The urban dictionary. A place where even a 39-year-old mom can go to learn “what these darn kids are saying these days.”
As I browsed through the urban dictionary, I noticed words that I think I helped invent 20 years ago spaced in between words I had never heard of, and that kind of scared me.
I also noticed that I recognized some of the words, but my definitions were just a little different.
Welcome to the urban dictionary translated for moms:
Urban dictionary: A place where things that are lost are located.
Motherhood: Only mothers seem to know the directions to Lostralia.
Junk in the trunk
Urban dictionary: Having a prodigious butt.
Motherhood: When you open up the back of your car and lollipop wrappers, cheese cracker boxes, cellophane from straws and used tissues fall out in a heap onto the ground.
Urban dictionary: A child had by a celebrity just for the attention.
Motherhood: A small child that can’t stop crawling all over your body, clinging to you in a desperate attempt to fuse back into your womb and dangling off of your neck like a human necklace.
Urban dictionary: To put forth an inhuman amount of effort in the attempt to get away with doing nothing at all.
Motherhood: My 8-year-old, every day.
Urban dictionary: A point in a conversation where you say something that you really didn’t mean to say.
Motherhood: My 3-year-old talking to anyone in public.
Urban dictionary: A morning wood of biblical proportions.
Motherhood: After being caught by your child “in the act,” the supreme effort you put into gaining back that loving feeling.
Urban dictionary: The thin nasty liquid that drips from the ketchup bottle before the thick sauce reaches the opening.
Motherhood: The thin nasty liquid that drips from your kid’s lips because they can’t stop talking with their mouth full.
Urban dictionary: When you find yourself on a date with someone who bores you to the point that you find yourself asleep with your eyes open.
Motherhood: In an attempt to remember why exactly you decided to attach yourself to your current life-partner and reproduce their spawn, you go to a nice restaurant and accidentally fall asleep in your pasta primavera.
Urban dictionary: When you wave to someone you know and another person intercepts your wave mistakenly as if you are waving to them.
Motherhood: That awkward moment when your toddler excitedly recognizes their dad at the grocery store and yells “Daddy!” But dad is at his office across town. And your toddler is actually waving to a 19-year-old college guy. And then you both die of embarrassment.
Restless Lip Syndrome
Urban dictionary: When a person keeps interrupting a conversation and can’t keep their mouth shut.
Motherhood definition: My 3-year-old, every day.
Urban dictionary: That feeling that college students experience where they feel so exhausted that the idea of their face hitting their pillow sounds so utterly fantastic, it’s almost sexual.
Motherhood: You think college makes you tired?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Urban dictionary: The movements you make with your hand when trying to get your TV to recognize your remote control.
Motherhood: The movements you make while trying to wrestle the remote away from your weirdly strong toddler.
Urban dictionary: A promotion without a raise or bonus.
Motherhood: What my children do when I say, “Please freaking hurry up and get your shoes and socks on!”
Urban dictionary: That phase of being 1/2 awake & 1/2 asleep.
Motherhood: The phase you are in until your children are successfully paying for their own mortgage.
Urban dictionary: A completely worthless conversation, wherein nothing is illuminated, explained or otherwise elaborated upon.
Motherhood: Every conversation that I have before 5:30 p.m.
There are about 100 of these translations we can totally use as moms.
Now, if you’ll just HMU (Hold My Unicorn) I’ll stop aarping (complaining like an old person) and get my pluto booty (non-existent butt) out of here.
OK. I’ll stop now.