Can’t WHAT? 3 years ago

      I really like the outhouse option. I’m going to look into that. 😀

sparkling74 3 years ago

I could not agree with you more!!! Many is the night I sleep on the couch because the snoring is going to kill me. Why did we ever think it would be sooooooooo wonderful to sleep beside a boy?????

Denise 3 years ago

This is why I work nights!
We are in the process of reconverting our office back into a spare room for the nights I am off because of this reason alone!!
I read this at work and couldn’t stop laughing… thank you!

Marta 3 years ago

LOVE IT. That is a genius idea. I used to be a big cuddler, but now two kids later? I honestly feel like my skin crawls when my husband tries to grab me in his embrace. No offense to him, I’m just tired of being touched, and held onto all the time. I just want to lay in peace. Silent peace.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Silent night, holy night.
    All is calm.
    Don’t you FRIGGING DARE try to hold me tight.

Suzanne 3 years ago

Hah! I lived all of this-especially the “snuggle swarm assault” where he would move across the bed and try to cuddle by flopping his 200 lbs of dead snoring sweaty weight on me and pinning me to the bed. Hated it! Love my hubby, hated sleeping with him.

So I bought a dog.

The dog sleeps with us, between us, and under the covers.

And if he tries a stealth assault in the middle of the night….he wakes up the dog. Who then goes and licks his face. Seriously, it only took a few smelly dog kisses and he stopped the midnight bed attacks.

*mwahahaha* I’ll put up with dog hair in bed if it gets me 8 hours of solid sleep!

Crystal & Co 3 years ago

My husband eats cereal in bed. In the middle of the night. It drives be INSANE!

Really? Do you have to chomp that bowl of Raisin Bran like you’ll never eat again?


    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Cereal? In bed? Is he lost? Does he get dizzy and confused once the milk is poured, missing the table completely and thinking the bed is the kitchen chair? What the heck!?

Rach 3 years ago

I live in ireland where king sized beds dont exist, the standard size falls somewhere between a full and a queen. I.E. small. it drives me crazy! I miss my queen sized bed in the states. as I type this the husband is breathing oh so heavily on the other size of our tiny bed. sigh.

Amber 3 years ago


Scarlet 3 years ago

My rule, even before we had kids is: I am asleep. I am off the clock. I owe you nothing. Unless you need to go to the hospital Do. NOT. WAKE. ME!!! I’ve apparently been less than kind when he’s tried to wake me at night. Do not get between me and sleep.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    I say the SAME thing about being off the clock. Try and fool around alllllll you want when I’m awake. Just leave me the hezzle alone once I’m unconscious.

Steph at The Healthy Mom 3 years ago

Yes, that is a great solution. I LOVE it when my husband is away and I get the bed all to myself. Or even the kids aren’t as bad as him. They’re little and curl up nice and snug and don’t snore. Ah, one of the many joys of marriage!

Sarah 3 years ago

I also admit to shoving/poking/punching him with a little *too* much force when he snores. *cough* Thankfully he doesn’t usually remember the assault next day.

Sarah 3 years ago

I really thought my hubby was the only one with an excessive need to breathe, loudly and annoyingly, AT me all night. I really love the nights that he works into the wee hours of the night and falls asleep in the basement… Oh those rare but blissful mornings when I wake up ALONE having had a full night’s sleep!!

Why do married people torture themselves with one bed, one set of pillows, one blanket for TWO people. It makes no sense! Three beds? Genius. I’m in.

Mercy 3 years ago

Hahah, that was funny, and so true. It took me a while to learn that hubby was actually asleep when he would grab me in the night and that I could push him away without offending him. I do it often now, especially when I’m really tired. He wakes me more than the kids do.

Dana 3 years ago

I don’t mind snuggling, but my husband snores like a lumber jack! He has sleep apnea and has a C-PAP machine which works wonders…if he’s wearing it. What drives me crazy is that he doesn’t come to bed until 1 or 2 o’clock, then doesn’t put his machine on. So I’ve been asleep for 3 or 4 hours, and all of a sudden he’s snoring. Then, I’ll tell him to put it on. He’ll grunt, then go back to sleep. This will happen multiple times until I’m looking for places to hide his body. Then, he gets ill with me for being hateful when I wake him up. It’s a good thing that he’s a wonderful husband and father in all other ways…makes up for the continuous nights of interrupted sleep.

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Oh lawdy, this is the best idea in the history of ever. The past two mornings I’ve woken to find my husband sleeping on the couch – he says when he came to bed I looked so peaceful that he slept on the couch for fear his snoring would wake me. I’ve never loved him more.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    How romantic! Sleep is better than flowers any day.

Katy McCaffrey 3 years ago

You may be eligible for a Nobel peace prize now. Think of all you’ve done to help woman kind and save mankind from wife abuse! Now if you can just come up with a solution for when they tuck their dirty socks into the sofa cushions for you to find later like a hidden Easter egg (six weeks after Easter), we’d elect you president of the world.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Frigging rogue dirty socks are the bane of my existence.

Kristen Mae 3 years ago

Holy sweet Jesus you just had me crying with laughter! My husband used to snore like a train full of pigs being cut in half by a chain-saw. Thank God he lost a few pounds and that stopped. But he is STILL an unconscious cuddler. He wakes up with bruised ribs and is like “Wha??? How’d that get there?” and I’m all *shrug*walk away quickly* … And we only have a queen. The horror.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Maybe he feels like he’s losing me in such a big bed? We have a king, and I sleep near the edge, yet the grab-and-pull spoon still happens regularly. Ugh.

Alicia @ Naps Happen 3 years ago

I am pretty lucky in that my husband only snores occasionally and, when he does, I can make him turn over and he stops! Otherwise I would seriously go nuts. I’m a really light sleeper and I’d never catch a wink under these conditions! Revolt!

Sam 3 years ago

I love this post. I’m also completely amused with the reader comment on the “pelvic assault.” Unfortunately, I need to focus on bumping my girls into their own bed.

Shirley@motivatedmommyoftwo 3 years ago

What a great post, and great idea. My husband currently sleeps on the futon that we have in our bedroom. The kids end up sleeping with me most of the time so that is my solution :) for now

Mama Nalyn 3 years ago

what a brilliant idea!!! i think the hubby and i needs a serious conversation about this concept 😉

Laura 3 years ago

This is hilarious and oh so true! But if I may interrupt the good-natured kidding about all of this, I need to offer a serious word of caution. Please read on; you might learn something important to someone’s life and health.

My kids’ dad snored. A LOT. And he’d stop breathing. So not only would the snoring wake me up, but then I’d lie there counting how long he’d stopped breathing for; it was often over 30 seconds. Needless to say, my sleep was just awful, and his wasn’t much better. Unfortunately, this also was in the early 1990s, before sleep apnea was known to be such a serious problem, and CPAPs were still a thing to be invented (at least for popular use).

He was a great guy and a great father, we just weren’t great together. We’d been divorced for nearly eight years when one evening the police came to my door to tell me he’d been found … dead. His apnea had caused him to have a series of seizures that ended up killing him. As you can imagine, we were devastated; it was a pretty rough year.

Since then, I don’t put up with snoring. When my new husband’s snoring reached a certain point, I sent him off to the sleep center, where he was discovered to have fairly severe apnea. He now sleeps with a CPAP. He doesn’t snore. And he doesn’t stop breathing. I sleep better, too, knowing that he won’t die on me during the night from his apnea!

Your public service announcement/warning for today: If the snoring is really serious, it warrants investigation by a competent medical professional. It can have unexpected very, very bad consequences!!!

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Agreed! My husband snores because he gained weight. (he’s gonna love hat I just wrote that) but I know people with apnea who don’t take it seriously, and it scares me. It is serious.
    I’m sorry your kids lost their dad from this.

TaraLee 3 years ago

My hubs is a snorer. When it keeps me up, I pinch his nose until he gasps which is incredibly funny. I dissolve into giggles and do it over and over until he fitfully rolls over. I figure if he is going to keep me up I should at least be entertained.

Marie 3 years ago

This is too great. When we bought our gianormous bed, my husband happily woke that first morning and exclaimed, “This is great! I need a map to find you!” At first, I was offended and missed being close. Eight years later, I’m the one who needs the space and I don’t hesitate to “accidentally” kick him to the floor.

Kim at notmymomsblog 3 years ago

Oh, yes, you’re onto something! Up until your post, the only recognized measure of separation between spouses has been dual sinks in the bathroom, which lets face it covers maybe 30 minutes of the day while sleeping is 1/3 of your lives. I resoundingly second your motion for the Three Bed Solution and I would also like to get you started thinking about the Two House Amendment to the Three Bed Solution. Think of it: you in the big main house in front and him in the tiny guest unit at the back of the driveway… heaven?

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    I’d LOVE a guest house out back for many, many reasons…

Virginia Llorca 3 years ago

We tried twin beds. The groaning and squeaking and thrashing just added to the still very audible snoring. Now we have separate rooms. We are really REALLY old though.

lisa lichon 3 years ago

I <3 this! I thought I was the who felt this way. My hubs and I tried separate beds for a while (he was recovering from surgery) but it was AMAZING! No snoring, no darting, no ginormous leg/arm crushing me, not hot breath in my face… was so great we even had sex a few times since! LOL.

Couples with separate beds had it right. What the hello was I thinking?

eira 3 years ago

Yes… do I understand…. I couldn’t deal with my husband’s snoring so we switched rooms..he sleeps in the futon in her room during the night and I’ve been sleeping with my daughter in our big bed for two years now. Its the only way I can manage!

Stephanie @ Our Marriage Adventure 3 years ago

My biggest aggravation is his dang arm. He seems to think he should be allowed to sleep with his arm under MY pillow. Which is b.s. as I don’t get to sleep with my body on him. I sleep with a pillow between us now (which irks him) but its the only thing that stops him!

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Oh HELL no. A woman’s pillow is her castle, and ogres who trespass must be punished.

Anne 3 years ago

Hilarious Kim! Sleep? Please. Early on in my marriage I had to learn how to fall asleep to his snoring which begins the second his head hits the pillow and includes a range of sounds including the one I like to call the Big Bird. Then there is the one where he is trying to force air out of his nose, which is by that point congested and he stops breathing, until… “Phbhbhbhbhooof!” His lips pop open with a raspberry sound and I know he isn’t dead. I guess I’m still working on falling asleep to it. THEN, somewhere around 2 AM he’ll wake me up to yell at me for snoring. That’s when I want to punch him in the nuts. “Hey…sorry about your enlarged prostate that makes you get up and pee, but I figured out a way to deal with your wood-sawing so deal with it!” I too, love when he travels, but oddly…still happy to have him back – snores and all.

The Mommy Psychologist 3 years ago

Kim, a few months ago, my husband and I started sleeping in separate beds in the same room together. It has been absolutely heavenly!! We now have two queen sized beds. One is mine and one is his. I have been getting the BEST sleep I have had in the last five years. Sleeping apart is actually going to save our marriage. Who made up the rule that couples have to sleep together? Check out the sleeping separate posts here:

and our most recent arrangement:

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    So you’re saying separate beds not only helps you sleep better, but also get more s-e-x? Now THAT is a win!

lauren 3 years ago

OMG!! The 5 am pelvic assault!! That is hysterical.

I have definitely contemplated where to hide the body between the snoring, farting, and random groping and thrusting… I JUST WANT SOME SLEEP!!

Mel 3 years ago

Oh dear God! The snoring!! I need a smothering pillow most nights. :) Great post!

Lady Estrogen 3 years ago

HA! I would likely take over the middle one too – that’s OK, right?

About 2 weeks into me and my husband living together, we got separate duvets. They match and all, but they are definitely two.

And between him and the pug snoring at the end of the bed, I haven’t slept without earplugs for 6 years. Oddly enough, they don’t interfere with hearing the twins. I guess it’s a momma thing? lol

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Seems I need to invest in some ar plugs, as well as a 3rd bed. My AMEX bill gets bigger by the minute…

Laura 3 years ago

This is why I sleep facing my DH with my knee out when I really need the sleep. I’ve been pushed of the bed with his efforts at snuggling some nights. 😛 We’ve only been married two years so it’s not that big of a deal yet but I did almost push him off our loft last week when he kneed me in our baby to be.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Sleeping with a defensive knee at the ready? Brilliant!

Heather Bush 3 years ago

I have laid awake at 3:30 AM plotting where to hide the body. Seriously.

He claims that he cannot sleep if I am not in bed with him. He is a liar. When I get up in the middle of the night to go sleep on the couch? He takes all of the pillows and all of the rest of the bed and snores his happy snore until I wake him up in the morning.

I don’t mind the winky-winky time, and would happily give it up more often, if I could get some flipping peace and quiet when I am trying to sleep. Also? Coming at me at 2 AM because you are horny and not yet asleep – not really gonna help you. I am actually a light sleeper, I just fake that shit REALLY well.

    Jamie H 3 years ago

    Seriously just woke up hubby while laughing out loud to this! Damn it! I need some peace and quiet! TV is finally off! As far as the waking me at 2 am because you are horny and not yet asleep – and you have apparently forgotten that I have to wake up at 6:30 to go to work?! Wonder why I am so bitchy?! Maybe because I get NO SLEEP!

      Heather Bush 3 years ago

      Precisely. I think I may have even told him, “Bitch, please”, the other night.

Jody 3 years ago

I cannot make my husband understand that he MUST stay in the middle of his HALF! He hugs the middle line. This should be an offense punishable by law. It’s worse right now bc we just returned from a fabulous, 10-day, king-size bed-filled vacation! The first night at home I was SHOVING him back where he belonged!

Cassandra 3 years ago

I guess I’m the odd one…I like being cuddled at night. I don’t mind night time fondling. But, I also sleep like a rock for the most part, so if I’m woken up to hubs pulling me close to spoon me, it’s for about 3.2 seconds before I’m out again. And hubs doesn’t snore. The only time either of us snore is when we are sick. The only nightime habit that drives me crazy is the breathing on my back. I don’t mind hearing it, I just hate the FEEL of it, warm to cold, warm to cold, on my god damned shoulder blade until I wiggle just enough so he’s not breathing on me anymore. lol

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    I love a good cuddle. Just don’t hot-breathe all over my neck and grab my hip so hard to yank me into a spoon that I have a mid-REM heart attack. And stop snoring.

Jester Queen 3 years ago

Kim, you’re a riot. And I’m TOTALLY in. The 2AM unconscious spooning has led to 2:30AM unconscious nut smashes in our bed.

roberta lott 3 years ago

Oh dear, this made me giggle. My husband ends up in the middle of the bed with me hanging off my side because he wants to ‘snuggle’ and as I keep moving away from him, he keeps moving towards me. Some night I get up and move to the other side and we start all over again. He would think I were horrible if I suggested separate beds, that I did not love him any more, he is so sensitive to anything that would allow me my comforts. He wonders why I have to take naps when we are together (he works out of town), but it’s because he keeps me awake ALL stinking night trying to thwart his moves, which include the nightly groping of my body parts. And then I get pouting in the morning because I did not respond to said groping. Hell, I’m in a coma and would really LOVE some sleep. LEAVE ME ALONE is all I can think, but don’t dare say anything, lest we end up pouty all day.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Is it weird that I would LOVE to see a surveillance video of this bed-crossing avoidance cycle?

      roberta lott 3 years ago

      I did not even mention the teeth grinding or the constant kicking that goes on. I wake up with bruises some mornings. I have often thought of filming our sleep routine, but have never done it. If they did sleep studies of him, I would have to be there, too, because he is much more active with me around. We have been married thirty-one years, so I have a lot of time under the sheets, just wish I could get a good night’s sleep when we are together.

Suburban Snapshots 3 years ago

I lost my train of thought at Tinne’s “pelvic assault.” Now I’m the one snorting.

Emily 3 years ago

I would take the spooning and snoring over the farting and stinky night burbs.

Dawn 3 years ago

I have had this idea many times. When we go on vacation and have 2 doubles we each have our own bed, although I frequently end up sharing with the toddler. I watched the TV show GCB and the couple in the “white marriage” (he’s gay) had a bed that looked like 2 kings. I could live with that too.

Lara 3 years ago

oh gurl. you missed THE MOST IMPORTANT bed sharing aggravation of all… the SMELLY aggravation. i get warned occasionally with a little, ‘i’m a bit gassy tonight’ as he enters the bed… but no joke – i keep a tiny bottle of bath and body works room spray on my nightstand. it’s. that. bad.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Odors don’t wake me up. Wall-shaking snorting and slap-grabbing does. I’m lucky like that.

Lyn 3 years ago

Alison- your husband and my husband are the same way. Sadly, two kids and a $400 mouth guard later for his teeth and there is still snoring and grinding. Ugh.

June O’Hara 3 years ago

When, in some earlier life, I was married, my husband snored. I’m not proud, but I’d get so desperate, when nothing else worked, sometimes I’d pinch his nose closed. He’d wake up, disoriented, giving me 23 seconds before it started again.

I cherished those 23 seconds.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    That’s 23 seconds more than I get these days. It must have felt GLORIOUS.

      June O’Hara 3 years ago

      It did. However, I did end up divorced. Does that help any?

        Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

        On the bright side, you never murdered him for his snoring. So that’s helpful to hear.

          June O’Hara 3 years ago

          But oh, how I wanted to.

CJ 3 years ago

LOVE LOVE LOVE this idea! I feel the same exact way about everything. And apparently your husband and mine must be related… they act the same way at night! Or either it’s all men!! Either way, it gets on my nerves!!!!! LOL

mommiemarine 3 years ago

Oh man, I thought I was the only one who felt that way! I love my husband dearly,but we’ve spent so much time apart with us being a dual military couple, then with his being a law enforcement office and working nights, weekends, holidays, etc. That Him being home really interferes with my sleep. I thought wanting kill him and bury him in the back 40 was just me being overly aggressive like the Marine Corps taught me, pushing, shoving, and wanting to kick him when he grabs me and half smothers me are NOT me just being a witch. I thought getting a bigger bed was the way to go, but apparently not, so it’s either separate rooms or separate beds. Hmmm.

Mamarific 3 years ago

Hilarious!! My solution is to continue using my pregnancy pillow snoogle-thing, even though my baby is almost 2. It creates a nice barrier of protection between me & Hubs, yet can be easily and conveniently removed when desired :)

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    I used to call my maternity pillow The Great Wall of Pillow, for there was no way Husband could cross it. I totally should have kept that thing…

superwoman 3 years ago

Hilarious and a hauntingly familiar experience! I did a reading of Poe’s A Tell Tale Heart the other night before we got into bed …suffice to say, there were no 2am boob grabs (probably slept with one eye open!) I now sleep with my toddler and baby. Problem solved. Ha! X

Cynthia 3 years ago

Im making my husband read this! He seems to think I am the only female that feels this way! I don’t remember the last time I had a full night sleep between him, the kids and the darn dog barking.. I’m ready to go on a solo vacation

Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom 3 years ago

Too funny! And sounds like a great plan!

onetiredmom 3 years ago

Great article! I understand. Good to know I am not alone. Love it! No cuddling during sleep. Back to your side!

Jess 3 years ago

My husband and I have slept in separate rooms for much of our marriage.. I’ll take sleep and sanity over night time frustration anyday.

realtormom 3 years ago

I need a fourth bed, for all those nights when he let’s our DDs climb in with us to sleep… “but, honey, they are on my side.” Which is why you are on my f…ing side!!!!!

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 3 years ago

Ah yes, the 4 am boobgrab, right up there with the 5am pelvic assault.
What is it with men and their assumption that we women like to be touched during the night?

Leslie/The Bearded Iris 3 years ago

The snoring. God yes, the snoring! And when one of his feet cross the median? GET OFF ME MFer! Where do I register for the “I loves my sleep more than my man” bedding package? You should earn a commission.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    This is my calling. I’m making a stand-alone registry effective immediately. Mama needs to sell some beds so she can make over her bedroom!

Mom Off Meth 3 years ago

My husband ends up down on the couch some nights because he snores. I would LOVE seperate bedrooms WITH the seperate beds. And a boom-boom room! But until then, to the cave he goes.

Arnebya 3 years ago

Oh, this made me laugh: an excessive need for breath at night. Yes, this! The hell? Why do you need to breathe so…so…MUCH? And if you snore again, I promise you it’s on; I will shove this pillow in your face, then sit on you to make sure the air from your nose/mouth that keeps TOUCHING ME will stop (hint for bodies: crawl space).

I will admit, though, that I “may not be” a perfect sleeper. He falsely claims I snore and talk in my sleep. I have yet to see video/hear audio on this, so until then…

Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? 3 years ago

Brilliant! When we stay in a hotel we actually use one of the beds for wink-wink time, and the other for sleep. I have my husband trained to sleep like a stick on the very edge of his side. Or ELSE.

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    We do the same thing in hotels. Now if only they’d add a third…

      JD @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

      Oh, ladies, make him sleep on the wet spot and take the dry, cozy bed for yourself! LOL!

anna 3 years ago

I am currently staying with my family at my mother’s house. Even Steven and I are sharing a DOUBLE bed! All last night, I just thought about how great it would be if he went to the bathroom and never came back. I think tonight I’ll sleep on the couch.

And when we get home, I am totally buying him his own twin bed! (But I’m keeping the king size for myself. Thanks for the great idea! :)

    Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

    Next time he heads to the bathroom, LOCK HIM HIM.

Gigi 3 years ago

Perfect solution! I’m off to price twin beds!

Mia 3 years ago

We’ve had separate beds for 14 years, 11 months and 28 days of our 15 year marriage, and when we had the space we had our own bedrooms too. Can’t wait till the kids move out so we can do that again! 😉 Why stay miserable in each others snoring arms?

Alison 3 years ago

Oh Kim, that was hilarious and your solution?? Genius!!

When I was heavily pregnant and already being woken up countless times by my bladder, my husband would wake me up the other 15 minutes I managed to get some slumber, by snoring or grinding his teeth. I would have tossed a couple of pillows over his face if he hadn’t stolen them all (the good ones too).

(ps: he has since stopped snoring since the baby came. Wait, what?)


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