You’re Probably Not A Mother If…



1. You post “TGIF!” on your Facebook page and have big plans for the weekend.

2. You cut yourself a piece of chocolate cake, sit down at the table, and eat it like a civilized person.

3. You reach into your purse and pull out what you intended to, on the first try.

4. You pity people who drive minivans.

5. You sleep past 7:30 AM on a Saturday.

6. You shut the bathroom door and it remains closed for the duration of your visit.

7. You can properly identify the crud on your jeans.

8. And it bothers you.

9. You’ve never had a stimulating conversation about poop.

10. You like your coffee hot, and actually drink it that way.

11. You don’t automatically clench your legs when you pee.

12. You expect people to make a fuss over your birthday.

13. You’ve never cleaned the house from top to bottom with nothing but a box of baby wipes.

14. You’ve fully caught up with your close friends via phone calls.

15. Going to the grocery store alone on a Saturday night sounds pathetic.

16. You get a paper cut and use a plain, flesh covered Band-Aid to cover it.

17. You assume that rogue raisin on the floor is actually a raisin.

18. The goal of your shower is relaxation rather than cleanliness.

19. The radio station is set to music you like listening to.

20. You take a sick day because you’re actually sick.

21. You don’t think twice about purchasing new clothes or accessories for yourself.

22. You can make it out of Target with less than ten items.

23. You come back from vacations feeling rejuvenated.

24. You complain about your mother wanting to see you too much.

25. You roll your eyes at other parents and utter the words “I’d never…”


The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 2

    Christina says

    I am definitely a mom then! Every one of those made me laugh and sent me on a trip down memory lane…back when I thought being “exhausted” was working a full time job and going home to make dinner…Ahhhh…the days of a full nights sleep.

    Show Replies
  2. 9

    Tina B says

    Out of 25 I can identify with at least 23 of them. Just missing the minivan one and cleaning the house with babywipes. I buy Clorox wipes in bulk at Costco and thank god for them!! I remember back in my pre-baby days thinking “Why would anyone waste money on disposable cleaning wipes, Swiffer dusters and Swiffer mop pads, and throw away toilet brushes?” Then I became a mom. Now I realize it is money well spent!!

    Show Replies
  3. 10

    Buffy says

    #1!!!!!! Especially if you’re a SAHM, you’re more like TGIM! Oh, and definitely #6 and #18. You know my son (at 4 yrs old) learned how to pick the lock on the bathroom door…and then taught his siblings. FML

    Show Replies
  4. 20

    youdidwhat says

    My kids are now older and I thought I could finally pee by myself for a change. Could someone tell the dogs, cats and my husband it’s ok I can do this by myself now. FML they never let you go by yourself.

    Show Replies
    • 21

      MomMom says

      Haha same here! Even if i pee in the middle of the night when my son is in bed i still end up with the cat or my bf in there…and we have TWO bathrooms! Its like they all made a pact that i can’t be trusted to go alone or something.

      Show Replies
    • 22

      Lisa Byington says

      My daughter is finally letting me go to the bathroom without interrupting but when the hubby is home he stands at the door like a total creeper. And I am sure my dogs know that’s where I go to fart and god forbid they aren’t there to smell it.

      Show Replies
  5. 24

    Angela says

    #6… boy can I relate to that one. In fact when I get up at four or five in the morning to pee and there’s not a family convention going on in the bathroom at the same time, I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.

    #9… You should add. Or a stimulating conversation covered in poop. or a stimulating conversation about poop, while covered in poop.

    #25… I admit I was once that person. I thought I’d never let my kids run around with dirty faces. Now dirty faces is one of those “I wish that was the only problem” things. Who the hell cares what’s on their faces, as they are playing with the toilet, the plunger, the toilet brush, getting into the trash, pulling everything out of cabinets and drawers… etc…

    Show Replies
  6. 25

    Erin Marcus says

    I freaking LOVEEEEE this!! So true! Makes me want all my childless friends want to have kids so they can eat their damn words of “I’d never and my child would never do that or this!”
    Yea ok, keep living in lala land!!!

    Show Replies
    • 27

      Evalynn Rose says

      Especially now that a lot of them have little coffee shops in them…

      To husband: yes it took me 2 hours to get groceries, ok? It was a madhouse. In fact, I think I need my feet rubbed because it was such a stressful experience.

      Show Replies
    • 28

      christina says

      Going to the grocery store any day or time alone sounds like heaven to me i have a 2 yr old and a 5 wk old so my 5 wk old has to stay home with daddy if i do a normal size grocery run cause the car seat bucket is in the basket.

      Show Replies
  7. 29

    Stephanie says

    YES! Going to the grocery store alone on a Saturday night sounds WONDERFUL. And baby wipes are magical, aren’t they? In fact, I should probably head out to the store for some tonight…

    Show Replies
  8. 30

    Summer says

    I once found a rogue raisin into hair….it was very squishy and had helped form a lovely dreadlock. The real problem was that I had no idea how long it had been there because I couldn’t remember the last time I had a chance to wash my hair!

    Show Replies

Load More Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>