Melissa Lawrence
Latest posts by Melissa Lawrence (see all)
- When Mother Knows Best, It’s the WORST - February 11, 2013
When you’re pregnant or a new mom, people like to bestow all kinds of useless advice on you. Pearls of wisdom like “enjoy every moment” or “sleep when the baby sleeps.”
Please. I don’t know much, but I have one piece of advice that I think might actually help some new mommies out there. This is what I sorely wish someone had said to me when that little one arrived: You Don’t Want to Be That Mother Who Knows Best.
I see you over there, Control Freak New Mommy. You’re just like I was, reading and Googling and list-making. You’re figuring that with all this knowledge you’ll know pretty much what the hell to do with your baby, but take it from this mentally exhausted, overwhelmed mom of five: you’re setting things up all wrong. Whether you have one or five babies, YOU DON’T WANT TO BE THE EXPERT. Here’s why:
Let’s take a little trip down memory lane back to when I had my first baby. There we were, yours truly and my dear husband and our precious baby boy. The hubs was home from work for two weeks as we got settled, but I was generally the one caring for the baby. I spent more time with him and knew better what to do, you know what I mean? Plus I’d read all those nifty books!
So I would change him, and burp him, and feed him, and decide what he needed to do and when, and make all the little plans for his little life. If my husband picked the baby up, I’d usually give him some “helpful” pointers about how he was holding him wrong or burping him wrong and oh, now he’s crying…better give him back to me.
Now let’s fast forward, shall we, to last Saturday morning, chez moi.
Mommy wakes up (very early). She puts out breakfast because only she knows what the kids eat that day. Mommy tells the chitlins what to wear, because only she knows what they are doing that day (soccer), even though they have been playing soccer for two months. And only she knows where each kids soccer clothes are (including shin guards, cleats, uniforms).
Time to head out? Mommy crouches down tying all the shoe laces while Daddy catches up on the iPad because Daddy doesn’t get the kids ready because he doesn’t know all the ins and outs. Mommy hands Daddy the bag with the change of clothes, lunch and the water bottles. The kids are firing questions at Mommy and she’s fielding them like a catcher during bating practice. “Can I do this?” “Why did he get that?” It’s only 9 a.m. and you’re so drained from the excess of planning, details and decision-making that you’re ready to head back to bed.
The afternoon? Mommy’s spends her “downtime hour” answering emails from schools and coaches and teachers and PTA groups all starting with the refrain “Just a friendly reminder!” Picking a library hour for each of her kids. Deciding which insipid birthday party we are going to have to go to and trying to find a creative way to lie her way out of at least some of them. Oh, summer is around the corner — better start researching camps! Meanwhile, the kids are parked in front of the TV which leaves Mommy guilt-ridden …and what’s Daddy doing? Downloading music onto his iPod!
Oh wait, it’s time for dinner. Time to order the Saturday night pizza. This is “Daddy’s job.” And even though we’ve ordered exactly the same pizza from the same restaurant every single Saturday night for around 6 years – that’s about 336 times – Daddy still waits for Mommy to TELL HIM to order the pizza and TELL HIM what type of pizza to order because she has trained him NOT TO MAKE ANY DECISION WHATSOEVER REGARDING THE KIDS.
So, who would you rather be? The 1-800 Call Center or the pinch hitter brought in to do the only task that is actually fulfilling as a parent: having fun with the kids?
I thought so. But if you aren’t careful, you’re going to turn out just like me. And if this happens to you, you might bitch and moan, sister, like almost all of us mommies, but fact of the matter is that it’s pretty much your fault.
You told the hubs the second that baby came to let YOU be the one. You told him NOT to make the decisions, nor to sweat the details but rather to be instructed and guided by your wisdom at every turn. Now he’s been well trained, for years, in WAITING IN THE WINGS TO BE ASKED TO APPEAR. Go Mom!
So STOP. Nip this baby in the bud. Stains, mismatched outfits, missed naps, unfinished bottles, leaking loose diapers, letting the baby watch TV on his lap while he downs a beer during the game …BRING IT ON.
Get the hell away from that baby and let Daddy do his messy, sloppy, imperfect, thing. He’s setting you up to be happier with every mis-hap. You might actually get a shot at enjoying something once in a while and having one moment’s peace. And when you get home, zip your mouth shut and don’t say one single critical word when you see spit up on the carpet!!
I’m trying to change my ways, but I have to be honest, it’s too late for me. So I’m trying to save you.
You’ll thank me later.
{ 113 comments… read them below or add one }
Save yourself! I love it.
ilikebeerandbabies.com recently posted..Body by Baby
Thanks — I really meant that, once you’re down this road, there’s no going back!
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..How to Wean Off Pacifier: Tips for Toddlers
Ask him, let him, make him–best new mom advice I ever got. Great post!!
Mama Melch recently posted..Memories Captured
Best. Advice. Ever! I’m a new mom to a 4 month old and have been trying very hard to not instruct my husband on all things baby. We have alternating work schedules; when he works I’m home and when I work he’s home, so he gets plenty of baby time anyway, but I’m going to make a mental note to back the f@&^ off….thanks!
Jess recently posted..Pantry Fridge
Keep it up! Best thing to do is leave him alone to his own devices!
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Jess, thanks, I think you will be better off for this. Good luck! Melissa
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Hahaha I live this!!! It’s is so true!!!!! Unfortunately I’m right down that road with you. I wish I would have not done/did everything myself and had/have to have everything done my way. Great advice :)
This is so true!! I watched a friend do this with her baby and I learned real quick that a loose diaper is not that big of a deal. I let my husband makes his mistakes and we were all better for it.
True story! Also a mom of five, they were wearing me out so I started to hand over the ropes more and more with each baby. Dh is great now! Perfect advice every mom to be should read!
Dead ON! Husbands/Fathers always get a bad wrap, but goodness, they usually aren’t allowed to do anything!
themeanmama recently posted..Pretty Sure there is Poop on my Forehead I
You are so fucking smart. It took me 4 kids to figure this out! LISTEN TO HER, PEOPLE!!! She knows what she’s talking about!
MILF Runner recently posted..Mailbag Monday #6
MILF Runner, you rock! Thank you!! Melissa
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Oh my, you just described my life! I have four and unfortunately I have done this! I changed diapers, got up through the night, dressed kids, helped with homework, signed papers, etc. and although I love my kids and doing for them but I wish I would have let go a little.
Letting it go is the hardest thing! Thing is, when you allow everything to not be perfect, including yourself, it’s just so so much easier and less stressful!! xo Melissa
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Holy crap, that is so true and I didn’t even see it when I did it three times over!!
Nicole recently posted..Boredom in the life of a Mom
Thanks Nicole, sad thing is it’s my life!
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
My husband said it best when he told his brother who was fretting about having a baby. “Dude. Just keep it alive (fed) and clean. The rest will be okay.” True, really, when you break it down.
Couldn’t agree more! My husband had NO experience with children of any age so while I was there to offer advice, I let him do his thing. He has turned into the most amazing father and I think it is because I left him alone. More women need to let it go, we have so much on our plates, why net let the one person we chose to “get us into this mess” help out?
Here here! I was a single mom with my daughter, so it was just me (and my mother and grandmother who always found it in my best interests to tell me everything I was doing was wrong). When my husband and I had my son, it was game on. He helped make it, he can help take care of it. And the way I saw it, I already had 9 months worth of work up on him.
I’m so glad I learned this before I got to the hospital. The nurse set me up with a pump, and I told hubby he better listen about how to wash the attachments because that was going to be part of his job. In addition, I decided we weren’t leaving the hospital until he changed at least one of the baby’s diapers.
I am super impressed that you had your husband wash the pump parts — way to go!
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Hallelujah! All new mommies, please listen to this voice of reason! [Insert fist pump.] That is all.
Jenny recently posted..I Don’t Like Big Butts, and I Cannot Lie
Amen! But where were you 20 years ago when I had my first and almost 11 years ago when I had my fifth? Not only did/do I take care of the kids, but I also treat my husband like 1 of them. He has never had to take the kids to anything, do any housework (literally he has run the vacuum 1 time – honest to goodness), heck he doesn’t even have to take the car for its scheduled oil change! Where does that leave me, tired, overworked, my 20 year old still lives at home and I cook his meals and wash his laundry, unappreciated, and an enabler. Yep, I can admit my own faults. BUT I’m in control, trust me its not all it’s cracked up to be! All you new mothers, listen – make the men do just as much as you, everyday, or you will end up like me!
We are sisters in the same boat — I am trying, trying, to lift myself out of this mess because I can’t hold it together anymore — wishing you the best of luck starting to “duck out” of some of these responsibilities!! Melissa
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Thank goodness I didn’t fall into this trap! I started leaving baby alone with daddy by the time he was 2 weeks old and never even worried about it. Why would I? He’s the daddy, and this was a first for both of us. There’s nothing that makes me inherently better at parenting than him. He’s an amazing father. He researched strollers and carseats. He put baby on lists for daycare. He can coordinate baby’s outfits like nobody’s business. Baby lights up when he sees daddy and they love spending time together. I get the occasional night out (I can even skip out on bedtime routine and not worry about a thing) and a weekly sleep-in. We take turns on bath nights and swimming lessons. He’s more patient than I am and better at a lot of things baby-wise. This transition to parenthood hasn’t been as hard on our marriage as I thought it would be and I fully believe taking as equal roles as possible has been the key.
I don’t have this problem because before I hady son, I told the hubs that I was NOT doing everything and he is the best daddy I’ve ever seen.
nicole recently posted..Cirque Eloize
I am so thankful that my husband was a stay at home dad for the first 5 years with 3 kids (all within a year of each other). I usually get the clothes ready, but I don’t have to worry about anything else. He was better at it than I am.
Heather @ Kraus House Mom recently posted..I Need a Shotgun and a Fishing Pole
Thankfully I’ve ditched hubby on enough Mom’s Nights and getaway weekends that he’s got a handle on stuff. Took a while to get him comfortable with it though!
Jessica Cobb (@DomesticPirate) recently posted..The lazy mom: This century’s brand of feminism?
I will admit, I WAS one of those. But then 2 and 3 joined us together (twins) so Daddy learned REAL quick! :)
Andie @ multiplemama recently posted..Recycled name
Yes. This. Seriously. Let the husbands/daddies/significant others do things. They’ll do them differently and that’s OKAY.
My husband can step in flawlessly almost any day of the week, which is good since I started having major health issues about 2 years ago.
You never know where life will take you.
Also, the kids like it. They like both mom and dad to be a part of things – at least mine.
True story, my husband mastered diaper changing before I did. God, I love that man =)
Brandie recently posted..3 words …
I guess you could say I know where the guys are coming from:
I’m the “at work all day” parent and Daddy is the “stay at home” parent so this is the extreme version of letting Daddy do his thing well let me tell you its not easy having to swallow parenting advice and criticism from other people in general…its even worse when it comes from your “know it all spouse” :(
I love this! I am a new mom of a 3 month old. Though it is difficult to relinquish some control, I am going to try my best to take y our advice and step aside at times.
Excellent advice. I will plead ignorance at every turn.
Kim recently posted..List 31: People born in 1973
Way to go, the less you know, the better!
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Yes. Thankfully now that number 2 is here, all that has changed. I’m still in charge of the overall “project” so to speak, but he has come a long way and is a lot more helpful now that I’ve backed off and relinquished some control. Things don’t always get done *perfectly* but that’s ok, we’re much better parents now that he’s so much more in the loop.
But the control….it’s so hard to give it away….
Amanda recently posted..I Took the Boys to an Amazing Theater and They Made Me Feel Really Old
I wish I could. Thou I’m a new Mom. Letting daddy take care of my kids its,like asking me to kiss a frog. I have learned my lessons on putting daddy on baby duty. They end up with dipper rashes, a bruised here or there. skipped a meal or two or are very hyper. By the time I get home he is,annoyed and my kids are miserable, hungry, in pain, tired and,sometimes all of the above.
Lol Melissa – I can so see you being like this ;-) Not saying I’m not guilty of being the same way at first, but I couldn’t handle it all with one and then two let alone five. So, I had to become much more laid back and grit my teeth now and again but at least have hubs helping!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..Bedtime: The Reason Parents Drink
Yup, Kelly, this is the real me, and it sucks, it really does.
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
I don’t know how you do it all. I always say that to you, but I really don’t!
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog recently posted..Bedtime: The Reason Parents Drink
I don’t “do it” — I make some percentage of what I’m supposed to, I’ve started to “miss” homework assignments (hm, why are the “mine”, thank you notes, parties, all the rest… I get annoyed and we have the same old who does more fights… But I am starting to enjoy the liberation of not trying to do everything well, it is freeing … still have a long ways to go though! Good to hear from you, girl!
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
My grandmother gave me this very piece advice with my first baby and it IS the best advice ever for new moms! Her gentle reminder everytime I complained was “this is his first time too and he’s never going to do anything exactly right so just move on do what you need to do while he’s learning to do it his way.”
I love that!
I hear ya! Have been doing this for years! He doesn’t suspect a thing!!!
Mrs Catch recently posted..A Beginning
Boy I wish I had read something like this 4 years ago!! 2 babies later and I’m in the same boat! This will be my new tidbit for new moms!
Lol, I had fun reading all these comments from experienced moms who can relate to your story Melissa..
kc @ genxfinance recently posted..States With No Income Tax
OMG I’m doomed!
Wow- this almost hurt to read it is so dead on. I really hope new mommas take your advice. I have no one to blame but myself for all bullshit I am forced to do by myself on a daily basis. Relax and know babies are resilient and letting go of control will only benefit the whole family! Brilliant post. Thank you!
If you have a father that is willing to help out, take advatage of the help! When my son was born (he’s 2 now) my bf refused to do any work taking care of baby. In the past two years i have been able to convince him all of twice to stay home alone with him so i could go to an appointment. I would have been happy to have the help, even though it wouldn’t have been the “perfect” way i do it. I’m now at a point that my son is in my constant care 24/7. If i have anything to do i can’t take him to, i have to inlist the help of my parents to babysit, yes, even if his daddy is home. ***Sigh***
This doesn’t apply when your husband just gives up at the first sign of trouble, or immediately clicks on the TV/ video games as soon as he’s alone with the kids. I’ve learned to just accept that their time with him is almost worthless as far as nutrition, interaction, and emotional health and try to make up for it when I’m with them.
You and your kids deserve better. I hope you get better. ((Hugs))
Love it. I am 6 months pregnant and as we eagerly await the arrival of our little we spend a lot of time talking about what kind of parents we want to be and I definitely want my hubby to do his thing with baba. Seen this too many times where the dad is relegated to watching TV doing nothing and then resentment builds so this is definitely the bet advice i have read yet!
Charisse recently posted..The Crash
Have you been to my house recently??
You’ve described our life in absolute precision, including the critical remark about spit-up on the carpet (or wet diaper on the floor, toys scattered all around, sockless baby, etc. etc.). AND the hubbie on the iPad while I dash around doing EVERYTHING.
Is there any hope to truly change??????
With respect, moms, dad is not “helping”, he is parenting when he does child care. It’s semantics, I know, but I think the word used affects the attitude. I watched a friend do this with their firstborn twins (twins!). Never said a word aside from a gentle reminder once that he was a first-time daddy, as she was a mommy, and both were on a learning curve. I am not brave or foolish enough to comment on parents’ ways of raising children, even to a close friend. Now the dad does nothing of the day-to-day caring for the girls. His efforts were never good enough and he stopped trying; he is missing out on so much. Mommy never has a minutes peace and is absurdly grateful when he offers to bathe the girls occasionally.
Oh yes. Amen. All supermummy brings is the realisation you can’t even be ill because the kids come and ask questions every three minutes. And the pizza story, that’s exactly the same in our house! :)
Amanda Martin recently posted..NCT Friends and Indoor Football – 2013 365 Challenge #42
Love it!
With me is the one the nurses at the hospital who convinced me to include my husband in the whole ‘caring for baby’ thing. She just turned to him and said : ‘your wive went to 13 hours of labor, the least you can do is learn how to change a diaper and bathe your daughter. Come here.
I really should send that woman flowers.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Green Salad with Broccoli and Sardines or Kicking Winter Depression’s Ass
I would definitely choose to be the “pinch hitter brought in to do the only task that is actually fulfilling as a parent: having fun with the kids.” This is such a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing.
It can sometimes be tempting as a parent to take control of every little detail of our children’s lives. But as per experience, doing this is not only detrimental to us but also to our children. Mistakes and mishaps are part of parenting. They make us wiser, stronger and happier too!
Janet Dubac recently posted..Teaching Children Good Behavior is Not Impossible
I will admit that I am the one in full control of all things school related and activities, but only because hubby has do many night meetings. But I keep the calendar up for all to see if he has to step in.
But after each daughter was born, he changed every single diaper in the hospital and handled more than half the feelings. (I’m unable to produce milk) Once home he handled the 11:00 feeding every night so I could sleep until I got up for the 3:00 am feeding. Then he would handle all weekend nighttime feedings.
Even though when I’m gone I might have to assume that all they will eat for dinner are buttered noodles or pizza, I’m still one lucky lady and was fairly well rested when were babies!
The first time I hid in the bathroom and stayed longer than was necessary because I wasn’t using it to begin with and when I emerged the baby was OK and he was cooking dinner? “Damn, I didn’t give you credit. You’s a keeper, yo.” Mommies don’t do everything better automatically; we’re taught that that’s what’s expected. There’s plenty a man able to keep the kid from falling down the stairs. We just have to be willing to walk away even when we see the kid on the landing (an awful example because STAIRS!)
Arnebya recently posted..Sometimes
Let them learn, love it!
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
I love this. And might I point out…out of al those “tidbits of wisdom” no one says “let daddy have input”. It’s something I really have to work on. Single motherhood does a number on having others help you.
So men are helpless children who can only do the right thing when we allow them to do it. Gotcha.
No? Well, I’m tired of being blamed when a guy does something stupid. If he’s put the diaper on wrong, he’s put it on wrong and it’s a hygiene matter. I might have to hold that baby when the blowout happens and I’d really rather not, thank you. So I’d show him how to put it on right and save myself some grief.
If he keeps it up with the learned helplessness that’s OK. He can wonder in forty years why I’ve got a better relationship with my adult child than he does. Because eventually it will be figured out that he doesn’t care enough to be conscientious and that will not go over well with the offspring.
Better yet, never breed with a guy like that in the first place. If he’s going through life clueless about everything else, he’s not fit to continue the species either.
Eventually they will wise up and start acting like real adults, not just sixteen-year-olds who can legally get jobs.
P.S.
You do not have children to FULFILL yourself. Get that toxic idea out of your head RIGHT NOW. You have them to continue the species and for no other reason. You have to then raise them so that they know how to behave in your culture. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about THEM. If you can’t figure THAT out don’t have any more kids.
YES, sometimes daily life tasks are tedious. You have to do them anyway, or you wind up with a bigger mess later. If HE Is not stepping up with the kid work, that’s HIS choice. Quit blaming yourself and get on with it.
It’s like I could have written this post myself. I agree, I wish someone had told me this also. I am a CONTROL FREAK. And now I am paying for it. My husband does his thing as I do all the house stuff and silently seethe inside because I trained him to not help. We are getting better, but…..I have many regrets about it.
This is SO true! But how do you find the perfect balance between wanting what’s best for your child (i.e. NOT watching TV all day and scarfing down Goldfish and ice cream sandwiches, whilst wearing mis-matched clothes) and letting go of the control? Easy to say, very very hard to do…
JHC, is this spot on! As someone who tends to lean towards the anal/OCD side of things, this post was me to the tee for our first. And all it got me was two years on anti-anxeity meds and now couples therapy. Needless to say, I took the opposite approach with #2 and at 7 months, he is no more screwed up with two active parents than #1 was with one supermom.
The Good Wife recently posted..Turning my Daughter into an OCD Freak
The only one who really pays the price when you try to control everything is YOU — which is why it’s a terrible idea!
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Are women still living like this? Acting like they are the baby/child expert and “allowing” their husbands to help out? The assumption that women do everything right and men do everything wrong is so insulting. Can we ever kill the stereotype of the doofus dad?
My advice to the new mommy and daddy? Everybody participate in child care equally to the extent possible. Play to your strengths: We figured out on day 1 that daddy was much better at bathing infants, so he did it. I didn’t let him and I didn’t have to teach him. It was obvious.
Find a division of labor that works for everyone, but make sure both parents know where the lunch stuff is.
Margaret recently posted..A Day in the Life (with 14- and 15-year-old)
When my son was a newborn and infant, I thought this way, that I always knew best. I thought that I knew the best way to hold him, rock him, feed him, comfort him, dress him. After about a year of this, it got too exhausting. I’m just not a “high maintenance” person by nature. In the beginning, I felt so much pressure from all the baby books and other moms in general that there was so much to remember and learn about babies. Now that my son is a toddler, I don’t feel as much pressure for everything to be “perfect.” He’s bigger, more resilient, has his own desires and will, and I just need a break sometimes!
Jessica Smock recently posted..Welcome to my new site!
Hey, let’s not forget those of us that inherit this problem from motherinlaws. It’s not just your husbands, it’s your kids too. Let them screw up, make mistakes, learn their own life lessons. My MIL did EVERYTHING for my DH till the day we got married. Don’t sabotage your future daughterinlaw!!
Man, oh man… I have seen this happen to so many of my friends. And they wonder why their husbands can’t make any decisions! Because YOU don’t let them!! It’s maddening. Thankfully my husband and I nipped it in the bud early on after #2… I don’t know how we’d function with 3 if it weren’t for both pitching in equally – and letting sleeping dogs lie when we both screw it up.
Thanks for the post. Great job!
Falon recently posted..Celebrating Greatness
Let’s remember the bonding the children miss out on when mommy does everything.
Children who are taken care of equally by both parents, have higher IQ’s.
Let them bathe them, take them places, put them to bed, read to them, play with them, cook for them.
It really is win win. If you can do it, do it.
It takes a lot of maturity, esp. if the couple has huge differences, but it has to happen. Let the things slide, just let them.
Alexandra recently posted..The Winner of Ann Leary’s The Good House
My mom gave me the best advice when I was pregnant and it’s the advice I share with new moms -
1. Don’t wish away a moment.
2. It never gets better, it only gets different.
Sara Thompson recently posted..Happy Chinese New Year
I WISH I had this advice before my son was born. I was barely convinced that I knew what I was doing, let alone that MAN sitting next to me on the couch. Now 8 years later, I’m still paying for it. Sigh.
Jessica @scienceofparenthood.com recently posted..The Tedium Paradox
For 9 years I fought my hub about everything kids! I knew everything! Then one day I came to my senses! Remember , “wait till you Dad comes home!”? The threat of dad did not exist in our lives, what if? So, I let it all go and let dad be the authority figure! Now I say “what did dad say?”, “go ask daddy!” And ” wait till dad gets home!”. I now have the power of dad! And it works!
I love this post in that it reminds new moms to let dad in on the baby care-taking too. However, it still assumes that dad is going to do it “wrong.” My husband has told me time and again how damaging and hurtful this message can be to dads who want to be hands-on. It’s an antiquated ideal of fatherhood – men are more involved now. It perpetuates the myth that just because we’re women, we know babies better than the men. Look, I was an aunt to 11 kids before I had my first son. I spent my high school and college years babysitting. But did that make me more qualified to be a parent than my husband? Hell no. We were first-time parents TOGETHER. We both had a learning curve. So, while I applaud your message to involve the dads, I disagree with the subtext, which is that they won’t be able to do it as well as we women do. I say let the dads do their thing because they can parent, too, just as well as the women.
My subtext is not that dad can’t parent too, or do it as well, it’s that we control freak moms need to loosen up and not just have ONE idea of how things should be done! And that if the imperfect moments arise, which they do for all of us, that’s fine and not to come down too harshly, lest dad be discouraged…
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
I’m a dad, and I was totally with you on this post until I got to this part:
“Stains, mismatched outfits, missed naps, unfinished bottles, leaking loose diapers, letting the baby watch TV on his lap while he downs a beer during the game …BRING IT ON. Get the hell away from that baby and let Daddy do his messy, sloppy, imperfect, thing.”
Messy, sloppy, imperfect thing?! Excuse me for not having a better way to say this, but WTF is this about?! My best guess is that you’re talking about your husband specifically, because otherwise you’re defeating your own argument by making a sweeping assumption that dads CAN’T do things as well as moms. Hell, if my son’s mother was letting him miss naps and sit around in dirty diapers, I’d take him away from her too!
You see, this is precisely why (lazy) dads get the impression that it’s ok to sit on the couch and do nothing. It isn’t just their significant others who are teaching them that it’s not their job, it’s society in general. It’s every blog post and commercial and magazine that makes the sweeping generalization that dads are something less than moms. That even when parenting jobs are split 50/50, mom will still do a better job at her share than dad will.
There are two parts to this equation. First, as you said, back off and let dad do his job. Don’t “let him help.” Let him do his JOB as a parent. He is half of the parenting unit. He doesn’t “babysit,” he doesn’t “help you,” he isn’t “an extra set of hands.” He is the child’s father, and the responsibilities of parenting fall as much onto his shoulders as they do onto mom.
But second, and just as important, stop making the assumption that he can’t do things just as well as you (or better). The world is FILLED with supposedly comical examples of bumbling dads who are sooooo cute trying to pour a bowl of cereal! And each and every condescending one of them makes good dads wonder why we even bother trying if we’re just going to always be the butt of the joke. Sure, if some dad has spent years as “mommy’s helper” then it might take him some practice, but there’s absolutely no reason…or I should say excuse…why a good first-time dad shouldn’t know just as much, and be just as competent, as mom is when the baby is born. I mean, let’s face it, if you were constantly being told that you’ll never be good enough, no matter how hard you actually tried, wouldn’t you eventually start wondering why you were trying at all? Let’s stop beating him down with “He can’t…” and start building him up with, “He can!”
I’m so glad I stuck around to read this comment. Lots of bloggers are ‘patronizing paternity’ and making it seem like Dads can’t do as good a job as Moms at parenting. In our house, I’m home primarily with the kids, but I don’t do a perfect job. Neither does my husband. We each have things that we do really well and when we work together and try to build each other up we do our best job. Our kids need to see this in action, too.
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Jeanette — as you can imagine, it was hard for me to be this honest and come out with all the mistakes I’ve made. But the point of my blog was that I HAD MESSED UP by having these rigid visions, not Dad… so when I said he was “messy and imperfect” that was in the eyes of me as perfectionist control freak, not the real world… in the real world, if he does it differently and you get a break, great! Thanks for commenting…
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Your post really resonated with me and what Eryk said did, too. Altogether, a great topic for a discussion. Thanks for your honesty.
HI Jeannette — I really appreciate that! This is a really amazing community here — it is an important topic because how we allocate caring for the kids has so much to do with family harmony!!! Take care, Melissa
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Eryk,
THIS! *applause*
Hi Eryk — obviously, I didn’t make my point well enough. My point is not that dads can’t do things as well, nor that they are messy and imperfect. TO THE CONTRARY, my point is that when you are a control freak and a perfectionist, you have this idea that everything should be “just so” and you shoot down different ways of doing things. Thus, you disempower dad and get stuck with all the work. There is nothing perfect about my ways, nor imperfect about my hubbies, but I needed to back the hell away… Melissa
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
You’re right, and I’m sorry, Melissa. This is a subject I’m particularly passionate about and I get angry about it sometimes. I actually really appreciate you taking the time to write this, as it’s something that definitely needs to be heard. Thank you.
I actually think you’ve taught me even more about this whole problem, so thanks! See how screwed up it is that Dad could take care of the baby for a few hours, Mom comes home and all she notices is some small stain on the rug. So unimportant compared to the fact that Dad bonded with the baby and Mom got some time off. But that is the type of stupid, trifling, unimportant detail — like mismatched clothes – -that certain control freaks like me have paid attention to!
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
Not just “He can!” but “He does!” My husband is the best– his style is different than mine, that’s all- and that has more to do with our different personalities than anything else.
Ilene Moore recently posted..Don’t blame the message
This is so great and absolutely right on par with how my family was going… Until baby #2. She was a total blessing because I had to let go. Sure my husband put tshirts on the toddler backwards, let her watch TV, and fed her who knows what, but they bonded. I can still do all the healthy and educational things with her (which I think are fun, too!) and now both girls will get balance from him. It’s an easy lesson to learn when there’s no other choice. Consider this one of the prime benefits of having two under two :)
Jeannette recently posted..Philadelphia Orchestra Presents Carnival of the Animals
this is so true. SO True. Because my husband and I both work outside the home, I want to be the one that takes care of things at home..so he doesn’t need to worry, wonder or god forgive me, ask me stupid questions…BUT wow, when I am away, even if it’s to shop or pee..my name rings throughout the house, “Mommy!” “Honey!” with one question after another..
we as women, want to have control of our household, but sometimes it’s a whole easier and sanity inducing to SHARE the reins. :)
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So true and way too late for me too. I look wistfully at my children and think maybe I’ll help them but then I’d be messing with the revered “mom curse” and I’m not going there. I am planning to be the spoiling grandmother who gets to have fun with the kids and I’ll use all this “don’t become an expert” advice then :)
As a husband and father, this rings true. When I’ve been micromanaged, nagged, and had my parenting ability questioned, I’ve backed off. The advice I got when I got married was “always let her win.” I believe the wives I know got “if you want something done right, do it yourself” as their nuptial advice. That may sound great, and it may produce marital harmony, but it leaves him powerless and her doing all the work.
The way men learn is by trying something and seeing if it works. No surprise: That’s how both genders learn. Unless he’s doing something that’s imminently harmful, let him do it his way and see how it works himself. Two people making decisions and trying things out learn twice as much about being a parent as one person making all the decisions. Logical, right?
Jon, you must a good husband make. And I feel like you could be repeating what my husband tells me! Sometimes he says “you’re discouraging me, remember the Daddy Doesn’t Do It Right” show you did (it’s a video i did)… So hooray for your comment!
Melissa Lawrence recently posted..100 Keys to French Parenting — Really?
I probably would be like that if we had a singleton, but with twins, it’s not a luxury I can afford, what with my only having two hands, two legs, and one brain. I had a moment in the early days when I saw my hubby holding one of them in a very “messy, sloppy, imperfect” way, and I realized that they LOVED it. They need a “mommy-style”, and a” daddy-style” (in quotes, I’m not making a hetero statement by any means). They love that dual energy. It gives them adaptability– and who doesn’t want an adaptable child?
Ilene Moore recently posted..Don’t blame the message
This is SO AWESOME I REALLY DON’T EVEN HAVE AN ADEQUATE VOCABULARY TO SAY HOW AWESOME IT IS!!!!
I’ve got two kids, ages 6 and 3… it was about a year ago when I just started… leaving. Leaving to go do something for myself, or just BY myself. I had to just GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY so that my compulsion to micromanage my poor willing-to-help husband could not rear its ugly OCD head. Now he helps with EVERYTHING. And I’ve even learned to keep my stupid mouth shut! (Well… most of the time.)
I just wish I had better words. Such fantastic advice.
Kristen Mae recently posted..What Do Light Switches, Strike Plates, and Flip-Flops Have in Common?
This is marvelous advise! I second it!!
I tried to do this!! However in my case whenever the baby cried my husband would pass him off to me, he wanted to be the parent our son associated with fun, now at 10 months old my husband gets mad when he can’t calm the baby down. All I want to say is “no shit you can’t do anything since day 1 you never tried”
I’m actually glad I went through (hellish) ppd. It forced my hubbie to help out WAY more then I ever would have let him if I had been totally healthy. Now…5 years and two children later, he’s a superstar! :) Great post.
murphy must have had kids recently posted..Weekly Photo Challenge: Unique
I kinda have the opposite problem. I am comfortable sharing parenting duties, Dh did a good amount of stuff- however he LOVES to critique everything I do. I mean he would lecture me about how to wash the bottles when I did it so I just let him do it. He is now the Ex for numerous reasons and loves to lecture me on how his structured plan of child-rearing is superior to my method of learn grow love. (At least w me dd (4yrs old) doesn’t have a stressed out look on her face when I come in the classroom (her teacher told me she looks worried when he comes in))
I completely understand how you feel,my husband was more than willing to help with out son…to the point that anytime I did anything with him HE would criticize me non stop,(he even went so
far that when my milk dried up at 6 months because of stress he told me it was my fault because I didn’t “do it right” and “hold my son in the right way”). I’ve always struggled with feeling like I didn’t bond as well with my son as his father has. He’s now my ex,and when we split up he even went so far as to kidnap my son and keep him from me until the court ordered him to give him back or risk imprisionment. It completely goes both ways,it doesn’t matter which parent is doing it,it harms the child and the relationship regardless. Respect your child,respect the other parent and respect yourself enough to allow their time together to be about them,not yourself.
Well, I guess mental health has a reward after all–it has forced me to have my husband help with the kids–A LOT. I have a 2 and 3.5 yo very high energy boys and still am dealing with anxiety issues, so Daddy continues to help a lot, lot, lot.
Oh how I wish I had read this before having my girl. She’s only 7 months, maybe there’s still hope??? Sometimes I look at my husband and say, how can you have no idea what to do?! And he says, I’m waiting for you to tell me! Oh the mess I’ve made for myself
Sage advice!
Too late for me too! My control freak nature has made the kids always turn to me. They even call me at work to ask homework questions when their dad is sitting right next to them. I wish I could stop but I do it to the kids too – I know they won’t make their beds right so I do it, same with cleaning etc etc. Must . . . stop . . . now!
Great piece!
Kristen Brakeman recently posted..The Dark Side of Girl Scout Cookies
Yep, I wish I would’ve read this 8 years ago…now I get pissed cause “no one” (aka DH) will help me out. Maybe with baby #4 I will get smart!
This describes the road I almost went down. I was miserable. I only have one but am a SAHM so naturally all the decisions fall on me and I wasn’t giving dad the credit or bonding time he deserved. I was a control freak about our daughter. So fast forward to y daughter being 16mnths old and a few marriage counseling sessions later. I learn to let go. I am so much happier, our daughter loves her daddy and daddy does thing differently but still good. Maybe his wardrobe isn’t the best choice sometimes but he’s learning to match properly.
Weekends and night time is daddy domain and I basically have the time off.
Maybe it’ll be different with two or more. One will be with daddy while the other is with me and only sometimes will they all be entertained by one. Who knows.
Oh my god, do you realize what you just did for me? You just relieved me of all the guilt about being “the bitchy unhelpful wife” because I REFUSE to tell my husband how to do anything related to the kid and I REFUSE to just “do it for him” because I’ve done it 1000 times already. Of course, we are just now on this track – yesterday was the very first time EVER he poured out a dose of cold medicine for one of the kids – and the oldest is 5.
THANK you for validating what I didn’t really realize what I was doing – I was just running on exhaustion. I have plantar faciitis in BOTH feet and I just flat out couldn’t get up and run after him showing him everything. Wow – I never thought there would be a silver lining to this affliction but you just gave me one.
Thank you!!
The Next Step recently posted..How to get your kid killed at Target
Oh how true it is!
I have the same problem and I was worried that this would be a forever thing. Here I go, treking!
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I’m totally that mom. In fact, I just spent 30 minutes trying to figure out if the vibrating bouncy chair our 4 mo old loves and sits in all the time is actually stopping his spine from developing… I’m a worry wart, so I’m still going to be reading everything and googling everything. However, my hubby has mondays and tuesdays off work to watch the baby while i work mon through fri, so at least he has plenty of time to be the one in charge. (Although I still am fighting the urge to make sure he’s feeding him “right” when I’m home. Working on it. LOL)
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My children will be sitting next to my husband and will walk up 2 flights of stairs to ask me if I can make them something to eat. REALLY!!? There is a parent sitting right next to you! WTF?
Love this one! thanks for the advice.
I did it – just like she said so aptly – Yep, that was and still is me sometimes. Listen up and don’t be her or me! Once you go there – you can’t go back. Life is short and no one will remember the messy days, mismatched outfits and imperfect dishwasher loading. The more thankful for and encouraging to Mr. Imperfect – the more perfect he gets. They age well like good wine that has been carefully tende.
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Ahh, you make it sound SO easy. In reality, it is virtually impossible! I will just stick to moaning that I have to plan, arrange and organise everything because giving up control,even for a second, is out of the question!
Wonderful advice to new moms!! Thankfully, I figured this out a while ago. I’m the mom of three girls and both my husband and I work F/T (I work during the day and he works all night) and so, if not intentionally, I had to rely on him to handle school pick-ups, feed the kids dinner and take care of occasional runs to the market. I can be a bit control-freakish so constant texts and reminders must be sent his way BUT the job gets done and he is a good partner for it. I still cringe when he posts pics to FB of our kids at the park looking all crazy (uncombed hair, mismatched clothing, dirty faces) but I think the kids are all the better for it. Yes, the kitchen is a complete mess and the baby has scattered her entire toy chest contents in the hallway, BUT at least they have been fed and bathed and are in their PJs by the time I get home from work. Mommy may still have ALL the answers, but it is nice to know that daddy can be in charge while mommy is in the basement taking care of the laundry while sippin’ on sangria and the music is on full blast!
Thanks for sharing this. I may be heading in this direction and I need to stop myself!
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