1. Play them where they lie.
Oh, how sweet! You just sang my little angel to sleep. Did I mention how many times they woke up last night? Make yourself comfortable, buddy. You’re going to be in that exact position for as long as it takes for the baby to get a proper nap.
2. There will be noise control.
What am I saying – that sounds silly. Almost implies that I would let there be noise! When you spend an hour lulling your screaming child back to sleep after the hysterics involving rejected teething rings and Orajel, any sound is too loud. That creak of the cupboard is the equivalent to a nuke, in my book, and will be treated as such.
3. No non-parent opinions or advice.
Hey, I get it. If you aren’t a parent (or have never been involved with raising a child) then all my complaining may sound a little excessive. Hell, six months ago I would have been right there along with you. But your advice on teething tablets and counting sheep is more than a little unwarranted. And I have just one thing to say to you, pal: “Just you wait. Your time will come.”
4. Come bearing gifts.
The sleeping patterns of a baby are already hard enough to take. Add a child who’s severely uncomfortable while waiting for that glorious tooth to break through and you’ve got a disaster looming. So if I don’t seem like my normal self when we talk, it’s because I’m not.
I have a millions things running through my sleep-deprived mind. “How long till the Tylenol wears off? Maybe I can inject this coffee straight into my system. Why can’t babies just be born with teeth? Wait, no, scratch that. Terrible idea. Terrible.” So if it’s really important that we hang out, for the love of all that is holy, bring a girl a cup of coffee and maybe I’ll be able to focus on that twit at your work.
5. Be patient with us.
Friends and family, I know I’ve been driving you crazy and my bundle of joy hasn’t exactly been a picnic in the park. I’m going to tell you all something that I tell myself at least three times a day: “Teething won’t last forever.” Say it with me now – teething won’t last forever. It won’t last forever …