10 Comebacks When Assholes Criticize Public Breastfeeding


I was in a lactating coma for six years. No, I did not nurse a child into elementary school. I popped out four babies in five years.

I was on such a hormonal roller coaster that I could never come up with witty comebacks to assholes who made comments about public breastfeeding. When a passerby offered “Why don’t you try that at home?” I could only muster, “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” The emotional pendulum swung and I started sobbing to complete strangers, “I just said the F word in front of my baby!”

Now that I am out of the estrogen fog, I’d like to offer these comebacks to breastfeeding moms…

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1. If you can use boobs to sell beer and cars, I can use mine as a buffet.

2. Do you eat your meal while sitting on the john?

3. That’s a great idea. You can borrow my blanket to put over your head.

4. Sorry to burst your bubble. Boobs are more than recreational fun.

5. Thank goodness you have a neck. Look away! LOOK AWAY!

6. Nursing is easier for me. I can’t hold a bottle and my wine glass at the same time!

7. It was an accident. I was just holding my baby when my 36Longs fell into his mouth! My bad!

8. If you are fishing for a snack, just wait your turn.

9. If you think this is gross, you should have seen the placenta. Oh, wait. I have pictures.

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10. Trust me. No one is more horrified by my giant areola than me.

If you are currently in a lactating coma, breathe in and out. Then, practice these comeback lines. Memorize them. Being a good mother means being prepared for anything…especially, when assholes attack.

If you are an asshole… fuck you very much.


The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. Brianna says

    I have yet to encounter any rude people about breastfeeding in public, but I do typically try to cover with a blanket to a certain extent. These comebacks are Grade A though!

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    • sarah says

      i was never confronted with comments, but i did have a very rude conversation happen loud enough for me to hear, only once. that was with my second child with my first who was 2 sitting in a high chair eating his lunch. i guess they figured if they would have said something i would have pointed to the child in the highchair.

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    • Sin says

      I don’t cover.. I did the first couple months, because I wasn’t sure how my husband at the time felt about me feeding in public, but once I figured out he didn’t care as long as our son got to eat, I just popped it in his mouth when ever he is hungry. He’s 10 months now and still breastfeeding like a champ. He doesn’t show any signs of wanting to wean anytime soon. I plan on going through until at least two. Luckily, I haven’t met anyone who has the nerve to make negative comments about it, but I have gotten my fair share of appalled looks and uncomfortable stares lol

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      • says

        Hi, this may seem like a minor quibble on your major point, but you’ve now pushed this particular button in the blog and a comment. :-)

        Breastfeeding may indeed put you in a hormonal roundabout, but it keeps your estrogen levels lower than normal, not higher, as your term “estrogen fog” would imply. The lower estrogen levels are thought to be a reason why breastfeeding women have lower rates of reproductive cancers, which is something EVERYONE ought to know and celebrate.



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  2. Amy says

    HAHAHA! This made me laugh out loud, and caused me to pee in my pants a little, which as most mommies know isn’t terribly out of the ordinary after you have a baby! I have actually told a waiter to tell the patron sitting 2 tables over from us who complained, to go eat his steak in the bathroom, and if he was so offended, he could stop staring at my boobs! My husband was embarrased, but told me later he was proud of me for sticking up for myself!

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  3. Courtney Kirkland says

    These are great! I think my favorite is “Do you eat your meal while sitting on the John?” People get so carried away with pubic breastfeeding. Like you said, if we can use half naked women to sell cars, beer and snack foods (oh…and REALLY bad web hosting…ahem…godaddy…) then what’s everyone’s issue with breastfeeding?

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  4. Anna says

    Oh this post brings me back, somehow I managed to block out all the rude comments I got when breastfeeding. I especially liked the people who complained the baby was crying and then ALSO complained when I breastfed the baby – c’mon people, it’s gonna be one or the other. Pick one!

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