Through My Children’s Eyes

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Flipping through the pictures on my phone, I see it.

My first reaction is shock.

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Who took this hideous picture of me?!

Self-loathing and disgust swell up and threaten to bring me to tears.

Just as I am about to hit delete, my boy walks in the room.

“Do you know anything about this picture?” I ask him.

I turn the screen so he can see it. He smiles huge.

“I took that of you in Tahoe,” he says. “You looked so beautiful laying there. I couldn’t help it, mom.”

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“You need to ask me before using my phone to take pictures,” I say.

“I know,” he says. “But mom, seriously, look how pretty you look?”

I look at the picture again and try to see what he sees.

My daughter walks over and takes a look.

“That could be a postcard mom,” she says smiling. “You’re so beautiful. I love it.”

I take a deep breath.

This is exactly what I needed.

My default mode is to see and focus on the flaws and imperfections. I’m starting to see a bit more.

I still see my dimply, fat thighs.

I also see a mom collapsed on the shore that just explored the lake for hours with her children.

I still see chubby arms.

I also see the arms of a mom that just helped her kids across the rocks and hot sand so their feet wouldn’t hurt.

I still see a fat woman wearing a black dress bathing suit to try to hide her weight issue.

I also see an adventurous mom that loves her children something fierce.

Like many women, I have struggled with my weight most of my life. It’s not something that will ever go away for me. I don’t have a naturally slim body. Never have.

Right now I’m the heaviest I’ve been in 10 years. Yet…

I have not let my weight stop me this time. I am wearing tank tops, sundresses and bathing suits in public. I’m running around playing with my kids this summer and I sometimes even feel attractive.

Yes. You heard me.

“I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty, and witty and bright.”

Well… not exactly. But something like that.

Is it because I’m getting older? Is it that I have more to worry about than just how I look? Or maybe it’s because my kids look at me with such adoring eyes.

Really, it doesn’t matter.

I don’t hate my body anymore.

That’s huge for me to admit and hard to even wrap my mind around.

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I’m not giving up on exercising and getting healthy. Those are things I will continue to strive for because I want to be around awhile.

Right now though, I just want to love my body where it is. I want it to be OK to see myself the way my kids do.

Thank you, kids.

Related post: Finally, I Don’t Hate My Body

Comments

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  1. 2

    Helen says

    Wow…thanks for this. I too have finally embraced my body. I’m also extremely active with my three boys and nothing stops me. This year I’m finally starting to feel beautiful. Instead of beating myself up that I no longer comfortably fit into a certain size, I’ve just started finding cute clothes that are more comfortable. My husband loves me as is, as do my boys…who else am I trying it impress? Thanks!

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  2. 3

    says

    I love this post! You are a beautiful mama! It made me want to tear up when your kids replied to you! They love and adore you so much! Way to to for being confident in your own skin and wearing what you want to wear, confidants is a huge key to being attractive, I think!

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      • 7

        Tommi Pabst says

        All I see is a woman who has luminously pretty skin not a mark on it. Knowing what is beautiful about ourselves is the first step to sharing it with a world that needs beautifying. Focus on wearing lovely fabric with color that shows off that complexion of yours. Don’t forget polish, lipstick and the softest fragrance. Stunningly beautiful skin. It is definitely an asset to a beautiful woman. You don’t know how many woman wish they had it! Flaunt it and your pretty ways then wait for heads to turn.

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  3. 10

    Lauren says

    Wow! This one took my breath away. I have read so many articles lately about body image and what we are doing to our children (daughters in particular from mothers), by focusing on negativity in our own body view and this follows those up perfectly. While you admit that your weight is a work in progress (just like mine…life-long), your decision to live your life with the freedom to be content and focus on the positive (like fun in the sun) is so important for your own mental health and for your kids. Their view of you is a mirror of your decision and is so beautiful! I am working on this, too, day by day. It’s so hard to see past the imperfection, but I definitely don’t want my daughter to hear the same inner-mantra someday.

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