10 Things I Said My Children Would Never Do

The people who can raise a perfectly well behaved child are those people who don’t have any children. You know who these people are because they don’t have dried pudding on their jeans. There wasn’t a toddler close enough to quietly put a booger in their hair while they struggled to adjust the cart seat strap.

The people who can raise a perfectly well behaved child are those people who don’t have any children. You know who these people are because they don’t have dried pudding on their jeans. There wasn’t a toddler close enough to quietly put a booger in their hair while they struggled to adjust the cart seat strap.

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Before I had kids, I was also an expert on raising children. Here are some of my “expert declarations” and a brief rundown of my “actual” findings…

1. My kids will never behave that way in public. By “behave,” I meant they’d never throw tantrums in the store. Those hysterical fits that sound like they’re being chased down the cereal aisle by an actual shark. When tantrums actually happen in public, I react the way anyone in my situation would. I ask random people if these are their kids. Or, I’ll whisper to the people next to me: “I’m the nanny.” Occasionally I compliment my children on their form as they thrash and contort their body in ways that defy both human biology and physics.

2. I will never leave the house looking like that. Oh, but I do. It’s not that I don’t care about how I look. I mean, mostly I don’t really care how I look, but a lot of times I actually forget to do things like brush my hair or put on makeup or brush my teeth. I have, however, never forgotten pants. You’re welcome.

3. My kids will not eat crappy food. My toddlers are picky. So, getting them to eat anything that isn’t a sticker or a crayon is a small victory. If they pass on green beans and carrots and choose to inhale chicken nuggets or pepperoni, it’s an amen-arm raising-hallelujah-kind of moment. I always toss in a gummy vitamin twice a day, this is how I live without guilt.

4. My house will never look like that. My house looks like a Build-A-Bear Workshop exploded in it. There are stuffed animals, clothes and toy parts scattered everywhere. I’ve learned that cleaning up after kids while they’re awake is like trying to clean up splattered food from an open blender, that’s still running. It’s exhausting. The only way my house will ever be clean is if it spontaneously combusts.

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5. I will never be late anywhere. The slowest my children ever move is when we have to go anywhere that has a start time. On any given day, my kids burn around the house like their pants are on fire. They move with the energy of 80 toddlers, breaking the sound barrier as they circle the dining room table for the billionth time. The second I have to be anywhere, time goes backwards. It turns into negative time. That’s how long it takes them to get to me. -15 minutes. Don’t get me started on putting coats and shoes on. Let’s just say that no one can put their arm through the coat holes when they’re too busy trying to put their shoes on their ears.

6. I will never negotiate with my children. Negotiation is a powerful tool. It gives my children the chance to exercise decision making. Thus pushing them towards successful independence. Just kidding. It gives me my way. For example, if little Susie wants ice cream, she has to eat three more chicken nuggets. If she doesn’t eat them, everyone else at the table gets ice cream. Raising a child is like a business. It’s all about incentives. Okay, maybe it sounds more like bribing. To-may-toe. To-mah-toe.

7. I will not allow my children to watch TV. During winters such as these, when your family is one snowflake away from mumbling themselves into full-fledged cabin fever, TV is a sanctuary. A magical box that emits irresistible sounds and colors that buy me at least 15 minutes of motionless activity. Where I can resume banging my head against the wall without interruption.

8. I will never get annoyed by my children. Sometimes I initiate a game of hide and seek that I don’t tell anyone else about. Then, I’ll hide in places where a 3-year old would never think to look, like inside the dryer. And I eat candy.

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9. I won’t let my kids stop me from traveling. Taking a trip to Target requires more items than settlers needed for the westward expansion. If our forefathers had mostly toddlers in tow, they’d have made it as far as Ohio before one of them realized they left a toy behind. After the meltdown was over, everyone would mutually agree that Ohio was “west” enough. We do travel now that we have kids, but I’m not up for discussing our experiences. I’m still trying to sort it all out in therapy.

10. My kids will listen to me. I honestly believe that early childhood development doesn’t include the ability to listen. Hear, yes. Listen, no. For whatever reason, no one hears me until I’m in full blown auctioneer mode, rattling words off at 115 decibels. By the time anyone in my house responds, I’ve sold a sheep and four tractors at a farm auction six counties away.

There’s nothing more humbling than becoming a parent. There’s no experience in life that challenges your character, patience and endurance like raising children. Well, maybe surviving the Alaskan wilderness in the winter after being chased by a pack of ravenous wolves is more challenging. Hopefully those wolves were chasing you at -40 miles per hour and mostly kept their boogers to themselves.

Related: The Top 10 Things Moms Do At Target

About the writer

Christina Antus lives with her husband, three kids, and two cats who still haven't caught the red dot. When she’s not neglecting laundry or avoiding the grocery store, she’s writing and making mediocre meals for her family. You can find her hiding in the closet, eating candy at www.christinaantus.net. You can also follow her on Facebook for dinner recipes and house cleaning tips. Just kidding. It's mostly a lot of nonsense and nothing useful.

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Terri Lively 5 months ago

Hilarious!

alli 10 months ago

I love this! I am karma pay back by definition and it’s so sweet and laughable when their Dad is paid back in kind as well! Poor soul makes plans and he still hasn’t “gotten” it yet when those plans don’t work the way he wants it to! :-)

Debbie Butters 10 months ago

SO funny! Love the part about trying to get out of the house…SO true!!

Kat 10 months ago

My mom taught us to behave when it came to public places. She has 5 of us, it’s not that hard. We started acting the fool, she took us out and sat until we stopped acting up.
Mom and dad always negotiated, because they believe on being fair
and taking trips, see first comment

Heather 10 months ago

So much YES to this whole article! I completely knew how to parent when I had no children. Now I’m a clueless mess making stuff up as I go. Totally made my day.

Nicole Sloan 12 months ago

More power to the parent who thinks their child will never watch tv lol. Even before kids I never said that.

Lourdes Lecour 12 months ago

All of thee above!!! Ha! LMAO!! Auctioneer!!

Melissa Lambertsen Stoltz 12 months ago

#3! Every. Freaking. Day.

Laura Mailman Cabrera 12 months ago

Not brushing teeth? Ewww, never forgotten to do that…

Jessica Sadler 12 months ago

I love you very much but I had to tag you in this Jessica Sadler Smith!!!

Jessica Kamstra 12 months ago

Loved this. So true.

Beth 12 months ago

Loved this! I have 3 girls and 1 on the way which im praying is a boy! Its so easy to sit and judge and say yeah I understand but until you have been thru it or doing it those words are meaningless!

Amy Snowden 12 months ago

Remember Prince Harry stickinng his tongue out in the back of a car with Princess Diana right next to him? I thought that was how the British cleaned their wondows.

Rebecca Stockwell 12 months ago

Hilarious!

Kyla Renee 12 months ago

I said these things too while pregnant and married…. and then I ended up a single mom of two children with ADHD (1 year apart)… plan demolished :(. Lol

Jenna Rose 12 months ago

: LOL. :)

Rachel Schubich 12 months ago

Super guilty of #7 now that my second boy is here and it’s mid winter!

Jade Ford 12 months ago

I’m pretty sure that I always said I don’t like kids not that mine would be well behaved!

Libby Denman 12 months ago
Patrice NJim Wilson 12 months ago

;-D I was AWESOME back then!

Paola Weston-Capuano 12 months ago

#2…..and the crazy thing is when I really look like crap some lovely mom in the school yard tells me how stylish I am in my sweat pants being I an italian trend setter…. love them!

Ashley Mead 12 months ago

I said mine would never eat fast food. Thank you Chick Fila for grilled nuggets and a fast lunch.

Anna Spinato 12 months ago

#9!! Haha

Jennifer Wilson 12 months ago

Hilarious

Bec Harlow 12 months ago

Definitely see myself here!!

Marie Clara MacKenzie Kiraly 12 months ago

EXCACTLY!!

Ana Hughes 12 months ago

Omg #10. I truly believed it. Now? Notsomuch

Jessye Hartman 12 months ago

Yes, just yes….to all of these. Ugh.

Kay Mahoney 12 months ago

I used to tell my 4 kids that I wasn’t Mom anymore; I had changed my name and I would not answer until they guessed what my new name was! Total lie! Just needed some peace!

    Megan Higginson 12 months ago

    My mom used to say that to me! So funny to me now that I have a kid. I remember being young and saying “mom, mom, mom, mom..” And her saying, “oh, sorry, that’s not my name anymore. I changed it..” And I was like, huh?

Jennifer Lynn Baker 12 months ago

Seriously hilarious! I’m so glad I’m not alone!!!!

April Nieto 12 months ago

So… Is it weird that I said those things and followed through?? I have 3 kids about 3 yrs apart and they weren’t allowed to act like that. I always showered, combed my hair, did makeup etc and my babies were always clean and well dressed. I had a strict upbringing and I’m thankful for it. I was also taught that it takes just as much time to look sloppy as it does to be put together.

Adrianne Ward Burney 12 months ago

I was a perfect parent before 1998 (when my daughter was born)!

Stephanie 12 months ago

So spot on it’s scary. I mean every single one of them!

Shannon Lee 12 months ago

The only one I even came to close to managing is the no tantrums in the store. Took two or three times leaving without buying anything, but after that my son behaved in public. We’ll see how well my daughter does in a few years, lol.

A’Leigh Hamner 12 months ago

I am the mom that has broken every last one and I am currently praying a survive the toddler years. My 3 yo daughter is giving me a run for my money.

Jennifer Jones Rombardo 12 months ago

So so true!!! Before kids I had it all figured out. Ha!

Amy Therrien 12 months ago

I love this!

Mel Issa 12 months ago

So funny when non parents say this stuff….

Katie De Oliveira Anderson 12 months ago

Before I said my kid would never watch TV, I feel so stupid now lol

Lynn Marie 12 months ago

Lately I have been looking around my house and laughing at my pre-kid self for thinking I would never have a house covered in toys. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Mel Wat Son 12 months ago

Haha non-parents make the BEST parents. Maybe I should ask them for some tips? Pmsl
PS I have totally said ‘just wait until I tell your mother when we get home’

Furie Chatham 12 months ago

“I’m the nanny”

Nichole Manor 12 months ago

Nice to know I’m not the only rule breaker lol I have broken all of these rules

Micki Horn Gutman 12 months ago

I love this. I remember sitting in a restaurant with my mom and grandma as a teen, watching a toddler have a tantrum while I proceed to tell my family “no child of mine will EVER behave that way” HUGE HUGE mistake. I learned after having my own kids never to open my mouth again. 😉

Lisa Jennette 12 months ago

I actually asked my husband yesterday while we were in Walmart, when did we become those parents, as we let our 3yo eat chicken poppers and chips as we went through the store.

    Kendra Whittier 12 months ago

    That is thee only way I can get my 2 year old to sit in the cart and behave. Thank you walmart for popcorn chicken!

Amanda Porterfield 12 months ago

I’ve said each and every one of these, and broken them all. But on the flip side, I’m a lot less judgey of little kids and parents. Having kids is hard. If I manage to get them to eat and wear a mostly clean shirt, I figure we’re doing okay.

Gemma Cross 12 months ago

Love this!!!! Although I am an OCD tidier and I do tidy up around/after them constantly!!!!

Tiffany Lynn 12 months ago

Thank you for the laugh. Ive said all 10 of them and failed at everyone of them at times

Brandon AndLou Sanguine 12 months ago

My favorite is my toddler wont say No cause I will give them choices …….lol

    Laura Mailman Cabrera 12 months ago

    Choices worked for my son until he turned 3 and then he say “I don’t want any of them!”

Mary Waldron 12 months ago

Thanks we all have those lists. I remember thinking my child will never leave in any out of season inappropriate outfit. Who lets their toddler wear snow boots in July or the Halloween costume in April. That would be me.it made leaving possible. Keep blogging. Peace

Julie Kasik 12 months ago

I think some of the stuff people put to much drama on… Like I still manage to always put my makeup on and brush my teeth but it’s all in how you handle things. I know my House is a mess, but not because I don’t have the time to clean it, but simply just because I don’t care lol. Different strokes for different folks

    Kaitlin Charles 12 months ago

    Yes! And I Also think there is a difference between a messy house and a dirty one.

Mary Earley 12 months ago

I was such a GREAT mom, before I had kids…
Now I’m just hoping I’m an okish one.

KC Pronto 12 months ago

My Mum worked as a nutritionist but we did sometimes get McDonalds and Wendys. I think as long as kids eat it’s a win. Looking back I have zero advice for my parents we were little terrors God bless them!

Alexa Nernberg 12 months ago

Thanks for the chuckles. I will confess, when my children did these things, I was not always chuckling. There were many times, I could have pulled out my hair. There were also times, that I found myself sitting in the attached garage on the step almost in tears. Motherhood is not for the weak!
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Atthasanto 1 year ago

Actually children will disobey if we didn’t tell them correctly. Also, children will imitate what the parent did, not what the parent said. So if we only keep telling them but never give them example how to do it, they will not do it.

Btw, I have a parenting blog. If you like to visit, please open it here:

http://parentingthumb.com

Thank you :)

Jeffrey Pillow @ Wannabe Novelist, Actual Dad 1 year ago

So long as my daughter doesn’t turn out to be an illiterate, meth addicted stripper, I’ll consider my parenting tactics a success.

Your list hits the nail on the head. Nothing is more humbling than becoming the parent of a small caveman.

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