You Might Be a Parent If…

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Mom_comforting_child_with_bunny_toy


When a friend told me that she instructed her husband and his friends to use “inside voices” when they got riled up watching a basketball game, I laughed. “Yeah, you might be a parent,” I told her.

 

I joked, but I do stuff like that myself. Just last week I told my mother to be careful as she walked down the stairs in my house. My inner Jeff Foxworthy piped up: “If you advise other grown-ups to be vvvveerrrrrrryyyyyyyy careful as they go down your stairs, you might be a parent.”

 

I give it away that I “might be a parent” all of the time. I bet you do, too.

 

1. If you correct you coworkers and friends when they don’t say “please” and “thank you”, you might be a parent.

 

2. If you automatically cut your own food into teensy-weensy pieces, you might be a parent.

 

3. If you hum “Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere…” while you do dishes, you might be a parent.

 

4. If you would give your left arm for a brand new, fully loaded, top-of-the-line minivan, you might be a parent.

 

5. If you previously swore that you would never, ever, EVER drive a minivan, you might be a parent.

 

6. If your idea of a good time includes going to Target, alone, on a Saturday night, you might be a parent.

 

7. If you have ever tried to re-roll an entire roll of unraveled toilet paper, you might be a parent.

 

8. If you’ve had to choose between an extra 10 minutes of sleep and making it day 3 without a shower, you might be a parent.

 

9. If you think staying up until 10pm qualifies as burning the midnight oil, you might be a parent.

 

10. If you think sleeping until 8am is sleeping really, really late, you might be a parent.

 

11. If you spell-talk to others even when there are no K-I-D-S around to hear you talk S-H-I-T, you might be a parent.

 

12. If you’ve discussed poop with someone like you’re a couple of CSI investigators, you might be a parent.

 

13. If a friend asks for a good book recommendation and you reply “The Gruffalo! It’s adorable!” without hesitation, you might be a parent.

 

14. If you’ve ever hidden in a closet to eat a cookie or have a glass of wine in peace, you might be a parent.

 

15. If you automatically tell your partner you’re SO proud of them after they use the toilet, you might be a parent.

 

16. If you’ve licked your fingers to clean something off your boss’ face, you might be a parent.

 

17. If you believe it is completely OK to flip kids off behind their backs, you might be a parent.

 

18. If you know the difference between Muno and Brobee, you might be a parent.

 

19. If you know who Muno and Brobee even are, you might be a parent.

 

20. If you’ve scooped vomit out of your bra, you might be a parent.

 

21. If you have walked around all day with barf down your back, you might be a parent.

 

22. If there is more food under your kitchen table than on it, you might be a parent.

 

23. If there are so many Cheerios on your floor that it looks like you use them as confetti, you might be a parent.

 

24. If you’ve removed anything other than boogers from another person’s nostril, you might be a parent.

 

25. If you and your mate feel more like tag-team wrestlers or zoo-keepers than lovers, you might be a parent.

 

26. If you consider shaving your legs every two weeks shaving often, you might be a parent.

 

27. If people in other cars have caught you singing Hakuna Matata at the top of your lungs at a red light, you might be a parent.

 

28. If everything in the top rack of your dishwasher is made of brightly colored plastic and there is never room for glasses, you might be a parent.

 

29. If it doesn’t strike you as inappropriate to sniff someone else’s ass or look in their pants for poop, you might be a parent.

 

30. If you can carry on a coherent, excited, one-sided conversation with something that cannot talk back, you might be a parent.

 

Might you be a parent?

 

Comments

  1. 1

    Dorothy says

    If you automatically throw your arm out to hold back a rider in the passenger seat when braking hard, you might be a parent (I’ve unexpectedly felt up a lot of boobies in the last twenty years).

  2. 8

    Arnebya says

    Yup. Every single one of these. And if you go to pour yourself something to drink but only give yourself half a cup, you might be a parent.

  3. 9

    Debbie says

    Good list for knowing you might be a parent.
    Here is one, When you leave your house instead of taking a purse with you it feels like you have a small suitcase, you might be a parent.
    If you go to pay for something at the story, instead of pulling out your wallet you pull out a zip lock bag full of gold fish you might be a parent.
    Thanks for the smiles and reminders. :)
    Debbie

  4. 10

    Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes says

    I adore The Gruffalo!
    And say what you will but sleeping until IS sleeping late…
    Also: if you go shopping for a new handbag you chose the one which can hold the most diapers.

  5. 11

    Amanda Martin says

    Oh yes, a few of those. Definitely the hiding in the closet to eat cookies (or telling hubbie he has to take his upstairs). My car has so many Cheerios in it I sometimes think a strange creature lives in there with odd circle-shaped poops.
    I’d also add ‘if you can have a conversation with three people at once and not lose your train of thought’ or ‘if you always have wetwipes and offer them to strangers in need’ or ‘if you realise you’ve worn the same pair of jeans for a week’….

  6. 13

    Kiwi says

    Luv it. #6 just happened to me last week. My friend and I got together for “girl time” on sun night and it included trips to walmart and target without kids :) And how about

    If you’ve ever asked someone over the age of 15 “Do you have to go potty?” you might be a parent.

    • 14

      Ncwg76 says

      Yessss!!! My hubby was just hospitalized and his kidneys were funky while he was in there…I kept asking him if he had to go potty!!! Lol.

    • 15

      Mary says

      Our kids are 12 and 8. Hubby and I still say we have to go potty whenever one of us has to use the bathroom.

    • 17

      Jenn says

      Hah, I thought the same on that one! ALthough usually when my cats do that, it’s impossible to reroll because it has become toilet paper confetti….

  7. 18

    Elizabeth Rolleston says

    Most of the above …. And if you are out for a walk with your other half, no children, and as you go to cross the road you hold him back by putting out our arm and saying “wait”.( Never going to live that one down). Definitely think I am a parent.

  8. 20

    Momchalant says

    HAHA. I have so much more food under my table than on it, and it’s all over the floor. But, we just got a dog so it’s like a vacuum that I never have to plug in!

  9. 21

    grownandflown says

    I parent my girl friends, I parent my husband, I parent my 85-year old mother, I parent my labradors, I parent my teenage daughter. What I am learning to do is hide my parenting from my college kid – I do it in disguise….parenting never ends!

  10. 22

    Stephanie says

    I’d actually give anything to LOSE my top-of-the-line, fully loaded minivan. So you KNOW I’m a mom.

  11. 25

    Jennifer says

    How about if your purse weighs 20 pounds because it’s full of paper, crayons, markers, handwipes, playing cards and a plastic bag in case someone has to puke, you might be a parent.

    Also when we go out and someone else’s child is acting up, I always quietly let the mom know that I’ve got plenty of things that she can use to distract her child. Most are grateful, some don’t react as kindly lol.

  12. 26

    Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle says

    Oh, I just might be a parent. The other day I asked my husband if he remembered to wash his hands when he left the bathroom. How bad is that???

  13. 28

    Mary says

    #20. I’ve never scooped vomit out of my bra but I have had vomit pooled up in my underwear. DD’s projectile vomit while I was wearing a nightgown. Honestly I didn’t even care since that meant it missed the white bedroom carpet.

  14. 29

    Stephanie says

    If you’ve forgotten what hot coffee tastes like… (I’ve taken to ordering mine “extra hot” so that there’s a remote chance I get to drink it a little warm)

    If you consider eating anything other than Mac and cheese (for the 4th night in a row) a “fancy” dinner.

  15. 32

    The Next Step says

    hahahah, yes to every one of those, except #4, because I still do #5. :-)

    And #15, I still try to avoid discussing what happens in the bathroom with my husband. Of course, today’s blog post blows that out of the water if he reads it.

    And I swear the gravitational pull beneath my kitchen table is stronger than anywhere else on Earth.

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