25 Things Men Should Know Before Marriage

1. Should I ever ask, “You look fabulous” is the only correct response. And why did I have to ask?

2. Borrowing my car and returning it with the gas gauge on “E” tells me it’s been too long since we’ve had a good fight.

3. Drinking the last Diet Coke without replacing my stash is exactly the same as me letting your beer fridge run dry.

4. Three hours of trying to get your attention and actually talk to you, while you scream and yell at the TV during the entire course of the Big Game, is not “spending time together.”

5. No, I cannot stay at my hot pre-wedding weight and eat a big dinner with you every night. You’re going to have to choose.

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6. Yes, I know you hate the songs on my iPod. That’s why they call it an “I” Pod.

7. Beer is not the only liquid that will quench your thirst.

8. Just because you were born with a penis doesn’t mean you automatically know how to fix my car. Take it to the shop, please.

9. Throwing all my delicates into the dryer on high isn’t “helping with the laundry.”

10. There is no official religious sanction in any recognized church that prohibits putting the new toilet paper roll on the dispenser rather than on the bathroom counter. I checked.

11. Blaring surround sound in a tiny living room is not “way cool.” It’s just loud. I don’t need to hear helicopters behind my head.

12. There isn’t a woman alive, in any country on the planet, who thinks “fine” is a synonym for “beautiful.” When you say “You look fine” or “That dress is fine,” I guarantee you that we just heard, “You look boring and plain, but I’m getting impatient, so let’s go.” And the next time you ask “Was it good for you?” I’ll respond, “It was fine.”

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13. After two arm whacks and a swift kick in the shins, if you’re still snoring, I’m sleeping in the guest bedroom. Yes, I still love you.

14. A sports bar with unlimited “Buckets-O-Wings” and 27 TVs will never be my choice for date night. Or actually, ever. Go. Have fun. I’ll pick the next one. No TVs, but you’ll love the wine list.

15. I don’t care if we’ve shared a toothbrush from time to time, when you drink milk directly out of the container, it has backwash in it and I can’t drink it. Same for my Diet Cokes. The glasses are in the cabinet on the left side of the fridge.

16. Thong underwear feels like dental floss in your butt crack, and 4″ stilettos are as comfy as ballet toe shoes. These were invented by men. You wear ‘em.

17. Yanking the duvet up over the still-wadded sheets and blankets is not “making the bed.”

18. The distance between your hand and the sink is roughly the same as that between your hand and the dishwasher, so all things being equal, please put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, not the sink.

19. We will never be married long enough for me to find ball-and-chain jokes funny.

20. If I’m wearing it, it’s because I like it. And if I like it, you like it. Yes, even the boyfriend jeans.

21. A two-minute back rub, followed by your hand down my pants and the assumption of sex, is not “giving me a massage.”

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22. Repeatedly leaving the toilet seat up is the male equivalent of the universal, female “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.” Ain’t nobody getting any tonight.

23. Just because I do all the shopping doesn’t mean I do all the spending. The drycleaning I picked up was yours. The $40 moisturizer I bought at Nordstrom was yours. The dozen t-shirts from Target? Yours. You say “we” need to stop spending? You first.

24. There are many great movies with no screaming car chase scenes, automatic weapons on constant firing, alien invasions, or apocalyptic backdrops. We also like comedies, musicals, or even love stories. And spending the entire movie repeatedly asking, “When does anything happen?” or “Do they have to sing everything??” is virtually guaranteed to have us watching movies in different rooms of the house.

25. No, you cannot wear your neon, tie-dyed t-shirt from college to dinner with my parents. Or at any event we attend together. Ever.

About the writer

Vikki Claflin is a humor writer, author, public speaker, and former newspaper columnist. Her recently published book Shake, Rattle & Roll With It: Living and Laughing with Parkinson’s chronicles her hilarious, and sometimes poignant journey dealing with Parkinson’s disease, and is available at Amazon.com. She also writes the award-winning humor blog Laugh Lines. Find her at http://laugh-lines.net.


Joy 1 year ago

LOL, Vikki! I need to reprint #10 on a banner and hang it here in our house!! Thanks for this list! :-))

nancy@skinnykitchen.com 1 year ago

You are one funny lady Vikki. And, most of the things on your list are thankfully NOT on mine!!!

Denise Gabbard 1 year ago

OMG! #12, #21, #23…been married over 30 years and I can still totally relate. Great job and funny. Totally not your fault that some people take themselves way too seriously. Life is short…gotta laugh!

One Funny Motha 1 year ago

Definately #12 & 22.

Considerer 1 year ago

Before I got married I pooh-poohed these kinds of comments about men, thinking, well SURELY they can’t be true – it’s just women larking around and making it sound worse than it really is, right?

Ohhh how I wish I was right. SOVERYTRUE!

Liv 1 year ago

Haha! Beautiful Vicki! Well done!

Marcia @ Menopausal Mother 1 year ago

Guess all the nasty trolls here commenting missed the part of the Scary Mommy policy at the beginning of the comment section: “The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn’t add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don’t be a dick, please. ” Seriously people, life is too short to take things so seriously. Lighten up!

Carol Cassara 1 year ago

Congrats on losing your troll virginity. You have ARRIVED!

PapaandLola Gilbert 1 year ago

Too funny

George Lyang 1 year ago

Contrary to popular opinion, marriages are not made in heaven. They take work. Lots of work. Successful marriages are created not just “divined.” Learning how to discover what your strengths are is just as important as knowing your weaknesses. Having this kind of personal information at your fingertips allows you to pinpoint exactly what you need to work on.

Anna Winseton 1 year ago

Could have written 17,18,21

Liz Muller 1 year ago

Love it, laughed my …..off. so true.

Danielle Bennett 1 year ago

Diet Coke: Don’t tell me you hate it and how nasty it is and then drink the last of mine because you’re “just that thirsty”.

Enjoyed the laugh. Glad we only have a few problems from this list (which pale in comparison to the troubles I’m sure I give him!).

Sarah Cedar 1 year ago

I LOVE 12 and 23!

Mandi Cohen 1 year ago

I completely disagree with 14!

Catherine Townsend-Scott 1 year ago

Omfg #⃣

Abigail Bundy Noonan 1 year ago

I hear ya. I didn’t realize if I wanted a little compassion after my Mom died, I’d have to pay for it with sex. I thought I was a wife, not a whore.
Wish I’d known this BEFORE I got married…this is two family deaths I’ve had to put up with this kind of crap for. Separated for 3 years, after my brother’s death. I THOUGHT he “got” it as my Mom was dwindling toward death….but it was just a ruse to get me to come back to him. Mom died, I came back, and not one iota of compassion or comfort have I received.

To the people that are scoffing at those of us that may relate a bit too closely with some of these…..get off your high horse and stop riding over people with your holier than thou attitudes and platitudes. You just come across like a giant twat waffle.

Melissa E 1 year ago

9, 12, 21 LOL

Carin Ekre Anderson 1 year ago

9, 21, & 23 sooooooooo much. Ugh.

Nichole Johnson 1 year ago

Ha! I know it’s tongue-in-cheek, but they did mean some of it and boy, does it paint us all–men & women–into stereotypical caricatures! Glad all people are different and love each other in their own ways; we would all be awfully miserable if this was the molds we fit & the way we were forced to react to one another.

Erin Ryan 1 year ago

Hahaha #12! I dont take being told I look “fine” as a compliment. Also #23, yep. The spending double standard is so frustrating.

Kelli Jo Hey 1 year ago

Funny… but I’m pretty sure everything differs for different couples. I couldn’t relate to most of them.

Eliza Pacheco 1 year ago

Lol I agreed with quite a few of those!

Eliza Pacheco 1 year ago

21! YES

Becky 1 year ago

Wow, you really need some serious psychological help. Seriously if that is the way you treat your husband, your marriage is doomed. This is what men talk about when they refer to high maintenance woman. You seriously need to relax a bit and lay off. wow.

    Kris 1 year ago

    Totally agree with Becky!

Courtney Rollet 1 year ago

That was great.

Jessica Spowart 1 year ago

None of these things would bother me

Kath Masch 1 year ago

Sheesh! Some people have no sense of humour that have commented on here! It’s ment to be a light hearted piece of writing!

Marybelle 1 year ago

God the last one. I hate husband clothes. My husband has a pair of Tevas. I swear I’ve thrown them out twice. They will not die. I hide them. And then if he finds him, ban him from wearing them in public under the threat of no sex.

Also 23.

Irish Boyde 1 year ago

Don’t do it

Danielle Erwin 1 year ago

6,12,20,24. Yep.

Jennifer Woodley 1 year ago

14 actually sounds good to me

Tara Menefee Taylor 1 year ago

Thank you for yet another reminder that my husband is amazing.

Dave Astin 1 year ago

She sounds like a gem!

Laura Sauer 1 year ago

Haters abound. Sheesh. Who knew there were so many perfect people out there? To the author: I think this was fun, lighthearted, and humorous. I speak sarcasm and have a sense of humor.

Jaime Albrecht-Rasmussen 1 year ago


Rachel L McCreery 1 year ago

9, 11, 12, and 14!!

Kathy Kucharz Gamble 1 year ago

#10 – Heck, I’d settle for a new roll on the counter…..

nans 1 year ago

Most of these I dont relate too much most of the time. I get why this is funny..stereotypical.
the funniest being.. if u are spending three hours trying to talk to your husband during the big game.. its not him..its you!
Timing is everything and I know..during football sunday and any playoffs games..thats not the time to try gossiping about your dumb girlfriends or bitch about your job. Duh.

Jen 1 year ago

Damn…looks like I picked the right guy.

Happy 1 year ago

So glad I took the time to find the right guy who doesn’t need this hilarious list! Doesn’t drying, sits when he pees, and he cleans!!!!

Chelsey Bryce 1 year ago

Omg people get the sticks out of your ass and take a shot of tequila already this had me laughing for 30minutes… Your perfect husbands are going to leave and cheat on all of you for being such bitches

Elizabeth 1 year ago

You forgot one…..Get off your f-ing phone and actually participate in this conversation

Margaret Ann 1 year ago


Pam 1 year ago

Will soon be married 30 years and I find these hilarious. Totally relate to #21. LOL!

Kris 1 year ago

My hubby has never applied to any of these.
I lucked out and married a real keeper i guess 😀
I'm so glad i've never had to deal with any of this.

Sarah Melius 1 year ago


Sara Petrick 1 year ago

10, 18, 23!!!

Katy Cardoza 1 year ago

I could relate to two of these. The rest made me want to thank my husband for not being a douche.

Nicole Slaughter 1 year ago

i just don’t understand #22, i mean seriously…i don’t put the seat UP for him when i leave the bathroom, so why should he put it down for me? that’s just lazy, put your own seat down people…what’s fair is fair!

Jimmy’s Left Shoe 1 year ago

Good lord…this isn’t advice for men who want to get married, it’s advice for women who don’t. This is stereotypical Al Bundy kinds of behavior…no real man acts this way.

Mandy Otis 1 year ago

Jesus Christ. Jokes, people. J.O.K.E.S.

Cynthia M. Salazar 1 year ago

Loved it!! and not as a satire . . lol!!

Barb Hart 1 year ago

I kinda wonder if there is a list like this written by men about wives…

Karen Dixon 1 year ago

All funny but really agree with 16&17

Viridiana Torres 1 year ago


Kayla Muncie Luckie 1 year ago

Ha! Totally #5 … And I wish he would drink some diet anything lol 😉

Valerie Ann 1 year ago

Well some of them are funny and some I could care less about :)

Diana Elaine Hendrix Brown 1 year ago


Rebecca Chadwick 1 year ago

My husband is an automotive technician so he can totally fix our car and any one else’s :)

Ashley Pate Garrett 1 year ago

All true- but this list confirms that I have a great husband!

Clarissa Valdez 1 year ago

Who is this fictional hubby drinking her diet cokes?

Amber Nicole 1 year ago


Autumn Brown 1 year ago

My man wouldn’t even need to read this list. It does not pertain to him at all. He is highly respectful, decent, intelligent, and knows how to treat me.

Amber Nicole 1 year ago

They remind me of Doug and Carrie from King of Queens! Lol

Laura A. Lord 1 year ago

I absolutely love Vikki and her hilarious posts! This one is certainly a favorite!

Catherine 1 year ago

#23 & #24 sound very familiar :)

April Dawn 1 year ago


Jackie Doerner 1 year ago


Charis Andrews Hanberry 1 year ago

*snort*!! Love these!

Suzy Mac 1 year ago

Screaming and yelling at at football game with my husband is awesome quality time! None of this list relates to me and I think I’m happy about that!

Cristine Ann 1 year ago

Marry a man , not a boy and these won’t be issues ! ( ok except the gas in the car one … Grrrr) but funny list :)

Haley Westercamp 1 year ago

#21- read my mind.

Lori 1 year ago

Thank you for #23, and may I just add: The children and I get our shirts/jeans/chinos/shoes at Target and Wal-mart, why must yours come from the overpriced department store? (Not talkin’ suits here, just khakis and golf shirts.) And honestly, that hissy you threw when Macy’s quit carrying the only style of socks you would put your feet in was slightly embarrassing. Suck it up and wear Hanes’ like the rest of the household.

Heather Toothill 1 year ago

So funny! And painfully true.

Kristy Pennington 1 year ago

This is a helpful list, if you’re marrying a boy. A man worth marrying wouldn’t need this list.

    Amber Nicole 1 year ago


    Sarah Imbert 1 year ago


Debbie Kohlhepp 1 year ago

You nailed it! #23 is a very repetitive one in my house!

Taylor Stewart 1 year ago

21 bahahahahaha

Lisa Chase Simon 1 year ago


Kimberly Visser 1 year ago


Lisa Marie Chipola 1 year ago

I believe 14 is the only one I dont agree with lol :)

Lorraine Rainy Shaw 1 year ago


Jessica 1 year ago

Thank you for writing my wedding vows for me 😉


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