20 (Questionable) Ways To Name Your Baby



Once the lines have settled on the pregnancy test, and your prenatal vitamins are placed prominently on your nightstand, it’s time to choose a name. Shakespeare said, “What’s in a name?” and I’d like to respond with, “Uh. EVERYTHING.”

Having trouble picking a name? Why not try these:

1. Tell everyone within earshot what names you’re considering, so they can shoot them all down and offer their own superior suggestions.

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2. Open a baby name book to a random page, close your eyes, and point. If it’s in the book, it’s gotta be good, right?

3. Name the kid after a pop culture icon who will be obsolete by the time your baby enters preschool. Kardashian, Gosling, and Twilight are great options.

4. Better yet, combine the names of TWO pop culture icons who will be obsolete by the time your baby enters preschool. Kanyeiber (Kanye + Justin Bieber) or Beyoncyrus (Beyonce + Miley Cyrus) for example.

5. Go with where your child was conceived. Sure, “Neighbor’s Pool Table” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, but oh the stories you could tell!

6. Let the doctor decide. He does this all day long, so he has to have some good ideas.

7. Put a poll up on your blog and ask your readers to vote. Because the internet deserves the power to name your child.

8. Spell out your favorite TV station. Emteevee looks super cute when you write it like that.

9. Play pin the tail on the alphabet. Tape all the letters in the alphabet to a wall, put on a blindfold, and place 5-7 stickers on random letters. Pray you choose a vowel.

10. Let your older kid slam on the keyboard for three seconds and use whatever comes out. Gyjuvyurdtxpijoty for the win!

11. Go the nature route. Don’t do typical nature names like Meadow and Forest though. Choose unique names like Magma or Dung Beetle.

12. Pick a classic name, but jazz it up with some extra consonants and vowels. Daniel becomes Dhahnyiell and Sara turns into Zhszhairrah.

13. Choose a tech-related name. Dotcom, Siri or British GPS Lady could work.

14. Use their name to choose their future profession. Linebacker or Flautist for example. Name it and claim it!

15. Find a meaning you like and choose a name accordingly. I’m certain there are plenty of names which mean “one who emerges from the womb destined to color on walls in permanent marker.”

16. Don’t give the kid a name. Instead, allow him or her to choose their own name as a present on their third birthday. Kids have great judgment skills.

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17. Combine two or three of your favorite elements from the Periodic Table. What about HeNaPb?

18. Do like Prince and just draw a doodle on the birth certificate. You can always pull a Puff Daddy and change it later.

19. Pay homage to your favorite food. I’m a fan of Pho, Ribeye, and Cheesy Gordita myself.

20. Or your favorite drink. How badass would “Michelob Ultra” sound at high school graduation?

Happy naming!

Related post: Shit, I Chose The Wrong Name For My Kid


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        • Karina says

          HA! At least YOU spelled it correctly. It’s even worse when it’s “Brittni”, “Britney”, “Britnee”, “Brittnie”, and every other godawful way people try to “make it different.” We all know your special snowflake is EXTRA SPECIAL AND UNIQUE, but please don’t take it out on them (and the rest of us) by deciding that the rules of English spelling & phonetics don’t apply to said snowflake. When they start putting in job applications, potential employers WILL assume: a) they are illiterate AND B) that they come from a long line of illiterates.

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    • Terri says

      Or leave vowels out. My Grandson was named Bradly, not Bradley.

      On the other hand, I have a grand niece that was named Rylee Mae, after our Great Grandmother’s middle name and her husband’s last name. For some reason, it fits her prefectly.

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  1. says

    Haha. I will say I did use two rules when naming my daughter. Make it sound good for “All rise for Supreme Court Justice….” and sound bad for “Let’s hear it for our lovely lady tonight….” Good for justice, bad for stripper.

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  2. says

    I never struggled with this – I did however call our lil man “blip” from day of positive test to the day we found out he was a boy! Hubby thought I was nuts but in the end he was named with a book character anyways!!

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