Two-Year-Old Goes For A Joyride In His Tiny BMW At 2AM

South Carolina toddler hits the road in his toy car at 2am

No parent wants to be woken up in the middle of the night to find the police at their door to talk to them about their child. It would be especially alarming, however, if your child was two-years-old and was pulled over while driving a BMW. But that’s exactly what happened to two South Carolina parents in the early morning hours on Sunday.

It seems that during the middle of the night their son snuck out of the house while his parents, those poor people of the impending heart attacks, slept. He climbed into his battery-powered BMW X6, pressed the “On” button, and headed off to wherever it is a two-year-old drives to in the middle of the night — we’re guessing it involved snacks. His BMW, by the way, has leather seats, anti-skid wheels, and working headlights which we’re sure he didn’t turn on. He probably didn’t check his mirrors, either. He’s a madman!

A passerby spotted the boy about a quarter of a mile from his home and thought, Either Benjamin Button is going on a beer run, or this child shouldn’t be here. Like Grandpa after one too many Coors Lights, the boy was moseying down a residential street at about 3 miles an hour wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants and a diaper. The good samaritan stopped the boy and called the police. According to Ken Bell, the public information officer for the Sumter County Sheriff’s Office, the boy was lucky he got stopped when he did: “If he would have gone any further he would have hit a main road.” After bringing the boy to the police station, the cops were able to figure out which home the toddler came from because of — not even kidding — small tire marks they found near his house.

Here’s how we imagine that played out:

Cop One: “Hey, I think I found something.”

Cop Two: “Whatcha got, Simms?”

Cop One: “Looks like tire marks…really small tire marks. Think this could be our guy?”

(Cop Two crouches down, scrapes his pinky down one of the tread marks, and gently licks his finger)

Cop Two: “Hm…non-toxic material…silver rims…integrated MP3 player…and a slight hint of sweet potato. Yup, this is him. Call it in.”

[And scene]

Bell also said that the boy wasn’t scared, but instead “seemed confused” about why they were taking him to the police station. You know who was scared and confused? Action Jackson’s parents. Bell described how they were notified: “The police asked them if they had a 2-year-old son and they said yes. Police asked [them] to check if he was in bed and he wasn’t. They were shocked.” We’re going to go ahead and guess that “shocked” isn’t quite the word to describe their reaction. More accurate descriptions would be: horrified, pee-soaked, highly distressed, petrified, praying to any and all Gods, unglued, panicked, and let’s say vexed.

No charges will be filed against the parents, as DSS and the police found they did nothing wrong. And they didn’t. If anybody out there looks at this situation and says, “Oh, yeah. Of course,” then you’re a lying liar. There are some things you can’t anticipate as a parent, and your two-year-old going for a late-night drive is right near the top of the list.

In the end, “authorities suggested putting a chain lock on their door.” Good call. Some motion-activated floodlights might not be a bad option, either. Or they could set a trap next to the car using a laptop with Paw Patrol on a loop and a cargo net.

Just trying to think outside the box.

Regardless, this situation could have been disastrous and we are all glad that the boy is safe. As Bell put it, “We were fortunate it was a happy ending. So many things could have gone wrong.”