5 Reasons Why Moms Shouldn’t Take Sex Advice From Magazines

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Many women’s magazines have a “Mom” version of the “How To Have Better Sex” article. Usually, the titles alone make me feel like I should keep an extinguisher by the bed, along with a bucket of cold water to douse on myself and my partner when we begin to spontaneously combust from sheer passion: “How to Keep Your Love Life Hot and Your Sex Life in Flames.” “10 Ways to Reignite Your Marriage.” “How To Turn Up the Heat In the Bedroom, Without Singeing the Sheets.” (Oh, I like that last one)

Seriously, can we disband the sex myths propagated by magazines, and have a little straight talk here?

Let me break it to you (in case you haven’t figured it out already), sex after kids is often not so hot — or even often, for that matter. That said, here’s what I think about the most common tips given to moms through sex advice in magazines…

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1. Don’t Forget the Foreplay. Multitasking Mom Response: Really? Really? As it is, I have to have sex while catching up on my Tivo’d shows, reading US Weekly, having a healthy protein snack, and repeating the words, “lettuce, milk, eggs” over and over until I can get to a pen. Now I have to add something else to my repertoire? Look writers, we forgot the foreplay a long time ago. Well, my husband didn’t, he calls it brushing his teeth, which I am beyond thankful for..

2. Set the Mood (You know, candles, aromatic massage oils and sexy lingerie?) Brutal Honesty Response: Are we still taking time to set the mood? I mean, isn’t that what got us here in the first place? Listen, if there’s no lingering gas odor in the room and you’re in an old t-shirt without any holes, I say you’re as sexy as you need to get. Work your dimmer switch and voila… ambiance. Better yet, utilize the TV as a source of beautiful ambient light. If you can get the volume to an audible level, you can work in sex without giving up Real Housewives. It’s called multitasking, something we moms are all too familiar with.

As for a massage, I’m lucky if I don’t get one of my kids’ leftover Doritos corners embedded in my thigh. When I ask my husband to flick it out and slide the remaining crumbs off my tush like sand paper, does that count as a massage? Well, arguably, it’s more like an exfoliation, but it’s undeniably hot.

3. Have a Date Night Every Week. Reality Check Response: I love this one, because in theory it’s a legitimately good idea. It’s definitely worth trying every week, but unfortunately, it assumes that there will be a night each week when no one is sick or has an event/activity. It also assumes that on that same night there will be a babysitter or grandparent available, and neither you nor your hubby are too tired to go to dinner — a meal where much of your conversation will inevitably revolve around the kids.

4. Time Your Trysts Around Nap-Time. Realistic and Yes, Snarky Response: Everyone knows that there’s nothing women like more, when trying to have an orgasm, than the sense of pressure that time constraints puts on the experience. It’s like telling moms to ‘sleep when the baby sleeps,’ we’d love to do it, but it ain’t gonna happen!

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5. Start Your Day With a Bang (Set your alarm an hour earlier and have an uninterrupted top-o-the-morning.) Bitchy Uncensored Response: First of all, what ambitious sex-perts think an entire hour is necessary? Nine minutes would do the trick and still, I’m not down with that idea. Do you know what I like to do before I wake up in the morning? SLEEP! In fact, THE ONLY THING I BANG IN THE MORNING IS THE SNOOZE BUTTON! Yep, I’m not even willing to bang that button one less time!

OK Mommas, do yourselves a favor, throw out those, “spice it up” pieces and “top 10 lists,” and pick quality over quantity. Or at least do it enough that you don’t end up in couples therapy.

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  1. 1

    Elizabeth says

    Love this!! So True. 1 Toddler & 1 baby later and Foreplay really does equal brushed teeth (maybe mouthwash too)! Setting the mood? Hmm, that would be taking off our shirts… instead of the usual quick dropping of the lower half coverings. Date Night every week?! HA! Once a month is tough to pull off. Naptime Nookie? Yes. However, that timeline pressure and “shhh, don’t wake the baby” shit makes it much less fun for one of us (me – can we say, taking one for the team here?) AND I completely agree… there is no way in HELL that I would wake up a fragment of a moment earlier than I have to in order to have sex. No F-ing way.

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      • 3

        Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle says

        I would agree and it makes me crazy that we’re dressed on top, yet not crazy enough to move my arms the amount it would take to get my shirt off.

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    • 4

      Mike says

      Well, I’m going to step in and provide you fine ladies with one man’s perspective. My wife and I have two kids, 6 and 8, and we went through a very dry spell for several years while the kids were toddlers. We have improved marginally since then, but our sex life is still not much more than once per month.

      Now, I fully realize that this article was written as a humorous commentary; however, I also feel that we joke about the things that concern us. If the humor didn’t strike close to home, then it wouldn’t be as funny to us readers and there wouldn’t be so many comments posted.

      I find it interesting that the first 2 ‘tips’ in the article both revolved around the importance of television, and trying to find time for intimacy without missing your favorite shows . From my perspective, it appears that television is equally as important as being intimate with hubby, if not more so. (Which do you do more often?) Now for my humorous, snarky sarcastic comment: I guess the TV will still be there for you when your man leaves to seek a reasonable amount of attention and companionship. For my wife and I, the TV is not a problem – neither of us watches it. Our problem, which runs parallel to the TV vs. intimacy issue, is her dedication to reading: books of all sorts. Every night without fail. It makes me feel as though I am about 29 times less important than the words printed on the paper. I think that the knowledge she is gaining through reading is wonderful, but she is doing it to the point that I feel that the books are more important to her than our relationship. What do YOU dedicate your time and energy to that makes your man feel second or third most important in your life? (besides the kids – I understand that one completely – they are the priority for both my wife and I). What habits do you have that could be throttled back a bit in order to shift some of your time and energy to your soulmate? Which is more important to you?

      I agree with the closing paragraph of the article – and challenge you to find a way to have both sufficient quality and quantity. Because the last sentence of the article is the likely next step if you don’t.

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      • 5

        Chrissy says

        You sound just like my husband, Mike. I decided long ago that he was right and I was putting things like my reading before our time together. It took years for me to realize that I was hurting his feelings with a thing I liked that I could do at another time.

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      • 7

        Jen says

        Gimme a break
        Do you give up watching football or playing golf for some nookie time?
        (Insert whatever manly thing you like to do if you don’t do those things)
        Women need downtime too besides hump time
        Or better yet help out more and therefore get more?
        Goes both ways dude
        Nothing makes me hotter than seeing my Hubby washing some dishes

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        • 8

          SR says

          And nothing makes my Hubby want to put me first more than my giving it to him twice a week. We have 3 kids under age 4 and we’re expecting #4 soon, so I have all the same excuses too. But all you really need is a toothbrush and 15 minutes – and it relaxes both of us and keeps us smiling. Saying “goes both ways” and thinking “what is HE giving up for ME” is essentially keeping score. Do you really think that’s going to make you happy in your marriage? (If it does then by all means, continue)

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          • 9

            zumpie says

            I don’t think that’s what she meant at all and I happen to agree, this idea of a wife taking time for herself and pursuing her own interests means she doesn’t care about her husband is bull. There’s an awful lot of male entitlement and Phyllis Schlafly going on here.

            As noted in other spots here—married for 20 years, together for 22. And yeah I’ve met plenty of couple who talked about how they “did it all the time”. They’re all divorced now

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      • 10

        Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle says

        Mike I’m glad you liked SOME of the piece, what can I tell you, there’s nothing more calming than a dramatic turn on Vanderpump Rules!

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      • 11

        not stiffed enough says

        That gives both ways Mike. My husband finds his online gaming more important than coming to bed with his wife, who would gladly throw in foreplay AND sex more than once a week. I get a peck on the cheek and sent to bed like a good girl instead of quality time. So before you get too snarky about the females multitasking remember that you men pass up many chances to ‘keep the fire lit’. I won’t give up my sleep in the wee hours but when He isn’t working he could, and maybe join in the shower for that quicky. Just saying!!

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  2. 16

    Lorrie says

    While I find this hysterical and too true, this was me after 3 kids, I am going through a horrible divorce. Besides the fact that my soon to be EX was a huge ass, my ideas about sex with kids were exactly the same. Him not so much, while I do think some of the magazine’s ideas are cliche and almost impossible, I will tell you from experience if you don’t make time for some of these suggestions, most men will find them elseware. So if you want your marriage to work, you have to make time for more than 10 minutes of sex.

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    • 17

      zumpie says

      Actually, if a guy’s a cheater—he’s a cheater. Or it’s a sign of something even deeper than not enough sex in the marriage.

      My friend is the much younger (like 30 years) wife #3 of a guy who’s kinda a jerk. She’s also gorgeous, him not so much. No he isn’t rich (try flat broke), either.

      Anyway, she arrived home to tell him she was preggers to him almost cheating with someone who was sort of her friend. He was able to explain it away, and ignoring everyone’s advice, they worked it out (which is their choice and business).

      I’ve met plenty of women whose husbands cheated on them despite there being no children in the marriage, and their sex life overall being fine. Typically infidelity is less about lack of sex and more about other issues (with the individual or the marriage itself).

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      • 18

        SR says

        In general I agree but I don’t think the above scenario is exactly “typical”. Unfortunately even a wonderful, sweet man will be likely to stray (even if just emotionally) if your sex life goes down the tubes. For men sex is not “just sex”, it’s the way they connect with us, express love and feel close to us. For men it’s the lifeblood of a marriage in ways that us women will never fully understand.

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        • 19

          zumpie says

          Actually—those would be more ladies’ reasons for straying. Any therapist will tell you men do stray over sex, but it’s more them than you.

          Men stray because 1) humans aren’t really hard wired to be lifetime monagamous (civilization has just drilled it into us—-and that’s why 50% of marriages end in divorce and dudes in other (and older) cultures just cheat like crazy). 2) Madonna/whore complex plays BIG here. They really might not BE as into you after you’ve become a mommy. 3) Thrill of the chase/adrenalin rush—-which they most assuredly get from cheating…..no matter how hard you try to be the good available wifey.

          Mind you, I’m a mom and we just celebrating our 20th anniversary, but there’s a lot of mythology and men who cheat, are cheaters—and in all likelihood it ISN’T the wife’s fault.

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          • 20

            Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle says

            I agree, I don’t really think my hubs would cheat. Shit, did I put that in writing? OK now I have to watch my back and the fact that I’ve admitted to not much quantity in this piece, I may be screwed. Well, maybe the next girl will pick up some of the slack!

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  3. 24

    Lisa Poltz says

    If one more person tells me I need a “date night” I will punch them square in the face. Thank you for the laugh!

    I’ve also heard this one, wake your husband up at 2 or 3 in the morning to mess around. Are you kidding??? I’m lucky to get 6 hrs a night’s sleep. I’m deep in REM stage at the hour. I have better dreams than sex!

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    • 25

      Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle says

      At that point I’m having sex with Brad Pitt, and since I’m not Angelina Jolie (well, that’s what I hear), I prefer to stay asleep as well!

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  4. 26

    Kelly says

    Ha. Ha. Set my alarm an hour earlier. I already get up at 5:30am. And there is usually a kid on our floor ready to wake up at the first sign of movement or, even better, between us in bed. And we both work full-time, so naptime is during daycare hours… Wouldn’t it be nice if we all stayed home all day and slept in enough to get up an hour early! I guess we’ll have to settle for a quickie on the weekend in some random place in the house!

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    • 27

      Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle says

      Please, we’ve tried my closet… which is not a walkin. JK, it’s a walkin, but kind or a sidle in. Needless to say it ended in laughter!

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    • 28

      says

      This is my husband and I’s situation. We have a three year old cosleeping with us so as soon as alarm sounds he is wide awake no matter what time it is. he never naps ever and we have to find secret hiding places to have sex while he looks for us and usually no clothes come off just moved out of the way to much time taking off clothes means he finds us and we loose the moment

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  5. 30

    MILF Runner says

    A sitter for our numerous kids in our neck of the woods is $20/hr. We could do a date night walk around the block with a quickie in the car parked in the driveway. Anything else is breaking the bank. KWIM? That said, I’m finally in a place where the other things get a “hmmmm, that might work” – only because our youngest is finally in school part time and I get a bit of a break from the constant demands of days past.

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    • 31

      Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle says

      You did see that I tried the closet correct… kids were home… it did not work. But I think everyone should get an A for effort. Just like when I try to cook!

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  6. 34

    Tiffany says

    I remember the newly wed days. The days when inevitable I made sure we were ready for work with a half hour to spare since it was a challenge to not undress on our way out the door! Three kids, one being autistic later and sex was more something that I was lucky to happen once a week. Kids bedtime routine started at 7, and they were asleep by 8:30 if I was lucky. However, it was kinda fun to be playing around a la teenager days to make sure the kids didn’t wake up!

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    • 35

      Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle says

      It’s like a game “how much can we get away with before we scare someone into therapy for life?” everyone’s playing it. XO

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