How long was she standing there?
Balancing a sex life with parenting young kids isn’t easy. So when the mood and timing are right, you go for it. But as one couple found out, if one of your kids makes a surprise appearance in your bedroom while you’re mid-act, you’ll wish you never got naked in the first place.
Emma Lou Harris, a mom of two and blogger from Ireland, shared the hilarious and humiliating details of their three-year-old daughter walking in on them while having sex.
Prepare to cringe in solidarity.
It all started when Harris’ husband did something irresistibly sexy — a household chore without being asked. “I’d had two full beers that night and Joe had emptied the dishwasher without having to be asked,” she writes. “I knew right then and there it was game on. Pants. Off!”
They put the kids to bed and went right to it. “Mission slipping into other things commences for us as we hopped on straight down to sexy town.” No watching a quick episode on Netflix first for these two. They had plans.
Harris says this wasn’t your run-of-the-mill, middle of the week, “I guess we should have the sex” kind of romp. They were giving it their all. “We were just getting to the bit of the act about half way through where you actually consider going professional and you wonder why you ain’t teaching these kinda moves on some sort of intense weekend course for beginners,” she jokes.
Then suddenly they heard it: “Mammmmmmmmy???” The couple’s three-year-old daughter Frankie was standing in the doorway.
Her first thought was that sexy time was officially dunzo. “My vagina zips itself up to my back immediately before I’ve even had a chance to turn my head,” she writes.
Her second thought is to wish that what’s she’s seeing is a ghost. “I pray to the baby Jesus that we have a poltergeist and I also pray it’s legally blind.” Because being haunted is definitely easier than explaining why mom was screaming but not hurt to a toddler.
Her husband was no help. “I watched him, almost in slow motion fly through the air in panic, the anaconda swerving all over the place threatening to strangle me to death in the act,” she jokes. He nearly smacks her in the head with his junk in his panic to avoid being seen naked by their child. “Seriously,” she writes, “the thing nearly slapped me in the face and blackened the eyes off me on it’s jump up there.”
Fortunately for the traumatized couple, Frankie didn’t ask any questions in the moment. She said she had lost her pacifier, and happily went back to sleep once her mom located it for her.
Obviously Harris and her husband were far too shaken to pick up where they left off. “… me and Joe stay awake all night staring at the ceiling and speak not one word to each other,” she remembers.
Harris’ story is hysterical, but it’s also terrifying. We’re almost afraid to laugh in case karma decides that we too should have a tiny visitor appear while we’re in the middle of knockin’ boots.
Hopefully their little girl was still half asleep when she stumbled into their room and won’t remember a thing. But Harris knows that one day she may have some explaining to do about that night. “If in the future, My poor, poor innocent child ever comes to me and tells me she remembers a very vivid dream where two large warthogs were trying to give each other a hoosh over a wall or that two friggin tapers where playing an aggressive game of twister, well, I guess I’ll have my answer. ”
Here’s hoping Frankie stays asleep next time.