Milling about on the playground, waiting for the first bell to ring, or maybe at school events or after-school soccer practice, we just can’t help ourselves. We slyly check out the other mothers surrounding us. Because we’re human! Which means we intuit, sense, perceive, feel and oh-so-definitely judge.
With a little help from the famous Myers-Briggs personality test, which identifies 16 possible personality types, we can save you from wondering, “Is she someone I should approach to help with School Spirit Day?” or “Why does she inspire abject terror in me?“
In fact, because you’re so busy—duh, you’re a mom!—we’ll make it easy on you. Skip the official MB Indicator altogether. Just scan this list. Find yourself. Find your friends. And find the mom out there who makes you want to hide behind the flagpole when she walks by.
INFJ (Into Natural Food/Juicing)
You’re crunchier than a bag of kale chips. Your kid weirdly says “Namaste” instead of “Good morning.” Bonus: Your Birkenstocks are back in style.
ISFP (Instagram-Sharing Fitness Pics)
You live in Lycra. Two weeks after birthing your fourth baby, you post selfies wearing a bikini with the caption: “What’s your excuse?” Seriously: Shut up.
ESFP (Exceptionally Sulky Following PTA)
You talk over others and take every vote to the mat. You grab parents by the elbow after the meeting—just as they’re envisioning a glass of wine and a DVR’d episode of Louie. You know who you are.
ISTJ (Insults Staff, Then Judges)
You complain to the office ladies about your kid not making it into that lunchtime enrichment program. Even though you forgot to turn in the paperwork, you put the blame squarely on them.
ESTJ (Earnest Soul Through Jesus)
You’re the nice lady who drives a big American car with an oversized cross swinging from the rear-view mirror. Your fifth-grade girl is known to corner younger students and scare them with graphic descriptions of sex.
INFP (Intellectually Numb From Parenting)
Poor thing. You have a newborn and twin boys in kindergarten. You haven’t showered in days, much less gone online to skim the latest headlines. Worse, you’ve forgotten your name, the year and what it’s like to sleep for even two hours without interruption.
ESTP (Earning 7x the Principal)
Your Christian Louboutin pumps cost more than your teacher’s secondhand Honda Accord. You pull your kids from school a week before their official break to ski in Vail or beach at St. Barts. You have fabulous skin despite all that sun exposure.
INTJ (Into Nothing, Totally Jaded)
You’re the eye-rolling type. You’d sooner chew nails than help with the school fundraiser. Occasionally, you’re overheard dropping the F-bomb within earshot of impressionable youth.
ENFP (Emoji * Netflix * Facebook * Pinterest)
Look up from your damn iPhone, Mama! Your kid is eating dirt.
INTP (Irritatingly Nervous Toward Playdates)
We know: Your kid has a peanut allergy and is gluten-free. His EpiPen is safely stored in his backpack. We promise, the nanny won’t drive him anywhere. Yep, we lock up all our guns.
ENTP (Edgy-Negative Type on Playground)
You still wear purple Doc Martens and cropped Nirvana T-shirts, even though you haven’t been to a concert in 17 years and you’ve got a pronounced muffin top. You are literally too cool for school.
ISFJ (Internet-Surfing Freelance Journalist)
Code for: You wear shorts and flip-flops at drop-off and pickup. Also: You make vague mentions of “deadlines” that prevent you from volunteering in class. Ever.
ENTJ (Eating—NOT!!/Tennis /Junior League)
A description of your priorities. In that order. Sometimes you loudly and condescendingly dis J.Crew’s vanity sizes because they’re not true size 0s.
ENFJ (Everywoman Never Feeling Jammed!)
You work crazy hours. Whip up batches of chocolate chip cookies at 1 a.m. for the bake sale the next morning. Still find time for Pilates twice a week. Coffee is your mantra, and your kids obviously adore you. You make the rest of us feel like complete and total shit.
ISTP (Inspires Student Toilet-Papering)
You’re the parent every high school kid in town loves to target at 2 a.m., armed with a Costco-purchased supply of Charmin Ultra Soft. Don’t pretend you don’t know why.
ESFJ (Engaging * Smart * Funny * Joyful)
The mom friend every woman at school is searching for. You’re sort of like Sasquatch or UFOs: elusive but spotted occasionally. Part urban legend, part Amy Poehler.
[Author’s note: For the record, I’m a tie between INTP and ISFJ.]