The Three Bed Solution

98 Comments

couple-bed

During the throes of the first year of our relationship, when we’d adoringly curl up into one another in the quiet of night, I never thought a time would come when I’d want to punch my husband in the spleen for daring tread on my side of the bed.

We once were young, in love, and would actually wink when forced to share a tiny bed while traveling. Now our King-sized behemoth isn’t enough space for us to safely snooze in.

Recently, my husband was away on a work trip. Yes, the days were long and rough with no one to assist me in wrangling our crazy offspring. But then, at night – oh those sweet, delicious nights! – I would walk into a silent room with 40 square feet of mattress all to myself.

I’d turn on my sound machine, crawl into the tidily made bed, steal my husband’s pillows to craft a cozy Kim-shaped cave, and drift into a peaceful slumber until the alarm woke me in the morning. Night after night of uninterrupted sleep. Ahhh…

Then he came home.

I was woken at first by the bounce of the bed as he lumbered in. Then the shimmy as he made his way all the way over to my side, throwing an arm around my waist. Later that night, the snoring began. Lord knows how I didn’t punch him right then. I shoved until he rolled onto his other side, and dozed off again.

Not long after, I thrashed awake in response to being harshly grabbed and pulled to him for a 2am unconscious spooning. Caught in his clutches, I tried to not hate him.

Until he started breathing. Oh my shizzle, the breathing. In and out. In and out. I swear my husband somehow has an excessive need for breath at night. If he hadn’t somehow stolen each of the six pillows from the bed, I would have stuffed one into his open pie hole.

No sound machine Zen can erase the aggravation this constant waking causes me.

Yes, I know I should be thankful to have a loving husband who wants to be close to me. But this close? When I’m trying to sleep? Unacceptable.

I love you too, honey. GET OFF ME I’M SLEEPING.

I now understand why back in the day some TV couples had separate beds. That. Was. Genius. I’d take it even a step further: I am going to suggest to him that we sell our big beautiful bed and get 3 twin-sized ones instead. I’ll set mine up with an extra thick mattress pad, light covers, and sound machine within arms’ reach. He can have his firm mattress, flannel sheets, and heavy comforter year-round. Then the third one will be set up between us for conjugal visits.

Problem solved!

We’ll still share a room and have a place for a little Wink-Wink Time, but I don’t have to pay the price of having my every night’s sleep peppered with mini-assaults on my sanity and he doesn’t have to lay next to someone who contemplates where to hide his body in the morning because he just woke her up with an unconscious 4am boob grab again.

I not only believe this solution will keep my marriage happy and love strong for the next fifty years, I think the concept could catch on as a global trend. Wedding registries will soon have Twin Bed Trifecta as a line item. Pillow Pets will introduce the His, Hers, and Winky-Winky anniversary collection. Divorce rates will plummet. All of these wonderful things will happen because I couldn’t stand one more night of my darling husband’s mothertruckin’ snoring and mouth-breathing grabby love at 2am.

So sometime in the future, when marriages last longer and a successful industry is built around the Three Bed Solution, you can thank my husband. He’ll be in the unmade bed by the window, two headboards over from me.

Comments

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  1. 1

    Alison says

    Oh Kim, that was hilarious and your solution?? Genius!!

    When I was heavily pregnant and already being woken up countless times by my bladder, my husband would wake me up the other 15 minutes I managed to get some slumber, by snoring or grinding his teeth. I would have tossed a couple of pillows over his face if he hadn’t stolen them all (the good ones too).

    (ps: he has since stopped snoring since the baby came. Wait, what?)

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  2. 2

    Mia says

    We’ve had separate beds for 14 years, 11 months and 28 days of our 15 year marriage, and when we had the space we had our own bedrooms too. Can’t wait till the kids move out so we can do that again! ;) Why stay miserable in each others snoring arms?

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  3. 4

    anna says

    I am currently staying with my family at my mother’s house. Even Steven and I are sharing a DOUBLE bed! All last night, I just thought about how great it would be if he went to the bathroom and never came back. I think tonight I’ll sleep on the couch.

    And when we get home, I am totally buying him his own twin bed! (But I’m keeping the king size for myself. Thanks for the great idea! :)

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  4. 6

    Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? says

    Brilliant! When we stay in a hotel we actually use one of the beds for wink-wink time, and the other for sleep. I have my husband trained to sleep like a stick on the very edge of his side. Or ELSE.

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  5. 9

    Arnebya says

    Oh, this made me laugh: an excessive need for breath at night. Yes, this! The hell? Why do you need to breathe so…so…MUCH? And if you snore again, I promise you it’s on; I will shove this pillow in your face, then sit on you to make sure the air from your nose/mouth that keeps TOUCHING ME will stop (hint for bodies: crawl space).

    I will admit, though, that I “may not be” a perfect sleeper. He falsely claims I snore and talk in my sleep. I have yet to see video/hear audio on this, so until then…

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  6. 10

    Mom Off Meth says

    My husband ends up down on the couch some nights because he snores. I would LOVE seperate bedrooms WITH the seperate beds. And a boom-boom room! But until then, to the cave he goes.

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  7. 11

    Leslie/The Bearded Iris says

    The snoring. God yes, the snoring! And when one of his feet cross the median? GET OFF ME MFer! Where do I register for the “I loves my sleep more than my man” bedding package? You should earn a commission.

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    • 12

      Kim at Let Me Start By Saying says

      This is my calling. I’m making a stand-alone registry effective immediately. Mama needs to sell some beds so she can make over her bedroom!

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  8. 13

    Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes says

    Ah yes, the 4 am boobgrab, right up there with the 5am pelvic assault.
    What is it with men and their assumption that we women like to be touched during the night?

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  9. 14

    realtormom says

    I need a fourth bed, for all those nights when he let’s our DDs climb in with us to sleep… “but, honey, they are on my side.” Which is why you are on my f…ing side!!!!!

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  10. 18

    Cynthia says

    Im making my husband read this! He seems to think I am the only female that feels this way! I don’t remember the last time I had a full night sleep between him, the kids and the darn dog barking.. I’m ready to go on a solo vacation

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  11. 19

    superwoman says

    Hilarious and a hauntingly familiar experience! I did a reading of Poe’s A Tell Tale Heart the other night before we got into bed …suffice to say, there were no 2am boob grabs (probably slept with one eye open!) I now sleep with my toddler and baby. Problem solved. Ha! X

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  12. 20

    Mamarific says

    Hilarious!! My solution is to continue using my pregnancy pillow snoogle-thing, even though my baby is almost 2. It creates a nice barrier of protection between me & Hubs, yet can be easily and conveniently removed when desired :)

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    • 21

      Kim at Let Me Start By Saying says

      I used to call my maternity pillow The Great Wall of Pillow, for there was no way Husband could cross it. I totally should have kept that thing…

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  13. 22

    mommiemarine says

    Oh man, I thought I was the only one who felt that way! I love my husband dearly,but we’ve spent so much time apart with us being a dual military couple, then with his being a law enforcement office and working nights, weekends, holidays, etc. That Him being home really interferes with my sleep. I thought wanting kill him and bury him in the back 40 was just me being overly aggressive like the Marine Corps taught me, pushing, shoving, and wanting to kick him when he grabs me and half smothers me are NOT me just being a witch. I thought getting a bigger bed was the way to go, but apparently not, so it’s either separate rooms or separate beds. Hmmm.

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  14. 23

    CJ says

    LOVE LOVE LOVE this idea! I feel the same exact way about everything. And apparently your husband and mine must be related… they act the same way at night! Or either it’s all men!! Either way, it gets on my nerves!!!!! LOL

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  15. 24

    June O'Hara says

    When, in some earlier life, I was married, my husband snored. I’m not proud, but I’d get so desperate, when nothing else worked, sometimes I’d pinch his nose closed. He’d wake up, disoriented, giving me 23 seconds before it started again.

    I cherished those 23 seconds.

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  16. 29

    Lyn says

    Alison- your husband and my husband are the same way. Sadly, two kids and a $400 mouth guard later for his teeth and there is still snoring and grinding. Ugh.

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