2014-THANKSgiving

10 Ways Toddlers and Frat Boys Are The Same

44 Comments
falling-asleep-while-eating Image via Shutterstock

Now that I’m a mom of two boys, I’m slowly starting to realize how gross they really are. Even though there are not any Greek letters hoisted above my front door; the smells and mess you encounter when you enter – will definitely have you questioning whether or not an entire fraternity lives here.  Hopefully one day, I’ll have my own private bathroom or a live-in housekeeper (you know, if I win the lotto). Until then, here are 10 reasons why living with a toddler (son) is like living in a frat house:

1. They Are Proud Of Their Bowel Movements. Every time my son goes to the bathroom, he has to show me. “Momma, look what I did – Ta Da!” (You know you’re a mom when you actually go look and then react by giving a high-five.)

2. They Have Sub-Par Hygiene. I have to threaten my son to brush his teeth.  I usually tell him his teeth are going to fall out if he doesn’t brush them.  Mean, I know, but I can’t stand his rotten breath.  He wipes snot on his arms, his feet smell, and I’ll spare you the details and not discuss his butt-wiping capabilities.

3. They Have Poor Aim. Pee is everywhere.  Riddle me this – how hard is it to pee into a giant hole when you’re standing less than an inch away from the toilet? Why is this concept so difficult for men / boys?

4. They Pass Gas Anytime – Anywhere. Usually any breaking wind is accompanied by giggles, so I don’t mind this as much. (If you’re a grown man, then it’s not cute.)

5. They Like To Touch Themselves.  Even my eight month old immediately reaches for his boy parts the second his diaper comes off. Just last week, my toddler pulled his pants down to show my mother-in-law his privates.  Men and their pride – I guess it starts at birth.

6. They Pull All-Nighters.  My son is going through a growth spurt and he’s a night owl, which means sleepless nights for me too.  Even if he goes to bed late, he’s up by 6 am. I can’t wait until he’s a teenager and sleeps around the clock.

7. Their Rooms Are Trashed. I clean my boys’ room  at least four times a day and it still looks like a tornado ravaged it. To find a pair of socks, my son insists on pulling every piece of clothing out first and then proceeds to throw everything on the floor.

8. They Try Sneak In Your Bed.  Every night my son goes to sleep in his bed, yet every morning I wake up and he’s in mine.  (Secretly, I love this because one day he won’t want to cuddle with me, and I’m not ready for that just yet.)

9. They Are Vomit Comets.  Toddlers are projectile vomit machines – in case you didn’t know. It usually happens when you’re wearing a nice outfit and it comes out of nowhere.

10. They Have No Filter. Leave it to your kid to embarrass you every chance they get. Offensive language is just part of their daily lives. Honesty is a virtue, but when you have a toddler, it’s a curse.

While I try teach my son to mind his P’s and Q’s now, I’m hoping as he gets older his manners will be more prominent in our daily lives. But first things first – we need to focus on his aim.

Related post: 10 Ways Pregnancy is Like Toddlerhood

Comments

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  1. 5

    Melissa says

    I know this is supposed to be a humorous article, and I get what your trying to do, but articles like this bother me as the mother of a little girl. When moms of boys act like they have the “yuck” factor of childhood on lockdown simply because they’re boys (and boys are dirty, duh), it is simultaneously sending the message that girls aren’t dirty, because we all know that girls are just princesses and ballerinas and never get dirty or smelly because girls don’t like be ickkkky ewwww. The whole “snakes and snails and puppy dog tails” vs “sugar and spice and everything nice” is so old and tired. I’m just over the generalizations. My 3 year old girl shows off her poop, wipes her boogies everywhere, giggles at her own farts, has stinky morning breath and smelly feet at the end of every day. Not because she’s a wild rough and tumble tomboy, but because she’s a KID. Plain and simple.

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    • 6

      Annie says

      The author is speaking from her experience because she is the mom of boys, but the title includes all toddlers, not just boys. Don’t read into what isn’t there. I’m a mom of a girl, and didn’t take offense. Most of this applies to her too. And boys and girls are different. It has nothing to do with feminism and eqyality. They just are.

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    • 7

      shellie says

      You know I just do not understand how some people get so easily offended. If it had been about girls you probably would have had a problem with that to . I am a mom to one boy and if I were to wright a blog it would be all about boys , because that is what I know . You want a blog about raising girls write one , and I promise if I read it I will not criticize you for not including boys .

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    • 8

      Julie says

      Being a mother to both a girl and a boy I saw a lot of my son and daughter in this article! My daughter isn’t much of a tomboy but we had a rule she could not touch anything that crawled, flew, hopped, or slithered! Where my son was afraid of butterflies, well he has been stung twice. My daughter was the gassiest person I knew and she would not tell you when she’d do it, I mean they were like dirty bombs! Now my son thinks it’s hilarious and you always knew it was him. Now that she’s older, 12, lol, she usually does it in an enclosed car and makes you roll down the windows! Both of their hygiene sucks, I’m threatening on a daily basis and both of them and they are 12 and 8. I really think God had a sense of humor when they made my daughter and he really gives you as much as you can handle. Because if I had to deal with 2 children that acted like me, well I’d go bat shit crazy!

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    • 9

      Shannon Wagner says

      Congratulations! You have just won the “flimsiest excuse to get offended” internet award of 2014. Sorry, guy on yelp who hates chain pizza stores, you were a close second.

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  2. 15

    says

    Lol yep #3&5 just kill me—sitting here watching Frozen last night and I realize all 3 (6,5&3) have their hands in their pj pants…really?!? And the pee—if they would just pay attention and stop yelling at someone down the hall or calling the dog they might just hit the toilet.

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  3. 16

    jenny luff says

    As a mum of both 2 boys and a girl, boys are worse at the young age, emptying wardrobes to find a pair of underwear, or weeing in wonky lines, but with friends of teenage girls & boys they tell me that the wardrobe emptying will slowly reverse and the girls will get the worse. so maybe boys are smelly when young and girls are messy when older! but of course you can’t generlise anything as it will depends on parenting styles and the kid themself!

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