You Might Have a 3 Year Old If…

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You Might Have a 3 Year Old If...

1. You wish that, when God created children, he remembered to install a mute button.

2. The bigger the rush you are in, the more your child walks like he’s wearing cement boots in a vat of molasses.

3. You feel like you’ve become trapped in the movie Memento, as he tells the same story to you time and time again, always with vigor. You’ve tried to perfect the art of inserting “uh huhs” at the right time but you know (and he knows) you’re not quite there.

4. You are forced to listen to pop music ad nauseum, as Katy Perry is his “fravorite” singer.

5. You’ve decided whomever dubbed them the “terrible twos” is either dumb or has never had a three-year-old.

6. Where you once nibbled on his toes and body parts with abandon, you now wish he wore plastic wrap over his whole body. You’ve seen where he puts things, and it isn’t pretty. You hold hands but cringe knowing he considers booger picking an Olympic sport.

7. After a day with him, you find your new mantra is “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.”

8. Sometimes your only goal for the day is to get him through parking lots without dying. He walks through them like one of the patients who have just escaped catatonia in the movie Awakenings. His mouth is agape and he zigzags like he’s trying to escape an alligator. You only narrowly escape your goal.

9. He will never remember to put his yogurt wrapper in the garbage but will never, EVER forget the ONE time you ran a red light. Let it go, Dude!

10. He’s never tired until … zzzzzzz …

11. He could care less what you dress him in, which you take advantage of far too often.

12. Put any same-sized human next to him, and they are instantly friends.

13. Finding two matching shoes is more difficult than solving the Pythagorean theorem. Same goes for socks.

14. You do not want to sit too close, as the insults about blemishes, yellow teeth, nose hairs, etc., will crush your soul.

15. Although you could have sworn you just cut them, his toenails will always look like those of Howard Hughes.

16. He’ll eat fruit like it’s crack but any veggies get a “What’s dis?”

17. He’s a major conservationist, as he not only lets the yellow mellow but he also doesn’t flush the brown down.

18. Talk of any vulgar bodily function will send him into a fit of laughter that you think could kill him.

19. He is a terror at home but his preschool teacher and babysitter report he is nothing but an angel. Figures.

20. Despite any of the bad stuff goes with it, you wish so badly you could create a machine that freezes him at this age, as he is bursting with cuteness.

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  1. 1

    Love says

    Pure perfection. Every word. In addition to #20, I’d add that I wish there were a camera crew here 24/7 to record his antics. Even in the midst of being a holy terror, that cute little lispy way three year olds talk has got to be the most adorable thing ever. And he can NOT stop kissing and hugging and throwing “I love you’s” around like they were made of gold. I don’t know exactly when they grow out of that, but I hope it’s not for at least 50 years. By the way, where ARE all the missing mates to the socks and shoes??? This is worse than the missing spoons debacle!

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  2. 2

    Mikki says

    I was incredibly lucky with my daughter has a 3 year old, but 4? Whines, cries, and attitude. I can imagine this list will come in very handy for my sister, however, when my nephew turns 3. He is a force to be reckoned with! Great list!

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  3. 4

    Kristine says

    #11—–eh, not quite for me…..my 3 year old girl dictates on some days what she wears. It’s not worth the fight. She’s worn many a pajama bottom with princess shoes and a tiara…out in public. It’s a girl thing.

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  4. 17

    says

    My son is almost 3, so I can’t say for *sure*, but he doesn’t do almost any of these. He is very stubborn and impatient, though. I also teach pre-k, so I can tell you from experience that 4 year olds are a DREAM compared to 2 almost 3 year olds. Guess it mostly depends on parents/kids.

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