Kerry
Latest posts by Kerry (see all)
- 10 Comebacks When Assholes Criticize Public Breastfeeding - February 11, 2013
I was in a lactating coma for six years. No, I did not nurse a child into elementary school. I popped out four babies in five years.
I was on such a hormonal rollercoaster that I could never come up with witty comebacks to assholes who made comments about public breastfeeding. When a passerby offered “Why don’t you try that at home?” I could only muster, “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” The emotional pendulum swung and I started sobbing to complete strangers, “I just said the F word in front of my baby!”
Now that I am out of the estrogen fog, I’d like to offer these comebacks to breastfeeding moms…
1. If you can use boobs to sell beer and cars, I can use mine as a buffet.
2. Do you eat your meal while sitting on the john?
3. That’s a great idea. You can borrow my blanket to put over your head.
4. Sorry to burst your bubble. Boobs are more than recreational fun.
5. Thank goodness you have a neck. Look away! LOOK AWAY!
6. Nursing is easier for me. I can’t hold a bottle and my wine glass at the same time!
7. It was an accident. I was just holding my baby when my 36Longs fell into his mouth! My bad!
8. If you are fishing for a snack, just wait your turn.
9. If you think this is gross, you should have seen the placenta. Oh, wait. I have pictures.
10. Trust me. No one is more horrified by my giant areola than me.
If you are currently in a lactating coma, breathe in and out. Then, practice these comeback lines. Memorize them. Being a good mother means being prepared for anything…especially, when assholes attack.
If you are an asshole… fuck you very much.
{ 116 comments… read them below or add one }
“If you are fishing for a snack, just wait your turn.” Hahahaha – great ones!
cindafuckingrella recently posted..Gravity & Schadenfreude
That’s right! Get in line, buddy! Thank you, Cinderfuckingella!
So. Awesome. Thank Godness you have a neck, look away, look away!
LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! Thanks, Cindy!
I have yet to encounter any rude people about breastfeeding in public, but I do typically try to cover with a blanket to a certain extent. These comebacks are Grade A though!
With my first, I was one step away from throwing a tablecloth over my body. By the fourth kiddo, I just whipped it out. Thanks, Brianna!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
i was never confronted with comments, but i did have a very rude conversation happen loud enough for me to hear, only once. that was with my second child with my first who was 2 sitting in a high chair eating his lunch. i guess they figured if they would have said something i would have pointed to the child in the highchair.
Mine is usually, “So my boobs offend you? Strange, I normally accomplish that verbally.”
HA! Offended people is an art…that I have mastered! Go get ‘em, Stephanie!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
#7….I LOVE #7!!!
I like to use 36L but I recently heard someone refer to her big girls as “36WTF!”
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I am Seriously and I mean SERIOUSLY going to memorize and use these! AWESOME, thank you!
I’m here for you, Stacy. It’s hard to come up with zingers when you are in an estrogen fog.
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
You have a problem with my breastfeeding? Because the only boob I see here is you.
ilikebeerandbabies.com recently posted..Anti-Valentines
PERFECT! That one is going into the vault!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
HAHAHA! This made me laugh out loud, and caused me to pee in my pants a little, which as most mommies know isn’t terribly out of the ordinary after you have a baby! I have actually told a waiter to tell the patron sitting 2 tables over from us who complained, to go eat his steak in the bathroom, and if he was so offended, he could stop staring at my boobs! My husband was embarrased, but told me later he was proud of me for sticking up for myself!
Good for you! I am all too familiar with the wetting pants syndrome! Thanks, Amy!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
These are great! I think my favorite is “Do you eat your meal while sitting on the John?” People get so carried away with pubic breastfeeding. Like you said, if we can use half naked women to sell cars, beer and snack foods (oh…and REALLY bad web hosting…ahem…godaddy…) then what’s everyone’s issue with breastfeeding?
Courtney Kirkland recently posted..50 Shades of (Alaskan) Grey
Tell it, sister! I guess folks don’t want to admit that boobs aren’t just for recreation! Thanks, Courtney!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Oh this post brings me back, somehow I managed to block out all the rude comments I got when breastfeeding. I especially liked the people who complained the baby was crying and then ALSO complained when I breastfed the baby – c’mon people, it’s gonna be one or the other. Pick one!
Anna recently posted..Other stuff I wrote last week… Purim, President’s Day and an eBook Too!
Half the time, I didn’t even realize that there was an issue…until I noticed the gawkers!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
This is AWESOME! “Nursing is easier for me. I can’t hold a bottle and my wine glass at the same time!” LOL!
I thankfully never had anyone make snide comments to me. Which is interesting because I live in buttoned-up New England and you’d think people would be more easily offended here. Hmmm.
JD Bailey @ Honest Mom recently posted..Am I depressed or just a stressed out mom? Here’s how I know.
My sisters were able to be “discreet” nursers. I never mastered that skill and my children were audible nursers. “nom, nom, nom!” Thanks, JD!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I never had anyone actually say anything when I’d nurse in public but I did get the stares from people that would piss me off to no end. On the occasion that I got the stare combined with the under-the-breath-because-I-think-you-can’t-hear-my-ignorant-remark comments , the general response I gave was “If you don’t like it, don’t look. I don’t stare at you while you eat or feed your kids”
The under the breath comments are the worst! I just mumble right back…because I am so mature and all.
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I really wish someone woulf make a comment to me now… I’m dying to use one of these!
I could throw one your way and we could practice!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
This is BRILLIANT! It definitely made me giggle. I actually used the snack line when I was breastfeeding, except it was more along the lines of “What’s your deal with my breasts? Did your mommy never feed you this way? If not i’ve got plenty, wait your turn.” The guy turned bright red and walked away. It was awesome. I hate that in today’s society, breasts are supposed to be seen as sex objects rather than what they were created for. People have a tendency to forget they’re both. It comes down to what pleases a patriarchal society and it’s a bunch of shit dude. Satan forbid a guy sees a woman’s breast and aren’t able to fantasize about them because there’s a baby attached. Boo hoo. Go watch internet porn douches.
I just fell in love with you.
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I wish this list was available five years ago. My go to move was being able to sense when someone was offended, and making long, lingering eye contact with them. I didn’t have the balls to say “Why don’t you go fuck yourself,” out loud, but I could say it with my eyes. Not “Fuck me” eyes, but “Fuck YOU” eyes.
Amy recently posted..Polka Dot Cake
I have mastered the “fuck you” eyes! That is hilarious! Thanks, Amy!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I also popped out four kids in five years. I will say the first one was nursed better than the last two (twins, milk didn’t come in and it was either formula, or my sanity. Can’t be a good mama if you are crazy. well…) Anyway, good and funny list. You are a rock star.
Mom Off Meth recently posted..Jesus
Mom sanity trumps all! If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I have nursed four babies, and have never had anyone say anything to me. Like someone above said, I was always pretty well covered. Thank goodness no one ever said anything because I couldn’t have thought of anything near as great as these. Thanks Kerry, passing these along for all new moms to pick from!
Kathy at kissing the frog recently posted..Thoughts From The Tropics
Kathy, the comments (or disapproving faces) made at me when nursing? I WAS covered. Fully. Just little feet poking out of the bottom of a blanket. It only happened a handful of times, thankfully, from both men and women.
Arnebya recently posted..Sometimes
Arnebya, I can’t believe that! Some people are such a-holes. It’s okay for them to ogle practically uncovered breasts in ads and on t.v. – and heck, in real life, too – but a covered up mama and baby are scandolous! Maybe people gave me looks, but I was too oblivious to notice.
Kathy at kissing the frog recently posted..Thoughts From The Tropics
Kathy! I am almost 6 ft tall so most baby blankets on me were like giving a whale a tic-tac. Meh…
Thanks for the love!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Man, I remember the few times I got nasty comments or stares. Told the man in Borders, “You keep looking at me, but I don’t work here. Go ask an employee if they have books on milk fetishes because that’s what you need, right?” Or the woman at Outback rolling her eyes walking away from the bar, “You obviously get yours from a tap, asshole, why can’t my baby.” Assholes.
Arnebya recently posted..Sometimes
OMG! I love that! A tap for babies!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
LOVE this! Great, great list! LOL
Crystal recently posted..Happify: Make Your Own Happiness!
Thank you, Crystal!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
The only time anyone ever said anything to me was a little old lady who told me she was proud of me for doing it and not letting people get to me.
I got stared at one time and I just stared back with the afore mentioned “fuck you eyes” and she eventually got flustered and walked off. People are idiots.
Little old ladies are the best! A little old lady once helped me pack my groceries while my infant screamed bloody murder!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I’m just gonna share the other side… I was on an airplane, sitting next to a businessman, when my baby started fussing. I was nervous about nursing because I’d heard all kinds of horror stories about people raising a stink. He just looked over at me and said, “oh, thank God you’re nursing. The babies are always quieter that way.” And you know — he’s right.
So true! I had many more positive comments than negative. Thanks, LD!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Now I wish I was going to have more babies just so I could use some of these lines:) No. . .nevermind. Nothing is worth going back to newborn hell.
Shannon recently posted..I Didn’t Sleep in 2008
Hell to the no! That ship has sailed for me, too!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Your original comeback is my fave. A simple “fuck off” always seems to do the job.
Keep it simple, huh?
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I’m not quick witted, just quick to cuss…lol
Strangely enough I never got comments. Even breastfeeding twins in public. But I did once flash Bob Baffert! Go figure.
Andie @ multiplemama recently posted..Recycled name
The accidental flash! Hilarious!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
The ones that really drive me (and my husband) nuts are the old guys who seem to think the baby is just sleeping under that cover and try to stand behind me to look in at him or come over to play with his feet. Complete strangers! Disapproving glares with no cover I could deal with, trying to look under my cover (which I’m mostly using because I hate having my belly or back get cold) seems way ruder to me.
What a surprise the old guy was in for, huh?
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I guess I was lucky. I fed both my girls no matter where we were (we live in England) and never had any trouble. They’ve had their meals on planes, on buses, in the cinema, in restaurants and even in church!
I nursed in church and my baby started in with the “nom, nom, nom” noises! So much for discretion!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Nursed all of mine. Still nursing the youngest. I have this to say to you…fuck YEAH, sister! Let’s chest bump. Just let me untuck them from my socks first. Love this and you.
Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted..Check please!
Chest bump! Just don’t squirt me! Thanks, Bethany!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Is it weird that I stare and oogle at a breastfeeding baby because I think it is so sweet, lol!! I can’t help it…my babies are bigger now(4 and 7) and I miss those super precious moments!!! But I promise, I don’t do it in a creepy way!!!!
Suzanne @ Fit Minded Mom recently posted..I’m a Winner
I’m a total gawker…in a good, non creepy way! I miss those moments, too!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Someone actually told me that breastfeeding was not feminine. That remains one of the most ignorant things I have ever heard.
I think we have a winner! That is cra-cra talk!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Yup. Said to me by a 22 year old female. I should have used the “fuck off” reply instead of trying to wrap my head around her logic.
Yup. Said to me by a 22 year old female. I should have used the “fuck off” reply instead of trying to wrap my head around her warped logic.
These are golden!
I’m still waiting to be able tell someone that they’re welcome to bring over some whipping cream if it makes them more comfortable.
Jessica Cobb (@DomesticPirate) recently posted..The lazy mom: This century’s brand of feminism?
Whipping Cream! That is perfect!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I was once sitting next to someone whose head almost exploded because we had a visual of someone’s side-boob while she breast-fed her infant at a kids’ soccer game. I didn’t really know what to say. I settled for: “Meh. It doesn’t bother me; baby’s gotta eat!”
I wish I would’ve had your list before… I’m sure I could have modified it to the third-person perspective. ;)
Kristen Mae recently posted..What Do Light Switches, Strike Plates, and Flip-Flops Have in Common?
Not the dreaded side boob visual! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
36 longs..priceless!
36 Long was my favorite until I heard “Let Me Start By Saying…” refer to them as “36WTF?”
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I’m not going to lie, I was a weenie and often would go to my car or some other out of the way location (NEVER a bathroom, eww!!) but now that I have that first one out of the way, I think I will be much more free with my boobies if there is a number 2. This are great!
I was the same way with my first! By the fourth, I was the human milk buffet!
Thanks, Beth!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I literally just tried to burn the “fishing for a snack” comeback into my memory for later use. Pleaseeeeee let me remember to say it!
Cass recently posted..Surf to City
You.can.do.it! I wish I had made this cheat sheet years ago! Good luck, Cass!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
36Longs… O-M-G I finally found my bra size!!!!!
I’m a 36L but I laughed myself silly when Kim at Let Me Start By Saying said “36WTF?”
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Thank you!! I’m in that fog right now! I never seem muster much more than the “fuck YOU” stare… My husband on the other hand has said a few choice words to a lady once while at dinner…cry or boob you pick bitch!
Cry or boob? Seems simple enough to me! The fog will lift soon, Kay!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I once had a NURSE tell me that boobs were for men. I live in the south (aka the Bible Belt), so I asked her, ‘Are you a Christian?’. She replied that yes, yes, she was certainly a Christian. So I asked her if she thought they had Hebrew Similac when Jesus was a baby and if she was such a moron she didn’t realize that only recently in the grand scheme of things was when formula was manufactured. She didn’t have a snappy comeback for that, lol.
CrunchyGrouchy recently posted..Licepocalypse
Please tell me this is a joke!?? A NURSE uttered those words? Help me, Jeezus.
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Oh, I wish it were, but no. She wasn’t just a nurse, but an OB/GYN nurse. Thank God it wasn’t at the doctor’s office – I was at her house with a friend when my infant daughter needed to nurse (I breastfed for a year). I went to a corner of the room and discreetly fed her. She actually made a point to come over there and tell me how gross that was and how she didn’t want me to do it in her house because ‘breasts are for men, not for babies’. Needless to say, after my comment, she didn’t say anything about nursing to me after that, lol. But not only a nurse, a FEMALE OB/GYN nurse. Win. Ner.
CrunchyGrouchy recently posted..Licepocalypse
Thanks for these! Ive only had one rude comment so far and that was from a mother with her child who said “urgh she is breastfeeding! Discusting!”. I was completly covered up at the time so i dont see what her problem was. Now i kinda want someone to comment to i can use one of these quotes :-)
Disgusting? I’ve seen some disgusting eaters, but never a disgusting breastfeeder!
Now, you are equipped with some comebacks!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
I just love you so much.
Well, Susan! That just made my night. Sending the love right back at ya!
I was never graceful when nursing any of my 4 kiddos even though I did try…so I found out that when I was being stared at, all I needed to do was stare back. That usually stoped ‘em before they blurted some truly ignorant comment.
The evil eye from a tired mother is like kryptonite! Way to go, Jennifer!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Love these, esp. #1. Did you see the picture of a breastfeeding mom in front of a Victoria’s Secret Billboard (in their window)? She was being accosted by police to “cover up”.
Double standard……
Carolyn recently posted..Waxed Paper and Crayon Hearts
That made me laugh. It seemed like a SNL skit! “Pay no attention to the anorexic teenagers in strings…but this breastfeeding mother is an abomination! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!”
LOVE #9!
Oh Kerry, I knew I loved you when we came together during the #spikedpunch fun. This is perfection. Your 36Longs! Fishing for a snack! Fuck you very much! I love you.
We are soul sistas! My favorite quote was Kim at Let Me Start By Saying- she calls hers "36WTF"
I love “36WTF”…Thanks, Crazy One!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Oh Kerry, I knew I loved you when we came together during the #spikedpunch fun. This is perfection. Your 36Longs! Fishing for a snack! Fuck you very much! I love you.
Stephanie Jankowski recently posted..Pleased to Meet Ya
I haven’t breastfed in public often, but boy do I want to now, just so I can use one of these!
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured February Linkup, And Some News
ALISON! I have been adoring your cutiedoodle on Instagram! Great to see you here!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Dining Room Chairs…Before & After
Love these! My days of nursing are long gone but it was always my motto with both my kids … when in doubt, whip it out. Definitely passing this list on to some mommy friends! Thanks!
Even though my nursing days are also long gone, I still call on the “when in doubt, whip it out” motto!
Thank you, Carissa!
Girls, Girls Girls… I’m nearly fourty and passed thirty with no kids, no wife and no need as I hadn’t met anyone I felt worth my while. Since 30 I have helped my sister deal with twins and to a minor degree helped raise them(I ate my Asparagus in front of them until I discovered my Niece liked it more then bread and have since had a standing trade arrangement with her), I loved boobies then and still do, in the mean time I finally met a woman I could see myself with well into my “no hair” years, we have produced 4 beautiful children and love each other very much but I tell you, at least once a day my son and I have a talk(he;s 4 months so I do most of the talking and he just flashes the occasional shit eating grin) about how they are actually mine and they are just on loan to him until he can eat solid food… being a typical male he has threatened to not grow teeth until he turns 6…all I can tell the many BF moms is, we are born programmed to focus in on Mommies Mammories, then we hit puberty and all we want is Boobies… what can you expect from the average man on the street but some horrifically mammary centric response to your “whipping one out”. I’m not looking for a hall pass here, just pointing out the obvious, most men are obsessed with mammories, if you whip one out in their presence logic and common sense take a vacation. I’m all for you being able to breast feed in any location that is convenient to your child, but please, before doing so on a major roadway like the 401, consider how it will affect the driver around you, if he’s currently mammary deprived as I am, he might lose his focus on the road and cause a crash that you and your baby could be involved in. For the sake of all of us, please feed your baby when their hungry, but also please consider the many distraction factors and how they apply to your current situation before you “whip it out”, for all of our safety. There really are men out there who will drive into walls if you whip it out in front of them.. thankfully few and far between but do you want to be the driver in the next lane when they get distracted?
Let us hope some day this will be a non issue, in the mean time let’s try to make it a minimal one,
“Mammary deprived” cracked me up! I’ll do my best not to cause any pileups on the 401! Thanks for the PSA!
At least its organic!
Allen @ Funny Baby Videos recently posted..Funny Baby Video: Baby Eating a Watermelon
It’s the cheapest organic milk you’ll find!
Might I also suggest:
“If you wanna watch, you have to buy a ticket. Mama’s gonna need a boob job after this.”
Buy a ticket, bozo! I love it!
HouseTalkN recently posted..I Have A Crush…On Checkered Moon!
I love the buffet one! Classic role reversal and fabulous.
I love a fierce mom.
May I add this one: “You seem a bit tight. Maybe you should remove that stick up your ass.”
That is one of my favorite lines! Great minds think alike! ROAR!
HouseTalkN recently posted..I Have A Crush…On Checkered Moon!
I have 21 year old twin sons and a 19 year old son, I nursed them all and cannot believe that this is still an issue after all these years!!! What is wrong with us in this country??? I love comeback number 1, fabulous!
There is something very wrong with a culture that thinks it’s okay to sell beer with breasts but is appalled when they see breasts doing what they were made for, feeding our babies and children!!
Amen, Jayne!
HouseTalkN recently posted..I Have A Crush…On Checkered Moon!
I was actually asked to leave a restaurant for bringing in outside food! Wish I had know the laws then, or some of these comebacks.
Outside food? That is a new one. Jeesh!
I loved all of these. My stepdad had another comeback, “Just think of this as funding your social security check.”
I think I love your stepdad! Thanks, Lyndsay!
HouseTalkN recently posted..Valentine’s Day #Bloggersdance LINK PARTY!
Loved these!!! I’m currently dealing with airline rudeness (Delta) concerning pumping while traveling to maintain a breastfeeding schedule for my twins! Ugh!
Truth be told, I like the simplicity of your foggy response ;-)
I understand that place. I finally weaned my youngest last summer. I had been nursing SOMEone since 1999. I am just now finally emerging.
MILF Runner recently posted..Pushing Speedwork
Haha I love these,but I think I have officially taken it to the next level. I had just started a new job after I had had my son and I had to pump every couple of hours at work,I never did it in front of anyone and was considerate enough to close and lock my door to my office, and I stored the milk containers in a closed igloo Lunch box so when ppl opened the fridge they didn’t have to see the milk. Well one of my coworkers got his lunch out and promptly started telling me how disgusting it was that I even did that,and that it was even worse I pumped at work,that I needed to control my body and wait until I got home. And he said this in front of ppl!! I don’t know what possesed me but I pulled my breast out and sprayed him straight in his trashtalking mouth,I couldn’t aim like that again if I tried. He promptly complained to our general manager,not only did I not get in trouble,but my manager wrote my coworker up and informed him that if he wanted to keep his job he would have to attend 6 sexual harrasment classes since he obviously couldn’t keep his sexist,inappropriate comments to himself.
i had 5 kids in 7 yrs and practiced child-led weaning w/ all of them, so i *did* nurse them into elementary school – why say you didn’t do it like there is something wrong w/ it? ;-P
as for ‘nursing coma’ – i think it lets us have quite the opposite! i’d be in a coma if i had to get up all night and make bottles! if i had to listen to a baby cry frantically while i mixed formula and warmed up a bottle and checked the temp… if i had to clean up that rank spitup and empty those vile, bacteria-infested, forgotten old bottles. if i had a sick baby and no gut-healing, life-giving human milk to give them, but only gut-irritating, non-healing, non-living, decaying cow juice -no thanks! one mom’s nursing coma is another mom’s breastfeeding nirvana!
i love a sense of humor about the whole subject b/c you gotta have one to survive doing it so long (13 years non-stop for me now, almost all of it nursing 2 and 3 at a time)
( http://greenandbitchy.blogspot.com/2011/03/breastfeeding-multiples-through.html?showComment=1331210293952#c7754483560893330417 )
but i just had to chime in and say that those of us who *do*
‘nurse them into elementary school’ feel just as worthy of a good comeback as those who nurse for a more socially accepted amount of time – and that i enjoyed yours!