Breast milk: women have been nourishing their young with it since the dawn of time. But guess what? It’s not just for feeding babies anymore. A quick online search reveals that breast milk is actually a multipurpose tool that can be used to cure all manner of ills. Does your baby have an ear infection? Squirt some breast milk in there and it will clear right up. Is your poor child suffering from eczema? This nectar of the gods will help reduce inflammation. Was your husband bitten by a black widow spider in the garage? No need to go to the hospital, just express a little udder cream on there and call it a day.
Modern medicine, be damned! Big pharma doesn’t care about your family; they are just trying to scam you out of money. It’s time to get back to nature and rely on the healing powers of the body, people! So nursing mothers, start bottling your milk and saving it for a rainy day… Or whenever someone in your family gets a deadly insect bite, cuts off a finger, or contracts a potentially fatal disease. Here are nine alternative uses for your mother’s milk, according to Dr. Google.
1. Measles cure. Did you know that breast milk actually kills the measles? This means your breastfed baby (preschooler or seventh grader) is obviously immune. Dr. Google says so, and therefore it must be true. If anyone else in your family develops this potentially fatal disease (which was eliminated in the US fifteen years ago but has made a strong comeback thanks to people who don’t believe in science,) just treat them with a few doses of breast milk. Debilitating public health crises are no match for your feed bags!
2. Skin cream. Does someone in your family have acne, eczema, dry skin, psoriasis, cold sores, warts, hives, rosacea, or herpes? How about a minor burn, paper cut, scraped knee, sliced finger, skin ulcer, other form of open wound, or chapped lips? Did they accidentally lose a toe in an unfortunate construction accident? Ditch those skin creams laden with harmful carcinogens, and start pumping.
3. Insect bite treatment. If you live in a woodsy area and are constantly plagued by pesky mosquitoes and black flies during the warmer months of the year, not to worry! The cure for all insect bites lies within your lovely lady lumps. This sterile miracle liquid can help stop the burning itch and reduce swelling.
4. Ear drops. Do you suspect your baby has an ear infection? Start nursing, wait for your milk to let-down, and take aim. So what if you piss off your hungry infant and soak the entire side of their head? Ear pain is a serious problem; your boob juice is the solution.
5. Eye drops. Pink eye is one of the most common childhood ailments. It runs rampant through daycare facilities across the US and is responsible for single-handedly taking down whole classrooms full of elementary school kids. If your child contracts this highly contagious infection, follow the steps listed in point #4 above. Feeling generous? Consider sending a Doc McStuffins thermos full of breast milk to school with your kid as an optional eye treatment for their entire second grade class.
6. Sore throat cure. Strep throat? Skip the chloroseptic and pain relievers. Instead, simply gargle with two ounces of breast milk five times daily. Concerned about your supply? It’s time to step things up with a six-hour power pump sesh. Throw a Barney marathon on the TV for the kids and get to it. Or better yet, just buy a hands-free pumping bra and spend the day bonding over Pinterest crafts. This is serious. Your family’s health may be at stake.
7. Cooking ingredient. Baking a cake for your five-year-old’s birthday but realized you forgot to stop at the store for milk? Just break out your old friend Medela and pump out half a cup. Don’t forget to tell your entire extended family that you’ve baked the cake with mother’s love! Why not make some ice cream while you’re at it? Everyone will thank you for bestowing the life-giving gift of miraculous, disease-fighting antibodies upon them.
8. Contact lens solution. Did your nearby 24-hour CVS close unexpectedly? Are your contacts feeling like sandpaper in your tired eyes? You have two choices if you’re nursing: a. contort your body into a pretzel twist and squirt milk into your eyeball; or b. borrow some from that bottle you pumped for your baby earlier today. Breast milk has disinfecting properties, just like saline solution. Over supply? Ditch the saline altogether. So what if your breast milk leaves a thin white film on your contact lenses that makes it nearly impossible to see?
9. Eye makeup remover. Have you recently visited the makeup counter at Macy’s and determined that your old stand-by Clinique eye makeup remover is simply too expensive now that you have kids? Dr. G claims that breast milk will take last night’s waterproof mascara right off. To apply, follow the steps listed under point #8 above. Consider replacing your moisturizer and toner with milk as well in order to reduce costs.
There you have it. Breast milk isn’t just for feeding your infant anymore. This nectar of life can be used as to treat every possible ailment. Its disinfecting, healing properties are unrivaled by any chemically-produced, heavily tested, and strictly regulated modern medical drugs. If you believe in Dr. Google, the only reasonable course of action is to continue pumping until your kids are through college, or old enough to purchase their own health insurance. Your family’s health depends on it.
Related post: 10 (Mildly Shallow) Reasons To Breastfeed