Being pregnant is a pretty magical time. Did I just say magical? Wow. I’m pretty sure the me of five years ago just punched myself in the face. What I meant to say is that being pregnant is a life-changing, vomit-inducing, hemorrhoid-producing, value-contemplating, giant-boob-creating, stretch-mark-watching time. It’s a whole lot of other things as well.
Here are a few things that may annoy the crap out of you during the end stages of this “magical” time:
1. Someone Complimenting Your Body
I’m all about the compliments, but in the late stages of pregnancy, it’s just not you anymore. It’s an alien life form protruding from your body that may frighten small children. The compliments usually come from a place of shock and awe and the need to say something, anything, positive about the obviously uncomfortable state that your body is in. “Wow! You look just…wow…glowing. You are glowing for sure.” That’s not glow—that’s sweat from walking up those three steps back there.
2. People Asking You Questions
People are curious about pregnant people. I’m curious about pregnant people. But it’s always the same damn questions, and I will admit I’m guilty of asking these myself:
When are you due?
Do you know what you’re having?
Do you have a name picked out?
When someone makes eye contact with you during the late stages of pregnancy, you know that these three questions are coming. After about the thirtieth time of answering them in a day, I remember wanting to say, “What? I’m not pregnant. I guess I’ve been eating too many cheeseburgers,” just to mix it up a little.
Hugging is kind of impossible at some point because it’s like all of a sudden you have T. Rex arms and the biggest boobs ever seen to man. And people just love hugging pregnant women. I suggest getting a side-arm protocol if this is going to annoy you.
4. Other Pregnant People
Especially those who are pulling it off much better than you. I had the wonderful privilege of being in a wedding when I was nine-months pregnant with my friend who was also nine-months pregnant. In the pictures, she looked fabulous—glowing, confident, and wearing freaking high heels. I looked troll-like and swollen, and possibly like I had eaten the entire buffet by myself. I may never forgive her.
5. The Smell of…Anything
One of the crappiest parts of being pregnant is having a hypersensitive nose just when you don’t want a hypersensitive nose. I loathed onions and garlic and meat when I was pregnant, and I could smell any of these items being cooked within about a 5-mile radius.
6. Your Feet
Your feet will have pretty much left the party by now. You can’t really see them, and you for sure can’t reach them, so it’s like they are just these frustrating swollen appendages that apparently don’t fit in your shoes anymore.
7. The Weather
You know what most pregnant people don’t buy? Coats big enough to cover our elephant asses. Rain coats, snow coats, lightweight fall jackets—my big ol’ belly just kinda hung out for a couple of months and got wet and cold.
Men are never more annoying than when you figure out that they will never be as uncomfortable as how you feel at nine-months pregnant. They pretty much can’t do anything right at this point except maybe massage those Fred Flintstone feet of ours and say how pretty we look weighing 50 extra pounds.
9. Getting Up From a Soft Couch
Try it. Seems simple enough, right? Now strap 30 pounds and a crushing fatigue to your body, and I’m pretty sure you’ll find that it’s easier to just sink into the couch and live there forever.
10. Getting Advice
The list of dos and don’ts for pregnant women is mind-boggling. And we are so bombarded with everyone’s opinions on everything, it’s just too much to hear advice from random people or your mother. We know all about the delimeatssoftcheesewinehottubs
We know, OK. Thanks. Now be a dear and help me get out of this couch.