If you’ve had a baby, chances are you know what it means to be tired. While those feelings of, “I’m just so happy to be a mother *bats eyelashes*, I don’t mind being up all night,” are positive and peppy at first, but soon even the most positive and grateful of new mothers will become exhausted. Here are eight definitive signs you’re an exhausted new mom:
1. While having a discussion about eye color with your three-year-old, she says something like this: “Daddy has green eyes, I have brown eyes, the baby has blue eyes. You have red eyes.”
2. You break down in tears when you discover there may be a link between your breastfed baby’s wakefulness and that 2PM cup of coffee that you need to get you through the day.
3. When your childless girlfriend explains to you that she is so exhausted because she had a few late nights and she absolutely needs eight hours to function, you do the meanest thing you can think of and secretly wish that her first born has colic.
4. You bump into another mom at the grocery store with a baby about the same age as your little insomniac. She looks fresh and well put together. You’re wearing your standard uniform: yoga pants and ratty t-shirt you sniff tested for puke before saying, “Well, it’s not that noticeable.” You can’t recall whether or not you brushed your teeth before leaving the house. Your baby has been wearing the same set of sleeper pajamas for the past 2 days- you’re just waiting for the next time he shits up his back to change him. She tells you that things are going great and her baby is even sleeping through the night! You smile, nod and silently rattle off all the versions of “eff you” that you know in your head, while resisting the urge to shove her backwards into the cream cheese.
5. It’s first thing in the morning and you overhear your husband on the phone inviting company to come for brunch. He’s saying, “Oh no, our night wasn’t that bad.” You wonder if he slept on a different planet as you look in the mirror and for the life of you your left eye will not open. Nope, it’s not moving.
6. The time you spend with your partner between the sheets has morphed from passion to a nightly game of chicken. Every time the baby cries you start a new round. These are the rules of the game: Upon hearing the baby cry, pretend you’re sound asleep until your partner caves and goes to deal with the crying baby. If you are able to fake sleep and outlast the lump lying next to you, you just might score a few extra hours. If you lose, you curse, dramatically throw off the covers and shoot his fake sleeping face a dirty look. You’ll remember this the next time he wants to play a different game between the sheets (See next point).
7. You have one of those babies who cries every time you try to lay him down, thus you have him as your sidekick all the time. When you finally get him to sleep in his crib, all you can think about is a bubble bath and 15 minutes with a good book. Just then your husband gives you the look. You pretend you didn’t see it; after all you only have the one good eye.
8. You’re having one of those nights when you just can’t figure out why your newborn won’t stop crying. You’ve fed, bounced, rocked, changed, cuddled and still he won’t sleep. After hour upon hour of middle of the night screaming your husband says, “Just put him on your boob!” You start to cry at the thought of a unnecessary feeding with your sore, cracked nipples and you shoot back, “You put him on yourboob!” and for a moment you can tell he’s considering it.
Related post: 50 Reasons Your Toddler Might Be Awake Right Now