Trust Us, You Are Going To Want These Essential Oils In Your Life

I have a thing for essential oils. I mean, have you ever drizzled Wild Orange on pineapple and raspberries? Do you love how your essential oil diffuser makes visitors think you have your shit together? And holy hell, doesn’t a lavender bath make you feel like a new woman?

Whether you consider yourself a junkie or not, you probably know someone who is. Maybe you’ve had a run in with someone selling them and got roped into attending a party where you learned they could cure everything from a low sex drive to strep throat (please go to the doctor if you think you have strep throat, for fuck’s sake).

You probably got a little too excited and ordered a bunch and imaged yourself feeling all Zen-like and shit. Maybe you got addicted and decided to go on an “oily journey” like everyone else on Instagram.

Or perhaps they are sitting in your bottom drawer with that food scale you never use. People’s essential oil use is either on steroids or they couldn’t care less about them — there is no in between. Until now.

Because even if you don’t mop your floors with Lemongrass or rub Frankincense on your face to keep the wrinkles away, you may change your mind when you see how the company, Frankie and Myrrh has marketed their magical mood-enhancers. Because with a slogan like “aromatherapy made fun,” why the hell not?

What started out as a trying to find “an alternative for readily-available coping mechanisms like Valium and whiskey” the company’s founder decided to try making her own essential oil blends and realized when she gave them “funny/stupid nicknames” they started selling like hotcakes.

With a name like, Spray The Bitch Away, I’m going to need two please — one for me when I’m feeling less like June Cleaver and more like Peg Bundy, and one to use on other Bitches who cross my path. If you cut in front of me at McDonald’s or in the carpool line, you get a spray. If my kids are going to talk back to me after I ask them to finish their damn chores, I’ll whip it out so fast they won’t know what hit them. This mixture of floral scents is sure to keep your PMS under control as well as any other assholes you meet. You will feel like a fairy god mother with her magic wand.

I mean, how could you not want to inhale Bazooka bubble gum? Bubble Whammy “Takes you back to a time before bills.” As soon as you smell the nostalgic scent you are going to be grabbing for your roller-skates after you throw your hair into a high ponytail and forget you have any responsibilities whatsoever.

If you are constantly running around in a frantic state and are concerned with everyone else’s well-being besides your own, Hottie By Nature will set you straight. This is Frankie & Myrrh’s best-seller, and the combination of Citrus, Vanilla, and Lavender will may make you so elated you will give zero fucks — they claim it “makes all your worries melt away like a Creamsicle on a hot Summer’s day.” I’ll take two of these as well.

Feeling a little cool around your engine and need some juice to get things back in working order? Give yourself a spritz with That’s Amore. The blend of Vanilla, Lavender, Patchouli and Ylang Ylang will leave you thirsty for a night (or afternoon) of riding the flagpole. Or something.

We could all use a dose a Fight Foot Funk. This blend contains Tea Tree, Lemongrass, Peppermint, and Lavender. It’s supposed to leave your feet smelling like Lemon Drop candies and rids your footsies of “fungus, foulness and toe jam.” I can only hope it’s true, you should smell my 14-year-old’s feet.

So load up your cart and wait with bated breath for your order to arrive — there is power in carrying something in your purse labeled Keep The Bitch Away.