Wake the Fuck Up

Of course you have heard of the book, Go the Fuck to Sleep. I would like to suggest a follow up, inspired by my husband…


The dishes are washed, everything tidy in its place
The leftovers boxed up, my dear, and the counters wiped away
I’ve asked you six times, don’t make me say it again
Please, for the love of God
Just empty the fucking trash can.


You work hard and need your rest
I do know that and care
But you slept all night and napped three times
You’ve more than gotten your share
It’s time to awake and get on with the day
Wake the fuck up already, you hear me OK?


You’ve been flipping for an hour
But have yet to pick a show
Could you be more annoying?
The answer is no.
Surrender the remote, I’ll ask one last time
or I’m kicking you out, on your fucking behind.


The day is getting dim
Soon it will be night
I can’t see a thing, my love
You have to know I’m right
I’m not as tall as you so I need your larger height
Would it kill you to change that fucking hall light?


I know you feel sick but I do as well
My nose is stuffy too
and my throat sore as hell
Please stop complaining
It’s just a little cold
So shut up and cope
You’re not that fucking old


I love you so much
I value what you say
But now I’m trying to sleep
And you’re keeping me awake
For the last time, my sweet,
I just don’t give a crap.
Enough already, really
Just shut your fucking pie trap.


I’m laying in bed, desperately needing my rest
You’ve been sleeping for hours
Happily passed out on your chest,
How are you so loud, I really don’t know
But if you don’t fucking stop snoring,
You’re gonna have to go.


Is this too much to ask,
from the man I adore?
I really don’t get why I’m so easy to ignore.
Start listening to me, that’s all there is to it.
Oh, and the dog needs a walk
Just fucking do it.


About the writer


In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)

From Around the Web


Kristen 3 years ago

Thanks for that one. After the past few weeks I needed a laugh.

bunny wardlaw 3 years ago


Kay 3 years ago

This literally describes my house…3 naps are typical and just start listening and get off the god damn iPad!!!

Eve 3 years ago

wow, I LOVE this! Too close to the truth to even think of showing my hubby though! :-)

mommaschaefer 3 years ago

So true! Although I would have to add a stanza something like…
I’ve just stumbled into bed
after falling asleep with the little heads.
All I want to do is read,
but you think a reach-around is in need!

Sammy 3 years ago

I love this. Made me laugh out loud, then realized my husband was looking at me like I’m retarded. Thankyou! :)

tina 3 years ago

love it

Manda Bartlett 3 years ago

This is amazing. I read your article that linked to this and agree in many ways! If it is okay I would like to link to you from my blog :)


Heidi Bryan 3 years ago

Dear God…so true, and so nice to know I am not alone. My friend recently had a baby, and she asked me “is it normal that I just kind of want to kick him in the head when the baby wakes me up for the third time that night, and he is still sleeping? And then he complains about how badly he slept. ” I simply said “yes, yes it is perfectly normal.”

Ingrid 3 years ago

Perfect! I totally resemble this, my DH is snoring on the couch right now and his hockey game is over, time for me to grab that remote.

Heidi Bryan 3 years ago

beyond perfect :) It is the mantra we must all say. Glad to know I am not alone

Kitty 4 years ago

I love you, Scary Mommy. I fucking LOVE you. that is all…

sarahlynne 4 years ago

That was hilarious! I was laughing out loud. Thank you for that.

Jennifer 4 years ago

An oldie but goodie!

Mercy 4 years ago

Why is it that sick men turn into such babies?

Amanda 4 years ago


Dominika 4 years ago

I am new to your blog, have been glued to my computer for hours reading all your posts!
This made my day, week, month and YEAR. love it and thank you for your genuine honesty.

Bohemian Hijabi 4 years ago

I would like to have this printed on a T-shirt, if I could. Just when I thought you couldn’t be any more awesome…

Jo-Anna 4 years ago

omg. Seriously, this is so hilarious. Calling in the hubby to read it right now. Love it. All of it!!

Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity 4 years ago

That’s hilarious. I’ve told my husband that if he doesn’t start using the pile of Breathe Right strips I bought him, I’m going to shove them up his ass as I shove him out the door.

His snores can wake the dead. I’m sorry you have the same problem.

Ann 4 years ago

I’m so late to this parade. Fantastic. Just awesome.

Mandy 4 years ago

Wonderful. I swear, if the kids didn’t know how to read, I’d put it on the fridge.

Mandy 4 years ago

Oh my gosh…that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I think I will post it in my house!

Heather 4 years ago


Marta 4 years ago

OMG I love it. Hilarious. I’m emailing it to my husband now =)

NICOLE 4 years ago

oh this is great… totally feel ya!

Kelly 4 years ago

Love it! Unfortunately, we can all relate! My husband and the cat are starting to look like twins! The snoring! – My mom told me a neat little trick she does to my dad – when she can’t take the snoring one more second, she pinches his *nose closed and then he has to open his mouth to breathe. It works in most cases, unless my husband’s mouth is already open, and he’s doing that crazy sleep apnea type snore – then I just wake him up and tell him to roll over. *Don’t hold both openings closed at the same time. lol.

The Flying Chalupa 4 years ago

I love Go the Fuck to Sleep and I love your version.

Men are as equally annoying as children. And if you ever get your husband to change the hall light, send him over to put some outlet covers on, would you? Mine is indisposed. With ESPN.

Skye Diaz | motherhood, etc. 4 years ago

you need to put this under “must read posts” below!!

@rookiemum 4 years ago

This is now the anthem of Mom/Wives in my neighborhood! Thanks for the laugh out loud and for the knowledge that there are others out there behind gritted teeth whose heads are screaming this too!!

Team Suzanne 4 years ago

I hope you get the band back together, put this sucker to music, and make it an anthem. Nicely done!

Jessica 4 years ago

So hilarious. You have crazy-amazing talent.
I truly thought I was the only one with half the lights in my house burnt out.

Johanna 4 years ago

I LOVE it!

Elaine 4 years ago

You realize you should totally have published this, right? Every wife in American would buy a copy.

NoDramaMomma 4 years ago

LOL! Add just a few more “fucks” and you have a normal conversation with my husband.

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 4 years ago

This is award-winning. And an ode to most husbands.

Michelle Saunderson 4 years ago

Too funny!!!!

Erin 4 years ago

I only hate naps when the husband is taking one!!!!

Paula @ thewilyweez 4 years ago

This is too funny!

Kate 4 years ago

I’m in love with this. Sending to my husband now!

cindafuckingrella 4 years ago

That is fucking beautiful! You are a poet.

Tiaras & Tantrums 4 years ago

holy hell – my husband would SNAP if I posted something like this!! BUT frankly – I LOVE IT!

lej 4 years ago

Such a relief to know that I am not alone!

Sarah 4 years ago

I didn’t think it was possible to love you more, Jill. But yes, you just proved that it is :)

I <3 you!!

(BTW – its totally legit that I used the <3 now, since its in the dictionary).

Heidi Blix 4 years ago

Love it!!!!!!!!!!

mommy23girls 4 years ago


Kelley 4 years ago

This was hilarious!!

Optimistic Mom 4 years ago

How did you read my mind?? I have definitely been there…….

Georgie 4 years ago

I love this so much I want to frame it and give it to my husband.

Julie 4 years ago

I’m gonna need to see some illustrations.

Sabrina 4 years ago


Bridget 4 years ago

I think I need to read this to my sleeping husband, right now!

Nicki 4 years ago

Hilarious!!!! I love it!

wendy @ mama one to three 4 years ago

the best. You really are THAT good. Sharing with everyone.


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