You Might Have a 3 Year Old If…

You Might Have a 3 Year Old If...

1. You wish that, when God created children, he remembered to install a mute button.

2. The bigger the rush you are in, the more your child walks like he’s wearing cement boots in a vat of molasses.

3. You feel like you’ve become trapped in the movie Memento, as he tells the same story to you time and time again, always with vigor. You’ve tried to perfect the art of inserting “uh huhs” at the right time but you know (and he knows) you’re not quite there.

4. You are forced to listen to pop music ad nauseum, as Katy Perry is his “fravorite” singer.

5. You’ve decided whomever dubbed them the “terrible twos” is either dumb or has never had a three-year-old.

6. Where you once nibbled on his toes and body parts with abandon, you now wish he wore plastic wrap over his whole body. You’ve seen where he puts things, and it isn’t pretty. You hold hands but cringe knowing he considers booger picking an Olympic sport.

7. After a day with him, you find your new mantra is “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.”

8. Sometimes your only goal for the day is to get him through parking lots without dying. He walks through them like one of the patients who have just escaped catatonia in the movie Awakenings. His mouth is agape and he zigzags like he’s trying to escape an alligator. You only narrowly escape your goal.

9. He will never remember to put his yogurt wrapper in the garbage but will never, EVER forget the ONE time you ran a red light. Let it go, Dude!

10. He’s never tired until … zzzzzzz …

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11. He could care less what you dress him in, which you take advantage of far too often.

12. Put any same-sized human next to him, and they are instantly friends.

13. Finding two matching shoes is more difficult than solving the Pythagorean theorem. Same goes for socks.

14. You do not want to sit too close, as the insults about blemishes, yellow teeth, nose hairs, etc., will crush your soul.

15. Although you could have sworn you just cut them, his toenails will always look like those of Howard Hughes.

16. He’ll eat fruit like it’s crack but any veggies get a “What’s dis?”

17. He’s a major conservationist, as he not only lets the yellow mellow but he also doesn’t flush the brown down.

18. Talk of any vulgar bodily function will send him into a fit of laughter that you think could kill him.

19. He is a terror at home but his preschool teacher and babysitter report he is nothing but an angel. Figures.

20. Despite any of the bad stuff goes with it, you wish so badly you could create a machine that freezes him at this age, as he is bursting with cuteness.

About the writer

Marnie is a freelance writer and mom to two nutty boys – Finn, 5, and Declan, 3 (and 2 two chubby pugs named Fred and Olive). When not writing, she's usually working out or cracking a bottle of Malbec. Screw moderation. You can find her irreverent mommy blog at LoveButBlog, on Twitter, and on Facebook.

From Around the Web


Lauren 1 year ago

I know I have a 3 year old because I now EXCLUSIVELY eat my once daily guilty pleasure mini Heath bars in the shower.

Melastik Bintang 1 year ago

im not having the 3rd yet… coming soon the second one..

Susan Maccarelli 2 years ago

Hahahaha! I love this! My daughter is definitely a parking lot maniac. I am getting more and more graphic with my warnings to her about what could happen if she runs loose in the parking lot, but I don’t feel like describing death to her yet, so I may not be as forceful as I could with my warnings. These are great and I so relate with my 3 year old daughter.

Jen 2 years ago

Yes, yes, and oh, yes. I was reading along remembering every single one of these and smiling. And then the last one made me choke up. I love every stage but our daughter is 13 now and last week I got my first “I hate you.” I love her more than breathing but I’d like to re-visit the world of 3 for a day or two.

Caitlin Mezger 2 years ago

Although she is already 4 and a half, this is my lg to the tee!!! And on some days, my 6 year old lg too!

predictions 2 years ago

What a stuff of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious knowledge concerning unexpected feelings.

Michele Baumgardner 2 years ago

Sorry, S.M.! Hey, it’s 3 am, what would you expect of another scary mom?

Michele Baumgardner 2 years ago

omg I want a job with A.M.!

Alicia Stumm Corp 2 years ago

I have a teenager and a toddler with two in the middle. Is there a difference? Whatever I say, the opposite occurs.

Alicia Stumm Corp 2 years ago

#20!!! My last baby.

My dishwasher’s possessed 2 years ago

The three’s are very challenging! It’s really good practice because when they get into their teens its’ the threes all over!

Elizabeth English 2 years ago

Love all these posts about toddlers but I cant wait until all these bloggers have teenagers.. now that will be some really good reading.

Kristen Mae of Abandoning Pretense 2 years ago

Um… you are funny. I like you. I’m following you.

April Thompson Smith 2 years ago

Love this! My 3 yr old is the perfect example of #19! Her hugs and ‘kissies’ make it all worth it though :)

Vanessa Bowers Lundquist 2 years ago

Agreed, but with a girl who sings “Let it go! Let it go!” Over and over and over again… Who screams and falls to the floor in a fit of anguish if one of her older sisters (I have 3 girls) touches her… Who makes me laugh at least one time every damn day :)

Maria Acosta 2 years ago


Eve Auksel 2 years ago

I’ve decided that 3 should be illegal.

Kristine Mullinax 2 years ago

so true, living this now. And loving him all the same :)

Tracey 2 years ago

I have 2 boys with the same names! 2 years apart. Freaky. And ALL of this is true!!!

KellyandJunior Martinez 2 years ago

Cute! I’ve got a year to go!

Sharon T White Hove 2 years ago

I have a 3yo but only 3 of these are true for mine

Glenda Palma 2 years ago

So funny and true, but wouldn’t trade this age for the world.

Sheryl Weisman Herchenroeder 2 years ago

Teenage boy – not much different.

CStulceSmith 2 years ago

These were perfect. I have a 3yo girl tho and shes EXTREMELY sure she KNOWS EXACTLY what she wants to wear, whether it matches, is clean, or is weather appropriate.

Leslie Meadows Williams 2 years ago

This carries over to 4 as well. So true. Funny.

Marnie 2 years ago

Oh man, I didn’t really think about that. I haven’t had the girl experience. While I’d love it, I appreciate that I get to be lazy in this way! :-)

Amanda-jayne Bradbury 2 years ago

No.19……oh yes! I so wanted the terrible 2 ‘ s to have vanished on his 3rd birthday but apparently they where mearly just a pre cursor to testing 3 ‘ s!! Please tell me both are not a warm up to the f*$ king 4 ‘ s? ????xx

Diane Burke Ptacin 2 years ago

They are the terrible 2’s, tyrannical 3’s, and flakey 4’s.

Georganne Faulkner Schuch 2 years ago

The child who plays in the sprinkler and rolls in the mud will act like you’re bathing her in acid.

Misty Rodems 2 years ago

How appropriate on my twins 3rd birthday that you post this :-)

Heather Walshberry 2 years ago

#7 all the way!

sarcasmica 2 years ago

Ha, so true. 2 is nothin’ compared to 3 !

Jessi Jones 2 years ago

Swap Taylor Swift for Katy Perry and that about nails it

Erin Owens 2 years ago

Oh the threes…only preparing us for the fours!

Mindy Rao 2 years ago

My son is almost 3, so I can’t say for *sure*, but he doesn’t do almost any of these. He is very stubborn and impatient, though. I also teach pre-k, so I can tell you from experience that 4 year olds are a DREAM compared to 2 almost 3 year olds. Guess it mostly depends on parents/kids.

Vanessa Nieves 2 years ago

You just described my 5 year old.

Melissa Ortiz 2 years ago

Twins 4 yo boys and a 3 yo boy here. Omfg, NEVER do this to yourself.

Tara Hanna 2 years ago

hell yes, no other age has anything on 4…..I will be using Fucking fours….over and over….my boys are 10.5 months apart….3 and 4…..pray for me…or send me beer.

Stephanie Heaton Wochos 2 years ago

#19 is so true

Natalie Ringwall 2 years ago

My best friend and I named them terrible two’s, testy three’s then come the fucking fours oh good lord the fours were rough lol

Shylo Bywater Dahle 2 years ago

Sounds like my 2, 6, & 11 yr old lol

Amber Westberg Neubauer 2 years ago

So perfectly put love this article!! The last one is my favorite!

Shalon Goodwin Bull 2 years ago

Love this so much!!

Mandy Renfro 2 years ago

I miss my kids being 2 & 3… but I’m also glad we’re not at the 2&3 year old age anymore!!! 12months-3 was my favorite age… so freakin cute

Heather Abbate 2 years ago

Lol this is so true

Jenn Saunders 2 years ago

Katie some of these yes. Wish I had a mute button even now for kaden.

Kristine 2 years ago

#11—–eh, not quite for me… 3 year old girl dictates on some days what she wears. It’s not worth the fight. She’s worn many a pajama bottom with princess shoes and a tiara…out in public. It’s a girl thing.

Regina DeBias Bernacik 2 years ago

Same applies to 4, 5 and 6 yr olds!

Mikki 2 years ago

I was incredibly lucky with my daughter has a 3 year old, but 4? Whines, cries, and attitude. I can imagine this list will come in very handy for my sister, however, when my nephew turns 3. He is a force to be reckoned with! Great list!

Love 2 years ago

Pure perfection. Every word. In addition to #20, I’d add that I wish there were a camera crew here 24/7 to record his antics. Even in the midst of being a holy terror, that cute little lispy way three year olds talk has got to be the most adorable thing ever. And he can NOT stop kissing and hugging and throwing “I love you’s” around like they were made of gold. I don’t know exactly when they grow out of that, but I hope it’s not for at least 50 years. By the way, where ARE all the missing mates to the socks and shoes??? This is worse than the missing spoons debacle!


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