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Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy

What started as an innocent on-line baby book to chronicle Jill's stay-at-home days with her children, (Lily, Ben, and Evan) quickly transformed into a vibrant community of parents, brought together by a common theme: Parenting doesn’t have to be perfect. Learn more here.

@scarymommy

NYT bestselling author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies). Fond of curse words, sarcasm and Diet Coke.

The hilarious (and tragic) truth on feeding kids from @LShirtliffe http://t.co/VO50V1XG8A - 16 hours ago

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Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)

• The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
• Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
• Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013

The day will come when our daughter, our sweet little P, will want to know how her father, A, and I met. You know, our great true love story, the fireworks, flowing champagne, etc. We probably have a few years until we have to tell her that story, but it’s probably a good idea if we came up with a slightly, ahem, different version than the truth.

Because once she knows our story, our cover will be blown. We will not be able to give her any credible advice on boys, men, or relationships in general. As in zero, zip, zilch, nada.

Here is a list of specific things we can’t advise her about:

1. Don’t marry young. Don’t use us as your inspiration! True, we were only 21 and 24 when we got married, but times were so different then! Most people didn’t have internet at home, digital cameras existed outside of phones, and Mel Gibson was completely normal. And people got married young in the 90s all the time. Really.

2. Don’t you dare marry your study-abroad adventure. Especially if you are studying abroad in Europe, like Italy for example. And you meet said adventure during a crazy party, like carnival in Venice (just using a random example, of course). Those marriages never pan out. We were just lucky.

3. Make sure you know your mate for a good while before you get married. I mean, you should definitely turn a man down if he proposes after knowing you for only two weeks. Because that just shows that he’s crazy. And you should most definitely know a man for more than four months before you actually agree to marry him. Of course, I’m using “two weeks” and “four months” as hypothetical figures.

4. Try to meet his family before you make any crazy decisions, like actually becoming part of that family. Your future mother-in-law’s first words to you should not be, “Are you sure you want to get married?” And if they are, smile graciously and say yes.

5. Don’t buy your wedding dress from a catalogue (those paper things with pictures and prices in them). That’s all I have to say on that subject.

6. Try not to get married on a Tuesday. You see, when you pick a date that’s significant to you and your fiancé, make sure you check the calendar to see if the date actually falls on a weekend. If not, please change it so that it does fall on a Saturday. If not, you will have a slew of grumpy guests who will have to go to work the next morning.

This is, of course, the short list of what not to do. The long list…well, maybe when she’s older. Much, much older.

M blogs at Third Culture, where she (mostly) talks about what it’s like to raise an American-born child in America when neither parent is American. M was born in Iran and came to the U.S. when she was nine, and her husband is Italian, and moved to the States when he was an adult.