The Trump administration’s attempted travel ban on people from several Muslim-majority countries has many people upset, myself included. The White House issued the ban “to keep the country safe from terrorism.” Really? So far, doctors, scientists, an interpreter for the U.S. Army, several grandmas, and a 5 year-old-boy were among the detained. I don’t know about you, but I feel so much safer now.
That got me thinking about the people and things harming Americans right here, right now — the real things already destroying the very fabric of our nation. If we’re going to hate, let’s hate the right things, people. All I know is that my neighbor is Muslim, and she has never once tried to recruit me into selling essential oils or buttery leggings. So, instead of Muslims, here are just a few things in no particular order that I, myself, would like to see banned:
1. The Recorder
Or “Satan’s whistle,” as it is known around here, incites violence and hostility toward children. At home, I’m tempted to grab it from my kids’ grubby little terrorist hands and hurl it into the fireplace. I think I speak for all parents when I say this instrument of torture needs to be banned.
2. Daylight Saving Time
Yes, because getting my kids up and ready for school at dark o’clock is just what I needed to make life easier. The silver lining to this ridiculous practice: The clock in my car is finally right again — for now.
3. Excessive “Contouring”
Ladies, when putting on makeup, less is more. Stop drawing lines and stripes all over your face. You’re not fooling anyone. We still see your chins. Your nose looks like a landing strip for flies, and the rest of your face looks like a disco ball. And while I’m at it, what is with this bushy-eyebrows comeback? I spent all of the ’90s plucking my eyebrows into pencil-thin oblivion and obsessively blotting any trace of shine from my face. Now you tell me it’s sexy to look like a greasy Groucho Marx? I blame the Kardashians.
My kid has used up all the glue in Texas creating this crafty crap. It’s a national epidemic, and it must be stopped. Back in my day, we just sniffed or ate the glue like real Americans. What is happening to this country?
5. “Cash me ousside howbow dah”
Can we ban the “Cash me ousside howbow dah” girl? This is the one instance where “speak English or get out!” is totally warranted. Can we at least deem the phrase as hate speech? Because I hate it, and my kids won’t stop saying it. Cash me inside, with wine corks for earplugs so I never have to hear this dumb catchphrase again. Howbow dah?
At a stoplight recently, some goatee with Truck Nutz dangling from his Chevy was blasting new country so loud it was rattling my windows. Is that not a public safety threat? Because I wanted to beat the shit out of him for terrorizing my ears. Can we deport him and “Cash me” girl back to their country of origin, Douchebagistan?
7. 1-Ply Toilet Paper
It has malicious intent to cause harm to my delicate starfish, and it should be banned indefinitely. I find it un-American.
8. Crocs With Socks
They violate my eyeballs. Are you Mario Batali? No, you’re not. Your hostile attitude and total disregard for fashion is cause for concern. All dad fashion will be reviewed on a case-by-case basis, forthwith.
9. Fat-Free Cheese
This is a hate crime against my mouth. I can’t be sure, but I’m betting this atrocity has origins right here in the USA.
Motherfucking CLOWNS. Bye.
11. “Unboxing” Videos
What the shit even is this? My daughter is also obsessed with cake-making tutorials on YouTube. Does she then go and bake something for the family? No. No, she does not. Unless I’m getting a cake out of this, stop this cruel and senseless torture.
12. White Chocolate
And speaking of baking, so-called “white chocolate” is not even real chocolate! It’s fake chocolate, folks! Okay? Alternative chocolate! Sad!
Has anyone checked Dora the Explorer’s immigration status?! Should Boots the Monkey be quarantined until we get answers? I mean, a monkey wearing red Uggs 24/7 is cause for suspicion. Shoe bomb, anyone? I’m just saying, in the interest of public safety it should be looked into. How about that Canadian bastard, Caillou? Hey there, Canada, leave Justin Trudeau and your delicious bacon here, but send that whiney-ass doughface Caillou back to wherever he came from. Forever. And Justin Bieber: You try to distract me with your boyish charm and abs, but I’m on to you. And while we’re at it, Celine Dion needs to be put on a watch list for suspicious behavior, such as randomly breaking into song during every interview. Is this a distraction? What are you hiding, Celine?
14. Pineapple on Pizza
Who thought this was a good idea? I bet it was Guy Fieri. Pineapple on pizza, you have officially been put on notice!
15. Brazilian Waxes
Ripping all the hair off your vajungle is violence against women and a pubic safety threat. These waxes are Brazilian, hello? Not even American! Newsflash: I have hair because I am a grown-ass woman. Deal with it.
16. Blister Packs
Impossible to open blister packs on toys. Do I need a jackhammer and verification codes? Those clam shell nightmares were obviously invented by terrorists to ensure we are always too tired to fight back.
Saggy pants, Nickelback, Teen Mom — I could go on, but the point is I know we can concentrate our collective hate in the right ways for the greater good. We managed to come together as a nation and get rid of Corinne from The Bachelor, yes, but we must remain vigilant! Her unique brand of terrorism may only be napping…for now.
So forget Muslims. The real threat is here. Until we are able to pinpoint the terrorism already in our backyards, our country cannot be safe.