Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Amy Vansant is a writer and shameless labradoodle mommy. You can read her published works and humor blogs at Kid Free Living- a site which serves as an escape valve for the child-free, empty-nesters and those just pretending there isn’t any one covered in Popsicle juice tugging on their pant leg. Mmmm? What’s that? Blond critter with wild eyes and a purple mouth? I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.
A friend posted an interesting article from CBS news called “Why my Child will be Your Child’s Boss.” In short, the author, Suzanne Lucas, talked about how in Switzerland, teachers regularly give 3-year old boys and girls SAWS and send them into the woods to play with wolverines and cook hot dogs over open flames. They actually have a “forest teacher,” like a gym teacher only with deadly objects instead of rubber balls (pretty sure that’s the plot of My Bloody Valentine 16 if not, it should be. Call me.)
Here’s a quote from the piece:
“If this trend in the U.S. continues, American children will become more crippled in their ability to make their own decisions (mom is always around), manage risk (at what age do you become magically able to use a saw?) or overcome a setback (you learn nothing when mom and dad sue the school district to get your grade changed).”
I don’t have kids, but I’m totally on her side, which I can say without hesitation — except for ONE SECOND while I carry the dog down the stairs so Mr. Clumsy doesn’t trip again! There you go Stumble McTripperson! You want to go back up now? Oh. Well, all right, baby, here we go! Wheeee!
OK, sorry about that. What was I saying? Oh right, American kids are bratty little wimps who think the world should be handed to them on a plate, and why not? It ALWAYS HAS BEEN. Tell a kid to clean his room nowadays and he’ll text a grievance to Amnesty International. And furthermore—
Excuse me, just a sec… The dog is making this adorable little huffing noise he does when he’s trying to get my attention. What’s that StinkyButt? Does baby want a treat? Just a second… there you go… belly rubs all around! Yea!
Alrighty, where was I? Oh, right, little momma’s boy-crybaby-BRATS.
I have an example. My one niece is tough as nails because she was the first and Daddy was around to scare the beejeezus out of her with a look. Her younger sister grew up while Daddy was on the road and Mommy DOTES on her. If she can’t have candy-coated chicken nuggets for every meal she starts screwing up that little cherub face and the waterworks start, because that ploy always works on Mommy.
But when Aunt Amy is there, it’s a different story.
“Not me, Chica,” I tell her, doing my best scared-straight ‘you’re on MY cell block now’ face.™ “Aunt Amy doesn’t play that. If you think I’m going to carry you home when I WARNED you this walk would be too long for you, you and your impractical toddler shoes have another thing coming. Now, it looks like your puppy has something in his paw. He limped once just a second ago, but you probably missed it, what with all your “but I’m only three! My tongue is swelling from thirst! blah blah blah” whining. So I’m going to quickly jog him home. Does little gimpy want a treat to make that paw feel all better? Yes? Yes, he does? Ok, kid, I’m taking the dog. I’ll see you back at the house. Why don’t you quit your crying and drop and give me 20 before I go?”
And you can believe that walk made my niece a tougher person. Later, she thanked me for teaching her a life lesson. “Aunt Amy,” she said, “Thanks SOOOOOooo much for punishing my lazy feet. Although I may never again be able to walk without this little hitch in my giddy up, I will figuratively walk tall for the rest of my life. Bless you for your tough love.”
Or something like that. I wasn’t totally listening because the dog had gotten a bit of his bone caught up in his cheek. It’s SO cute when that happens! He chews and chews and finally he walks over and puts his face in my lap so I can push it out of his cheek and into his mouth. Just adorable.
And you don’t see HIM crying about it.
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Hilarious. “Belly rubs all around!” LOL
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..This Looks Nothing Like The Mall
*snort* “My cell block” – I’ve gotta try that line some day!
Alison recently posted..Physicalness
Bwhahah and the scary part is I don’t think the woman is far off. I am not sure they need to be in the woods at 3 with a saw but still, the basis is still not far from truth. It is scary to me, very scary.
Angel recently posted..When Bully Free Zone doesn’t apply to even the teacher…
Agreed! These kids need to toughen up a bit. Saws for everyone!
Michelle recently posted..Room For Creativity
Ahhh thank you for making me feel better about all of those years my kids suffered through my active addiction and had to figure a lot of things out on their own. Sad, but they did learn some great lessons on how to figure stuff out without me. Two years into recovery from drugs and alcohol and I try not to overcompensate to make up for it. They sure are happy now. I’m pretty lucky.
Mom Off Meth recently posted..What makes the downs go up.
This made me laugh!
I’m gonna have to add ‘not on my cell block’ when talking to my kids. Especially this is the first day of school and we have already had one melt down.
Regina recently posted..XBOX Giveaway
Actually this is all part of our secret European plan to recolonize America. We make you soft and mushy and raise our kids to become big hulky figures of authority. Then we send them over to oh say Harvard for “education” and allow them to infiltrate. Next : the grab for power and before you know it you will all be playing soccer instead of “football” and calculating in cm instead of inches. Mwahahahahahaha.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Memories of Normandy
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Now that we are aware of your plans to take over America by making us soft and lazy, we are mobilizing to thwart… well.. we’re looking for someone to mobilize FOR us… well.. ahhh, never mind.
Amy recently posted..Show the Nice Lady the Chiggers Hiding in Your Butt
Just to make sure: ok if we make Harry king? And Pippa queen?
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes recently posted..Memories of Normandy
Ah sure. Doesn’t seem we can every agree on a leader here anyway. :)
Amy @kidfreeliving recently posted..40 Year-Old Me Meets 20 Year-Old Me
That drives me nuts! The only time my kids are waited on is when they are sick, and I mean really sick.
Heather recently posted..Random Thoughts That Popped in My Head This Week
I’m all for saws and hotdogs. As long as they have a medical professional on site. For each child. Or maybe we should teach them combat field first aid first? Or maybe I should just watch over (in the distance, hiding behind one of those big-ass trees) just in case. Oh, never-mind.
But I am making my kid play “football” aka soccer. That will make him more accepted when the Europeans take over, right?
Cheers.
Kerry Ann @Vinobaby’s Voice recently posted..The Meryl Streep Movie Club: A SheReads Review
I like to play tough but I’d be as much a wuss with a child as I am with my dog. Hiding behind trees to watch them, like you said…
Amy @kidfreeliving recently posted..Amy and Kara Play with Meat
I should learn not to read Scary Mommy while drinking liquid of any sort…you’re on MY cell block now BWAHAHAHA! (And I’ve USED that look on my nephews!)
Kimberly recently posted..Modern art
Ha ha ha ha …. I needed this, thank you, first day of school craziness…lol
Love your posts..
Classic. We use not on my cell block but because my husband is a Correctional Officer!
HAHAHAHA!! Love this!
imperfectmomma recently posted..This is what recovery looks like
Great po9st! Thank you and i couldn’t agree with you more. Kids are whims these days. Give them anything they want just so they will shut up.
Go after the teacher because they didn’t get the grade they wanted. My heart goes out to teachers these days.
As for the mother look, every mother should have ‘the LOOK’. I did and they knew when I meant business.
When my kids where 4 and 6 they had a habit of hitting each other all the time. Finally one day I had had enough. Got me a pair of handcuffs and and handcuffed them together. Sat them in the middle of the floor and told them to knock the crap out of each other, because I didn’t really care anymore.
Cured that problem real quick. Thanks for the great post and many of American children don’t even know how to climb a tree anymore.
debbie
Is it me, or does that sound like we’re en route to developing our own Lord of the Flies mashed up Hunger Games for our children?
Let’s stick all our children in the woods sans the forest teacher until they’re 18. Whomever survives can then go into a global woods with the rest of the world’s children for another year and then if they make it out, they can come home.
No doughy, puppy eyed, whiners then. Bonus, I can enjoy my wine in peace and quiet again!
Just Becki recently posted..Gutzy Gear Party!
Bahaha! “Aunt Amy doesn’t play that.” Damned sissy kids!
Stephanie recently posted..Need a Night Out? Win with Laughs and Luxury!
I have a child and I couldn’t agree more. But I will say that I am a mean mom and I perfected that look that makes her jump a long, long time ago! We lovingly call it “the Death Look”. I also stuck her in Junior Roller Derby so no whimpy children for me. She is perfectly capable of body checking and pushing whimpy children to the floor and glouting as she skates past. That’s my girl!
redhotwritinghood recently posted..Roles of Friendships
My mom sent me to ballet. I would have MUCH preferred Roller Derby! But she got more of a laugh out of me trying to be graceful I’m sure…
Amy @kidfreeliving recently posted..Why You Shouldn’t Mix Manhattans with Wine
My kids do things for themselves. And they are allowed to lose sometimes, because it builds character. Why would i hand them everything on a platter when thats just going tos et them up for failure as an adult. isn’t the goal to get them to MOVE OUT when they grow up? I think YES.
I love this. And I love the way that you sneaked in some empathy for mom’s by taking care of your furry child. This was hilarious, but it’s actually something that keeps me up at night. Am I making my child a total wimp by being a nervous mom? God, I hope not.
Guerrilla Mom recently posted..Ricki Lake Ruined My Birth
I have a TON of empathy for Moms! — The blog is just called “Kid-Free Living” because all the free time is what mostly gets my husband and in trouble (and makes for funny blogs :) )
Amy recently posted..Target Turned Me Into a Redneck
This is why I have a cat, as any attempt at coddling is met with disapproving glares and hairball surprises on the rug. Lesson learned.
Abby recently posted..Control Is (just a) Key
Funny! This reminds me of the last time I was at the food court with my husband and we watched a little boy running around and “running his mother” for entertainment. It was fun watching her chase him. This boy needs Aunt Amy!
Lu recently posted..Why Are We Afraid To Show People Who We Really Are?
Hilarious!!!American kids are wimps…what about our dogs?;)
MangoChutney recently posted..Those Day Are Over!!!!
Children come across situations every day that are new to them, but they are their own individual and want to be independent. So, when mom says, “the walk is too long for you,” they say, “I think I can handle it.” When their feet hurt and you empathize with them (not baby them) as well as use it as an opportunity to teach them, they learn something new without damaging the bond with you.
When my toddler fell off the chair and hit his head on the tile after not listening to me when I said to sit on his ASS (<—- that's totally the word I used), I ran over, scooped him up, and comforted him. When he wasn't upset anymore, we had a "talk." We talked about how it hurt when he fell and that's why I ask him to sit on his butt instead of stand on the chair. Not only does he know that I'll be there for him if he is actually hurt regardless of his attitude towards me, which is unconditional love and all kids need it, but he now sits on his ass in the damn chair – win win.
I choose this different approach because my parents tough loved me, and I'm still in therapy……… maybe I should make them pay me back for all of the sessions. Hell, in this entitled generation, I could probably sue for the money and win!
Kelly recently posted..Reader Submitted Shit my Kid Said Story – Very Verbal Toddler
This had me rolling! And I SO needed a laugh.
My kids say I have a “dagger stare” so maybe I’m doing something right…or would that be wrong?
So far the “dagger stare” is not working on the puppy. I need to switch to plan B…belly rubs all around! ;-)
Pamel recently posted..Kommit – July 1, 2002 – September 1, 2012
You do realize it’s not just the parents who coddle… it’s the grandparents too. They seem to have forgotten what it was like when they raised their kids. The other day my MIL said I will have to talk to my son’s kindergarten teacher and make sure she’s aware of what he shouldn’t climb up on (he climbs everything) and I said I have no control over that. “yes dear, I know but you should inform the teacher”. OMG like he’s any different from any other 5 year old boy.
My oldest bumped her head on a beam under the deck stairs, MIL had FIL put up a wire fence so she couldn’t go under there anymore. UMMMM she bumps her head, she learns to duck. Duh.
zeemaid recently posted..Do You Do this?
This article was sooo stupid. Made no sense at all. Ya she talked crap to a little kid to make herself feel better about herself, but she was mostly distracted by her dog. What ever makes people feel superior …
You sort of missed the whole point. She pretending to be complaining about how people spoil their kids but really she spoils her dog just as much. That’s why it was so funny!