You’re Probably Not A Mother If…



1. You post “TGIF!” on your Facebook page and have big plans for the weekend.

2. You cut yourself a piece of chocolate cake, sit down at the table, and eat it like a civilized person.

3. You reach into your purse and pull out what you intended to, on the first try.

4. You pity people who drive minivans.

5. You sleep past 7:30 AM on a Saturday.

6. You shut the bathroom door and it remains closed for the duration of your visit.

7. You can properly identify the crud on your jeans.

8. And it bothers you.

9. You’ve never had a stimulating conversation about poop.

10. You like your coffee hot, and actually drink it that way.

11. You don’t automatically clench your legs when you pee.

12. You expect people to make a fuss over your birthday.

13. You’ve never cleaned the house from top to bottom with nothing but a box of baby wipes.

14. You’ve fully caught up with your close friends via phone calls.

15. Going to the grocery store alone on a Saturday night sounds pathetic.

16. You get a paper cut and use a plain, flesh covered Band-Aid to cover it.

17. You assume that rogue raisin on the floor is actually a raisin.

18. The goal of your shower is relaxation rather than cleanliness.

19. The radio station is set to music you like listening to.

20. You take a sick day because you’re actually sick.

21. You don’t think twice about purchasing new clothes or accessories for yourself.

22. You can make it out of Target with less than ten items.

23. You come back from vacations feeling rejuvenated.

24. You complain about your mother wanting to see you too much.

25. You roll your eyes at other parents and utter the words “I’d never…”


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  1. Christina says

    I am definitely a mom then! Every one of those made me laugh and sent me on a trip down memory lane…back when I thought being “exhausted” was working a full time job and going home to make dinner…Ahhhh…the days of a full nights sleep.

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  2. Tina B says

    Out of 25 I can identify with at least 23 of them. Just missing the minivan one and cleaning the house with babywipes. I buy Clorox wipes in bulk at Costco and thank god for them!! I remember back in my pre-baby days thinking “Why would anyone waste money on disposable cleaning wipes, Swiffer dusters and Swiffer mop pads, and throw away toilet brushes?” Then I became a mom. Now I realize it is money well spent!!

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  3. Buffy says

    #1!!!!!! Especially if you’re a SAHM, you’re more like TGIM! Oh, and definitely #6 and #18. You know my son (at 4 yrs old) learned how to pick the lock on the bathroom door…and then taught his siblings. FML

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