Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
What started as an innocent on-line baby book to chronicle Jill's stay-at-home days with her children, (Lily, Ben, and Evan) quickly transformed into a vibrant community of parents, brought together by a common theme: Parenting doesn’t have to be perfect. Learn more here.
@scarymommy
NYT bestselling author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies). Fond of curse words, sarcasm and Diet Coke.
@wicklessboymom Oh, I so wish it was me there instead of the damn book! - 2 hours ago
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
I spent a half hour in the Hallmark store the other day looking for the perfect card to send to a new mommy friend. Much to my dismay, I couldn’t exactly what I was looking for.
In case you’ve ever encountered the same problem, I made a few to share…
Might as well let new moms know what they’re in store for, right?
Well, I certainly think so.
{ 146 comments… read them below or add one }
Much more realistic. I think from now on though, I’m just skipping the card and sending wine.
Shell recently posted..Things They Can’t Say: The Adventures of Daddy Runs a Lot
breastfeeding?
Hahahaha! I like the ass wiping one myself.
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..How To Get Kids To Eat Broccoli
My favorite, too. :)
This is perfect. I’m going to a baby shower this weekend and encountered the same problem in the card aisle. Didn’t help that I was standing there with two cranky, fighting kids.
hahaha- real life is so much better then fiction Allison :)
Ha ha … I love every last one of them! Especially “boys are discusting” … so very true.
Kim recently posted..Red Bead Necklace, Silver Chain, Single Bead, Holiday
As a mother of 2 boys, I completely agree with “Boys are disgusting, Best Wishes with Yours!” WHAT is their obsession with bodily noises & functions; creepy critters; and mud puddles. I’m fully convinced those obsessions are part of their Y-Chromosome! (But I wouldn’t trade my demon boys for anything on earth)
Angel_DWMW recently posted..Betrayal
I would 100% honestly buy those. Someone would make a killing on those things.
Ordinary Sarah recently posted..Military Memories
Awesome, my favorite is the behind wiping.
Worse mommy moment ever, major ummmmm ‘explosion’ outside a cafe in San Francisco. Ran out of those nifty wipes. Had to use my sweat shirt and the night gown I had packed in my suite case. I still miss that sweat shirt and I washed the night gown and gave it to my sister-in-law because I am just mean that way at times.
Pam recently posted..Busiest Moms in the World Clutter Challenge – Floor Battle
LOL that’s hilarious! You gave it to your SIL. I’d give it to my MIL.
S Club Mama recently posted..snow!
My husband would have fits if I gave to MIL. The fact that my SIL was the recipient was a secret until I just blabbed it on here. loll
Pam recently posted..Busiest Moms in the World Clutter Challenge – Floor Battle
Love this. I’m going to a baby shower this Sunday. I think this might be to realistic for a first time Mom. I will be sharing them with the others. Thanks for a good laugh.
You are a genius!!!!
These are right on. Hallmark does have a card line called Edge of Motherhood that would fall in line with these.
I am loving the daughter one but I think my favorite is the never peeing alone again…I’m loving that one too..
Coffee Lovin’ Mom recently posted..French Press Tutorial – Four Easy Steps
LOL can we download these? They are hilarious!! No joke.
S Club Mama recently posted..snow!
Yes, absolutely!!
: ) These just about sum it up perfectly, don’t they?
Motherhood bliss!
Life with Kaishon recently posted..“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” ― Shel Silverstein
Get thee to a cafepress account immediately and make these cards. And then retire on your riches.
Rebeccah recently posted..Turning Points
Ok where are these from??? I’d buy them
SoberJulie recently posted..Flanders Field – I will remember!
I spent WAY too much time making them. :)
Boys ARE disgusting. And violent. I’m not sure what is up with that.
Jennifer recently posted..Share Your Awesome, From Cow to Wow
You should print these on zazzle. I’d buy them.
Me too!!!!!!! What about the cards for second time parents?!
amory/irish twins momma recently posted..Thankfulness, Day 11
Oh YES!
Ohmygoodness, I so needed that laugh!
Galit Breen recently posted..A $200 Giveaway with Minted!
Amen, sister!
I think I would have to think twice about a so-called friend who gave me a card like this. Birth is beautiful and should be celebrated.
My births weren’t particularly beautiful, but the kids sure are. This is celebrating them! Just with some silliness and reality and much-needed “Laugh, Mommy!” attitude.
The juxtaposition of the pictures with the words is perfect.
Kristin recently posted..Giveaway: I’m Here – a book that gives a big hug.
Do we need to be ompletely serious andboring all the time. I wld have laughed hard if given one of these. Know that all my girlfriends wld too.
Love them scary mom, pls approach hallmark right now!!!
I was actually kind of mad at all of my friends for not telling me about this side of being a mother. I appreciate the honesty.
Jennifer recently posted..Share Your Awesome, From Cow to Wow
It’s called having a sense of humor. I figure you would have one if you read anything from this site before.
Birth shouldn’t really always be celebrated. It is a self-centered choice made by the parents to gamble with a child’s life (they could be born with any sort of mental or physical illness) and is leading to world over-population. I know that AFTER the fact parents are the most selfLESS creatures on the planet, but in lieu of the self-centered initial choice, I prefer to say “I wish you a happy and healthy baby” instead of “congratulations”. I thought these cards were funny.
HAHAHAHAHAH You forgot:
Congratulations on the birth of your child!
Remember that thing you did to get here? You’re never doing it again.
Venus recently posted..Red Writing Hood: Say What?
Ohhhhhh, good one!!!!
Dude, 5 months. You still look pregnant for about 5 months.
Stephanie recently posted..Momma’s 12 Days of Christmas are Coming!
Um, or four years.
Or let’s see… 1.. 2… 7. Seven years. Or if you talk to my mother? 40.
Jennifer recently posted..Share Your Awesome, From Cow to Wow
Love these! I am rather font obsessed. What font did you use on “never peeing alone again”?
As am I. It’s called Ballpark. E-mail me if you want me to send it to you.
These are hilarious – the sad secret nobody wants to share with an enthusiastic new parent.
Naps Happen recently posted..Slumbering Swimmingly – Best EVAH
LMAO. Seriously. I am. The boy one…gah. I never knew they got so gross so young. But yet, they do.
I love these! I would totally give these to friends, and then remind them that I have no kids, so I’ll be flouncing off to my clean house to enjoy my disposable income. ;) I mock because I love.
Anne recently posted..Handmade Coastal Christmas – Ornaments
*I* sound lonely? I didn’t just spend god knows how long trolling the comments. You sound like an angry, bitter person. Learn to take a fucking joke.
Anne recently posted..Handmade Coastal Christmas – Ornaments
“congratulations on never peeing alone again” love it so true!
What I wouldn’t give to be able to pee alone! LOL! Either my kid or my dog opens the door…lol! You should totally market these! Too funny!
Jamee @ A New Kind of Normal recently posted..What I Wore Wednesday
I think some commenters are missing the point entirely. These are hilarious. Should be made into spit up towels, so you can be reminded how lucky you are 456719324 times a day.
amber recently posted..Big Advertising Budgets. Itty Bitty Minds.
Love these! Children are the best thing ever but every woman deserves fair warning. ;)
Kids are a life changer. That is a fact. Pretending it’s all sweet and tidy doesn’t do anyone a favor. Kids, can be so darned horrid at times. And for some inexplicable reason we love them more than life itself.
If we can’t have a sense of humor about it, we’re going to need one of those cadillac insurance policies to pay for all the therapy.
Amen.
Right on!
Aimee recently posted..Weigh in day: Week 3
LOL I love the “boys are gross” one. Why yes, yes they are!
mom taxi julie recently posted..Thrift Store Grab Bags
I need these cards! Pronto!!! Awesome!!!!!!
Mimzy Wimzy recently posted..Happy Birthday to…..
I would send these to every new mother I know.
Hell, I’d send them to strangers!
Rebecca recently posted..Getting Carded
How about Congratulations, your boobs will never look the same!
June recently posted..A Night Out
Ohhh, I love that one. I’m on it!
I saw a great card the other day on someecards.com. Congratulations…you’re 19 kids away from your own reality show!
These are so true – I love them! I do wish it only took 2 months to not look pregnant any more though!
Asta Burrows recently posted..Thermos…
Awesome!
I even love your “tag” :)
Carolyn recently posted..Table Manners, Healthy Holiday Recipes, and Avoid Gift Disasters
My brother gave me a card when my daughter was born in Sept that I thought was priceless. It said “Hows your va-jayjay – Enough about you tell me about your beautiful new baby”
Love it that’s great. My uncle asked me if my dd felt as good coming out as going in!!!
I LOVE the ‘you’ll never go to the bathroom alone again’ example. It is so true! I think that is why my 19 month old is already trying to use the potty all on his own-he sees mommy do it so much he already knows what to do!
Cassie recently posted..Stealing Candy from my Baby
You are discusting and (obviously) such a sad person that you think that it is the best use of your time insulting others. So sad.
Cassie recently posted..Stealing Candy from my Baby
Not meant for you Jill! I love everything you write!
Cassie recently posted..Stealing Candy from my Baby
I can think of some for people who are about my age having babies, too.
I’m 23 and I think some people my age are convinced that they’re already running out of time and must have all the babies they can have STAT.
What about? “Congratulations on giving birth to that thing you thought was going to make you “cool.” The rest of us are going to that party we were telling you about..”
Disclaimer: I’m not hating on young mothers. I respect that some out there are perfectly content given the circumstances. I’m hating on the friends of mine who *literally* thought baby-birthing would make others jealous. ;)
Jessica recently posted..The Drive Thru I Frequent | An Embarrassing Story is What This Is…
I remember when my friends in their early 20′s did that! You are so right.
Anne recently posted..Handmade Coastal Christmas – Ornaments
Love the bathroom card! It is uncanny how the moment I have to use the restroom my kids need me or want to sir on my lap. How could this be?!?
I hear you… I have been a mother 8 years now. No sleep, wiping ass, no peeing alone and not being able to be sick all sound too familiar. Funny cards…
Haha, these are awesome. And all so very true.
Oh my gosh! Those are perfect :) Except, 2 months? Hello! My youngest is 7 and I’m still not…. oh well, never mind. I make a good cushion for him ;-)
And boys are totally disgusting and girls (teenage!) are a nightmare. Thank goodness for adult beverages.
Shut the FRONT door. Those are for real the best cards I have seen ever. Too cute and funny! I want one!
Colleen recently posted..11:11:11
Ha! I laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
BRILLIANT
Can’t. stop. laughing.
Can I buy these in a set?
Julie recently posted..Grab Your Shopping List and Let’s Go Visiting
I wish that last card wasn’t so, so true.
Reading (and chickens) recently posted..I Spent Way Too Much Time Analyzing This TV Show
This is awesome! My friend just had a baby so I emailed her one. I’m sure she’ll appreciate my sick sense of humor!
Regina recently posted..Eyes Full of Snow
Actually in the U.S., it is pronounced Rah-Gee-nah, not Rah, Gy-nah. but close enough!
Crazy Nuts Mom recently posted..Holiday Savings for the Fashion Diva
You need to sell these cards to Hallmark or start your own greeting card business. If you haven’t already :)
Bleu recently posted..I do care about the trees… and coffee.
“You will be forced to use nasty public bathrooms because your newly potty trained child likes to sample strange toilets,”
Because boys are gross.
lol, why do boys do that?
Pam recently posted..Busiest Moms in the World Clutter Challenge – Floor Battle
Ha! All so true! Very timely . . . I’ll take them all.
Nina recently posted..The Story of Baby Boy Badzin
Ha, looks great! Mazol on the new add :)
June recently posted..A Night Out
Hil-arious! The receiver might not appreciate it right away, but a few months into motherhood, she will grateful for your honesty.
I love “Boys are disgusting”. Cause they really are.
Not Winning Mom of the Year recently posted..Dear Dina,
Christ, boys are disgusting.
Genius, Jill.
Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him recently posted..Are You There Richard Simmons? It’s Me, Erin.
I hope you sent these on to Hallmark.
Jessica recently posted..The Backyard Remodeling Continues
I wish they had these in the stores. LOL! So fitting! Thanks for making me laugh!
Hilarious! I would definately buy these! My fav : my vagina hurts thinking oF you! Ahahahaha!
Oh my goodness, I am in stitches… Jill, I am SO forwarding this to friends!
Nan recently posted..Read me a Story: Audiobooks are Awesome!
Hallmark needs these RIGHT NOW. Awesome stuff, Jill!
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Less Is More
Both neighbours are expecting a child! Please tell me I can download these! Or at least order them? They are hilarious!
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Belgian chocolate pound cake also know as the Waterloo of my detox
Be my guest!
These are awesome! I would have died laughing if I got these when I had my son. With how quickly I would cry after giving birth, a good laugh would have been perfect.
It’s a good job you didn’t see these when you had your son then, or he would have gone up for adoption after your death. Possibly being adopted by lesbians. LESBIANS.
OMG!! Love these. You should really at least open a web store so we can buy these. I am sure you can make up some really good cards for the ex! These are cute and hysterical…especially My vagina hurts… still laughing!
Hilarious!!
jill these cards are amazing. I am so proud of you. love and miss you. jill s.
This post had me laughing until there were tears streaming down my face. Clever! :)
-MM
Marie recently posted..St. Gianna’s Maternity Home
OMG- I was pee-pee laughing and crying all at the same time!!
Those are exactly what a new mom needs about a month after the big day when you really need a good laugh (and cry) about what you’ve got yourself into!
LOVE THEM- you are too funny!
My vagina hurts just reading those cards.
Carri recently posted..Easy Twice Baked Potato Casserole
These are fantastic!!!!!!!!
I have never seen better cards. SELL THESE!
You would make a killing with these. Way more money than blogging!
No Drama Mama recently posted..Good Job, Mississippi!
personally, my favorite is the reminder of the “fourth trimester” still looking pregnant time. one of the most beautiful aspects of motherhoood :)
anna ~ random handprints recently posted..A few random offerings from the mouths of my kids: The Ziggy Edition
I’m a little sad to see how many women find these amusing. Hardly a respectable card to send regarding such a beautiful event.
These are not only amusing, they are REAL. I dont know anyone who lives in the perfect world of “nothing ever was fucked up with MY experience in childbirth or mothering”. These are what REALLY happens and if we DONT laugh about it, we will all go CRAZY! Thanks you scandalous blogging maniac (scary mommy) for making MY day:)
It’s called humor…
Seriously? I don’t know about you, but for me giving birth was a blur of pain, screaming, an idiot nurse who admitted she’d never given birth telling me to calm down, my va-jayjay being stretched to what felt like an impossible size, and a whole lot of gross reddish slime.
These are fantastic! Would love to get some for my pregnant friends :)
Natalie recently posted..For Fuck’s Sake Friday!
LOVELOVELOVE. I showed my husband and we had a great laugh. Also once you have a little one, there goes showering alone until they are 6 or 7.
I have to clarify the shower statement. My youngest would strip off her clothes and come running to the bathroom whenever she would hear the shower running. So I would end up in the shower with a toddler/ preschooler for the longest time I cherish my alone time in the shower.
I think I need my card to be ammended that a year later uou still look pregnant!
Marta recently posted..Crazy about Christmas Cards
These are priceless. I think the ass wiping one is my favourite too! :)
These are great!
Ann recently posted..Ann’s facebook ticker now with 70% more monotony!
Love it. I think you need a c-section one.
“Congratulations! Sorry about that emergency surgery. Don’t worry–the scar fades. Sort of.”
Natalie @ MamaTrack recently posted..Something to Keep You Going
Hilarious! I love the irony of the happy pictures and font with the messages.
Recovering Supermom recently posted..My Defining Moment
LOL!! I agree. Why lie to them. Being mommy somtimes sucks…it’s not all gumdrops and roses people!! We might as well be honest and stop setting the newbies up for failure and dissapointment :)
Crystal recently posted..Knight in Shining…Camo???
Childfree people (like me) will mistake these cards for advertisements to not have kids. That’s how I got here: I followed the link posted from a childfree group on FB. That’s exactly how they’re interpreting them lol. Personally, I think there’s no better statement about the end result of having kids than “the stork is a bird of war” on youtube.
Childfree people? You guys have a formal name now? I preferred it when we just called you whores and sluts.
Funny troll.
Nothing like getting real on ‘em!!
Mel recently posted..Shhhhhh…..it’s Saturday!
I sent one of these to my friend via email, she had a baby on 11/8. She said ‘my vagina hurts more reading your card’
lol. Thanks Scary Mommy!
Crazy Nuts Mom recently posted..Slow Cooker Chili
lol. I wrote that wrong. she said her vagina hurts more after reading the card. but I will have to remind her about reading things with her vagina!
Regina recently posted..Holiday Savings for the Fashion Diva
Ha ha! That’s hilarious!! I love it!! Baha!! “You’re going to look pregnant for two more months!!” So true! bx
Awesome! Everyone around me seems to be having babies, I’ll send them to your site for the new cards. Spectacular!
I’m a dork, don’t follow the website on my post above, LMAO, I put our names in the wrong order. It’s definitely a Monday!
athena recently posted..Best Buds
I wish I’d seen these before having babies myself. Although then I might not have had babies. I guess I take that back. ;-P
And the wiping. OMG, the wiping.
Love, love, love it!!! If you had only included one that said something along the lines of…”oh what a beautiful little baby girl…call me when she hits puberty..I know a good priest who performs a fantastic exorcism!!!
If only these WERE sold in stores…
Greeting cards are too boring – they need an overhaul like these.
Hilarious!
OMG, you HAVE to make the printables… Can’t stop laughing.
I’m going to print a few of these out and hide em in the wife’s hospital bag. Everyone likes cards, right?
Chris @ CleverFather recently posted..Life as a Dad: Sticky Situation
Pure genius. I need one of each, please.
Elizabeth recently posted..End of a (baby blanket) legacy.
hahaha! awesome. It’s sad but true, all of it :-)
So… when if you new line of “tell it like it is” greeting cards coming out? ;-)
Love the never peeing alone. Still don’t understand why they close the door for themselves and feel it is time to chat when I am sitting there.
Fantastic. I would suggest one like, “Congrats on your new baby. Don’t throw it out the window!” But I am kinda dark like that.
Meredith Bland recently posted..Car-versations.
Ummm these were so ridiculously funny I laughed out loud. Which isn’t a good thing because it’s 12:30 am Vegas time and everyone is sleeping including Matilda thank God-
My Favorite: Your going to look pregnant for two more months enjoy your baby. – Yea no one told me that part LOL
Thanks for the huge laugh
http://www.mompreneurmogul.com
Wait…how did you manage the Hallmark store with kids?! Mine chase each other around the aisles and pull out the cards with animals on them and refile them incorrectly. It’s all I can do to grab a card and pay for it while listening to them whine about why I’m not buying them anything.
Katy @ Experiencedbadmom.blogspot.com recently posted..Sh#* Happens
I love these! You had me laughing. My favorite is the peeing alone one. You have no idea how much I miss peeing alone, and my youngest is almost 5… They are all great though.
I love these cards. They are brutal, but honest. They should be given out, somehow, before conception.
JG recently posted..The World’s Problem with Curves
If you ever want to create and send these cards to someone – let me know. I’ll hook you up with a free SendOutCards account so you can put a smile on 10 new mamas faces :)
Ivette Muller recently posted..Save 50% on Personalized Products from Pexagon Technology
I really like them all but there is no card that could justify motherhood and all of the new experiences and surprises. ; )
LOVE THEM! I would love to buy a nice boxed set to hand out at Mother’s Day. There’s no point in crushing a new mom’s hope of ever peeing alone again right away, hopefully by the time Mother’s Day rolls around the new mom can laugh at them too.
(Ps. being able to pee alone – albeit holding the bathroom door shut – is the highlight of my day;)
Angela recently posted..A little bit Country, a little bit Rock and Roll
These cards are great…. sadly true… but still great!
pretty sure that putting, “Want good karma? Share this post!” is actually bad karma for you…
pretty sure, “Want good karma? Share this post!” is actually bad karma for you…