1. Toddler’s socks feel weird.
2. Toddler is ready to eat that dinner now. The one he tearfully rejected because it was too exotic and spicy (plain pasta with butter).
3. Toddler would like to change pajamas for religious reasons. Her religion is called Being A Pain In The Ass and she is but a humble disciple.
4. The seams on toddler’s socks are facing down. This is an emergency. How could you let this happen on your watch? Toddler needs assistance and someone to talk it out with.
5. Toddler needs a cup of water. Spread over 25 individual sips. In a red cup from downstairs. The dirty one in the dishwasher. No, not that one, the other one. Oh, it’s actually at Target in the cup aisle.
6. Pillow feels too hot.
7. Pillow feels oddly cold. Eerily cold. Toddler would like you to tell them everything you know about the causes of below room temperature pillows. Go.
8. Toddler is scared.
9. Toddler would like to brush his teeth again just to be thorough. Not with his toothbrush, with his finger and some frosting in lieu of toothpaste.
10. Toddler has a question about God.
11. Toddler needs to know which hole babies come out of again.
12. Toddler can’t stop laughing because that’s weird.
13. Toddler would like you to sleep in his matchbox-sized toddler bed with him. Stop fidgeting. You’re disturbing the toddler.
14. Toddler would like another story. Make one and be sure to incorporate a dog, a pony, a cherry tree, an apple pie, a rainforest, 14 marbles, chicken wings and success as major themes. Go. Oh yeah, make sure it’s set in the future.
15. Toddler would like one more kiss.
16. Toddler would like one more hug.
17. Toddler would like you to stand alert in the doorway, unmoving, like one of those Royal Guards who aren’t allowed to scratch.
18. Toddler would like to observe her reflection in the mirror to see if anything has changed in the last five minutes.
19. Toddler would like to call grandma immediately. The subject matter is none of your business. They have their own relationship.
20. Toddler would like a Cobb Salad. Hold the lettuce, chicken, blue cheese, tomatoes, eggs, ranch dressing, onion and avocado. Toddler would like a plate of bacon.
21. Toddler’s nose feels strange on the inside. High up inside. Get a flashlight to investigate but don’t touch it because it hurts.
22. Toddler needs a Band-Aid for a boo boo from six months ago. Yeah, it’s healed on the outside but there are internal injuries that can only be treated with adhesives.
23. Your toddler’s legs are dry. Rub in some lotion, please. Warm lotion in the microwave first – what are we, animals?
24. Toddler’s back needs rubbing. Not for long. 45 minutes-5 hours should do it. Stop when the sun comes up and birds begin singing. You are then free to prepare breakfast.
25. Toddler would like to discuss the theme for their next birthday party.
26. Toddler’s ear is missing. Oh wait, there it is.
27. Toddler’s blanket is all wrong. Yes, it’s the same one she uses every night but tonight it just feels wrong and different. Shop for new blankets online together. In the meantime, be your toddler’s blanket by draping your body over them to shield her from the elements.
28. Toddler would like to watch TV.
29. Toddler would like to tell you why they now hate their best friend. Agree with everything toddler says or you too can be hated.
30. Toddler would like you to get Santa on the line.
31. Toddler would like to know how old you are. Present two forms of ID as proof.
32. Toddler would like to sleep in your bed.
33. Toddler needs four good reasons why she can’t sleep in your bed.
34. Toddler needs you to watch her cry for a few minutes.
35. Toddler needs to blow her nose.
36. Toddler just remembered that he never had dessert.
37. Toddler wants to know why you’re a liar and withhold desserts.
38. Toddler needs to thrash around in bed and wake up any other children in the home.
39. Toddler needs you to remake the bed. It’s messed up and toddler doesn’t know why.
40. Toddler needs a fresh Pull-Up in order to burn through your jumbo box of ridiculously expensive diapers as quickly as possible.
41. Pull-Up has the wrong design. Toddler is devastated and afraid. Toddler needs reassurance that the unfamiliar design will not come alive and physically harm them in the night.
42. Toddler needs to change pajamas to go with the threatening Pull-Up design. A too-small Halloween costume, perhaps?
43. Toddler just remembered that her stuffed animal that she can’t be without is in the car wedged under her seat covered in Cheerio crumbs, damp with apple juice, and rich with the aroma of stale McNuggets.
44. Toddler needs to be tucked in again.
45. Toddler heard a sound.
46. Toddler needs you to secure the perimeter.
47. Toddler needs another kiss and hug because the other 800 have since worn off and are invalid.
48. Toddler would like a small snack. Fondue? Skirt steak? A fish taco? Nothing too complicated.
49. Toddler would like to know if Subway is open.
50. Toddler has to poop.
Excerpt from Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s Not Your Fault, run with permission.