Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
1. You post “TGIF!” on your Facebook page and have big plans for the weekend.
2. You cut yourself a piece of chocolate cake, sit down at the table, and eat it like a civilized person.
3. You reach into your purse and pull out what you intended to, on the first try.
4. You pity people who drive minivans.
5. You sleep past 7:30 AM on a Saturday.
6. You shut the bathroom door and it remains closed for the duration of your visit.
7. You can properly identify the crud on your jeans.
8. And it bothers you.
9. You’ve never had a stimulating conversation about poop.
10. You like your coffee hot, and actually drink it that way.
11. You don’t automatically clench your legs when you pee.
12. You expect people to make a fuss over your birthday.
13. You’ve never cleaned the house from top to bottom with nothing but a box of baby wipes.
14. You’ve fully caught up with your close friends via phone calls.
15. Going to the grocery store alone on a Saturday night sounds pathetic.
16. You get a paper cut and use a plain, flesh covered Band-Aid to cover it.
17. You assume that rogue raisin on the floor is actually a raisin.
18. The goal of your shower is relaxation rather than cleanliness.
19. The radio station is set to music you like listening to.
20. You take a sick day because you’re actually sick.
21. You don’t think twice about purchasing new clothes or accessories for yourself.
22. You can make it out of Target with less than ten items.
23. You come back from vacations feeling rejuvinated.
24. You complain about your mother wanting to see you too much.
25. You roll your eyes at other parents and utter the words “I’d never…”
{ 108 comments… read them below or add one }
Soooooooo true!!!!!
I am definitely a mom then! Every one of those made me laugh and sent me on a trip down memory lane…back when I thought being “exhausted” was working a full time job and going home to make dinner…Ahhhh…the days of a full nights sleep.
Yep yep yep yep….
jeannine recently posted..From The Kitchen: No Bake Healthy(ish) Cookie Balls
Yep….with 4 kids…it’s totally me. :)
So true! God, we were so naive before we had kids, weren’t we?
TGIF, indeed. Yep, definitely not a mother! And for the record, I love my minivan.
I love my minivan too! Doors open and close themselves! Who couldn’t love that?
I’m a mom!!! Exhausted but super happy!
Out of 25 I can identify with at least 23 of them. Just missing the minivan one and cleaning the house with babywipes. I buy Clorox wipes in bulk at Costco and thank god for them!! I remember back in my pre-baby days thinking “Why would anyone waste money on disposable cleaning wipes, Swiffer dusters and Swiffer mop pads, and throw away toilet brushes?” Then I became a mom. Now I realize it is money well spent!!
#1!!!!!! Especially if you’re a SAHM, you’re more like TGIM! Oh, and definitely #6 and #18. You know my son (at 4 yrs old) learned how to pick the lock on the bathroom door…and then taught his siblings. FML
TGIM!!! I love it!! So true when you’re a mom of school age kids!!! I hate Fridays & Saturdays because of dance class, football practice, and games. Then all Sunday means is 8 loads of laundry! So fun. Lol
So glad I’m not the only one screaming TGIM… I tell people all the time that monday is my favorite day of the week because it means I get at least 5 minutes of silence! :)
Yes, Monday is the best day of the week. I so look forward to it. :)
Mercy recently posted..Move Progress Update
LOL @ picking locks.
(until it happens to me… mine is only 10 months, and I am still enjoying having just the one)
Evalynn Rose recently posted..I like it when….
Those are all so scarily true.
I can SO identify with most of these! I probably would have scoffed and rolled my eyes at most of them pre-kids
Kat recently posted..My two loves: internet and reading
Oh how I dread school vacations!!!
Heather @ Kraus House Mom recently posted..Why Do I Go Red?
I love #17 about the rogue raisin! Been there done that.
As a single working mom who’s coworkers are actually more Obnoxious and immature than my 4 & 5 year old I do say TGIF. But aside from that absolutely.
My kids are now older and I thought I could finally pee by myself for a change. Could someone tell the dogs, cats and my husband it’s ok I can do this by myself now. FML they never let you go by yourself.
Haha same here! Even if i pee in the middle of the night when my son is in bed i still end up with the cat or my bf in there…and we have TWO bathrooms! Its like they all made a pact that i can’t be trusted to go alone or something.
My daughter is finally letting me go to the bathroom without interrupting but when the hubby is home he stands at the door like a total creeper. And I am sure my dogs know that’s where I go to fart and god forbid they aren’t there to smell it.
Omg lmbo!!!
#6… boy can I relate to that one. In fact when I get up at four or five in the morning to pee and there’s not a family convention going on in the bathroom at the same time, I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.
#9… You should add. Or a stimulating conversation covered in poop. or a stimulating conversation about poop, while covered in poop.
#25… I admit I was once that person. I thought I’d never let my kids run around with dirty faces. Now dirty faces is one of those “I wish that was the only problem” things. Who the hell cares what’s on their faces, as they are playing with the toilet, the plunger, the toilet brush, getting into the trash, pulling everything out of cabinets and drawers… etc…
I freaking LOVEEEEE this!! So true! Makes me want all my childless friends want to have kids so they can eat their damn words of “I’d never and my child would never do that or this!”
Yea ok, keep living in lala land!!!
Going to the grocery store alone on a Saturday night sounds HEAVENLY!!!
Especially now that a lot of them have little coffee shops in them…
To husband: yes it took me 2 hours to get groceries, ok? It was a madhouse. In fact, I think I need my feet rubbed because it was such a stressful experience.
Evalynn Rose recently posted..I like it when….
Going to the grocery store any day or time alone sounds like heaven to me i have a 2 yr old and a 5 wk old so my 5 wk old has to stay home with daddy if i do a normal size grocery run cause the car seat bucket is in the basket.
YES! Going to the grocery store alone on a Saturday night sounds WONDERFUL. And baby wipes are magical, aren’t they? In fact, I should probably head out to the store for some tonight…
Stephanie recently posted..Am I Really Enough?
I once found a rogue raisin into hair….it was very squishy and had helped form a lovely dreadlock. The real problem was that I had no idea how long it had been there because I couldn’t remember the last time I had a chance to wash my hair!
Summer recently posted..You Say You Want the Truth but can You Handle it?
Oh…and my birthday? Do I actually still have those???
I miss sleeping
And peeing alone.
26. You hear a child crying and are worried for them because you can’t tell whether its a fake cry or not.
I must be one lucky mama, I am a mom and do a lot of those things. Drinking my coffee as we speak!
Beth, how many children do you have, and how old are they? That may be why you can still do so many of these things.
Me too Beth & I have four & pregnant with number five. My kids are 6,4,2yrs & the baby is an 11month old nursling. I also homeschool them, so they don’t go anywhere. Not that I’d dream of sending them away.
My husband got on me many yrs ago about these things. He then started to teach me & to teach the kids to respect that I have to eat too. I have really bad hypermises from 7weeks until one or two weeks after giving birth. I’m on zofran but I still have to eat every two hrs or I get crazy nauseated. Once I start throwing up, I cant stop, end up with an I.V. My oldest two are always asking me if I’ve eaten & trying to help me in anyway they can. Sometimes I have to eat while laying until the medication kicks in & they play with the babies for 30-45 minutes until I’m able to get up.
I used to think I was doomed but a lot really is about just teaching kids that we’re human. The earlier we start the better and faster they grasp it.
Also to the original post I listen to what I want. My kids enjoy my music and have no idea who bieber or any of the other bands, singers are.
And “take a sick day because you’re actually sick”…..hahahaha, snort! Not if you’re a SAHM or a homeschool mom. Even when you’re sick taking care of your kids is not something you can pawn off.
Natalia, I can relate. I am homeschooling 4 kids and had severe hyperemesis too. In my fourth pregnancy; I discovered that taking Vitamin B-6/Folic Acid/B-12 supplement sublingually helped me more than my prescription.
I had hyperemesis too with my 1st. Lived on Zofran and vitamin b shots. I know exactly what you mean about not stopping throwing up!
Oh that whole peeing in peace…ya right between a toddler and animals its a circus in the bathroom!
These are hilarious. I don’t identify with all of them….but definitely enough of them to insure myself that, yes, I definitely am a Mom.
I’m not a mom yet, but I’m working on it! ;) But my husband makes fun of me because I love grocery shopping. I can go for a couple hours and it drives him crazy. It is amazing how ignorant we are pre-baby.
Ashley recently posted..The best mashed potatoes you will ever taste
Wow. Do you live in my head? Oh wait, you’re a mom. You get it.
Frugalistablog recently posted..Reason to Live Friday #31- Stuff the Boy says
Ahhh GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY. Karma’s such a heartless bitch.
This post reminds me, I need to take a shower. I can smell myself.
Kristen Mae recently posted..You CAN Meet Your Spouse in a Bar: My Ten Year Wedding Anniversary
TGIM. I love Monday’s!
Haha, yes… all very true. I was just thinking last night that the word “weekend” meant nothing to me since in the morning we’d be waking up to do the exact same thing over again (with my 3 month old). The toddler however, makes me say TGIT (Tues & Thurs preschool)!
And then there are those of us who wanted to be Moms and have a hard time enjoying these benefits. Except the sleeping in part!
Peace
Shlomit
Exactly what I was thinking! Not so funny for those of us who haven’t been blessed with children…
So true!!
Amanda recently posted..I Took the Boys to an Amazing Theater and They Made Me Feel Really Old
25 reasons why I dont want kids… If you all love them so much, why complain about these issues? You signed up for it.
We’re not complaining. We’re just enjoying the fact that every mom goes through very similar things. Being as you don’t have and don’t want kids, you don’t understand and never will. Btw, why are you reading a mommy blog anyways??
Because one of my friends posted this on facebook so I was curious to see what it’d say.
Really? Seriously? Isn’t there a “i’m going to die alone and sad” blog somewhere you should be identifying with?
Isn’t there an ignorant, judgmental blog for people with superiority complexes you should be identifying with?
Not that you would believe me, but CF people don’t die along and sad. We die happy, loved and free. Knowing we lived our lives the way we wanted to with our spouses.
Oh? You thought CF people don’t get married because no one would love us? Well, surprise, that’s not true.
I recommend you also visit a blog for people who can’t see past their own noses too, after you’re done with the aforementioned ignoramus’s blog. Or maybe those are just the same thing.
Oh how cute, you have a label. “CF”. Good luck to you!
Not complaining; just simply pointing out the differences between people with kids & people without kids. Even if we do complain from time to time we have earned it, because yes we did sign up for it, but kids are hard work. “…if you all love them so much..” there is no “if” about it…
I was wondering where the trolls were!
robyn recently posted..Gummy Hearts
It’s okay to feel that way, not everyone is cut out to be a super mum like the rest of us.
It’s okay to feel that way, not everyone is cut out to be a super mum like the rest of us.
I don’t know that it’s complaining so much as for the comic relief. Life changes when you have kids in so many ways… and even if you think you can see them coming, you can’t. You don’t understand until you go through it. Also? Could never have imagined the feeling of love and protectiveness for my little girl. I thought I’d like having kids because I always enjoyed babysitting, but it’s so much more than that…. the way I feel about my own baby.
However, I can still appreciate and enjoy the past 3 months where I’ve been able to go to the bathroom by myself. When she gets too big for her pack n play… I’m sure it will be back to party potty time. It strikes me as funny that so many moms have the same experience because in the moment you’re like… this is kind of strange having two small eyes watch me go to the bathroom, am I doing this wrong?
Evalynn Rose recently posted..I like it when….
You sound like a real peach.
My girlfriend is about to adopt twins and she is going through a bit of culture shock, which is a mild way of putting it. My girlfriends and I are finding it funny that her incredibly organized world is being dumped upside down and she is realizing what the rest of us are dealing with on a daily basis. She is always calling us asking “Is this normal for…” And the resounding answer is always “Yes!” Life will never be the same and I am so happy for her. Soon she will be carrying those wipes and a package of crayons in her purse too. And the wallet? I’m sure she’ll find room for it in there somewhere.
Stephanie N recently posted..Review & Giveaway: Proof of Guilt by Charles Todd
Aww… Your friend is really lucky to have you girls! (And lucky to have twins, too!)
I am a mother of an 8 year old and a 10 year old and I look forward to the weekend. They sleep in like I do and if they do get up before me they fix their own breakfast and watch TV and I don’t have to worry about them getting into things.
But the rest, yea totally ;)
LOL!!!!! Soooo sad. . . and sooooo true!
Shannon recently posted..Why would He do this to me?
What a great post for Saturday morning! Yep- I can relate to most of these… LOL
You hate Mondays, (assuming the reader has school aged kids where Friday is our Monday, and Mondays are heaven.)
Seeing a school bus doesn’t make your heart skip a beat with joy.
I love these so much. I think baby wipes are the best way to clean!!
Mom Off Meth recently posted..I am kind of an asshole myself.
True. Though the rogue ‘raisins on my floor are rabbit turds
Truer words were never spoken. Love it and can totally relate!
I really enjoy working 9 hour days and shipping my kid off to daycare LOL It means on my weekday off, I CAN do a whole lot of things without interruption.
Like go to an R rated movie. Alone. And not being fleeced by the babysitter.
Like pee. Alone.
And, go to Target. Alone. All that shit in my cart is my own fault haaaa
Cheers,
Caryl
Yup, I’m a mother…
I fully blame motherhood for my chronic constipation.
This list is ENTIRELY true. And made me laugh really hard. Which definitely means I am a mother.
MILF Runner recently posted..Friday Five: things about me that seem to piss people off…
Excellent list, all so true! Sometimes I get up earlier just to have a hot cup of coffee, but those are the days that the kids decide to wake up even earlier too.
My kids used to do that when they were younger. I’d creep out of bed and try to not disturb the tangle of bodies there, but as soon as the coffee was ready and I had my laptop set up, there would be the kids wanting milk, snack, and “sit you lap”. :)
Mercy recently posted..Move Progress Update
Can someone explain the leg clenching thing to me??
I will never again be without a box of baby wipes in every room in the house. They work for everything : )
yep….baby wipes
Shit….most of those don’t apply to me and I’m not a mom yet!! Do dogs count? I haven’t peed alone and talk about poop every. single. day….and the whole peeing a bit while sneezing may already be a problem. shit. shit. shit.
TBag recently posted..I see padded walls in my future
My fave was the raisin comment. I peeled one off my slipper today and thought, ‘these raisin parties are getting out of control’.
ModernHouseDad recently posted..Makeshift Entertainment: Escalators
I love this post. How anyone can call CF people selfish is beyond me. Calling a CF person selfish implies one thinks parents are selfish martyrs and if that isn’t something to say to get attention – I don’t know what is.
Reasons why some parents are the selfish ones and not CFers: http://www.insufferableintolerance.com/guest-post-mummy-martyrs-at-the-hiking-humanist-and-golden-coathanger/
You’re probably not a mom if you shave both legs –on the same day!
Working moms do say TGIF, because time with our kids is precious.
Ellen recently posted..Mrs. English Bottoms Out on the Race to the Top
You are so right! I work full time and the time I get on the weekends with my daughter is the highlight of my week!
I’m fairly certain #11 should say “sneeze” and not “pee”. (Or maybe that’s just my experience.). :)
Yes to all of these! I was actually shooting covetous glances at a minivan the other day. And today, my son pointed to something on my pants and I said, “Yeah, you probably wiped your face on my pants; it’s no big deal.”
My elder 2 are only in KG and PS but I so look forward to school days just to have a few hours of no fighting. Of course this means my toddler sticks to me like glue since she doesn’t have anyone to play with, but hey, life isn’t perfect when you have kids.
Mercy recently posted..Move Progress Update
Less than half of these apply to me and I have 2 kids. Am I not a mother then?
I’m confused. I get that this is supposed to highlight the difference between moms and non moms…. but it seems irrelevent?? I am not a mom and most of these are foreign concepts… Sick day? Whats that? Privacy? Sleeping in? VACATION???? If this is how care free the lives of childless people are, God, do I know the wrong crowd! This may shock you…. (try not to spill your cold coffee when I tell you this) but child-less/child-free people can and do have full, busy, stressful, even hectic lives, brimming over with burdens, and responsibilities. Gasp. Now since Im not a mom and apparently have all this free time, and disposable income just layig around, where do I sign up for those vacations and thoughtless clothing splurges???
Oh, and by the way. I know several women who are moms and can do all these things, civilized chocolate cake and all. So word to the wise: just because you don’t know how to handle your life, don’t assume every other mother can’t either :)
I’m not a mom and I do have a lot of free time. Way more than my sister who has kids. I think the difference is in priorities. As a mom, you kind of have to make your kids your priority because if you don’t, they grow up to be little douchebags. As a non-mom, you can prioritize your life a little differently. If you make work a priority, of course you’re not going to have a lot of free time. If you make quality time with your hubby and time for your hobbies a priority, you might not make as much money in a highly paid stressful job, but that’s the tradeoff.
Like you, I know mothers whose homes are clean, who wear nice clothing, who eat family dinners at a table, etc. Priorities.
If you don’t want crap on your pants, wipe it off. Don’t tell me you just don’t have the time. At least 80 of you had time to read this article and comment. Maybe a little less web surfing and complaining and a little more prioritizing?? Maybe you like things messy just so you can complain about it? That’s it, isn’t it? You have to make it look difficult so you can feel like it’s all worth it…
Sandy,
That’s not entirely fair to mothers, although I do agree with what you said about CF people. Choosing priorities means having to say no to certain things that I still value. I might want a clean house, but I choose quality time with my kids instead. We can’t do it all well, so some things we’ve learned to have to let go.
Haha. It’s cute that you think you ‘get it.’
Stephanie Heather recently posted..Today I’m a Guest Blogger!
Showers for relaxation? Music I like? Raisins? We parents are all in the same boat here :-)
Marc recently posted..Wir lernen zeichnen (3)
Oh so much of this!!! Are you kidding? I’m the mom who has a whole bag of M&M’s hidden under my pillows, INSIDE the pillowcase so they can’t accidentally fall out and make me have to share!! That may be horrible, but I don’t fricking care. :p
It has been a lot of fun to be a MOM…the only thing I wanted to be growing up. I’ve had the wipes, colored pens and pencils in my over-sized bag for years. This is your opportunity to change the world.
And, by the way, I raised my children, and helped them raise theirs and now I have 2 beautiful, smart, full of the beans, great-granddaughters. Truely, the best is yet to come.
Not a mom and I LOVE it. I sleep in until 7:45 on weekdays, my house is spotless, my meals don’t include mac and cheese, and my vacations don’t involve life-size cartoon characters. I do give you moms kudos, though, especially non-Canadian ones who only get a hiccup of a mat leave to recuperate and bond with your babies. Do all of us non-Moms a big favor and please teach your kids to read and write before they text.
Sandy –
I AM a mom.
I still sleep until 8 on weekdays, 11am on weekends. I would die before taking my kids to Disneyland, and our meals are home cooked and gourmet, usually raw vegan. (not saying you should be a mom, just showing you how ludicrous this list is)
And moms, I do not remember growing up and having my parents play kiddie music. I play my own music. Life does not revolve around kids – or at least it didn’t use to.
My husband and I think the same regarding life revolving around children. It seems a bit ridiculous these days and then people wonder why kids are so demanding. My parents played ABBA and The Beatles when I was little. There was no Elmo. I had to pick up my toys when I was finished playing with them. I had chores. My parents didn’t haul a suitcase of entertainment around with them for me to keep me quiet in the car (back in those days, cars had windows and you looked out and that’s what you did for an 8+ hour roadtrip).
In any case, you sound like the sort of mother I would want to be with the exception of raw vegan meals. I like red meat, but I do eat it almost raw, so that’s kind of the same.
Wow. I’m a mom and all of this sounds pretty foreign to me. I still go out on the weekends and I definitely don’t relate to most of those statements. Although, I often have crap on my clothes that is usually snot, dirt, or sticky. I try my best not to judge other parents, but I view this list as a thinly-veiled “it’s so hard being a mom” pity party. It definitely comes off as judgemental towards parents that choose to keep their friends, life, and sanity. I’m willing to bet right now you’re saying “I’d never…” about me.
No kidding. I’m not a mother but on the flip side I can relate with the majority of this list. My post below says how I felt, which summed up is that I am getting tired of relating to most things that moms relate to, but being treated like I can’t understand them because I haven’t bore my own children (infertility). I have had a strongly hand in raising over 20 children in my community. It just gets old. But, if I would just follow the advice of the person who replied to my post, I wouldn’t have a problem. I should just stay off the mommy blogs :D
Yay! Another article to remind me I’m naive & not as much of a ‘normal’ human being because I haven’t pushed any newborns from my loins. I can relate with 99% of these things as a person who is around kids & cares for them on a daily basis. I just get so OVER people acting like I can’t ‘know true love’ or the real ‘reason to live’ because I am infertile. Sorry for the rant…but dislike that folks have to separate themselves in the ‘married’ club then the ‘mommy’ club.
Um…you are on a mommy blog, its clearly labeled in the name. If you don’t want to read about mommy stuff don’t hang out on mommy blogs.
courtney recently posted..Labor Eviction…I mean Induction
Yes. Excellent point. Bravo. I
#2 – as opposed to hiding in the pantry and selfishly devouring it it two bites at a time with a fork that just hangs out in the pan.
courtney recently posted..Labor Eviction…I mean Induction
Thanks for making me laugh.
I am not a mom so yes, this list makes perfect sense to me…in reverse order! Makes me more thankful for my child-free-ness.
I’m pretty sure I’ve never read one of these lists where I could relate to EVERY SINGLE ITEM ON THE LIST. This is a first. Funny how giddy I am to be in a club that “owns” all this same baggage.
Jenny recently posted..Parenthood: Where Dreamers Get Schooled
Not sure why a mom WOULDN’T say TGIF – I sure do!
Funny but sooo true!
Charity Deleon recently posted..A new name!
I’m not a mother. Trust me, it’s better that way. Anyway, I’m deep into contemplation about crud on my jeans. Do I have any? If so, do I know what it is? I’ll have to pay closer attention.
That said, crud on my jeans while shopping for shoes or a bag, I wouldn’t give a shit.
June O’Hara recently posted..I Wouldn’t Kick Obama Out of Bed
OMG!! (I just started using that term). My daughter is pregnant and due (finally) this week. I am soooo glad I found your site!!! I think everything on this page fits and I can’t wait to rub it in. She is NOT a mom this week so she won’t get it yet, but NEXT week…. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you!!
BTW: Nobody laughed when I used to tell them I was pushing a dead baby in the carriage… They asked if the baby was asleep… Really????