What Marriage Vows Really Mean

real-marriage-vows

I’m a happily married woman, but don’t tell my husband that. I like to keep him guessing.

We recently celebrated our anniversary and discussed renewing our vows next year. This isn’t so much because we need to remind ourselves of the contract we entered into — I’m reminded of that every night when I listen to him snore. Rather, we thought it would be good to have an excuse to leave the Midwest in April and return to the beach where we wed. After all, it beats scraping frost off of our windshields.

When discussing our plans, I got to thinking about our vows and what they actually mean. I know what they’re supposed to mean and I take that part seriously, but after being married for a few years, I have realized there are alternate meaning to the vows…

· In sickness and in health … I will limit my eye rolls when you complain about being sick.

· I take thee to be my lawfully wedded spouse …  and I look forward to joint filing on taxes.

· I receive you into my life …  and my bank account.

· I promise to be faithful …  I don’t have time for anyone else.

· I will obey you …  as long as you agree with me.

· I promise to laugh with you …  and at you.

· I promise to be a patient parent to our children … and count to ten before I yell at them.

· I will help guide you through life … After all, I am the boss.

· To share in the gift of offspring …  because I can’t do it alone.

· I promise to comfort you in times of need … but not give up the comfortable spot on the couch.

· No matter what lies in our path …  or when I total our brand new car.

· I promise to hold your hand until the end of days …  or until your palms get sweaty.

· With this ring I wed …  but it won’t be the only ring we’ll purchase for me.

· To have and to hold …  but not to spoon or snuggle too much.

· For richer or poorer …  but hopefully just for richer.

· ‘Til death do us part …  and until life insurance kicks in.

Even after analyzing these vows, I still think I will renew them next year. After all, I’ve discovered the secret to a happy marriage: It’s comprised of two parts love, one part honesty and respect and one part fear of the wife.

It’s a formula that works for us.

Comments

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    • 2

      says

      I don’t think that obey part should be in any person’s vows, mostly because it doesn’t make sense. If you both say you will obey each other, then who ends up being the decision maker? It seems like a recipe for stalemate.

      I prefer to just be in charge. It works for us.

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      • 3

        Jay says

        ‘It works for *us*.’ It works for *you*. I doubt you give any consideration to your husband’s thoughts, input, feelings, etc. Just so long as he’s signing the checks, amirite.
        Yes. I realize the article is for humor.

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        • 4

          Gorgy says

          Yeah, maybe the article is for humor, but too many women in America actually believe they’re the boss and a good husband does everything she says. Lots of miserable married men out there, who are then kicked when their down by divorce courts.

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        • 5

          Matt Newlin says

          As Lisa’s husband I can say that she’s an amazing wife and our marriage works for *US.* She is a funny woman who writes sarcastic pieces; pieces that are usually enjoyed by people who don’t take themselves too seriously.

          Sorry you didn’t get the joke.

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    • 20

      says

      I think you have ALL the cards right now since you’re pregnant! I would blame everything on hormones and eat whatever I wanted ALL. THE. TIME!

      And after the baby comes, you’ll always have the built in excuse of “I grew this baby and sacrificed myself. So I’m taking a nap now.”

      It’s part of the reason I’m sad I don’t have kids….for the excuse!

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

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    • 22

      says

      Not necessarily. My marriage is wonderul. This piece isn’t meant to be serious. It’s a sattire on marriage. It’s a humor site that pokes fun at things. I’m married and he isn’t going anywhere!

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      • 23

        Jay says

        Many truths are told in jest. Your husband “isn’t going anywhere” because he knows how financially disastrous it would for him.
        What’s it like being a 45+ year old teenager?

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        • 24

          Matt Newlin says

          Jay, if I wanted to know what it was like to be a 45+ year old teenager, I’d just ask you.

          As for me and my wife, we couldn’t be happier and I agree with her; I’m not going anywhere (except for all the trips we take.)

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    • 31

      says

      Those really are the two biggest things. If you do both you’re destined for a long and happy marriage, just like yours. Of course, I add lots of laughter in there too!

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

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      • 34

        says

        Magen, it’s good to know your sense of humor and sarcasm are in tact. It also looks like Mike could use a tune-up on satire…

        Cheers! I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for commenting!

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        • 35

          Tom Leykis says

          Attitudes, comments and beliefs like yours are why I required a prenuptial agreement for my 1, and only, marriage and hit the eject button after 4 years. Marriage is vastly overrated, utterly pointless and financially risky……….for men. Every man should require a prenuptial agreement before even considering marriage. There is NOTHING I can get from being marriage that I can’t more easily obtain by having girlfriends, which I do. And, when I break up with them, I don’t have to go to family law court to end it. I just tell them goodbye and good luck. A 55% divorce rate and women filing for divorce in over 75% of the case doesn’t lie. Divorce is the transfer of unearned wealth to an undeserving party. It’s that simple.

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          • 36

            says

            I’m a woman who makes 70% of our household income. The only risk my marriage had was for me. I’m a lawyer and am very aware of prenups, but I decided to take that plunge without one. I”m not sorry. I am sorry you feel that way about marriage, but not all marriages are bad, and not all of them are detrimental only to men; especially financially.

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          • 37

            Tom Leykis says

            Ms. Newlin, the empirical data and facts don’t lie. If you’d like I’d be more than happy to share them with you as you seem to be ignorant of the data, willfully misinformed or myopic. My former spouse was a Surgeon and my income was 10-14 times hers, on a very bad month. I have a BS in Chem. E, a MS in Physics and an MBA in Finance and license my IP to Fortune 300 companies due to my (and my teams) hard work and creativity. I married at 30 years old and realized after 3 years it was pointless and filed on my 4th year. I would’ve been sorry to have gotten married without a prenuptial agreement. The first thing MOST women ask at the end of marriage is how much money am I going to get and when will I get it. My former spouse was no exception. She actually legally contested the prenuptial agreement but the agreement called for her to pay all of my appellate legal fees if the agreement were upheld. Guess what, it was upheld. I can safely guarantee I can and do enjoy things you never will be able to because I understand the reality of marriage and the data validates my position, unequivocally. Why would a fit, tall, rich, attractive man of 38 get married, ever. I can have kids, if I want, and not get married. Girlfriends are much easier and when the bloom is off the rose, I move on. I date exclusively but when they start talking about marriage I wish them well and move on. Not doing it.

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          • 39

            says

            “Girlfriends are much easier and when the bloom is off the rose, I move on.”

            Yes, Tom. This satirical article and educated, self-sufficient women are the reason that most marriages fail, not chauvinistic attitudes and the belief that women are things only out for men’s money. Marriage isn’t for everyone–me included–but it’s a personal decision. Thank god that you’ve made the choice to leave the ring off of your finger going forward and instead stuck it up your ass. Lighten up. It’s humor.

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          • 40

            says

            Tom! I had no idea we were exchanging resumes! Do you want me to post it here or send it to you directly?

            I’m impressed you know so much about EVERY WOMAN and EVERY DIVORCE in the world. I can’t imagine how you accumulated so much empirical data, but kudos to you for the hard work. Come to think of it, you might not have time to be married because you’re obtaining data on every marriage that ever took place.

            How far back are you tabulating? I would think it would need to go back before the birth of our nation, just to be accurate.

            Keep me posted on that!

            As for your credentials, you’re obviously very wealthy and important, as evidenced by the fact you’re on a humor/sarcasm website making comments all day. Hopefully you’re like me and on vacation this week! If so, I hope you are going somewhere nice whose bloom isn’t yet off the rose!

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          • 41

            Tom Leykis says

            Ms. Newlin,

            You’re not making very much money in law. That’s a fact. Only stupid men get married. I’ll happily compare my balance sheet, investments/income, CV and accomplishments with someone like you, anytime. It would be funny and enlightening, for you. Few things are more pathetic than vacuous, vapid “mommy bloggers”.

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          • 42

            says

            Tom, you silly, silly goose! I’m not a mommy blogger! I have no kids, mostly because I spend too much time laughing at comments from fun people like you!

            I had no idea you knew so much about my salary, investments and bank account. Please let me know where you got this info, as I need to protect my millions just in case I got hacked.

            Come to think of it, I’ll just change my investments anyway. We just met with our financial planner this morning so it will be easy to do.

            Thanks for alerting me to the breach!

            P.S. You sound really fun.

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          • 43

            says

            Oh Tom, what are you doing? Do you enjoy telling everyone how wealthy and educated and dateable you are? What’s wrong with you? What are you over compensating for? I can guess what it might be. It’s the one thing you haven’t told us is big. We all know your bank account is big. Your little black book is big. Your brain is big. But something is small and I’m thinking it’s not your heart. It can be the only answer for this kind of behavior.

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          • 44

            Christine says

            Tom, I’m guessing you are stupid, because by your definition, only stupid men get married. And, since you actually got married once, that makes you stupid. So, nanny nanny boo boo. Oh, and make sure to wipe the orange Cheeto dust off your fingers on your underwear before you respond to my comment. I’d bet you five bucks your computer is in your mother’s basement but, seemingly, you own ALL. THE. MONEY. so you clearly don’t need to win my money.

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          • 45

            says

            Oh Tom, I’ve noticed you’ve taken to making fun of me on Reddit. Awesome. I’m enjoying those threads as well, especially the comment about how I’m fat and ugly and my husband could do better. However, I noticed another dude said if he wasn’t with me he’d be a “solid 7.5.”

            So good news all around for my hubby!

            But my most favorite part of the entire Reddit thing?! Your screen name is MASSIVE PENIS!!!!!

            I think that tells us all we need to know about you…and that these comments and all the bashing of me on Reddit are pretty fricking awesome. I’m laughing out loud today at all of this!

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    • 46

      says

      Geez, Mike, that comment barely seems worth the effort of climbing out of your mom’s basement to log on to her computer.

      Marriage takes a sense of humor. If we can’t laugh at our own insecurities and our sometimes ridiculous expectations, then, yeah, marriage would be out of the question. Fortunately, this writer gets it. And I’m betting her marriage is, in fact, a happy one.

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      • 52

        says

        Exactly my sentiments!! “a fit, tall, rich, attractive man”!! Well, apparently he thinks ‘the bloom is not yet off his rose’, but I’d say he’s off his rocker!!

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    • 55

      says

      Tom, you silly, silly goose! I’m not a mommy blogger! I have no kids, mostly because I spend too much time laughing at comments from fun people like you!

      I had no idea you knew so much about my salary, investments and bank account. Please let me know where you got this info, as I need to protect my millions just in case I got hacked.

      Come to think of it, I’ll just change my investments anyway. We just met with our financial planner this morning so it will be easy to do.

      Thanks for alerting me to the breach!

      P.S. You sound really fun.

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    • 58

      Magnolia says

      Clearly you haven’t been married… it is funny but real – unless you are in one of those sects that actually thinks wives obey. This is supposed to be a laugh so be a dear and smile. Life is too short.

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    • 60

      says

      Dude… you do realize that this is satire and it’s from the perspective of BOTH sides of the marriage, right? Are you also the one who corners stand-up comedians after their set to yell at them for their jokes? You should know that no one likes that guy.

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    • 61

      Ken Susman says

      I’ve known Lisa for a long time, and her husband for much longer, and they are a loving and hilarious couple. Spend thirty seconds with them and you can clearly see that this piece is humor.

      Actually, you shouldn’t have to know them to figure it out… Her bio says she’s a humor blogger…

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  1. 82

    Jeana R. says

    What good is a marriage if you can’t enjoy it, which includes poking some fun.

    And Lisa doesn’t just lay there and take it. She prefers positions which allow her to watch “The Wonder Years” and surf Tinder without interruption.

    Priorities. ;)

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