Before I had kids, I would roll my eyes whenever one my friends used their children as an excuse to get out of something or to get me to forgive something. “Who does that?” I’d mutter to my husband. Me, that’s who. And probably you, too, if you have kids.
Do any of these sound familiar?
1. That time the entire box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls vanished in less than 24 hours and you told your spouse these two lies: “The kids wanted them,” and “The kids ate them.”
2. That time you were scrolling through Facebook while grocery shopping with the baby and you accidentally grabbed an orange from the pretty display and managed to send two hundred oranges rolling across the floor. When the produce manager came around the corner, you tucked your phone in your purse, pointed to the baby and said, “I’m so sorry my baby knocked over your display!”
3. That time when your childless friend called to invite you out for drinks at 9:30 p.m. on a Wednesday night and you looked at the t-shirt and yoga pants you were wearing and the TV remote control in your hand with Mad Men queued up on Netflix and said, “I really wish I could, but the kid has been up every two hours vomiting and I wouldn’t want to pass it on to you.”
4. That time when your boss asked if you could stay and extra hour and even though your daycare is open until 7 p.m. you said, “If I don’t pick my kids up by 5:30, they’ll charge me extra.”
5. That time your spouse asked you to make your signature lasagna for dinner and you ordered pizza instead because, “The kids have been so good today that I promised them they could have whatever they wanted for dinner.”
6. That time you asked the sales clerk to bring you a bigger size because, “I had a baby and I still haven’t gotten back to my pre-pregnancy weight.” (Which is true, but your “baby” is 8 years old.)
7. That time you told your friends you couldn’t come over to watch the game because you were on kid duty, when really you could care less about the game and just wanted to hang out with your kid.
8. That time you left the company picnic early, telling your coworkers that your daughter had an accident and you didn’t have any extra clothes on hand, when really you were going to see Frozen.
9. That time you were 20 minutes late dropping your son off to school because you overslept and you told the teacher, “Sorry. He was practicing tying his shoes and I didn’t want to discourage him.”
10. That time you were asked for a favor by someone who never appreciates it anyway and you told him, “I really wish I could, but I have to help the kids with their homework.”