25 Things Men Should Know Before Marriage

1. Should I ever ask, “You look fabulous” is the only correct response. And why did I have to ask?

2. Borrowing my car and returning it with the gas gauge on “E” tells me it’s been too long since we’ve had a good fight.

3. Drinking the last Diet Coke without replacing my stash is exactly the same as me letting your beer fridge run dry.

4. Three hours of trying to get your attention and actually talk to you, while you scream and yell at the TV during the entire course of the Big Game, is not “spending time together.”

5. No, I cannot stay at my hot pre-wedding weight and eat a big dinner with you every night. You’re going to have to choose.

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6. Yes, I know you hate the songs on my iPod. That’s why they call it an “I” Pod.

7. Beer is not the only liquid that will quench your thirst.

8. Just because you were born with a penis doesn’t mean you automatically know how to fix my car. Take it to the shop, please.

9. Throwing all my delicates into the dryer on high isn’t “helping with the laundry.”

10. There is no official religious sanction in any recognized church that prohibits putting the new toilet paper roll on the dispenser rather than on the bathroom counter. I checked.

11. Blaring surround sound in a tiny living room is not “way cool.” It’s just loud. I don’t need to hear helicopters behind my head.

12. There isn’t a woman alive, in any country on the planet, who thinks “fine” is a synonym for “beautiful.” When you say “You look fine” or “That dress is fine,” I guarantee you that we just heard, “You look boring and plain, but I’m getting impatient, so let’s go.” And the next time you ask “Was it good for you?” I’ll respond, “It was fine.”

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13. After two arm whacks and a swift kick in the shins, if you’re still snoring, I’m sleeping in the guest bedroom. Yes, I still love you.

14. A sports bar with unlimited “Buckets-O-Wings” and 27 TVs will never be my choice for date night. Or actually, ever. Go. Have fun. I’ll pick the next one. No TVs, but you’ll love the wine list.

15. I don’t care if we’ve shared a toothbrush from time to time, when you drink milk directly out of the container, it has backwash in it and I can’t drink it. Same for my Diet Cokes. The glasses are in the cabinet on the left side of the fridge.

16. Thong underwear feels like dental floss in your butt crack, and 4″ stilettos are as comfy as ballet toe shoes. These were invented by men. You wear ‘em.

17. Yanking the duvet up over the still-wadded sheets and blankets is not “making the bed.”

18. The distance between your hand and the sink is roughly the same as that between your hand and the dishwasher, so all things being equal, please put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, not the sink.

19. We will never be married long enough for me to find ball-and-chain jokes funny.

20. If I’m wearing it, it’s because I like it. And if I like it, you like it. Yes, even the boyfriend jeans.

21. A two-minute back rub, followed by your hand down my pants and the assumption of sex, is not “giving me a massage.”

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22. Repeatedly leaving the toilet seat up is the male equivalent of the universal, female “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.” Ain’t nobody getting any tonight.

23. Just because I do all the shopping doesn’t mean I do all the spending. The drycleaning I picked up was yours. The $40 moisturizer I bought at Nordstrom was yours. The dozen t-shirts from Target? Yours. You say “we” need to stop spending? You first.

24. There are many great movies with no screaming car chase scenes, automatic weapons on constant firing, alien invasions, or apocalyptic backdrops. We also like comedies, musicals, or even love stories. And spending the entire movie repeatedly asking, “When does anything happen?” or “Do they have to sing everything??” is virtually guaranteed to have us watching movies in different rooms of the house.

25. No, you cannot wear your neon, tie-dyed t-shirt from college to dinner with my parents. Or at any event we attend together. Ever.

About the writer

Vikki Claflin is a humor writer, author, public speaker, and former newspaper columnist. Her recently published book Shake, Rattle & Roll With It: Living and Laughing with Parkinson’s chronicles her hilarious, and sometimes poignant journey dealing with Parkinson’s disease, and is available at Amazon.com. She also writes the award-winning humor blog Laugh Lines. Find her at http://laugh-lines.net.

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Joy 2 years ago

LOL, Vikki! I need to reprint #10 on a banner and hang it here in our house!! Thanks for this list! :-))

nancy@skinnykitchen.com 2 years ago

You are one funny lady Vikki. And, most of the things on your list are thankfully NOT on mine!!!

Denise Gabbard 2 years ago

OMG! #12, #21, #23…been married over 30 years and I can still totally relate. Great job and funny. Totally not your fault that some people take themselves way too seriously. Life is short…gotta laugh!

One Funny Motha 2 years ago

Definately #12 & 22.

Considerer 2 years ago

Before I got married I pooh-poohed these kinds of comments about men, thinking, well SURELY they can’t be true – it’s just women larking around and making it sound worse than it really is, right?

Ohhh how I wish I was right. SOVERYTRUE!

Liv 2 years ago

Haha! Beautiful Vicki! Well done!

Marcia @ Menopausal Mother 2 years ago

Guess all the nasty trolls here commenting missed the part of the Scary Mommy policy at the beginning of the comment section: “The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn’t add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don’t be a dick, please. ” Seriously people, life is too short to take things so seriously. Lighten up!

Carol Cassara 2 years ago

Congrats on losing your troll virginity. You have ARRIVED!

PapaandLola Gilbert 2 years ago

Too funny

George Lyang 2 years ago

Contrary to popular opinion, marriages are not made in heaven. They take work. Lots of work. Successful marriages are created not just “divined.” Learning how to discover what your strengths are is just as important as knowing your weaknesses. Having this kind of personal information at your fingertips allows you to pinpoint exactly what you need to work on.

Anna Winseton 2 years ago

Could have written 17,18,21

Liz Muller 2 years ago

Love it, laughed my …..off. so true.

Danielle Bennett 2 years ago

Diet Coke: Don’t tell me you hate it and how nasty it is and then drink the last of mine because you’re “just that thirsty”.

Enjoyed the laugh. Glad we only have a few problems from this list (which pale in comparison to the troubles I’m sure I give him!).

Sarah Cedar 2 years ago

I LOVE 12 and 23!

Mandi Cohen 2 years ago

I completely disagree with 14!

Catherine Townsend-Scott 2 years ago

Omfg #⃣

Abigail Bundy Noonan 2 years ago

I hear ya. I didn’t realize if I wanted a little compassion after my Mom died, I’d have to pay for it with sex. I thought I was a wife, not a whore.
Wish I’d known this BEFORE I got married…this is two family deaths I’ve had to put up with this kind of crap for. Separated for 3 years, after my brother’s death. I THOUGHT he “got” it as my Mom was dwindling toward death….but it was just a ruse to get me to come back to him. Mom died, I came back, and not one iota of compassion or comfort have I received.

To the people that are scoffing at those of us that may relate a bit too closely with some of these…..get off your high horse and stop riding over people with your holier than thou attitudes and platitudes. You just come across like a giant twat waffle.

Melissa E 2 years ago

9, 12, 21 LOL

Carin Ekre Anderson 2 years ago

9, 21, & 23 sooooooooo much. Ugh.

Nichole Johnson 2 years ago

Ha! I know it’s tongue-in-cheek, but they did mean some of it and boy, does it paint us all–men & women–into stereotypical caricatures! Glad all people are different and love each other in their own ways; we would all be awfully miserable if this was the molds we fit & the way we were forced to react to one another.

Erin Ryan 2 years ago

Hahaha #12! I dont take being told I look “fine” as a compliment. Also #23, yep. The spending double standard is so frustrating.

Kelli Jo Hey 2 years ago

Funny… but I’m pretty sure everything differs for different couples. I couldn’t relate to most of them.

Eliza Pacheco 2 years ago

Lol I agreed with quite a few of those!

Eliza Pacheco 2 years ago

21! YES

Becky 2 years ago

Wow, you really need some serious psychological help. Seriously if that is the way you treat your husband, your marriage is doomed. This is what men talk about when they refer to high maintenance woman. You seriously need to relax a bit and lay off. wow.

    Kris 2 years ago

    Totally agree with Becky!

Courtney Rollet 2 years ago

That was great.

Jessica Spowart 2 years ago

None of these things would bother me

Kath Masch 2 years ago

Sheesh! Some people have no sense of humour that have commented on here! It’s ment to be a light hearted piece of writing!

Marybelle 2 years ago

God the last one. I hate husband clothes. My husband has a pair of Tevas. I swear I’ve thrown them out twice. They will not die. I hide them. And then if he finds him, ban him from wearing them in public under the threat of no sex.

Also 23.

Irish Boyde 2 years ago

Don’t do it

Danielle Erwin 2 years ago

6,12,20,24. Yep.

Jennifer Woodley 2 years ago

14 actually sounds good to me

Tara Menefee Taylor 2 years ago

Thank you for yet another reminder that my husband is amazing.

Dave Astin 2 years ago

She sounds like a gem!

Laura Sauer 2 years ago

Haters abound. Sheesh. Who knew there were so many perfect people out there? To the author: I think this was fun, lighthearted, and humorous. I speak sarcasm and have a sense of humor.

Jaime Albrecht-Rasmussen 2 years ago

LMAO!!!!!!!

Rachel L McCreery 2 years ago

9, 11, 12, and 14!!

Kathy Kucharz Gamble 2 years ago

#10 – Heck, I’d settle for a new roll on the counter…..

nans 2 years ago

Most of these I dont relate too much most of the time. I get why this is funny..stereotypical.
the funniest being.. if u are spending three hours trying to talk to your husband during the big game.. its not him..its you!
Timing is everything and I know..during football sunday and any playoffs games..thats not the time to try gossiping about your dumb girlfriends or bitch about your job. Duh.

Jen 2 years ago

Damn…looks like I picked the right guy.

Happy 2 years ago

So glad I took the time to find the right guy who doesn’t need this hilarious list! Doesn’t drying, sits when he pees, and he cleans!!!!

Chelsey Bryce 2 years ago

Omg people get the sticks out of your ass and take a shot of tequila already this had me laughing for 30minutes… Your perfect husbands are going to leave and cheat on all of you for being such bitches

Elizabeth 2 years ago

You forgot one…..Get off your f-ing phone and actually participate in this conversation

Margaret Ann 2 years ago

#21-haha!

Pam 2 years ago

Will soon be married 30 years and I find these hilarious. Totally relate to #21. LOL!

Kris 2 years ago

My hubby has never applied to any of these.
I lucked out and married a real keeper i guess 😀
><
I'm so glad i've never had to deal with any of this.

Sarah Melius 2 years ago

11!

Sara Petrick 2 years ago

10, 18, 23!!!

Katy Cardoza 2 years ago

I could relate to two of these. The rest made me want to thank my husband for not being a douche.

Nicole Slaughter 2 years ago

i just don’t understand #22, i mean seriously…i don’t put the seat UP for him when i leave the bathroom, so why should he put it down for me? that’s just lazy, put your own seat down people…what’s fair is fair!

Jimmy’s Left Shoe 2 years ago

Good lord…this isn’t advice for men who want to get married, it’s advice for women who don’t. This is stereotypical Al Bundy kinds of behavior…no real man acts this way.

Mandy Otis 2 years ago

Jesus Christ. Jokes, people. J.O.K.E.S.

Cynthia M. Salazar 2 years ago

Loved it!! and not as a satire . . lol!!

Barb Hart 2 years ago

I kinda wonder if there is a list like this written by men about wives…

Karen Dixon 2 years ago

All funny but really agree with 16&17

Viridiana Torres 2 years ago

Hahaha

Kayla Muncie Luckie 2 years ago

Ha! Totally #5 … And I wish he would drink some diet anything lol 😉

Valerie Ann 2 years ago

Well some of them are funny and some I could care less about :)

Diana Elaine Hendrix Brown 2 years ago

Lol

Rebecca Chadwick 2 years ago

My husband is an automotive technician so he can totally fix our car and any one else’s :)

Ashley Pate Garrett 2 years ago

All true- but this list confirms that I have a great husband!

Clarissa Valdez 2 years ago

Who is this fictional hubby drinking her diet cokes?

Amber Nicole 2 years ago

Lol!

Autumn Brown 2 years ago

My man wouldn’t even need to read this list. It does not pertain to him at all. He is highly respectful, decent, intelligent, and knows how to treat me.

Amber Nicole 2 years ago

They remind me of Doug and Carrie from King of Queens! Lol

Laura A. Lord 2 years ago

I absolutely love Vikki and her hilarious posts! This one is certainly a favorite!

Catherine 2 years ago

#23 & #24 sound very familiar :)

April Dawn 2 years ago

#21

Jackie Doerner 2 years ago

#13!!!!!

Charis Andrews Hanberry 2 years ago

*snort*!! Love these!

Suzy Mac 2 years ago

Screaming and yelling at at football game with my husband is awesome quality time! None of this list relates to me and I think I’m happy about that!

Cristine Ann 2 years ago

Marry a man , not a boy and these won’t be issues ! ( ok except the gas in the car one … Grrrr) but funny list :)

Haley Westercamp 2 years ago

#21- read my mind.

Lori 2 years ago

Thank you for #23, and may I just add: The children and I get our shirts/jeans/chinos/shoes at Target and Wal-mart, why must yours come from the overpriced department store? (Not talkin’ suits here, just khakis and golf shirts.) And honestly, that hissy you threw when Macy’s quit carrying the only style of socks you would put your feet in was slightly embarrassing. Suck it up and wear Hanes’ like the rest of the household.

Heather Toothill 2 years ago

So funny! And painfully true.

Kristy Pennington 2 years ago

This is a helpful list, if you’re marrying a boy. A man worth marrying wouldn’t need this list.

    Amber Nicole 2 years ago

    Exactly!

    Sarah Imbert 2 years ago

    Truth!

Debbie Kohlhepp 2 years ago

You nailed it! #23 is a very repetitive one in my house!

Taylor Stewart 2 years ago

21 bahahahahaha

Lisa Chase Simon 2 years ago

#21!!

Kimberly Visser 2 years ago

LOL!

Lisa Marie Chipola 2 years ago

I believe 14 is the only one I dont agree with lol :)

Lorraine Rainy Shaw 2 years ago

#21!!!!

Jessica 2 years ago

Thank you for writing my wedding vows for me 😉

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