What Marriage Vows Really Mean

real-marriage-vows

I’m a happily married woman, but don’t tell my husband that. I like to keep him guessing.

We recently celebrated our anniversary and discussed renewing our vows next year. This isn’t so much because we need to remind ourselves of the contract we entered into — I’m reminded of that every night when I listen to him snore. Rather, we thought it would be good to have an excuse to leave the Midwest in April and return to the beach where we wed. After all, it beats scraping frost off of our windshields.

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When discussing our plans, I got to thinking about our vows and what they actually mean. I know what they’re supposed to mean and I take that part seriously, but after being married for a few years, I have realized there are alternate meaning to the vows…

· In sickness and in health … I will limit my eye rolls when you complain about being sick.

· I take thee to be my lawfully wedded spouse …  and I look forward to joint filing on taxes.

· I receive you into my life …  and my bank account.

· I promise to be faithful …  I don’t have time for anyone else.

· I will obey you …  as long as you agree with me.

· I promise to laugh with you …  and at you.

· I promise to be a patient parent to our children … and count to ten before I yell at them.

· I will help guide you through life … After all, I am the boss.

· To share in the gift of offspring …  because I can’t do it alone.

· I promise to comfort you in times of need … but not give up the comfortable spot on the couch.

· No matter what lies in our path …  or when I total our brand new car.

· I promise to hold your hand until the end of days …  or until your palms get sweaty.

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· With this ring I wed …  but it won’t be the only ring we’ll purchase for me.

· To have and to hold …  but not to spoon or snuggle too much.

· For richer or poorer …  but hopefully just for richer.

· ‘Til death do us part …  and until life insurance kicks in.

Even after analyzing these vows, I still think I will renew them next year. After all, I’ve discovered the secret to a happy marriage: It’s comprised of two parts love, one part honesty and respect and one part fear of the wife.

It’s a formula that works for us.

Comments

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    • says

      I don’t think that obey part should be in any person’s vows, mostly because it doesn’t make sense. If you both say you will obey each other, then who ends up being the decision maker? It seems like a recipe for stalemate.

      I prefer to just be in charge. It works for us.

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      • Jay says

        ‘It works for *us*.’ It works for *you*. I doubt you give any consideration to your husband’s thoughts, input, feelings, etc. Just so long as he’s signing the checks, amirite.
        Yes. I realize the article is for humor.

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        • Gorgy says

          Yeah, maybe the article is for humor, but too many women in America actually believe they’re the boss and a good husband does everything she says. Lots of miserable married men out there, who are then kicked when their down by divorce courts.

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        • Matt Newlin says

          As Lisa’s husband I can say that she’s an amazing wife and our marriage works for *US.* She is a funny woman who writes sarcastic pieces; pieces that are usually enjoyed by people who don’t take themselves too seriously.

          Sorry you didn’t get the joke.

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      • says

        I’m sad you’re obsessed with material things like beauty, weight, money and prestige. I can’t imagine the emptiness there. So please, go on bashing women, weight, intellect and finances. Do it because the only people who listen are people who feel the same way as you. And that’s fine. It’s your right to feel that way. I just feel sorry for you that those are the things that matter to you.

        Two things are for certain; all the money in the world can’t buy you happiness. It also can’t buy you integrity. It’s clear those are two things missing in your arsenal. It appears as if that void is filled with hatred and trolling websites frequented by women.

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    • says

      I think you have ALL the cards right now since you’re pregnant! I would blame everything on hormones and eat whatever I wanted ALL. THE. TIME!

      And after the baby comes, you’ll always have the built in excuse of “I grew this baby and sacrificed myself. So I’m taking a nap now.”

      It’s part of the reason I’m sad I don’t have kids….for the excuse!

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

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    • says

      Not necessarily. My marriage is wonderul. This piece isn’t meant to be serious. It’s a sattire on marriage. It’s a humor site that pokes fun at things. I’m married and he isn’t going anywhere!

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      • Jay says

        Many truths are told in jest. Your husband “isn’t going anywhere” because he knows how financially disastrous it would for him.
        What’s it like being a 45+ year old teenager?

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        • Matt Newlin says

          Jay, if I wanted to know what it was like to be a 45+ year old teenager, I’d just ask you.

          As for me and my wife, we couldn’t be happier and I agree with her; I’m not going anywhere (except for all the trips we take.)

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