10 Comebacks When Assholes Criticize Public Breastfeeding

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10 Comebacks When Assholes Criticize Public Breastfeeding
I was in a lactating coma for six years. No, I did not nurse a child into elementary school. I popped out four babies in five years.

 

I was on such a hormonal rollercoaster that I could never come up with witty comebacks to assholes who made comments about public breastfeeding. When a passerby offered “Why don’t you try that at home?” I could only muster, “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” The emotional pendulum swung and I started sobbing to complete strangers, “I just said the F word in front of my baby!”

 

Now that I am out of the estrogen fog, I’d like to offer these comebacks to breastfeeding moms…

 

1. If you can use boobs to sell beer and cars, I can use mine as a buffet.

 

2. Do you eat your meal while sitting on the john?

 

3. That’s a great idea. You can borrow my blanket to put over your head.

 

4. Sorry to burst your bubble. Boobs are more than recreational fun.

 

5. Thank goodness you have a neck. Look away! LOOK AWAY!

 

6. Nursing is easier for me. I can’t hold a bottle and my wine glass at the same time!

 

7. It was an accident. I was just holding my baby when my 36Longs fell into his mouth! My bad!

 

8. If you are fishing for a snack, just wait your turn.

 

9. If you think this is gross, you should have seen the placenta. Oh, wait. I have pictures.

 

10. Trust me. No one is more horrified by my giant areola than me.

If you are currently in a lactating coma, breathe in and out. Then, practice these comeback lines. Memorize them. Being a good mother means being prepared for anything…especially, when assholes attack.

 

If you are an asshole… fuck you very much.

Comments

  1. 5

    Brianna says

    I have yet to encounter any rude people about breastfeeding in public, but I do typically try to cover with a blanket to a certain extent. These comebacks are Grade A though!

    • 6

      HouseTalkN says

      With my first, I was one step away from throwing a tablecloth over my body. By the fourth kiddo, I just whipped it out. Thanks, Brianna!

    • 7

      sarah says

      i was never confronted with comments, but i did have a very rude conversation happen loud enough for me to hear, only once. that was with my second child with my first who was 2 sitting in a high chair eating his lunch. i guess they figured if they would have said something i would have pointed to the child in the highchair.

  2. 16

    Amy says

    HAHAHA! This made me laugh out loud, and caused me to pee in my pants a little, which as most mommies know isn’t terribly out of the ordinary after you have a baby! I have actually told a waiter to tell the patron sitting 2 tables over from us who complained, to go eat his steak in the bathroom, and if he was so offended, he could stop staring at my boobs! My husband was embarrased, but told me later he was proud of me for sticking up for myself!

  3. 18

    Courtney Kirkland says

    These are great! I think my favorite is “Do you eat your meal while sitting on the John?” People get so carried away with pubic breastfeeding. Like you said, if we can use half naked women to sell cars, beer and snack foods (oh…and REALLY bad web hosting…ahem…godaddy…) then what’s everyone’s issue with breastfeeding?

  4. 20

    Anna says

    Oh this post brings me back, somehow I managed to block out all the rude comments I got when breastfeeding. I especially liked the people who complained the baby was crying and then ALSO complained when I breastfed the baby – c’mon people, it’s gonna be one or the other. Pick one!

  5. 22

    JD Bailey @ Honest Mom says

    This is AWESOME! “Nursing is easier for me. I can’t hold a bottle and my wine glass at the same time!” LOL!

    I thankfully never had anyone make snide comments to me. Which is interesting because I live in buttoned-up New England and you’d think people would be more easily offended here. Hmmm.

    • 23

      HouseTalkN says

      My sisters were able to be “discreet” nursers. I never mastered that skill and my children were audible nursers. “nom, nom, nom!” Thanks, JD!

  6. 24

    Sarah says

    I never had anyone actually say anything when I’d nurse in public but I did get the stares from people that would piss me off to no end. On the occasion that I got the stare combined with the under-the-breath-because-I-think-you-can’t-hear-my-ignorant-remark comments , the general response I gave was “If you don’t like it, don’t look. I don’t stare at you while you eat or feed your kids”

  7. 28

    Talia says

    This is BRILLIANT! It definitely made me giggle. I actually used the snack line when I was breastfeeding, except it was more along the lines of “What’s your deal with my breasts? Did your mommy never feed you this way? If not i’ve got plenty, wait your turn.” The guy turned bright red and walked away. It was awesome. I hate that in today’s society, breasts are supposed to be seen as sex objects rather than what they were created for. People have a tendency to forget they’re both. It comes down to what pleases a patriarchal society and it’s a bunch of shit dude. Satan forbid a guy sees a woman’s breast and aren’t able to fantasize about them because there’s a baby attached. Boo hoo. Go watch internet porn douches.

  8. 30

    Amy says

    I wish this list was available five years ago. My go to move was being able to sense when someone was offended, and making long, lingering eye contact with them. I didn’t have the balls to say “Why don’t you go fuck yourself,” out loud, but I could say it with my eyes. Not “Fuck me” eyes, but “Fuck YOU” eyes.

  9. 32

    Mom Off Meth says

    I also popped out four kids in five years. I will say the first one was nursed better than the last two (twins, milk didn’t come in and it was either formula, or my sanity. Can’t be a good mama if you are crazy. well…) Anyway, good and funny list. You are a rock star.

  10. 34

    Kathy at kissing the frog says

    I have nursed four babies, and have never had anyone say anything to me. Like someone above said, I was always pretty well covered. Thank goodness no one ever said anything because I couldn’t have thought of anything near as great as these. Thanks Kerry, passing these along for all new moms to pick from!

    • 35

      Arnebya says

      Kathy, the comments (or disapproving faces) made at me when nursing? I WAS covered. Fully. Just little feet poking out of the bottom of a blanket. It only happened a handful of times, thankfully, from both men and women.

      • 36

        Kathy at kissing the frog says

        Arnebya, I can’t believe that! Some people are such a-holes. It’s okay for them to ogle practically uncovered breasts in ads and on t.v. – and heck, in real life, too – but a covered up mama and baby are scandolous! Maybe people gave me looks, but I was too oblivious to notice.

    • 37

      HouseTalkN says

      Kathy! I am almost 6 ft tall so most baby blankets on me were like giving a whale a tic-tac. Meh…
      Thanks for the love!

  11. 38

    Arnebya says

    Man, I remember the few times I got nasty comments or stares. Told the man in Borders, “You keep looking at me, but I don’t work here. Go ask an employee if they have books on milk fetishes because that’s what you need, right?” Or the woman at Outback rolling her eyes walking away from the bar, “You obviously get yours from a tap, asshole, why can’t my baby.” Assholes.

  12. 42

    Brandy P says

    The only time anyone ever said anything to me was a little old lady who told me she was proud of me for doing it and not letting people get to me.

    I got stared at one time and I just stared back with the afore mentioned “fuck you eyes” and she eventually got flustered and walked off. People are idiots.

    • 43

      HouseTalkN says

      Little old ladies are the best! A little old lady once helped me pack my groceries while my infant screamed bloody murder!

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